Ice Princess, a buffy x-overs fanfic

So, me and Jounouchi-sama want to try a fic one more time. Let's see how his insanity goes under my less than gentle ministrations.

Pairings: Joyce/Hank, Scott/Emma, Buffy/?

Disclaimer: *checks through paperwork* Nope, don't own it. But I seem to own a lot of lint...

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"Hey, mom, I'm home!" Buffy Summers, Vampire Slayer, shouted as she returned home from her nightly patrol, only to be greeted by silence. There was no note and the door had been unlocked, so her mother had to be home, right?

After a momentary worry that she'd been kidnapped, Buffy headed upstairs to find her mother staring into her room with a confused look on her face. "Hey, mom, everything okay?" Joyce turned to look at her daughter and the look grew even more confused. Buffy felt a deep sinking feeling in her stomach. Something was very wrong here. "Mom?"

"I think you're confused, dear," Joyce said. "I have no idea who you are, and I'm fairly sure I don't have a daughter. I don't even know where I am."

And Buffy's whole world came crashing down on her.

Outside her window, an oddly dressed man was listening into the conversation.

"Oh, that's not a good sign," he muttered to himself. "Great. I've been in this asshole of a town for three months, her mother doesn't know who she is, the writer's being cryptic and I don't even have my little yellow boxes. This blows," he watched as Buffy tried to convince her mother that she did, indeed, have a daughter who was standing right in front of her before running out of the house with tears in her eyes and violence on her mind. "Something I can get along with," the man said, leaping from the tree and following her. Maybe he'd finally get to kill something. "Maybe I'll finally get to kill something."

Buffy snarled as she tore through her 10th vampire. Obviously they thought she'd be home and the town was theirs.

But at this point in time, it didn't look like Buffy even had a home. Her mother certainly didn't know who she was. That tore into Buffy's heart, that single fact. Her own mother didn't seem to know who she was, didn't remember having a daughter.

Buffy turned on her next vampire, not even bothering with a stake and simply tearing his head off. Anything to stop thinking about that. Anything to keep that one fact off her mind.

Anything.

"Whoa..." her mystery stalker said. "Please, oh great and kind author, please don't let her look at me with those eyes and decide I'm prey. I'm too young and good looking to be headless. Okay, maybe less of the good looking. But still..." his rant was cut off by a petite fist slamming into his chest, breaking ribs and sending him flying.

"So not the best day to be following me around," Buffy said, staling towards him.

"Ow..." the man said, rubbing his chest as his bones snapped into place and healed. "That was... ow. That hurt. You got quite a..." her fist smashed into his face, sending him to the ground. "Hey!" He complained, straitening his nose and standing up. "Stop hitting me."

"Well, can I kill you then?"

"No! No hitting or killing. Geez, you're violent. Ordinarily I'd count that as a good thing, but not when I'm the one getting violenced against!" Buffy blinked, looking at the man in his strange blue and yellow uniform with an X on the front, his red and black mask, his twin swords and several guns.

"Who are you?"

"Ah, finally, my big introduction!" he said, taking a sweeping bow. "I am the Merc with the Mouth, the strapping and unkillable rogue and one of the very few character Rob Liefeld created without oversized shoulder pads, the mysterious Wade Wilson. But most call me Deadpool!" Buffy blinked again...

Then knocked him on his ass.

"You were supposed to be impressed!" he complained.

"Do you ever shut up?"

"Nope, not usually. People have tried, but I usually keep yapping. It's my mutant power!"

"Really?"

"No."

"Good," Buffy said. "Cause that would suck as a power. I might actually have to feel sorry for you."

"Would it mean no more hitting?" Wade asked. Buffy thought about that for a moment.

"No. But I might feel bad about it."

"Oh. Actually I heal good."

"How good?" Buffy asked. Wade really didn't like the glint in her eye.

"Uh... I have terminal cancer that my healing factor was designed to counter? I've lost limbs and just reattached them," Buffy grinned wickedly.

"Goody. I have issues. Can I work them out on you?"

"Um...No?"

What followed is too brutal for eyes, so we'll get back to them in a minute.

"THAT DOESN'T BEND THAT WAY! OW MY SPLEEN!!"

1 hour and a beating later
"That... hurt..." Wade moaned as Buffy dragged him into the library.

"Oh, shut up," Buffy snapped. Beating him up had felt good, but now she was thinking straight, his arrival seemed off to her. "Giles, get your nose out of the books!"

"Why are you so mean to me?" Deadpool sobbed as Giles came out of his office.

"Dear Lord, Buffy, what on earth...?"

"How about I find your whole appearance RIGHT when my mom forgets I even existed just a tiny bit suspicious?" Buffy snapped, dropping the mercenary on the ground. "MY MOTHER DOESN'T EVEN KNOW WHO I AM!"

"Good Lord..." Giles said quietly as the Slayer ranted. From behind her he couldn't see the tears gathering in her eyes.

"Totally not my fault," Wade said meekly. "Really."

"Whatever," Buffy's foot smashed into his side.

"That... was my kidney..."

"Buffy enough!" Giles said sharply.

"He heals fast, Giles," Buffy informed her Watcher. "He's probably already growing that back."

"Still... hurts..."

"Nevertheless, you can't just beat the man into a bloody pulp on a suspicion," Giles lectured.

"Thank... you..."

"Let's get him tied up for now. I'll look into you mothers memory loss."

"Can I cut off the circulation to his foot?" Buffy asked innocently. "Or his brain?"

"God, you really are her daughter, aren't you?" Wade muttered. Unfortunately for him, Buffy was a Slayer. And Slayers can hear really well.

"Who's daughter?" Buffy asked darkly. "What are you talking about? What do you know?"

"Nothing, I swear!" Deadpool said quickly. "My mind's emptier than something that's really empty!I promise!"

"Hm... nope, don't believe you," Buffy said, cracking her knuckles.

"Eep!"

"Buffy, can you step into my office, please?" Giles interrupted her. Buffy turned to him for a moment, noting the disappointed and stern look on his face and followed him into the office. "Buffy I know you're upset," he began, closing the door. "But you have no proof that this... man knows anything."

"He does, Giles, he has to," Buffy said. There was an almost desperate tone to her voice, something Giles understood. "He shows up right after mom tells me she has no idea who I am... oh God, Giles, mom. She doesn't know where she is, what's going on. She doesn't remember the divorce. What if she calls dad? I..."

"Buffy, please, calm down," Giles said. "You need to have a clear head and think rationally."

"Think... Giles my mother doesn't know me!" Buffy screamed. "How can I think rationally?" Giles was at a loss for a moment. How could he reassure his Slayer when everything had spiralled so out of control so quickly.

"I know," he whispered, gathering her into a hug. "Look, stay here for a moment, calm down. Make yourself a cuppa, you can stay with me for the night. I'll go talk to our...friend and see what he knows."

"But..."

"No arguments this time," Giles said sternly. "For once, Buffy, do as your Watcher tells you?" Buffy's lips quirked upwards as she hugged him tightly.

"Thanks, Giles," she whispered.

"You're very welcome," he said. "Now, you know where everything is. I'll be back," Buffy nodded as her Watcher left the room. As soon as the door closed, however, said Watcher almost vanished. Sure, his body was still there. But the face? The dark, malevolent look, the storm behind his eyes? This was someone Buffy hadn't met yet.

This was Ripper.

And he was pissed.

"Oh hey how is... URK!" Wade gurgled as Ripper lifted him by the throat.

"Now listen here, you pillock," he growled. "You're going to tell me everything you know, and I mean everything, or what Buffy did earlier will pale in comparison to the hell I will ensure you live in for the rest of your miserable existence, is that perfectly clear?"

"Crystal..." Wade managed to push out.

"Good," Ripper said, dropping him unceremoniously to the ground. "Now, talk."