The Wonderful World of Saiyuki
Part 4 of ...3
[It's been.. wow, more than a year since I last updated this. At that time, I'd just watched Requiem and I still hadn't watched the Second Season (or had I?). Now, I've almost forgotten the events in the Second Season and I had to re-watch Requiem to reacquaint myself. Time truly flies.]
[At any rate, the mode of writing has changed. Goku is less a commentor and more an observer now, and at some points, he decides to take an active role in the search for the Truth behind Saiyuki... unfortunately, I can't explain any of these phenomena, and neither can Goku. But postulation is always possible.]
[Warning : Not remotely serious. Don't trust any 'explanation' that I put forth.]
[Hajimemashoo -- let's begin.]
Imagine this -- Son Goku, the Great Sage under Heaven (Limited Edition), tearing out youkai's throats left, right and center, moving like the wind.
Imagine this -- Son Goku, the Great Sage under Heaven (Limited Edition), having incurred the wrath of Genjo Sanzo, now forced to evade his wrath...
Imagine time slowing to a crawl, the air taking on the texture of glue. And me, pedalling in comical slow motion, arms flailing, as the Paper Fan of Doom descendeth...
*TWHACK*
"OW!"
[Goku goes flying, then flips back onto his feet.]
"What was that for?!"
"If you hit him any more, monk, we might have to report you to the Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Monkeys," Gojyo says, laughing. All very well and good for him -- he's not the one subject to abuse by the Paper Fan of Doom...
Sanzo refuses to reply. He stows the fan away in spandex space and resumes eating -- no, *drinking*.
Now there's a mystery. I can evade anything, even a fanon Homura in heat [1], but I can't evade the Paper Fan. Naturally, Sanzo absolutely refuses to divulge the secret behind the Fan, so I'll probably have to steal it if I want to figure its secret out.
[1] Most of the time, that is. When I'm not being the fanon weepyuke!Goku...
"Goku, you're rather quiet," Hakkai notes.
"I'm scheming."
"Oh, *really*," Gojyo says. "You can't even put two thoughts together on a good day--"
"--oh yes I can."
"Prove it."
"The concept of a farm animal, and the concept of a food product. Pork plus bun becomes porkbun. So there." I stick out my tongue for good measure.
"That doesn't count! Stupid ape!"
"Don't start," Sanzo says threateningly. It sounds like the rumble of thunder on a distant hillside. No, make that a not-so-distant hillside. No, make that a very-near-hillside and a rapidly-approaching-thunderstorm. Unfortunately, Seiten Taisei Son Goku isn't known for his survival instincts...
"I'm not a stupid ape! And I just proved it! I bet you can't do any better!"
"Oh yeah? Well, crazy -- an adjective, and monk -- a noun... putting them together, you get--"
Sanzo riseth from Mount Olympus in wrath and smitheth the heathen. I take mental notes as to where he stows the Fan. Perfect. Now all I need to do is to procure a sleeping potion. The question is... where?
The waitress arrives to clear the dishes. I glance at her, and a light bulb goes off in the back of my head.
"Hey, Goku, your head's glowing funny..."
"Shit, the damn ape is going to break his limiter again! Hakkai, jump on him!"
"Huh? What are-- hey!!!"
[Sounds of three people leaping on to one. Sounds of yaoi fangurls screaming in happiness and taking incriminating photos. The scene cuts to black as the censorship board flips out.]
***
I maintain -- I *strongly* maintain -- that events in the previous scene were completely innocent and suited to a PG-13 fic. I urge you to ignore the fact that the fanfic author is smirking and that it has suddenly become morning. We had a momentary time shift, that's all.
I said, *that's ALL*!
***
Breakfast rolls round in its usual manner, and several hawkers abruptly become very rich, very happy, and proceed to take a three month holiday as they've totally run out of food to sell. There's got to be some impact on the economy from our gratuitous spending... something about disturbing the balance and inflation... but who cares about that, anyway? All I know is that a *lot* of people are very happy to see the Sanzo-ikkou, and I don't think it's entirely because we're on this saving-the-world mission.
But down to business.
I need to contact Yaone and find out what she used to knock us out the last time. Unfortunately, Yaone's a long, long way away, and for some *obscure* reason that probably has everything to do with a sadistic mangaka, *we* can't teleport while every other youkai in Tenjiku can.
So, being terribly short of resources, I'm forced to rely on a Convenient Plot Twist, jumping down a Convenient Blackhole to emerge in Tenjiku. Thereupon, I use the Fanfic-Mode-of-Invisibility [2] to sneak past all the guards, and wander into Yaone's room.
[2] Strangely, this seems to happen all the time in Fanfic Land, and not just here...
"Yaone?" I ask, popping out of nowhere.
And Yaone screams, because that's the natural reaction to have when a strange male pops into your room unannounced...
I slam the door behind me and lock it. Belatedly, it occurs to me that that move does not typically inspire confidence.
"Hey, it's me! Porkbun eating Goku who's only interested in girls who can cook! Remember?" my frantic words cut through her screams, while I furiously negotiate with the fanfic author for another convenient Plot Device [3].
[3] This Device magically makes the walls impermeable to sound, thus allowing inconvenient things such as screams to escape notice.
"What are you doing here?" Yaone demands, politeness temporarily forsaken in favor of shock.
"I need a favor. Actually, I need two favors."
Yaone peers curiously at me. Her right hand sneaks towards the spear leaning against the wall.
"I need a sleeping potion," I gulp out, before further misunderstanding can be construed.
"Oh." Yaone relaxes a little, but she hasn't let go of the bomb she's clutching behind her back. "Whatever for?"
"Just a little bit to knock Sanzo out so that I can.. er.."
"..Have your way with him? I have aphrodisiacs for that."
"No!" I backpedal furiously.
"Oh? Fanon Homura's a regular customer. It helps him to keep up his stamina when chasing after Sanzo or you."
"I need to ascertain something. He'd never let me near enough to find out if he wasn't passed out."
There is a long, uncomfortable silence. I run my last sentence through my head again. "I didn't mean it that way."
"If you were wondering about his waist measurements, it *is* 56 centimeters," Yaone said, pulling out a copy of the 'Jamming' booklet that was released with the special edition of Saiyuki RELOAD #1. "Says here in the interview with Minekura sensei..."
"I was wondering about his Fan, actually."
"Oh." Yaone looks a little crestfallen. It might be a trick of the light, but I thought I saw a few volumes of Boy Love manga lining her shelves just there...
"I can't help you there," Yaone replies, frowning. "In fact..." she pulls a large encyclopedia off the shelf. Several volumes of Bronze fall onto the floor and disappear into the gray haze. "...it isn't recorded in canon. We did a little bit of research on the weapons that you guys carry, and we found almost nothing on Sanzo's fan."
"Hang and blast it," I mutter.
"So what's the other thing?"
"Oh... this was just a question from one of the reviewers. You know... the straps that keep up your outfit... er... what are they made of?"
"I beg your pardon?"
"Well... someone pointed out that they need to be pretty strong..." I can feel a blush coming on. Dang it. "...Practically metal."
Yaone's expression has gone a little stony. "They *are* metal. Chain link, in fact."
"Oh. Thank you. But it really is a very nice outfit, you know."
The stony expression lifts somewhat. "You think so?"
"Yup. No one ever seems to notice that you have the same kind of sleeves that Sanzo does..."
"...because I don't have a skin-tight black shirt to match," Yaone says sourly.
"Exactly. And now I'm just going to pop back into my little black hole before the rest notice I'm gone..."
"Oh, right. Take care."
"You too!"
[There is a whooshing sound -- think a toilet bowl flushing -- and Goku disappears from Tenjiku. He pops back out in an obscure inn along the way, and meets one fanfic author hurrying down the corridor.]
"What's up?" I ask.
The fanfic author shoots me a look. "Just resetting the clock."
"Resetting the clock? But this is a TWT -- 'Timeline, What Timeline?' fic."
"Even TWT fics need to have the clock reset every now and then. Now go to bed."
"Kechi..." I toss out one of those random japanese words that don't really belong in an English fic, and wander off. And pause. "Wait a minute... did I just meet a self-insert who told me to go to bed?"
***
The next day, we all find out what the fanfic author meant by 'resetting the clock'.
Homura pops up during breakfast.
"You're supposed to be dead!" I scream.
"Oh, really? But this is a fanfic -- worse, a TWT fanfic."
"Are you canon!Homura or fanon!Homura?" Sanzo asks suspiciously.
"Which one would you rather I be, *Konzen*?" Homura asks, sidling up to him. Sanzo's hair parting begins switching side from frame to frame in agitation. Finally, he opts to take slightly less dignified but infinitely wiser course of action -- he pushes back the chair and bolts.
"Ah." Homura smiles in satistfaction. His green and gold eyes begin to switch color as well. He sets off in hot pursuit.
"Uh oh. I think I'd better go and make sure Sanzo's okay..." I start to push back the chair, when the fanfic author pops out of nowhere.
"Wait a minute, Goku. There's something you need to see," the fanfic author whispers, and disappears again.
"What?" I ask, looking around. At that moment, Shien and Zenon appear.
"Ah... just the person I was looking for," Hakkai says, greeting Shien. "I was wondering about my membership in the Characters-with-Eyes-Continually-Shut-Club. Do I still qualify...?" he taps at his monocle, causing his right eye to disappear.
"I am not certain," Shien says. "You might have to ask our chairman."
"Who's the chairman now? I'm afraid I've been out of touch since the last election..."
"Koumyou Sanzo," Shien replies.
"Oh, but isn't he dead?" Hakkai asks.
"Since when did that stop anyone?" Zenon replies. "But anyway, you'd probably do better in the One-Eyed-Character-Club. We got a couple more members from the latest issue of Saiyuki Gaiden, but it's hush-hush for now because of spoilers and all that. But we're really growing, man."
"Ah..." Hakkai taps his monocle again, causing his eye to reappear. Damn, but is that an *utterly* cool pair of-- er, I mean, *mono* shade, or what?
"I'm not certain if I qualify for that either," Hakkai shrugs. "It has not exactly been established whether I actually have this eye or not... or how it was restored, if I do."
"Damn. We could give you a provisional membership, though," Zenon says. "It's not as if I'm *really* one-eyed, after all. Just visibly impaired, ha."
"Wait a minute, my friend," Shien says quietly. "I believe that the issue of his membership with the Characters-with-Eyes-Continually-Shut Club must first be--"
"--if you guys are going to drag your feet on it, we're allowed to kick in," Zenon retorts.
"Well... let's take a look at the benefits that both of you offer, shall we?" Hakkai asks, smiling.
"Okay, that's it, I'm outta here," I announce loudly, and head for the door.
***
I find Homura cornering Sanzo at the edge of a tall cliff. The fanfic author pops up behind me again. "Do you like it? It serves no purpose other than dramatic effect ... and of course, it's another Plot Device. But it took me one whole line to make it."
"Nice work," I begin to say, but the elusive author has vanished once more.
Sanzo, in the mean time, is communicating with the Powers-That-Be. "Oh fanfic author... *why do you hate me?!*"
"I don't," the fanfic author says. "But I needed to show something."
"What?" Sanzo demands, but his word is lost as a strong wind promptly springs up.
Homura draws himself up. His cape billows madly in the wind, as does Sanzo's robe. "Konzen!" the god calls, shouting to be heard over the sound of the fanfic author's Prince of Tennis MP3s, "Hand over the sutras!"
"Why should I?" Sanzo demands.
"Because I want to find out how they manage to stay on your shoulders even when the wind is blowing!"
"The Hell?" Sanzo shouts back. "Just look at your own cape, you moron!"
"Yeah, it's a long story!" Homura yells. "I thought I was the only one who knew the sacred art of Making-Sure-That-Impractical-Clothing-Stays-In-Place, then I found that all you miserable Sanzos have perfected it too! So I've been collecting all the sutras to find out how you do it down on earth with your primative technology!"
"It's called velcro!" Sanzo hollers. "The first Sanzo climbed up some mountain or other and stole it from the gods! Since then we've been charged with protecting the five miserable strips that he pilfered ... until such a time that it can be replicated!"
"Oh, damn! And here I thought you'd actually come up with something original that worked!"
"Fat chance!"
"Then I'll be going. Bye!" Homura shimmers and disappears.
Sanzo heaves a deep sigh of relief. Then, just for kickers, the fanfic author calls upon a blast of wind that sends him tumbling off the cliff. (Notice that, as he falls, the sutras stay firmly in place on his shoulders...)
[Goku rushes to the edge.]
"SANZOOOOOOO!!!!!!!"
***
End Part 4
***
And this is what we call a 'cliff-hanger' ^_^.
Sanzo : The Hell it is! It's called a 'cliff-fall-off-er'!
At any rate, I never expected to update this fic again. Ever. Unfortunately, I had all these people call 'Reviewers' popping up and leaving me suggestions, so I thought : Oh, you know, I might as well steal ideas from all of them and put up a new chapter. So I did.
Thanks are in order to :
Ghostwriter : For the whole speed issue behind the Paper Fan of Doom.
Desamir : For the question that Goku posed to Yaone. The strips are chain link. Really. I checked the manga.
Jashuang : For the Homura eye-switching
Ray_N and Laura : For whole Sanzo's-sutras-always-staying-on-his-shoulders thing. The velcro idea, incidently, is entirely my own. Don't believe a word of it.
? : For pointing out that Shien's eyes are closed too..
--
And a few replies :
Yaone-chan : I assure that I *love* Saiyuki. It's been one and a half years and I'm still happily obsessed. But sometimes, it's good to laugh at things...
Everyone else : Great, great, thanks for the reviews. Keep them coming; I have exactly one point lined up for Chapter 5, and I need about 3 more to make a good chappie.
--
And the serious stuff, because some of the questions posed actually *are* answered in the manga/anime.
Laura : About Kougaiji and Lirin's age, the explanation we can gather thus far from the manga is that they were sealed away for 500 years. We can only guess that, like Goku, they did not age while imprisoned, although Lirin's... eh... dimensions... are a source of constant debate ^_~.
Also, when Sanzo fires his gun in an inn, the other customers *do* notice. At least they did in the short scene following the 'Sand Storm' arc in the manga; I can't remember where they put that in the anime.
Jashuang -- ah... the relationship between Sanzo and Homura... So far, we can't draw any *official* conclusion, but I'm sure that fans have come up with all kinds of explanations ^_~.
Desamir -- Sanzo wears jeans (or pants). What he wears *under* the jeans... well, when asked whether Sanzo wore fundoshi or western underwear, Minekura sensei said, "What if he doesn't wear either?" As for the setting... well, the original legend was based in the 7th century, and I think Minekura's holding to that. No one can ever explain the jeeps and the credit cards and the electricity, so I won't even try... ^_^.
--
Alright, that's it... whee~
(Reading the Jamming booklet, I had the sudden feeling that fanfic writing is practically a job... oh gee.)