title: prove it
author: ohwhatsherface
warnings: CRACK so I kindly ask you don't get defensive if your ship is being mocked, because once again, CRACK
note: ah, this is just a random Sasuke-comes-back thing
disclaimer: I do not own Naruto

…

…

Not knowing, Sakura concluded, was the worst feeling in the world.

It was positively infuriating, at that.

Which is why she had to ask.

"Look, you two, please don't take this the wrong way," Sakura began, playing with the hem of her shirt. When she got their attention, Sakura knew she had to continue what she started. "Just, I need to know – are you guys gay?" She swallowed nervously. "Like, together?"

At their completely stupefied expressions, Sakura considered that maybe – just maybe – she should have kept her mouth shut. As Naruto's cheeks grew redder by the passing seconds and Sasuke's eyes narrowed a fraction, Sakura shifted uncomfortably.

"You know what," Sakura said, chuckling, "forget I even asked—"

"SAKURA-CHAN!" Naruto shrieked. He flailed about, looking from her to Sasuke and back. "HOW COULD YOU EVEN ASK THAT?!"

She sighed.

Damn.

"What," Sasuke hissed, gripping his bed sheets so tightly that his fists were even trembling, "what gave you that impression?" His tone was cool and he appeared composed but Sakura could see the fury radiating beneath the utter embarrassment.

Sakura actually thought it over. "Um, er, well… y—you know… I… j—just… well… everything…"

Naruto pulled at his hair. "S—Sakura-chan!" His mortification was only continuing to grow and he brought his hands to his face. "Just… what the hell?!"

"Well you guys always share these looks – these totally hot, intense stares!" she defended, crossing her arms. "And…" Her gaze went from the floor to Naruto. "Well, you're sort of more obsessed with Sasuke-kun than his fangirls – like really, man crush, much? I just think—"

"I'm not gay," Naruto interrupted indignantly. "I like girls! Boobs are what I live for, Sakura-chan, I swear it!"

Slowly, Sasuke nodded. "…yeah."

"If that's true, then what happened with Hinata?" Sakura asked, genuinely confused. "She's sweet and she's beautiful and almost died for you because she loves you so much and… well you were still so set on chasing after Sasuke-kun." Naruto opened his mouth but Sakura continued. "And don't even try to blame that on your Promise of a Lifetime! You are the one who said it wasn't about that!"

With nothing to say, Naruto pursed his lips and frowned.

Sasuke cleared his throat. "Well, this seems more like Naruto likes me, as in it is one-sided – as in I am not gay."

Naruto gaped at him. "OI!"

"Please!" Sakura snorted. "Sasuke-kun, Naruto is like, the only person you talk to and open up to and I mean…" She shrugged awkwardly, "you don't show interest in females at all – even when you were away from Konoha." Crossing her arms, Sakura stuck her nose in the air snootily. "Girls talk, Sasuke – the pretty redhead told me you showed more interest in the weather than women which leads me to my conclusion!" Sakura paused for effect. "You guys are gay…"

There was a short silence.

"…together—"

"I am not gay," Sasuke growled, pointing accusingly at Naruto, "especially with this idiot!"

Naruto glared back at him. "Oi! I'm not an idiot! Go to hell, bastard!"

"Shut up—"

"Oh, and the sexual tension!" Sakura chirped, cutting in with a proud smile for having just remembered another point. "And the pet names—"

"NOT. GAY." Naruto waved his arms wildly. "Straight, Sakura-chan, STRAIGHT—"

"—and The Kiss back in the Academy!" Suddenly, what used to be merely a speculation in her head was All Making Sense. She gasped at her revelation, no longer caring for their confirmation. "You guys are gay!"

"IT'S NOT FUNNY ANYMORE," Naruto shrieked. "IT WASN'T FUNNY EVER, ACTUALLY. SO STOP NOW, SAKURA-CHAN, STOP."

Sakura pouted. "You don't have to get so defensive! I'm not trying to make fun of you guys, I'm just trying to understand—"

"There is nothing to understand," Sasuke stated coldly.

With much vigour, Naruto nodded. "SERIOUSLY."

"Okay, okay!" Sakura giggled and shrugged sheepishly. "I get it, you guys aren't a couple. But really, could you blame me for wondering?" At their dry stares, she supposed they could. Naruto began to stomp away and Sakura looked crestfallen for a moment. "Hey! Where are you going?"

"TO FIND GIRLS," Naruto yelled, ignoring the angry nurses telling him to lower his voice. "BECAUSE I LIKE THEM. GIRLS, SAKURA-CHAN, NOT GUYS, GIRLS."

She rolled her eyes. "Whatever—ow!" Sakura glared at Sasuke who yanked her down to sit on the bed. "What the hell, Sasuke-kun?" When he pulled her a little closer, Sakura stiffened, feeling uncomfortable under his roaming eyes. "Um… what are you doing?"

"Showing you I'm not gay."

Understanding, Sakura smiled widely.

"Oh. Well good luck with that, because seriously, you sort of put my gaydar on the fritz—mmph!"

…

…