So, I've been writing a lot of smut recently, and am aware that it is generally in the order of mind-blowing unbelievable sex that most of us can only dream of. SO - I thought I'd have a go at writing a 'realistic' sex scene. It's turned out to be a 'really dreadful' sex scene. This is what I came up with! It's just some stupid and hopefully funny dialogue between two people who are clearly not right for each other - ie Ron and Hermione!! Beware, Ron is unbelievably thick in this (mentally, I mean, definitely) and Hermione somehow turned into a complete bitch, but if you had to put up with him, wouldn't you be the same. Sorry if you are a Ron fan and you found this story, but he is fodder here. I normally treat him with a modicum of respect, as those of you familiar with my work know.

As you read it, think of his voice as being desperate for it, and her being completely disinterested and infuriated. It starts with her doing a puzzle on a sofa, him sitting beside her.

ALSO!! I'VE STARTED ANOTHER POLL TO SEE WHO YOU THINK IS THE MOST SHAGGABLE HP CHARACTER, ALTHOUGH AFTER READING THIS, IT MAY PUT YOU OFF THINKING ABOUT THAT! THE ONLY CONDITION TO THE PEOPLE I PUT DOWN WAS THAT THEY HAD TO BE MALE AND HAVE QUITE A FEW LINES IN THE BOOKS!! YOU CAN VOTE SERIOUSLY, BUT IT MAY MAKE YOU LAUGH A BIT TOO! IT'S ON MY PROFILE. PLEASE VOTE!

"Mione, bloody hell, woman."

"Hmm?"

"Mione?"

"What!?"

"You look fucking gorgeous tonight, babe."

"I told you not to call me that."

"Yeah, but ... look at me ... you get me going so much, babe."

"I said – don't call me that!! Now shut up, I'm trying to do this Sudoku. It's fucking difficult."

"I love it when you swear."

"I mean ... I am finding it exceptionally taxing and it is stretching even my considerable intellectual skills."

"Wha'?"

"Never mind."

"Mione ..."

"Stop doing that."

"They feel so good."

"Yeah, well, you don't have to squeeze them like I'm a bloody Holstein Fresian!"

"I'm rock hard. Fuck, Mione."

"No thanks."

"I meant ..."

"So did I."

"You're looking so good."

"Take your hand away from there please, I can't see the numbers."

"Please, Mione! Look at me. I'm going to explode."

"Urgh, Ron! Can't you express yourself a little less graphically? Oh, put it away will you!"

"I can't, babe ... I've gotta be inside you. Lie down here."

"On the floor!?"

"Yeah – why not – it's good to be spontaneous."

"Yeah- it's good to be in the mood too."

"OK – here we go!"

"Oh bloody hell! Can't I just finish this box?!"

"I don't think I'll last that long."

"No, I don't suppose you will. Oh god, come on then, get it over with."

"Help me with your jeans, will you ... I've got to hurry."

"Ow! Wait – that's the zip – it's caught – ow! Bloody hell, Ron!"

"Ready for me, babe?"

"If I have to be."

"It's a bit dark down here, I don't know what I'm doing."

"No change there then."

"Hang on."

"God, Ron! Not there! Wrong bloody hole!"

"Sorry. But maybe one day, it'll be the right ..."

"No bloody way!"

"Sorry."

"Get on with it, will you?"

"Hang on. I still can't see – am I in the right place now?"

"As right as you'll ever be."

"And we're in! Fuck, 'Mione! You're so damn tight. Can you feel me – so hard for you, babe?"

"Not really."

"Shit, that feels so good. Do you want me to talk dirty babe, does it turn you on?"

"Nope."

"I'm gonna fuck you so hard, you little slut, your tight little pussy is gonna milk my huge throbbing cock dry, isn't it? You want it so bad, don't you, slut, you want my huge prick tearing you apart, driving you to scream my name louder and louder? You can't wait for me to explode into you, my hot spurting cum searing into you. Hey, you little slut? Feel how huge I am in you. You want it so bad, don't you?"

"Have you finished yet? Because there's a documentary on at nine that I want to watch."

"Fuck, Mione, I'm gonna come, I'm gonna come ... you're so incredible ... oh fuck!"

"Move, Ron, I'm getting cramp in my leg. The floor's bloody hard."

"God, babe, incredible, incredible ... you're amazing. How was it for you?"

"Load the dishwasher, will you?"

Not sure what the hell was going on in my head when I wrote that, but there you are!!

You can let me know your thoughts if you feel like it. I'm not proud!

Don't forget my poll - more giggles there!