Insanity

This takes place after the end of 'My Heart', just so you know.^_^ I do not own any D. Gray-Man characters, nor claim to own any of them.

He stared blankly at the picture of his silent love. The one that he would have sacrificed anything for. The one that...gave him a family that he actually loved and cared about.

Gone. All gone. Stolen, broken, lost in the darkness of the war.

Faint music plays somewhere outside his mind, but does not register. Both of them were gone. Allen....and his beautiful daughter. Taken in less than the span of a few months.

Not long after his love had given birth to their first and only child, Allen had lost her mind and "died". She had given up. Unable to bare the loss of her child and the loss of her husband. Of course, Kanda had still been there...He had still frequented the Order in between missions, but he couldn't bare to see Allen and think....Wonder and question: Had they done the right thing?

Allen had given up their child and had given up to the Noah in her mind. The person that had taken over was no human. Was definitely NOT Allen. Not his love.

The looks that the imposter had been giving Kanda were tearing him apart. Whereas a year previous, Kanda relentlessly teased and harrassed Allen Walker because he "hated" her, now he could not even bare to look at the mockery that called himself "Allen".

There was never any word of Cross. Nothing. The bastard didn't even come to the Order. Didn't let Kanda know that his daughter was okay. If Kanda had been accused of being heartless before....Heart wasn't even in his vocabulary now.

He didn't even know what the damned word meant any more. Allen's "heart" hadn't saved their daughter nor herself. Kanda's "heart" couldn't do anything.

Kanda figured that his "heart" and Allen's "heart" had combined inside Allen's womb and had been stolen away. Lost into the darkness.

Heart....Kirani. Yes, she was his heart. Allen had been his heart. And both had been taken from him. A "heart" was no longer necessary for Kanda Yuu.

But something in his chest hurt. Ached like a mortal wound. Tore at him night and day, burning, scratching, cutting, slicing.... A fatal wound that would never kill. Was that what a heart was? Pain and sorrow? Regret? Hatred?

Hatred towards the bastards who chose Allen as their scapegoat. To put all the suffering on her shoulders....The weight of the world on those fragile shoulders. What diety had given them the fucking right?!

"Allen" was not actually gone, Kanda knew, but his Allen, his "heart" had been taken away. The picture, the incense, the candles.....All pointless things. All part of his Japanese culture that demanded as much. Allen was dead. The Fourteenth lived on. Why had it been Allen? Why had the world decided to abandon the fragile girl? Admittedly, the chains that had once bound her to her inevitable fate were severed and she was free from all her pain, but....why?

Why Allen Walker? Why his "heart"?

"Mr. Kanda."

"Mr. Kanda."

That voice!

"What?" Kanda asked. Since when did his voice begin to lack such emotion?

"Mr. Kanda, what are you doing?"

"What the hell do you want, Noah?" Kanda asked, eyes blazing with hate. The only time he actually felt something.

"I was wondering what you are doing with my picture, Mr. Kanda."

"That. Is. Not. Your. Fucking. Picture."

"What are you doing with my host's picture, then, Mr. Kanda?"

"None of your goddamned business."

Yes, host. Host, like the son of a bitch was a leech. Disgusting. Why had she given up? Was there something that he could have done? Should he have stayed with her? But....She had given him something beautiful and precious, only to take it away. Why did she have to sacrifice herself??!

"Very well, Mr. Kanda. Mr. Komui wants you. But, first, Mr. Kanda, I would like to show you something. Come with me, please?" To hear her voice speaking so...To hear his tones speaking through. Allen...Allen, why?!

"Fine, bastard. Lead the way."

"Thank you, Mr. Kanda."

The imposter lead the way to one of the Ark's gates, not saying a word as he strode so confidently in Allen's body. Smiling with her lips. Speaking with her voice.

It had become obvious to Kanda the moment that he had spoke with her voice that Allen was no more. She had left....She had left him!! Did she really think that he was so strong? That he could deal with this on his own??

"Here, Mr. Kanda. Listen to my music."

Kanda felt faint alarm for a while as the imposter seated himself before the piano.

Why hadn't anyone else noticed? Why did everyone seem to think that "Allen" was really Allen? It was so obvious! Grey eyes suddenly golden, white hair suddenly so different....The way he walked, spoke, analyzed the room he stood in. Why were they so blind?? Why were they so unconcerned?!!

The piano began making sounds, alerting Kanda. He could sense something in those notes. Something speaking to him....Telling him...

I knew that it was over. When Kirani left my arms...When Kanda left the room. When I could no longer see the love in his eyes, but just pain and confusion. Did I do the right thing?

Pain...and regret.

But his eyes changed. I could see it. Beyond the pain and regret, the confusion....The facade. He blamed me. He blames ME! I-I gave up everything for him! For our child! He...He blames me.

Amusement. Sickened and amused.

His eyes speak volumes to me. He hates me. He has to. Why -if he doesn't- why does he not look at me?

The Noah inside stirs. He...He senses my weakness. But my heart must stay strong! But...Strong for what?

Fear...Crumbling Determination.

He is gone. I can't see him anymore. Where did he go? Who was....Why has he gone? Who... The hate seems to come from everywhere. Everywhere....He IS everywhere. He IS everything. He is in the walls. The Walls hate me. Blame me.

Terror and confusion.

The walls....I tried to break them today. I clawed at them...And locked the door. I tried to rip their eyes out. They couldn't stop. They wouldn't stop watching me. Hate, hate, hate. Is that all there is? If they can hate..I can hate too. Hate, hate, hate. I will rip my eyes out too. If they cannot see my eyes, they cannot watch me. He stirs again. Is he inside me to? Hating me, blaming me?

Amusement.

My eyes....I can't see him anymore. I cannot see the evil eyes watching me. I scream and they cannot hear me. They scream.....I can hear them. My eyes cannot hear anymore. I still feel him inside, though. He tells me things...Spreading his blackness. This sensation is not good. It feels like how I do when I know he blames me. He hates me!

Finality.

Over. All over. No more hate. He cannot see me if I do not exist. Cannot blame me.

Kanda gasped and fell back onto the couch.

"Who..? What the hell was that, damn you!"

"The host, "Allen's" last memories. They reside inside me, as my memories resided inside him for many years, Mr. Kanda. Did you enjoy that?"

"What the hell do you mean?!" Kanda thundered, towering over the slight figure. So much...instability. So much terror. Utter insanity. Had...Allen really felt that way? What.....What had happened?

"Her last words weren't of you, Mr. Kanda. Her last words-"

"Shut the hell up!!!"

Kanda couldn't remember how the imposter ended up ten feet away, nor how the piano ended up broken into pieces. He didn't remember ever drawing his sword. The imposter just smiled at him. Those eyes. That smile. Allen -his "heart"- was truly gone.

Maze Puppet says: Though I said that I wouldn't be able to write any more on this particular story, I just got the idea for this a few months ago and played around with it. It's become too important, though, to just leave out, so....Here you go. This is takes place several months after the end of My Heart, following Kanda's perspective. This is only a one-shot. Nothing, and I mean nothing, else will be written about this particular storyline. Thank you for reading! Don't forget to review!!