DisDisclaimer: I don't own One Piece or Nintendo. Also, Comcast is literally the worst company on the face of the planet.

See? A disclaimer with an extra dis!

Booooo.

Aw cmon...

Chapter 6

"-y that Mr. Zol... eh?" Kuro paused, looking side to side, then up at the judge's bench. "Captain? Did you use your Noro-Noro powers on me, by chance?"

Foxy scratched his chin. "Hmmm? No, of course not, prosecutor Kuro. Why?"

"It's just..." Kuro shuddered. "I was overcome by this sudden sense of lost time. As if I'd been interrupted mid-sentence and only now have been able to complete my thought."

"You don't have a lot of stories written about you, do you Kuro?" Nami shook her head.

"?" The skilled reader will realize that the quotation marks around the question marks means that Kuro verbalized the punctuation marks... somehow. Marks.

Zoro laughed. "I suppose it makes sense. I doubt he's that popular a character, after all."

"?"

Sanji tapped his absolutely ridiculous fish-shaped spoon on Gin's head. "I almost envy him. The things I've had to do with those flowing locks of green hair like wisps of freshly-cut grass...ack! NO! NOT HERE!"

Fiiiiine.

"?" Kuro blinked. Twice. The Straw Hats... were actually insane, weren't they? That explained a lot. "Well... yes... all that aside..." He cleared his throat, then slashed at the air, leaving temporary divots behind. "Kibagaeru! The stand! Take it!"

"But aren't we going to be using it?" The mustachioed man said.

"I MEAN STAND AT IT YOU NIMROD!"

"Oh! Well why didn't you say so?"

"Do not make me go Out of the Bag on you."

"Fine! Fine, geez, don't fly off the handle, I've toadally got you covered!"

HOLD YOUR TONGUE!

Kuro disappeared, and in an instant his bench was shredded to sawdust, and his claws pressed against Kibagaeru's mustache. "Make another frog pun and I'll leave you with a half-stache. Are we clear?"

Kibagaeru went stiff as a board. "Not... NO! Not my stache, anything but that, I..." He bowed, trembling. "I'm sorry sir! I was only playing around, I'll be good!"

Kuro walked back to his place and snapped his fingers, Big Pan slamming another prosecutor's bench in front of him. "Good. Now then. Your testimony, if you will."

"So many benches! Where do you think they're getting all that wood from, Zoro?" Nami whispered. "I didn't see all that many trees when we got here..."

"Perhaps one of Foxy's pirates ate a Lumber-Lumber fruit?" Zoro grinned.

Nami slumped over. "Zoro, please. Inventing a devil fruit name doesn't constitute a joke. You did this yesterday too."

"It's a welcome departure from his ordinarily flavorless swill, though."

"Did I ask for your opinion, Sanji?"

"I'm of the firm belief that idiocy invites comment from all directions, so yes."

"I oughta..."

Kibagaeru, oblivious to the defense's bickering, began his testimony.

- Finding Krieg-O -

"After we'd won the Groggy Ring competition, Captain Foxy and Itomimizu went up to the tower to meet Krieg and negotiate a crew transfer!"

"When they got there, they found Krieg dead with his head bashed in, and the defendant, Gin, covered in his blood and slumped over!"

"We quickly arrested Gin and did blood tests on his clothes and his weapon, and both tied back to Don Krieg!

"Additionally, the horseshoe marks left by the mace match the marks imprinted into the poor captain's skull."

"Nothing really for it! This one's as cut and dry as they come!"

- End Testimony -

"Mr. Kibagaeru..." Zoro scratched his chin. "Not that I doubt your testimony, but do you have proof that the crime scene was like this on arrival? I've only heard it via hearsay so far, and that's not exactly admissible in court."

Sanji gagged on his cigarette and nearly dropped his absolutely ridiculous fish-shaped spoon. "What in the... you actually sounded like a lawyer there for a second, crap-swordsman!"

Zoro chuckled and tapped the badge he'd pinned to his shirt. "I did pass the bar, you know. I'm not faking anymore."

Kuro peeled at the wood of his bench with one claw. "Oh my. A consummate professional. Very well." He cleared his throat. "Kibagaeru. The crime scene photo. Submit it to evidence."

"Yes, prosecutor!"

Crime Scene Photograph: A terrace at the top of the watchtower. Krieg is in his gold wootz armor and has a single red pearl earring on. His body face down is on a raised wooden platform with a pool of blood coming from his head. Gin is across from Krieg, unconscious and laying on the cracked but clean stonework, covered in blood.

"Mr. Zolo!" Foxy's grin on saying the name was far too big. "You may cross-eye the witness now!"

"That's not..." Zoro sighed. "Your honor, that's..."

"AHEM?"

"Your... sexiness... that's not what it's called."

"Oh! Well um... crossfire him, then?"

"No."

"Crosswalk?"

"No."

"Crisscross applesauce him in the face?"

"NOT. EVEN. CLOSE."

"It's 'cross-dress', right Zoro?" Nami teased, sticking out her tongue.

Zoro growled. "It's cross-examine. Ok? Repeat after me, everyone. CROSS. EXAMINE."

"CROSS-EXAMINE." The crowd of pirates was surprisingly willing to play along.

"Good. Gold star, class, gold star." Zoro grinned. "Now then... let's begin." He cracked his knuckles in front of him, then turned his eyes onto Kibagaeru.

- Cross Examination -

"Mr. Kibagaeru... just for clarification, when was this Groggy Ring Competition?"

"That was four days ago, now." Kibagaeru nodded. "The Donut Race that day was held at around 11 AM, and the Groggy Ring competition was held at around 3 PM!"

"Why such a long gap in time?"

"Oh, you know. Negotiation transfers, crew initiations... plus you need to wait at least an hour after eating before pummeling people half to death, so there was that."

"Since the hell when?" Zoro muttered. "Next you'll tell me I should wait an hour after drinking before sword practice."

"Wait... you handle your swords drunk?" Nami gulped.

"All the damn time. Why?"

"N... no reason, really. Good to know though."

Zoro stared at Nami for a moment, then shrugged, returning to his examination. "You said that they went up to 'meet' Krieg, right? Maybe that's just how you phrased things, but I found it odd. Care to explain?"

"Oh! Well I just said it as a matter of course, but now that you mention it, it was Captain Foxy's first time meeting him."

"Enh?" Nami rested her chin on a finger. "But don't the captains have to both fire their guns in the air to officially declare a Davy Back Fight?"

"The Captain was weary from excessive life enjoyment that day, so it was actually Itomimizu and Porsche who did that honor." Kibagaeru pulled at his mustache. "I was rather hoping I'd be elected for the honor as a former captain myself, but it made sense at the time. I was a bit tuckered out from life enjoyment myself that day, aha!"

"Life Enjoyment..." Zoro shook his head. "Is that just your way of saying you couldn't handle your booze?"

Kibagaeru flinched. "N... now see here! As a former pirate captain, I can drink any man, woman, or beast under a table! I won't have you... impugning my honor like that!"

Foxy banged his gavel. "That's right! No impruning! Five points from Gryffindor!"

But the house cup! Dammit!

Zoro cracked his neck. "So... uh... these marks on Krieg's head you were talking about. They definitely match my client's mace?"

Kibagaeru nodded. "You bet! We even tested by putting the mace into one of the dents on the poor guy's noggin. Perfect match! Every mark on that guy's skull came from that mace, for sure."

OBJECTION!

Zoro's arm was outstretched, Suishui grasped firmly in his hand and pointed directly at Kibagaeru. It felt damn good to bring his swords into the courtroom with him. "Kibagaeru, there's a huge..."

HOLD YOUR TONGUE!

Kuro sighed, shaking his head. "Don't, Mr. Zolo. Just don't."

Zoro's grip tightened around the handle, and he swung the blade towards Kuro. "What do you mean 'don't'? I'm doing my job here!"

"I know exactly what you're going to object to and it's pointless, Mr. Zolo. You're just going to waste everyone's time chasing a contradiction that can easily be explained away by even a halfwit, so just. Don't."

Zoro snorted. "You can't possible know what I'm thinking, Kuro." He swung his sword, and the corner of his desk went flying out into the crowd. "PEOPLE CAN ONLY READ MY THOUGHTS WHEN THEY'RE ITALICIZED! That way the readers are in on the joke!"

"What are you on, Mr. Zolo?" Kuro really didn't have many fan-fics written about him. "You know, it doesn't matter, but the fact is I don't need to read your mind to know what you're going to do!"

"You know what? Fine. I'll play along, Kuro." Zoro grit his teeth. "Prove it. What was my objection going to be, huh?"

"Ah... shall I?" Kuro pushed his glasses up, and they glinted in the light. "I suppose I may as well have a bit of fun if we're going to waste time like this... I think I even have a plan." He pulled his book from beneath his tuxedo again, flipping through it. "Yes... let's see here, hair slicked back... audio dial set to be playing... oh, this is a minor point so let's just have a light 'Objection' theme and... Kibagaeru? Will you repeat yourself so I can object properly?"

"Erm..." Kibagaeru sweated. "Every mark on that guy's skull came from that mace, for sure?"

HOLD YOUR TONGUE!

"You incompetent oaf!" Screamed Kuro, brandishing his claws. "Do you really expect us to believe that based on the evidence?"

"Agh!" Kibagaeru hid his mustache. "But... but prosecutor I thought... you said..."

"What you thought and what is true are clearly different!" Kuro tossed the Autopsy report onto his desk. "As you can see here, the autopsy report clearly states that Krieg's head was covered in both horseshoe shaped and circular marks!" He pointed his claws directly at Zoro. "The mace has no circular reliefs, Mr. Zolo! Therefore, it is entirely possible that something else was used to strike the victim!"

OBJECTION!

Nami blinked. "Zoro, what are you..."

"Not so, Kuro! A horseshoe is essentially just a semi-circle! If you pressed them together end to end, they'd look just like a normal circle!"

HOLD YOUR TONGUE!

"But the horseshoe markings on the defendant's mace have widened edges at the ends of the horseshoe, while the circular marks found on Krieg's skull are perfect circles!"

"THIS CONTRADICTION IS STILL VALID!"

OBJECTION

"Zoro, seriously, stop..."

"I'll give you that," Zoro said, clamping his sword between his teeth and glaring at Kuro. "But notice the patterns in the stonework, Kuro! Look familiar?"

"Hm? Ah!" Kuro feigned a look of shock. "My, the tower is simply covered in circular reliefs, isn't it?"

"That's right!" Zoro slammed his fist on his desk. "I was staring at that stonework all of yesterday trying to ignore my partner, and those very same circular marks are crawling all over this island! That means that the marks on Krieg's skull..." He pointed his sword back towards Kuro for dramatic effect. "Could very easily have been made by the stone as his head was being bashed in!"

Courtroom crowd go crazy!

Foxy banged his gavel. "Order! Order Order Order!" He gulped and pulled at his robes, looking at Kuro. "Prosecutor you... you have something to counter that, right?"

Kuro grinned maliciously. "Not at all, captain. As a matter of fact, the prosecution is incredibly willing to concede that the circular marks on Krieg's skull cast no doubts about the defendant's mace being used as the murder weapon." He bowed. "Well proven, Mr. Zolo."

Zoro blinked, the repercussions finally sinking in. "Wait..."

"Gods you're thick," Sanji muttered.

"Wait... what?"

"Zoro... what are you doing?" whispered Chopper.

"Wait... what? What?"

"How are you undefeated in court?" Nami asked, smacking herself in the forehead. "How are you undefeated in court?"

"Wait... what? What? I... damn..." Zoro slumped over, sweating profusely. "That uh... ahem well... you see..."

"Are there any doubts about my ability to get in your head and do as I wish, Mr. Zolo?" Kuro grinned.

Dammit... I fell for that way too easily... I practically made his argument for him!

Kuro snickered and ran his claws along the top of his bench, peeling more wood. "Well then... if that's all done with, I think we can move on to the next witness... unless you had some further proof to seal your client's fate, Mr. Zolo?"

Grrr... I can't let him rattle me! If what I just came up with is true... that's fine, right? If my client is innocent, then the truth will help eventually.

That's how this works! I don't have a spotless record for nothing! Wait... Zoro blinked. Spotless?

Foxy nodded. "I think you're absolutely right, Prosecutor! Let's give our friend Kibagaeru a big round of applause for his testimony, everyone!"

The pirates whistled, cheered and clapped. Audience participation was really at an all-time high.

"Thank you, thank you!" Kibagaeru bowed. "Now, I'll just hop on down from the stand and..."

OBJECTION!

"No." Zoro's teeth grit the handle of Wado tightly, his eyes blazing from beneath his bandanna. "We're not done yet. Because you see... if we assume that the circular marks on Krieg's skull came from the stonework..."

"It causes another contradiction to occur!"

"WHAT?" screamed Kibagearu, mustache straightnening out and then drooping.

HOLD YOUR TONGUE!

"Mr. Zolo, you'd better not just be trying to save face!" Kuro glared "This isn't a normal court of law. I will come over there and cut you."

"As if you could," Zoro growled. "And I'm not grasping either! Look at the crime scene photo!" He jabbed his finger at the stone floor. "Look! Notice anything strange about the state of the floor?"

"The lack of blood, right?" Kuro sighed. "Mr. Zolo, seriously, you can clearly see in the photograph that there's a pool of blood beneath Krieg's head! Whether or not there's enough there is up to medical opinion, not ours!"

"Aye, there's a pool of blood under Krieg's head, but look at where his body is!" Zoro pointed triumphantly. "It's on wooden platform!"

"A WOODEN PLATFORM WITH NO CIRCULAR RELIEFS ON IT!"

Swooning! Cheering! More flashing from beneath Gina's corset! You couldn't ask for a rowdier audience at a trial. Actually, you probably wouldn't, now that I think about it.

BANG BANG BANG! "Order! OOOOORDEEEER!" Foxy yelled. "Prosecutor! Now it's time to do the thing, right? The thing where you show how wrong he is?"

"Of course, captain," Kuro smirked. "The prosecution would like to present additional evidence to account for this discrepency." He whistled, and Big Pan lifted a desk into the air, shaking it until a blood-drenched flag fell neatly into Kuro's hand. "This flag was found downhill from the watchtower, on the outer slope of the island." He unfurled it, revealing it to be one of Krieg's flags, hourglasses on the sides of the skull coated with blood. "The blood was found to match Don Krieg's." He nodded. "The prosecution asserts that Mr. Gin, after killing Mr. Krieg, wiped up the bloodsplatter with one of the flags hanging on the watchtower and simply tossed off the side, hoping it would be lost!"

Foxy nodded. "An exceptional reason to accept this flag into evidence!"

Krieg's Flag: Used to wipe up a large amount of Krieg's blood. A red pearl earring is wrapped up inside it.

"So that's where the missing one was..." Nami tilted her head. "I didn't think Krieg looked like the type to do that one-earring style."

"I don't recall him having earrings to begin with..." muttered Sanji.

"Can I uh... can I leave now?" Kibagaeru asked.

"One last thing..." Zoro sheathed Wado, though kept Suishui in his hand. "Have there been any tests run to make sure that the blood mopped up by this flag is from the watchtower floor?"

"Enh?" Kibagaeru scratched his head. "What sort of test?"

"Um..." Zoro scratched his temple. "It's like... isn't there this thing you can do where you spray an area with something, then if it sticks there was blood there? Is that..." He poked Chopper with his foot. "Yo. You. What am I talking about?"

"Um..." Chopper gnawed at one of his hooves. "Oh! Luminol testing?"

"Luminol testing!" Zoro declared loudly. "I demand that the watchtower be sprayed with luminol o see if the blood really came from there!"

Kuro laughed. "Oh! Well of course, that's no trouble at all... I'm assuming your crew brought Luminol with you?"

"Um... well..."

"No? You there, Mr. Gin, does the Krieg Armanda perhaps have a spare bottle of Luminol we could use to try and help prove your innocence."

"I don't know what the heck you're talking about...' Gin muttered, coughing weakly.

"Oh my!" Kuro clapped his hand to his face in mock surprise. "And captain, we don't have an Luminol on board, do we?"

"Nope! I would've known if we'd gone to the moon for some Lunar-ol!" Foxy beamed.

"Hmm? Now that is tragic, isn't it?" Kuro pushed his glasses up with his wrist. "It's almost as if Luminol isn't a typical tool of the pirate's trade, now isn't it? I for one thing that's a trememdous oversight, truly, we should rectify it as soon as possible."

Zoro growled. "Alright, alright. You've proved your point, Kuro. I've got no further questions then."

Kuro grinned. "Very well then. I've only got one other witness then..." He pointed his claws at Zoro. "A witness that will prove that both Don Krieg and Gin were at the watchtower at the time of the murder!"

"Ah.. wait.. HEY!" Zoro slammed his desk. "I haven't gotten around to demanding you prove that yet!"

"Too bad. Doing it anyways." Kuro cackled. "And once I do, your client has a date with Davy Jones!"

"Not happening," Zoro asserted, swinging Suishui, the blade whistling through the air. "I'm afraid Davy Jones is getting stood up!"

"He does seem the type that wouldn't even try to me dinner, eh?" Gin joked, then bent over to begin laughing. "HAHAHAHAGGAHAGGAHAG-GA... HRK!" He coughed up blood, then wiped it away.

And in came the absolutely ridiculous fish-shaped spoon. "Heeeere comes the traaaain! The train going allll the way into Water 7!"

Author's Note

Oh man, we're getting into the real swing of things now! I've written basically this entire chapter while listening to the Objection theme from Dual Destinies, so MAYBE I'm biased, but I think it feels VERY ACE-ATTORNEY... EY. That's a word.