Please Who?, a hetalia - axis powers fanfic

Disclaimer: No offense is intended, just for laughs, and no I don't own Hetalia Axis Powers, but you knew that already.

Alfred had been rocked to his very core. He stood in indignation and horror letting his hamburger drop to the floor in dramatic slow motion that made no real sense according to the laws of physics. The object of his outrage was his computer, or, more specifically, a youtube video on his computer.

He slowly sat down trying to calm himself. He replayed the video checking if, perhaps, he had made some mistake.

"We got beavers, caribou and moose
We got buffalos, bears and—"

But there WAS no mistake.

He grabbed his IPhone dialling the phone at breakneck speed (His old west trigger finger had finally found a use in this new technological era).

Ring...

Hullo you've reach—CLICK

"Damn it!"

He quickly redialled.

Ring...

Hullo you've reached—

"DAMN IT!!!"

He dialled a different number this time.

Ring...

Rin—

"Hullo, Buckingham Palace."

"This is the United States of America!" Alfred declared importantly (and rather loudly), "Get me the United Kingdom of Great Britain immediately!"

"... Is this a joke?"

"No!"

"Well... you HAVE managed to get the UK, so whaddaya want? You absolutely cannot speak to the Queen if that is what you are asking..."

"No. I mean the country! I want to speak with the actual country!!!"

"...what?"

"Get me England now!!!"

"Look you blasted Yank, it is three in the morning and I have to walk the corgies at six, so—"

"Wes what are you doing? It's 3 am. Don't you have to walk the dogs in the morning?" A familiar voice suddenly interrupted.

"Ah! Mr. Kirkland sir! Sorry for disturbing you, but there's a crazy American on the phone claiming to be... well... America." This 'Wes' character didn't even try to lower his voice, how rude.

"... America..." there was a distinct deadpan to the newcomers voice.

"Yes! He insists in speaking to the United Kingdom of Great Britain, isn't that absurd? I'm going to hang up right now."

There was nervous laughter in the background, "Don't worry about it Wes, I'll take care of this, hah, hah, you go to bed."

"Erm, if you are sure sir. Good night."

"Good night!"

"Hey? Hello!?" Alfred demanded. It had suddenly gone quiet on the other end of the phone.

"YOU IMBECILE!!!" Arthur's voice suddenly screeched.

"Ow."

"What the hell have I told you about stating you're a country to normal people?"

"Uh..."

"DO NOT, I said DO NOT!!!"

"Oh, yeah, I vaguely remember something along those lines... maybe..." Alfred paused, thinking about this for a moment. No, he really didn't remember, but Arthur didn't have to know that, he'd just get pissy anyway.

"So, anyways, as you know it's my Birthday in three days—"

"Is this about your party!? You called at three in the morning for that!? I am hanging up right now—"

"No! Wait! This isn't about the party (which, by the way, will be kickass!), this is way more serious."

...

Alfred tapped his foot in irritation. What the hell was the Brit thinking about?

"I'm listening, one word about balloons and ice cream hamburger cake and I am hanging up. Understand?"

"Yup, gotcha, now as I was saying, it's my Birthday in three days. I was surfing Youtube seeing if I could find any heartfelt music videos and slide shows made by my true patriots. And, you know, musical renditions of the Star Spangled Banner on Electric Guitar or oboe—"Arthur snorted at this, "—when I came across a strange video. I sent you the link, watch it."

"America I really don't have time for lolcats strike again..." Arthur whined, but Alfred could hear the sounds of clicking.

"...What is this?"

"Watch it."

Alfred strained his ears, but could only pick up the musical beats of the video. At one point he thought he heard the former Empire let out a little "Wha?" but otherwise, nothing. And then.

"I'm coming to see you right away."

"I thought you might say that."

ONE DAY LATER, WASHINGTON DC, 7:42 am (Eastern Standard Time)

Two of the most powerful nations of the world sat in front of Alfred's computer watching the youtube one more time.

"Yeah I know that you wanna be Canadian, Please..."

"Alright, let's go over this one last time," Arthur said haggardly, he had not slept since the importune phone call.

"Okay, okay," Alfred said pulling up a black board, "This 'Canada,'" at the word Canada he made little quotation marks with his fingers, "Has very cold winters apparently."

"Right."

"And, despite this harsh climate, seems to also have a large amount of trees. Perhaps the most trees in the world!"

"According to the video indeed," Arthur nodded.

"And it's boarded by three different seas!"

"Yes, three different oceans," the other country agreed. He pulled out a map from Alfred's desk looking at it for a moment before realizing every country was marked "AMERICA!!!! XD"

He pulled up Google Earth instead.

"Hmm... well, there's you, Pacific, Arctic and Atlantic, but obviously you're not this... Canada guy... herm. Perhaps Australia changed his name without telling me? Does he have a lot of trees?"

"Maybe!" Alfred looked down at the printed out lyrics, "No, wait; they mention the Aussies in this song, can't be them."

"Damn."

"These guys also know a lot about us too," Alfred frowned as the chorus started playing.

Brits have got the monarchy
The US has the money
But I know that you wanna be Canadian...

"Any fool could have figured that information out," Arthur said defensively, although he didn't sound too confident in his words.

"Whatever man. There's also a weird part in code that I can't figure out, this part." Alfred handed Arthur the lyrics which read:

Et si ce n'était pas assez
On a deux langues officielles:
L'anglais et le français
Ooh la la

"Eest seh see nah'etat pass assyz?" Arthur read slowly, "Gibberish... wait... L'anglais... that's what Francis calls me sometimes! Or something similar to that..."

"And doesn't France always go Ooh la la in a mocking tone when he's looking at your butt?"

"Erm... yes."

"Could this mysterious Canada be Francis in disguise?!"

"Doubtful, but perhaps you're on the right track here..." Arthur stroked his chin wishing for his pipe, not for the first time, it always helped him think, damn smoking laws, for the best though... apparently (he mentally sighed at this).

"Perhaps... yes! Perhaps France set up this phony country!" Arthur said excitedly, "That would make perfect sense." Alfred agreed, neither of them wondering for one moment at the fact that the majority of the song was written in English.

"It just so happens, Francis is at his embassy in this very city. We'll head there immediately and set this straight!!" Alfred declared striking a heroic pose.

"You bet we will," Arthur said with a steely determination, "I won't let him do what ever it is he happens to be doing, you can count on it!"

TBC

Announcer: Will America and England find this mysterious Country? Was France the one who set this country up (Strangely enough yes)? Why are America and England so upset? What other countries are surrounded by three seas? All this and more in the next chapter of Please Who?

(Roll credits with an obvious rip off of the doctor who theme music)

Author's Notes:

Watch this catchy video at you, TUBE /watch?v=mWQf13B8epw (you have to unspace it yourself) then you can see what it is that Alfred's watching.

England's pipe smoking: I dunno I can just totally see him smoking a pipe while he's thinking and being put out by all the anti-smoking laws now-a-days (Perhaps I've been watching too much Sherlock Holmes, but Jeremy Brett looks good smoking a pipe and thinking hard, what can I say?)