Cursed to Relive

Chapter 11

Friendships

Disclaimer: I am not J.K. Rowling, nor do I own the Harry Potter Series.

There were many times that Severus rued the day that some higher power had chosen for him to relive his life, his suffering and his pain. He hated oh so much of it, from his endlessly-chattering dorm-mates (if he had to deal with one more 'What are you up to?'...) to the impossibly mundane classes (it had been easy enough when he was reallyeleven), it was aggravating in the extreme...

Then there was that continually-bothersome Gilbert fellow...

"Hey, Severus, care to join us in a game of Gobstones?" asked the freckled young man, sitting beside his typical gaggle of first and second years. If Severus didn't know better, he'd say that the grinning redhead was collecting them, since he always seemed to have a couple around him. "I think that Agatha must be cheating, she's winning so much."

"Am not!" piped up the skinny brunette, sitting up from where she had laid untidily on the fat armchair beneath her. "Besides, Stephen won two out of the last seven!"

"I'm just kidding, Agatha," replied Gilbert lightly, before turning to Severus. "So...you in?"

Severus looked at the cozy scene, unable to keep his lip from curling in distaste at the revolting display of camaraderie, but he nonetheless managed to say politely, giving a smooth bow, "Thank you for the offer, but I'll pass."

A snort came from one of the children. "That's hardly a surprise. Snape would sooner jump off a cliff rather than play a game with us, I'll bet. Come on, Gilbert; let's get back to the game." It was Stephen Tooby, one of Severus' most-preferred room-mates, for the simple fact that he seemed to quite dislike the ex-Slytherin.

He'd take dislike over the endless bothering of his other dorm-mates any day of the week...and twice on Sundays.

"That's not very nice, Stephen," said Gilbert, giving Stephen a look, before smiling back at Severus. "Come on, Severus, join us. You've probably already read Hogwart: a History a hundred times since you got to the castle. Take a break, play some Gobstones. You can get back to your book after curfew. Right now is the time to enjoy yourself, to make friends!"

Severus frowned at him in annoyance, then a thought struck him. Smirking, he said coolly, "You know, you might just have a point, Mr. Weasley. I likely do spend too much time sitting down reading my books. Perhaps I should make a change."

"That might be a good idea," said Gilbert, warmly patting the seat between him and Agatha. "Come on, have some fun for a change. You only live once, you know."

'If only,' thought Severus to himself, before saying, a mild edge to his voice, "No, not that. Sitting around playing Gobstones would be a childish way to spend an evening. Especially with...these sort." He looked at them all disdainfully, enjoying the glares of the other children, before he said in the same cool tones, "Instead, I believe I shall take a walk. Don't worry, Mr. Weasley, I will be back by curfew."

Gilbert's smile faded into a look of annoyance, and he shook his head. He stayed polite though as he replied, "Very well, Severus. Perhaps you will change your mind when you return."

"Perhaps, but likely not," replied Severus, putting Hogwarts: a History back into his book bag, then striding swiftly to the door. "Goodbye."

He shut the door behind him quickly, and then began his walk, a satisfied smirk upon his face. Without paying attention, he retraced a patrol route he had followed a thousand times as a professor when he had been trying to catch students past curfew. It had been carefully chosen over the years to go past all of the popular places for the dunderheaded, hormone-laden, teenage population of Hogwarts to make mischief.

Of course, he had always been careful to vary the exact route of his patrols every so often, lest he become too predictable.

With that in mind, Severus decided to head down to the kitchens for a small snack, as he had sometimes done on said patrols. It was particularly convenient now that he was a member of Hufflepuff house, as it was close by his dormitory.

In fact, come to think of it, it was also close to Lily's dorm...

He frowned, immediately cutting off that line of thought. Thinking of Lily was simply depressing, as it endlessly reminded him of what he would never have. Instead, he preferred to think of how well...relatively speaking, his life had been going of late.

Firstly, in spite of the preposterously annoying and mothering nature of Hufflepuff house, he had managed to finally get it to sink into their thick skulls that he preferred to be left alone. Save for Gilbert Weasley, who was both as easy-going and forgiving as his older brother would be in the future, most of them had started to avoid him.

That was a good thing. Now he could be alone again.

Secondly...well, his mother was keeping in touch with him. However, since they had left Tobias, she had been forced to find a way to support both of them, and now was working as a waitress in one of the smaller restaurants in Knockturn Alley. There was no overtime in the wizarding world, and pay was low, so to manage it, she needed to work nearly sixty hours a week. This didn't leave much time for anything else, so her letters to Severus were generally short and to the point.

He replied to each of them in kind. It wasn't out of dislike though-Severus merely disliked meaningless chitchat.

Also, he had managed to avoid any conflicts with the Marauders, even though they had already started their bullying careers-Sirius still hadn't figured out who had been responsible for the Full-Body Bind that had afflicted him a couple of weeks ago, and none of the rest had any particular interest in a random Hufflepuff boy.

As such, all in all, Severus was rather...content with his life. It was quiet, and he was almost always alone. It was the perfect life for him, really...and if he kept reminding himself of that fact then maybe it would be, no matter what might happen in regards to Lily.

He had made it almost to the portrait of the bowl of fruit which served as the entrance to the kitchen when he heard footsteps behind him.

Severus almost lazily let a hand drift down to his wand-pocket as he turned around. Perhaps it was the Marauders, Sirius having discovered who had been responsible for his humiliation. Regardless of who it was, he would be prepared.

However, it wasn't any of the Marauders, nor even Lily. It was the odd blonde girl he had met on the train. Walking up to him, she stood, nervously biting her lip as her eyes shifted between him and her feet. "Hello...Severus, was it?"

Severus didn't remove his hand from his wand. He couldn't assume anything, as he didn't know anything about her, save for her being a Ravenclaw, and her being strange. He didn't even know her name. All the same, he was careful not to let his suspicion show as he said, "Yes, and you are?"

For some reason, she looked somewhat crestfallen. "I guess you weren't listening on the train, were you?" She looked at him, then glanced away again as she said, "My name is Evelyn Matthews...and I'd like to thank you for what you did for me."

Severus raised an eyebrow. "You would like to...thank me?"

She nodded quickly.

Severus stood there silently for several seconds, then said, "You're welcome."

"Would you like to be friends?" blurted out the girl. "I mean..." she trailed off.

Severus stared at her, rather nonplussed, then his eyebrows narrowed. Why wouldn't everybody just leave him alone? "I am not interested. Goodbye."

Evelyn looked crushed. "But...why not?"

Severus' voice was cold, even cruel as he replied, "The real question is: why would I want to be friends with a girl like you. I'm not interested in your friendship."

Evelyn stared at him, a strange, almost calculating look upon her face.

Nearly a minute passed in silence, then Severus said, his voice quiet, "If you'll excuse me, Miss Matthews-"

"The basis for your conclusion is faulty, and lacks evidence," said Evelyn suddenly. "Severus, you've decided you lack interest in a friendship with me, but you don't even know me. You didn't even know my name before we spoke today. How would you know you wouldn't want to be friends with me?"

Severus' eyebrows shot up to his hair as he looked at her, suppressing any feeling of curiosity. "I was not aware that I needed to prove my reason for a lack of interest, Matthews."

She opened her mouth...and closed it again, looking at him oddly. Finally, she said, "Then why did you help me, Severus? From what little observation I've done, you aren't someone who would stick up on someone else's behalf simply because it was the right thing to do."

"I detest Black," replied Severus simply. "It had nothing to do with you."

Evelyn nodded slowly. "Oh...I see. I thought...I thought that maybe...maybe you wanted to help me. I hoped that maybe...I haven't made many friends yet...or any."

Severus didn't say anything.

Evelyn let out a deep sigh, looking down at her feet. "Alright, I guess I'll see you around then, Mr. Snape."

He nodded even though he knew she couldn't see it, a strange lump in his throat. "Yes, I suppose you will."

"Very well then, I guess that's everything." She turned to look at him, smiling widely.

Severus flinched. That smile...it was forced and utterly empty, without the slightest trace of happiness, nor hope for said happiness.

She then said, still smiling that awful smile, "Goodbye."

And with that, she turned around and began to walk away.

'It would be foolish,' he reminded himself, turning away. 'All that would happen is each of us getting hurt. There would be no point...'

He imagined a smile much like her own, from many years ago.

"I will be studying tonight," he suddenly announced. He saw her stop, utterly still. "In the library, I will be studying for my transfiguration paper."

There was a brief silence, then...

"I'll be studying there too. An hour before curfew."

"As will I," said Severus, before walking away, his snack forgotten.

This was clearly a bad idea, and even if it wasn't...well, given his luck it would blow up in his face anyway.

Failure was his past, present and future.

If it were up to him, he would never have friends again. However, at the sight of those lifeless eyes...he couldn't find it within him to be that heartless.

For most of the first years, the lunch between classes was a time to relax, to hang out with friend and swap stories of the day, sharing in each others' triumphs and commiserating with their failures. It was something they looked forward to, as for them, Hogwarts meant hard work that they really didn't want to do, attending because they had to in order to be competent witches and wizards.

This was especially true for Purebloods and Half-bloods, as for them it was no different than it would have been in a Muggle high school, as there was a similar lack of appreciation for the importance of the subjects studied, having a mundaneity to those born in the wizarding world that no mere Mudblood would ever understand.

For Lily Evans, it was quite different indeed. She was born a Mudblood, had few friends, and had was used to spending most of her free time by herself after having spent much of her childhood cloistered in her own home. As such, she usually buried herself in her school books, and once she had finished those, whatever library books she could get her hands on.

She particularly liked reading about Transfiguration. The very idea of the subject excited her in fact, the idea of using magic to change things. She could turn an eagle to a rat, a solid boulder into mud. She even sometimes fancied that she could change herself if she mastered it, making her into someone that wasn't quite so unlikeable.

She was also fond of Defense Against the Dark Arts and Potions, for similar reasons in the case of Potions. With a good potion, one could change a person, make them happy, lucky, or even loving and kind. Maybe even likeable.

With Defense Against the Dark Arts, she loved reading about all the dangerous and strange creatures, each deadly in their own way. Right then in fact, she was so engrossed in the library book on Runespoors that she didn't notice a figure approaching her from behind, at least until a rather brusque voice spoke, "So...what are you doing?"

Lily found herself looking up into the brown eyes of Mary MacDonald, her face bearing a guarded expression as she watched Lily strangely. "Um...I'm studying. Would you like to join me?" asked the redhead with a smile.

Mary nodded, walking around Lily's table to sit across from her. Pulling out her Charms textbook, the girl began to read.

Lily did the same as Mary, returning to her book, which was now at a section about methods to deal with the sudden appearance of a Runespoor. Some of the spells recommended were quite fascinating...

"Hmm, have any tips on how to perform a hovering charm, Lily?" asked Mary, writing down in a sheet of parchment. "I've got the incantation down...more or less and can cast it well enough. I'm just having an issue or two with describing the wand movements. How do you do it?"

"I'm pretty sure it says in the book, Mary," replied Lily with a frown. "You can just write what it says and change it a little I think."

"I know that," groused Mary. "I just wanted to do the work a little more...honestly, I suppose. I thought I'd ask you is all. "

'If you just wanted to talk to me in order to steal notes off of me, the joke's on you.' thought Lily waspishly. 'Maybe you should have checked that I'm actually good in the subject.'

She said none of this aloud though, instead returning to her reading with a single sigh.

Several minutes passed in silence, and then Mary closed her book and said in a cool voice, "So, it appears my friends think that you've been 'Slytherined'. Should I be worried?"

"Huh? Slytherined? What do you mean?" asked Lily, setting her own book down to stare at her companion. Mary had a very sour look on her face.

"Yes, it's weird but...they keep telling me…never mind." Mary turned away, glaring down at her book.

Lily continued to stare at her, trying to figure out what she meant. "What do they keep saying?"

"My housemates keep telling me that you won't want to be friends with me because I'm a Muggleborn, although that's stupid because you're-"

"Shhh!" said Lily, desperately glancing around the library to see if anyone had noticed. It seemed not though, much to her good fortune.

Mary gave her a strange look. "Lily, it's no big deal. Blood status is something that only matters to people like Mulciber. Unless...do those friends of you have you thinking that I'm bad news because of that? Because if so," went on Mary. "I swear, I'm going to thump you on the head so hard..."

"I don't think you're bad news..." asked Lily in a small voice. "...although I still don't know why you would want to be friends with me."

"Oh..." said Mary, seeming to consider. She looked at Lily as if she had grown a second head. "I want to be your friend because I like you."

"I see...and I like you too." replied Lily, her face flushing in embarrassment before changing the subject. "How are things going in Gryffindor?"

Mary sounded rather sheepish for a change as she said, "Not too well, actually. James seems to be getting a bigger head by the day. Sirius is angry about some fellow who humiliated him...or he thinks it's a fellow-I personally think it was a girl. Meanwhile, there's this girl I share a room with, Sabrina Percival, and she's absolutely mad about James Potter...and thinks she should drive me mad about him as well!"

"I could always trade housemates with you," said the young Slytherin with a laugh.

Mary snorted. "You have no idea how much I'd like to take you up on that offer."

"Maybe after the holidays..."

The two girls both smiled, and then Lily heard footsteps behind her. Turning, she saw Severus Snape walking past her table, bookbag in hand.

Her prince was in the library!

Lily found her face flushing, and returned her eyes to her book. She knew he spent a lot of time reading like she did, but he rarely stayed in the library longer than the time it took to check out a new set of books. What was he doing here?

Lily saw him glance over in her direction, and felt herself immediately freeze, the proverbial dear in the headlights. Their eyes met for a moment, then he turned to his table and sat down, pulling out his textbook.

"So that's Snape, eh?" asked Mary thoughtfully, following her gaze. "From what you hear the Gryffindor boys of our year saying, he's probably the weirdest Hufflepuff to ever exist."

"What do you mean?" asked Lily, curious.

Mary shrugged. "I don't know. I mean, he's a bit odd looking, especially with those teeth, but I wouldn't know much else. I hear he keeps to himself."

As Mary finished, Lily heard footsteps again, and turned to see a blonde girl walking past her, wearing Ravenclaw colors. The girl strode over to Severus' table and sat down beside him, pulling out her textbook much like he had.

"We should get back to our own studying," said Mary, a frown upon her face as she turned back toward Lily. "Is there anything you need help with? I'm no good at Potions, but I'm really good at Transfiguration."

Lily smiled wanly. "I'm good at that as well. It's Charms I could use help with." She glanced at Severus. He was very good in Charms.

Mary shrugged. "Well, I'm not too bad at that. What are you having trouble with?"

Lily laughed. "Everything."

"Well, let's start with the basics. You see..."

And so, the two girls worked together until curfew, each doing their best to help the other with their weaker subjects. All the same, Lily couldn't help from being distracted.

Glancing into Severus' eyes every few minutes could do that to her.

...X...

Over the next several weeks, Lily was pleased to see that her Charms marks were improving. They were still mediocre, but no longer were they laughable.

Plus, Mary and her had become fast friends, and they saw each other two to three times a week outside of classes. Usually, it was in the library for studying, but sometimes it was simply having a snack outside by the lake-although as the days grew colder, that happened rarer and rarer.

They were even talking about Lily spending the holidays at Mary's home. It was far more appealing to the young Slytherin than the idea of going home, where her parents would smile while tiptoeing around her like she was a rabid dog. Meanwhile, Petunia would pretend she didn't exist...although Lily noticed that she made dead certain she was never alone in the same room with her sister.

Staying at Hogwarts for the holidays wasn't much more appealing. Only a few Slytherin students planned to stay here rather than spending time with their loved ones or going to see friends-it seemed like all of them planned to visit each other, or were inviting one another over.

It didn't escape Lily's notice that none of them were inviting her.

It seemed that even at Hogwarts she was a freak.

It wasn't until a cold Thursday in early December though that she started to find out why.

"Alright, I'll see you in class tomorrow then?" asked Mary as the two of them were walking into the Great Hall for lunch.

Lily nodded, a small smile upon her face. "Yeah. Oh, did you get a letter from your parents yet? Did they say that I can come over?"

"Uh huh. They said..." Mary paused, a small smirk. "Yes!"

"Really! They did!"

Mary nodded. "Yes they did. The week before Christmas, we're heading up to our home. We'll have a sleepover, eat ice cream, and watch movies together. I don't know about you, but I can't wait!"

"Me either. In fact..." Lily trailed off, noticing how some of her housemates were watching her, whispering. "Uh, I didn't realize it until just now, but that Yorkshire Pudding smells really, really good. Mind if I...?"

Mary shrugged, glancing at her table. "Alright, I'll see you tomorrow."

"Of course," replied Lily, before walking over to the table and sitting down by Mulciber, who was chatting with some of the boys in his dorm. "Hey Arcturus, how is your Charms essay coming?"

He said nothing, giving her a look.

Lily looked around, noticing the continual furtive glances in her direction. Swallowing, she asked, "Arcturus, what's going on?"

He looked at her again, then said in a tight voice, "Let's talk after lunch. I'll explain then."

Lily nodded, then sat down to eat, but found that her appetite had almost vanished. What was going on? She had a bad feeling about this...

After half an hour, during which Lily managed to force down a sandwich and drank some pumpkin juice, Mulciber had finished. Turning to her, he said in a low voice, "Let's talk privately, alright?"

With that, he led her to an out of the way corridor on the third floor. It was old and dusty, and looked as if nobody had been there in years.

Once they got there, Mulciber turned around and sighed, leaning against a slowly crumbling statue. "Lily, you really need to be more careful about the company you keep. You don't seem to realize how it reflects on you, and those around you."

"Huh?" Lily blinked, nonplussed.

"MacDonald, your 'friend'." said Mulciber in a patient voice. "You know what she is, right?"

"Ohhh," said Lily, understanding. "You mean...because she's a Muggleborn?"

Mulciber chuckled. "There's no need to be polite when it's just the two of us. A Mudblood's a Mudblood, no matter how you dress it up." He then paused, his handsome young face growing graver. "And yes, it's because she's a Mudblood...mostly anyway."

"Mostly?"

He frowned. "You've met Rosier, right? Evan Rosier."

Lily pursed her lips, trying to think. She vaguely recalled a wiry boy. "Yeah...I think, a year past us, right?"

"Yeah, that's the boy," said her companion grimly. "Well, last night, he got an owl from his mother. It seems that his favorite cousin got fired from her job at Miss Malkin's, and a week after her fiancé left her."

"Oh no... That's awful," said Lily, her heart going out to the poor girl.

Mulciber looked Lily in the eye, saying darkly. "And what makes matters worse is that she was replaced by one of those Mudbloods. Bad enough everything else happened to her, but to lose it to some scummy Mudblood like that? It's disgusting, that's what it is. They're always taking stuff from us, that's what my dad says. It's not enough to be allowed to live and learn here, they have to steal our futures, are homes!" By the end of his diatribe, he was all but shouting, breathing rapidly.

Lily took a step back, frightened. "And Mary? How come he's mad at her?"

Mulciber let out an exasperated sigh. "It's not Mary, it's what she represents! By parading around with her like that, it's like you're saying that you're with her side, rather than our side. And it's just awful on Evan right now."

"I see..." Lily gulped, hoping desperately that this wasn't going where she thought it was. She liked Mary! She didn't want to stop being friends with her! "Do you want me to stop talking to her? Is that what you're saying?"

"It would be best, Lily," said Mulciber with a cool frown. "You don't want to be seen as a Blood Traitor, you know."

"I...I don't know..."

"However, you don't have to, not completely anyway." he said carefully. "You just have to be a bit more discreet about it, you know? Not flaunting it. Just...don't draw attention to it, alright?"

Lily nodded slowly. "I understand...I think."

Mulciber patted her on the shoulder, slowly smiling. "Good, I'm glad we had this talk. Now listen, I'm going to be absent the next Charms class. There's something I need to take care of. Would you mind covering for me?"

"Alright..."

He grinned. "Thanks Lily, you're an awesome friend!"

Lily nodded as she watched him go. Even as he did so, she felt a disgusting feeling slip down the back of her throat, into her stomach, like she had eaten something rotten.

She tried to convince herself otherwise. 'It's not like I'm not going to stop being friends with Mary. I'll just have to be more subtle about it. That's all.'

However, the rotten feeling wouldn't go away,

'It will all work out in the end, right?'

She had the feeling the rotten feeling was herself...

...X...

It had taken close to three months, but Severus had finally managed to get all of his fellow Hufflepuffs to stop trying to partner with him in class.

Another man might have celebrated. Severus merely allowed his lips to quirk into a satisfied smirk.

Now he no longer had to deal with bothersome classmates who wanted his help. Nor their inane attempts to make friends with him, ask him about his day, gossip with him, or any of the other things that bothered him so. Instead, he had peace and quiet, just like always.

That sounded a bit depressing, even in his own mind. All the same, he just wanted to be left alone.

Taking his seat in the back, he glanced at the topic for today: Another basic Charm he had been able to do with ease at this point in his first life. By now, it presented barely any difficulty at all, the only challenge coming from getting the muscle memory back for the spell.

Still, it would at least help with the boredom. Besides, it was definitely better to have a small amount of difficulty with the spell, just for the sake of appearances. That way, he would be mostly ignored by both other students and professors. Better for his cover.

He was just starting to read a bit into his textbook, to pass the time while the professor went over the basics, when Flitwick said aloud, "Miss Evans, have you see Mr. Mulciber? He's your partner for this class, I believe."

Severus glanced over at Lily, who seemed embarrassed to be in the spotlight. "Uh, yes. About that...he was throwing up all this morning. I don't think he'll be making it today."

'What a lazy leech...' Severus shook his head. In the short time he and Mulciber had been partners for Potions in sixth year, Mulciber had skipped out of at least one class in four. He had always had Severus make excuses for him, until he had gotten too fed up with it. 'I wonder how long it will be until Lily cottons on.'

Professor Flitwick frowned, tapping his fingers on top of the table. "Alright, but I think it would be best for you to be partnered with someone today, all the same."

As Severus observed, Lily looked over at two Slytherin girls who had been watching what was happening, likely her roommates. However, they looked away. She sighed. "I'll be fine, professor."

Flitwick followed her gaze, then sighed. "Hmm, all the same..." He looked around the room, his eyes falling on Severus. "Mr. Snape, it seems that you are without a partner as well. Would you mind helping Miss Evans?"

Lily sunk down a bit in her chair, mumbling something Severus was too far away to hear as a red flush creeped across her face.

Severus frowned. He'd prefer to avoid Lily if at all possible-the idea of getting too close to her was far too painful for his inclinations. However, he decided that one class wouldn't be too much. Besides, he didn't want to embarrass her, so... "I would not mind, professor."

Flitwick smiled, but Severus' eyes were fastened upon Lily. She seemed shocked, but smiled in the exact same way he had remembered her. Before Flitwick could say anything, she had already picked up her things and was moving over to where Severus was, sitting down beside him.

Quietly, he heard her say, "Thank you, Severus."

'Always.'

Author's Note: Hey everyone, I know it's been nearly a year now since I've posted anything, but you know how sometimes a good review inspires you? Well, I just got a couple a little while ago, and I just couldn't help myself. I had to write some more. Besides, it made a nice distraction from the book I'm still working on. Don't expect me to write too much more though...

...although if I were to get a bunch of lovely, detailed constructive reviews on my fics, that might inspire me. Hint. Hint.

Not so bright side: I am having a bit of difficulty keeping my writing as angsty as I did back then. Then again, I'm pretty happy now, so, meh.

However, I will definitely need a Beta. My previous Beta is no longer able to assist me, so I need to find a new one. Until then, this chapter goes unbetaed.