I HATE THE KITCHEN
By Lois Lane

If I wrote all the reasons and ways and methods that have catapulted me into the long foregone conclusion of why I hate the kitchen, I could indeed provide the world with an encyclopedia on it, and not one of those buy one get one free encyclopedias…but the Britannica…you know, the one with 44 volumes?

But it doesn't matter, because I really,really started hating the kitchen at the Kent's. Yes the Kent's…the one that only saw culinary disasters when I happened to participate. And just to give you an idea…Martha Stewart has no leg to stand on when compared to Martha Kent. No kidding, I've never seen someone do so much and make it look so easy. But try as she might…there was no helping the intrepid Lois Lane. As patient as she was….it just never failed….I always became distracted.

Now if cooking in the kitchen simply amounted to making coffee…then I would be the cone…conee.."

Spell-check displays two words…Cone sour being one of them…Lois groans and stops typing and looks around the bullpen and sees Clark standing at the file cabinet.

"Hey Smallville…how do you spell connoisseur ?

"Don't tell me your writing about coffee again?"

"Haha funny..."

He looked over at her and gave her a disapproving shake of his head and then said, "C… O…N…N…O…I…S…S…E…U…R….What happened Lois, did you break your spell check?"
Rolling her eyes, she said "No…not yet, but I'm working on it…" Looking back down at her screen, she continued writing.

Now if cooking in the kitchen simply amounted to making coffee…then I would be the Connoisseur of the kitchen…no holds barred! Unfortunately for me, I even managed to ruin that in the Kent kitchen.

It's not that I don't try…it's just all the things that have to happen at once, and the six foot four giant constantly hovering giving very specific and very unwanted advice on not only how but when and even where to perform the most mundane of task. I don't know how many times I told him ..."Relax, I got this…" it has to be a world record…really! But to no avail, tall dark and bumbling kept showing me everything from cutting carrots to importance of washing dishes as you cook.

Being in a kitchen with a guy you like who is off limits in every way possible is a sure way to lose your concentration. For one thing hovering two breaths behind a girl has the annoying effect of having one's brain shutdown and their libido turned up. And hovering constantly, touching arms hands while talking to said girl, has the also annoying effect of turning a girl deaf to whatever is being said.

Ask me if I heard you all you want….I didn't and never will…not when you stand that close to me.

He so doesn't like me like that. All we do is argue, and anytime someone remotely damsel in distressy comes his way...(which actually happens a lot!) ...he's after them faster than the red blue blur is when catching criminals. Anyway…I have this theory about guys, they like to test drive women in the kitchen. They want to see how they interact with them. In a personnel enviro…eniviro…"

Hey Clark….How do you spell environment?"

"First connoisseur and now environment? What are you even writing about? Greenpeace?"

Narrowing her eyes and minimizing her page just in case, she answered quickly with... "Just spell it for me…" He walked over and saw the daily planet website, but not what she was writing.

Curious as to why she was hiding what she was writing, he tried baiting her with..."Maybe I could proof read it for you…"

"You? Please….that would be like a first year English student attempting to proofread something Steinbeck wrote…"

He looked at her with his ever large smile and arm around her chair, she began feeling hot again.

"You know….I bet Steinbeck could spell environment."

Smiling at him sarcastically, she countered with "Funny…chop chop now….I've got work to do…."

Standing back up he straightened his tie, and said "E…N…V…I…R…O…N…M…E…N…T, and Lois, the next spell-check is going to cost you."

"yea yea…"

I have this theory about guys, they like to test drive women in the kitchen. They want to see how they interact with them. In a personnel environment, and believe it or not, the kitchen is one of the more intimen….itnaimen...

Looking up at him sitting at his desk deep in thought over something, she sighed and opened up her word document thesaurus, in hopes the elusive word would pop up there. "How can I manage to finally find intimacy with someone when I can't even spell it?" She mumbled to herself. She quickly started typing when she found it

I have this theory about guys, they like to test drive women in the kitchen. They want to see how they interact with them in a personnel environment. Guys like to see how a girl responds to him when he invades what society usually deems as her space. Believe it or not, the kitchen is one of the more intimate places there is for becoming a couple unfortunately for me I struggle on both fronts with remarkable consistency. I always thought it was a pretty accurate observation. That theory was blown out of the water when he started to hover over me anytime I attempt anything…and I do mean anything, in a kitchen.

I was boiling water once and he told me I was doing it wrong…seriously! How can you tell someone that their boiling water wrong?

So now I have this second, third and forth theories. He does it to annoy me. He can't stand around and not stick the stick in the hornets' nest….he has to push his luck to prove….what I don't know. He does tend to get enjoyment from competing with me and winning….Go figure!

Then there's the possibility that he is under the very misguided opinion that he can actually teach me how to cook. Seriously, if his Mom can't help me, I believe I've pretty much missed the boat on that skill.

And then the last theory is self preservation….he knows how most of my attempts end up, and he assumes he can minimize the damage that I tend to do in a four by six room that houses major appliances. In any case, I have leaned one thing…. the…

"Lois…are you coming?"

Looking up he was putting on his jacket and smiling……"Come on Lois…If we're going to get a jump on helping Mom with the thanksgiving dinner tomorrow, we need to get going…"

"You know, as a Senator, she doesn't have to cook at all she could cater the whole thing…"

"You're just afraid you're going to start another fire like you did last year…"

"That was not a fire! It was just a little smoke…and you know I had a deadline!"

"How many kitchens have you torched Lois? Three? Four?"

"Hahahaha …funny Smallville…Give me a minute will you?"
"Sure thing Lois…"

She shot him a sarcastic half smile and focused back on her work. Smiling, she had her closing sentence

And then the last theory is self preservation….he knows how most of my attempts end up, and he assumes he can minimize the damage that I tend to do in a four by six room that houses major appliances. I tried the "It's not burnt, it's Cajun" a couple of time with him, but that didn't fly with him. Okay, just because he's put out a couple of my disasters…that doesn't mean I'm a fire bug in the kitchen…. In any case, I have leaned one thing…the coffee maker is usually my appliance of choice in a kitchen, only seconded by the microwave. Reason being….I've never started a fire with either one of them.

But seriously, how many kitchens can one girl burn down in lifetime?