Beforehand: This is obviously all speculation. It wasn't meant to be angsty, but towards the end, it happened. There are spoilers in this, so if you haven't read the new chapter, don't even bother finishing this sentence.

Disclaimer: I don't own D. gray-man and never will.

Yuu

The first time he had met the boy, had been a melancholy day. Testing, oh the horrible tests they had done. It was something Kanda dreaded, but had put up with for years. He'd been alone for so long that meeting this boy changed him. In less than one second- as the boy peeked over the tank he was in- h had opened up to him; if only in hopes of not being alone. This place was hell and having one person would make all the difference.

He'd simply introduced himself; a name, a flushed face and a smile, and he was gone. Pulled away by the scientists tat constantly hovered, no doubt. He'd sat there for the rest of his trial time, simply waiting, waiting, and waiting. Even being a child, he knew there was something wrong with the things being done to him, not that he could complain, anyway.

I'm happy

The idiot had always been happy, from the moment he'd met Kanda, his face had held nothing but smiles and laughs. Kanda had been compelled, for reasons unknown to even himself, over how he could always be so happy. There was nothing to be happy about, yet that fucking smile was always there.

It had somehow managed to pull Kanda out of his own pity, truly bring him to life for the first time. Even being born of different mothers, they were brothers. Inseparable brothers and it got them in trouble more often than not.

I thought

Heh, if that didn't get a chuckle out of Kanda, nothing would.

They'd done everything together, tried everything together. The first time Alma had approached him, lips puckered, he'd just stared. "I heard people that liked each other kissed!" he had said, tugging on Kanda's sleeve. They'd been foolish children, but that was something one would expect when they were the only children in a huge place such as the Black Order. Alma had tugged on his sleeve, insisting that Kanda partake in his games. When he finally gave in, it had been the brushing of lips, and then they pulled away, Alma's giggles filling the hallway connecting their rooms.

I was the only one.

Running through the hallways had always been a sure-fire way of getting in trouble. That's why, Kanda figured, Alma had constantly sprinted through the halls, yanking Kanda along with him. Sometimes they got caught, sometimes they didn't. No matter, Alma was always satisfied. The same toothy grin on his face as he smiled at Kanda; beckoning for him to follow him onto the roof.

The roof had always been their favorite hideout, even if they knew the adults knew about it. For the first month or so that Alma had begun dragging him along with his adventures, Kanda had remained silent; quietly listening to the younger boy talk.

He could talk forever, it seemed. There'd always be a new subject the second an old one got boring; whether it be a new scientist, or the most recent test that had been tried on the boy.

Eating together, Kanda had to admit, was the best part of the day. They'd always had assigned meal, and Kanda had always been curious as to what Alma was eating. Noodles, it seemed. But whenever he asked the chef to make him some, he'd shake his head and tell him it would be breaking the rules. When he'd asked Alma, the boy had smirked and picked up a noodle, throwing it onto Kanda's plate. It was plain, not that he cared much for taste, but he briefly wondered how the other could eat it everyday.

So you're called…

The first time Alma had made Kanda laugh, was when he'd fell in the cafeteria, the strange noodles leaking down the sides of his head as people scrambled to lift him up. At the time, Kanda hadn't thought much of panicking adults. But thinking back, he realized how stupid he'd been. How… naïve.

Once they had gotten back to their room, Alma had giggled and hugged Kanda because of the laugh. "Wow, Yuu! I've never seen you laugh before!" he'd said, arms tightening around his waist as they fell to the mattress together. They had stayed like that for a good minute, simply staring at the ceiling; no words necessary between the two.

…Yuu?

The whole time he'd known Alma, the boy had been smiling. At first it had made Kanda curious; wandering how it was possible in such a place, but then he began to realize it was the only way to continue on in such a place.

The day Kanda had been given his sword- Mugen- from a man named Zhu, had been the first time he had truly smiled. Laughs, he decided, didn't count. Alma had been there, peeking over his shoulder as the old man delicately placed it in his hands, bowing as he stepped back. Kanda had briefly wondered why Alma hadn't been given anything, but brushed it off once the boy began talking about it. He didn't seem jealous, so why should Kanda care? If anything, it made Alma happier now that they had a new topic of conversation.

That it, until sword lessons had begun.

Huh? Me?

From day one, Alma had sat and watched as Kanda learned about the sword. Stance had come first, then technique; how he held it. Being seven and attempting to hold a sword taller than himself, proved to be a hard thing to do. The man that couched him had laughed along with Alma once they'd brought it up, and Kanda had looked down, blushing.

Their time together had been cut shorter and shorter as lessons continued. Kanda had been taught a technique people used to clear their minds, and was quite set on attempting it. However, whenever he sat down to mediate, Alma would come in and start talking to him about petty things.

"Why do you obey everything they tell you?" Alma had asked one day, catching Kanda off guard.

"I don't know. It's not like they tell me to do anything really important." Had been his childish reply, rolling onto his stomach and supporting his chin with his arm; staring at the other boy.

"Yeah, but Yuu…" he'd paused, rolling onto his back and staring at the ceiling, "We should run away one day."

"Alma, we can't do that. We barely know about anything outside of the Order. And if we left, they'd just come and hunt us down. Then they'd probably do some more tests on us. And besides," he paused, glancing over at the other boy. "I like learning about how to use my sword."

"But Yuu," Alma whispered, turning to face the older of the two. "Never mind. If you like it here, I'll stay!" He smiled and wrapped his arms around Kanda; face pressed against the tattoo they both knew was there. Even if they both had the opposite of the other's, it somehow bonded them.

Heh… heh, I'm a little shy.

Kanda had never realized just how strong Alma was until that day. It had been normal just like any other, boring, even. Until Alma ran into the cafeteria and pulled Kanda out by the arm; directing them both o their room.

"Yuu, do you want to run away?"

He'd stared at the younger boy with wide eyes for a moment, half expecting him to start laughing and slap him on the back. Or even give him another hug. But he didn't, and it bothered Kanda.

"Alma, you asked me that already. You said you'd stay!" He protested, gripping the other's shirt with enough force to rip it.

"But Kanda, I don't know anymore. We're just used for tests; I don't even know why we're still here…" Tears were rolling down the boy's cheeks, and Kanda didn't understand why, He wanted to help his friend, but he couldn't if he didn't know what was wrong.

"What happened?" He asked softly, hugging the other boy like he'd done so many times to him.

"Yuu, I love you." He whispered, pulling himself from Kanda's grasp and darting out the door.

It wasn't as if the boy hadn't said it to Kanda before, and he'd long since accepted it. He loved the other, too. Or at least, he thought he did. He'd never loved anyone before, so how was he to tell the difference between liking and disliking? He'd even told the other before, smiling as he did so.

An alarm went off, and Kanda ran out of his room, darting towards the section of the building he was told to go to if anything of the like had ever occurred.

He was horrified; there was blood everywhere. His heart stopped as he frantically searched for Alma, ignoring the adults that grabbed at him. That was when he spotted him amidst a pile of bodies, blood covering his face and arms.

"Kanda!" Zhu had called as he approached the boy, tugging him by the shoulder backwards and away from Alma.

"No! Let go! I have to go talk to Alma!" But the old man continued pulling him away from his friend, tears flowing down his face.

"Kanda, you can't go near him!" he yelled, yanking harshly on Kanda's arm. There was an announcement over the intercom.

"Yuu Kanda, you're orders are to kill Alma Karma! I repeat-!"

The words continued, but Kanda couldn't hear them. Kill Alma? W-were they serious? They couldn't be! No!

"Kanda!" The old man handed him his sword, unsheathing it for him. "Y-you have to!" The tears kept streaming down his face as he said it, forcing the sword into Kanda's numb hands. "I'm so sorry! I- I'm so sorry…" He sobbed, running out the door.

Kanda stood still for a moment, mind not registering the screams around him. He could hear the blood splashing against walls, the pleads given to the boy half the adults age. He refused to turn around. Refused to even open his eyes. Alma couldn't possibly be doing this. It was just one of his jokes. He'd come over and hug him, or give another grin if he just waited another minute.

"KANDA!" Someone screamed, and he finally opened his eyes, ignoring the tears that wouldn't stop.

Blinking, he turned and took in the image again. Alma. He was covered in blood, murderous glare on his face. He gripped the hilt of his sword, praying that it would somehow end this horrible nightmare.

Another scientist was killed, and Kanda released a sob he didn't realize he'd been holding in. He couldn't possibly do anything.

"Alma!" He yelled, taking a step towards the figure. He received no answer, instead, the boy grabbed another person and strangled them, fingers digging so far into their throats that blood seeped out.

It was Alma –his only friend- or the rest of the people in the Order. He'd been ordered, dammit! How the hell did they expect him to do something?!

Tears streaming down his face, he sprinted forward and brought the sword down on Alma's arm. When the other didn't give a response, he did it again, and again. Sobs made their way past his lips freely as blood continued to hit the ground, yet, Alma still stood. They bother had the healing power, and he knew the small things he was doing weren't going to affect the younger boy any time soon.

Sucking in another breath, he brought the sword across the boy's small waist, blood spraying his clothing. The other looked down at the new wound, grinning sadistically as he grabbed the collar of Kanda's shirt and threw his into the wall behind him. He grabbed another screaming scientist, hand penetrating her ribcage and pulling her heart out and throwing it across the room before dumping her dead body on the floor with the rest.

There wasn't enough time to think about it, he knew, and instead took up another stance and he bolted at the younger boy, sword slicing deep into his shoulder. It healed immediately, leaving Kanda with no other choice but to strike his head. One hit became two, then three and the tears were flowing freely, sword cutting at whatever part of Alma it came in contact.

Alma finally lay unconscious on the ground, head in Kanda's lap. Blood stained every inch of his clothing and hair, caked onto his sword and face.

When people from the other branches of the order finally showed up, they'd pulled Alma away from him. He'd still been crying; for more than three hours, and even afterwards. His only friend, killed by his own hand. And the lotus was still there.

They call me Alma.

-

A/n. I'm depressed after writing this. I felt bad enough reading chapter 188, but on the kink meme there was a request for something relating to Kanda/Alma after Alma wakes up. So I did this instead. So in ways, it could be considered a fill.

This wasn't meant to be as long as it was. At first, I thought I'd be lucky if it was a thousand words, but here I am with two thousand. And I messed up with this, Zhu wasn't supposed to be in the Order when Alma went berserk, so when it said that he ran off, imagine it as him escaping and contacting another branch for help.

I don't know. Reviews would be appreciated and make me feel so much better. Thanks for reading.