Cast Me Gently Into Morning
by Portrait of a Scribe

Chapter 22: Doghouse.

"C'est la vie."
-French adage

There are three things that a guy can't ever forget, upon pain of… well, pain. One: His wife's birthday. Two: Their anniversary. And three: To give her a gift on all the important holidays, such as Christmas, Easter, and Valentine's Day.

It would seem that I've forgotten to do at least one of those things… at least, seeing as how Tifa's had me sleeping on the couch for the past three days.

Shit.

Of course, Zack finds this whole thing to be utterly hilarious. He keeps snickering at me at odd hours of the night (or day, if he feels like it) and singing the most inane things… Things such as "Who's in the dog-house? Who, who, who who who WHO?" Or another favorite of his, "He's BAD COMPANY! And she can't deny…"

Currently, he's singing, 'Keeeeeep RUN-NING ooonnn… 'cause you know she'll castrate you, she'll castrate you. Just STAAAY strong… 'cause you know she's after you, she's after you. There's nothing you can SAY! Nothing you can DO! There's no other way when your lover's spurned you, so keeeeep RUN-NING ooonnnn, 'cause you know she'll bury you, she'll bury youuuu…'

Two words, Zack: Fuck. You.

'Aww, you know you love me.'

Lucky for you that I can't throttle you at the moment, you mean.

'Aww, whassa matter, mister grumpy-gills?'

Blink. Blink. Blink.

What. The. Fuck?

He's silent for a second. 'You know you love me. Admit it.'

If he thinks I'm going to respond to that, he's got another think coming.

…

Aww, shit.

'You're starting to sound like Barret.'

It's all your fault.

'It's not my fault you've got your panties in a perpetual knot.'

It's all your fault.

'Hey, now,' he protests. 'It wasn't me who decided that getting up before Tifa on her birthday and then trying to burn down the house cooking her breakfast would be a good idea.'

But that's not even what she's mad about! Argh!

'Oh?' He sounds intrigued.

Yeah. She thought it was sweet that I even tried. She wasn't even that exasperated after I got the smoke stains off the ceiling and replaced the pan I melted.

'Then this mishap must've been sometime while I was out of your head,' he surmises. There's a long pause. 'Care to share, Cloudy-kins?'

Not if you call me that again. Then all you'll be hearing from me is the laughter that I emit as I use your hide to sharpen First Tsurugi with.

'Ouch, that's cold.'

Life's a bitch.

'So're you.'

Thank yo- HEY!

He's laughing at me again, but I just sigh and sink a bit further into the cushions of the couch. Seph is curled up against my right side, and Denzel's got his head in my lap where he's lying on my left side. Zackary is sprawled across Denzel's side with his knees hanging over the back of the couch and his left hand stuck in my armpit. He's snoring like a sleeping behemoth- it's a wonder that Rinoa, who's curled up on my chest, hasn't gotten woken up yet.

All right, I guess I'll tell you. Maybe you can help me figure out what went wrong.

'That's what I'm here for.'

Really? I kinda thought you were just here to annoy the crap out of me.

'I aim to please. Now, please continue.'

…

It all started Wednesday morning. Or night, if you'd like to call it that. Anyway, Rinoa started fussing, so I, being half-asleep, didn't really register what I was hearing. So, next thing I know, I'm lying on the floor, wondering how I got there and why on Gaia my butt was hurting so bad.

'…You do realize how wrong that sounds, right?'

…Shut up. That just came out wrong, that's all.

'Right-o, Cloud, whatever you say.'

Sigh.

Continuing on… I get up and look over to the bed to see that Tifa's blinking up at me. Then she smiles and thanks me for getting up to see to Rinoa and goes back to sleep, and I'm standing there like an idiot wondering when she trained me.

'…Whipped!' His stage-whisper is loud enough that he's easily audible.

Like you're one to talk. Aerith still has you wrapped around her little finger, you jackass.

'Coughwhippedcoughcough! Ugh, sorry, I think I'm coming down with something.'

You're a Summon, Zack, and you aren't technically even alive. You can't get sick.

'…Servant boy.'

Cradle-robber.

'Ouch, that's a really low blow, Cloudy-kins. Besides, if I were you, I'd be a bit more worried about Sephiroth if you're gonna get all über-protective of Aerith.' He sniffs disdainfully. 'I don't age, anyway. When she turns eighteen, I'll still be as hot, charming, and good-looking as ever.'

…You do realize how redundant that statement is, don't you?

'…Shut up and stop being such a buzz-kill, servant boy.'

I'm not a servant boy. Besides, I don't think Seph is really interested in relationships of that nature at this point in time. He's only four, Zack.

'You can never start too early…' He's sing-songing this.

Fuck you and your lame-ass predictions. Now, do you want me to finish my story or not?

'Sigh. Sure, sure, tell away.'

Eye-roll out the wazoo.

Anyway, so I go take care of Rinoa, who starts crying as soon as I pick her up, and I suddenly can't get her to calm down and I don't know what to do. So I turn to Tifa for advice, right?

'Right.'

And she gives me this look.

'Ooh, you mean the one that's like, "why can't you take care of this by yourself?"'

Exactly. So I tell her, "She's your daughter, too, so would you mind giving a man some advice?" And the next thing I know, Tifa's glaring at me and taking Rinoa from me and I'm being pushed out of the room with Aerith in my arms so that Rinoa's fussing doesn't wake her up.

…

'…'

…

'…Is that it?'

Sigh. Yeah.

'…Is it just me, or is Tifa being temperamental?'

I frown.

Yeah, I guess she is, but still… I can't see where I went wrong. I just asked her for some advice!

He's quiet for a long moment, presumably thinking.

'Do you think she might be pregnant again?'

My eyes grow wide. Really wide. I know that if I didn't have three kids pinning me down, I'd be bolting up the stairs to ask Tifa about it. Don't get me wrong- I love being a dad- but if we had another kid, that would make seven, and we're already all cramped as it is.

As soon as I think this, I hear the door to the upstairs bathroom close and Tifa comes downstairs, looking positively green. I gulp, watching her apprehensively.

"…Teef?" I venture after a moment as she sits down in the rocking chair. She looks over at me, and I realize that she looks totally exhausted.

"You okay?" I ask warily. Maybe if I really, really watch what I'm saying, she won't bite my head off or castrate me or anything…

Tifa nods. "I'm sure I'll be fine. But I think I might've gotten food poisoning from that Wutai One we ordered the other day."

I wince in sympathy. I've had food poisoning before. Not pleasant at all.

"If there's anything I can do…" I leave the offer open-ended, allowing her to interpret it how she will. She smiles gratefully at me.

"Thanks, Cloud," she says, leaning her head back against the back of the rocking chair. "You're such a sweetheart."

I can feel my cheeks heat. Tifa's probably the only one I'll actually let call me that without fear of retribution.

"By the way…"

I freeze in the midst of relaxing, and look over at Tifa again, cocking my head in a way that lets her know I'm listening.

"I know we can't choose, but which would you rather have?"

I frown, wondering what she's talking about. Her next words make the blood drain from my face even as nervous joy fills my chest.

"A boy or a girl?"

Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy VII or any related characters. I only own Rinoa and Zackary Hewley. Nyaah!

This came to me randomly today and I decided I had to write it. It's posted on here for your convenience as well as my own- too much effort to create a new story and then have people asking about the "Cast Me Gently" continuity I've got going. So here it is, the unofficial Chapter 22.

Poor Cloud. What a bombshell for Tifa to drop on him. By the way, the songs Zack was singing were parodies of "Who Let the Dogs Out," by the Baha Men, "Bad Company," by Bad Company, and "Keep Holding On," by Avril Lavigne, respectively. I had a lot of fun with them, if you couldn't tell. :)

I LOVE ZACK. XD

Ah, hell. It's like I said about last chapter: "As soon as I post this, I'll get another bout of inspiration and write another chapter..."

Thanks to everyone who reviewed the last "Official" Cast Me Gently Into Morning chapter: Ayame Harushino, CleverPhoenix, and Steph! You guys are wonderful, and I hope that this short one lives up to your expectations. :)

-Portrait of a Scribe