A/N: As a theology student in graduate school, I think I have wrestled more than the average person on existential and religious questions. Sometimes the issues can be so esoteric, I would hesitate to bring them up as polite conversation at a cocktail party. However, after working in a hospital as a chaplain, talking to patients and families of the sick and dying, I realized that all kinds of people wrestle with issues like, "Why am I here?" "What is my purpose on this planet?" "Is there a God" "If there is a God, why is life so crappy?" I don't really have the answers to these questions per se, but I am hoping that through this Twilight fanfic, and Bella and Edward's amazing relationship and personal histories, to wrestle honestly with these issues.

Having said that, while I have my own particular faith and beliefs, it is NOT my intention in this fanfic to evangelize, proselytize, preach, or convert anyone to Christianity or any other religion. What I do hope to do is to explore how Bella and Edward come to find peace and resolution with the questions of theodicy. Feel free in your reviews or messages to me to offer your own thoughts on what has helped you deal with grief and suffering.

Ok if you made it through that long A/N, I know you're on board with the story! Hope you enjoy it!

-Kristonio

Theodicy

It's only been in recent years, after reading the works of famous philosophers and theologians, that I have discovered the term 'theodicy'. Turning the pages of their dust-covered tomes, flipping through ponderous paragraphs, I have picked up their own kind of jargon. Theodicy is a term they coined in the 18th century and it literally means "God's justice", signifying the centuries-long quest to understand why there is evil in the world.

On the day that I died, I didn't know anything about theodicy. All I knew, after the pain of watching my mother slaughtered right before my eyes, and the terror of suffering the transformation alone, was that God had some explaining to do.

God, who was supposedly benevolent and all-powerful, let me suffer that day that my heart stopped beating and the blood ceased to pump through my veins. God, who was supposedly merciful and gracious, let that monster with the terrifying red eyes destroy my mother, her life-force drained out of her in mere seconds.

I had never really considered the problem of the human soul before that day. What sixteen-year-old sits around contemplating existential questions like that anyway? But on that unforgettable day, I realized that it wasn't a philosophical or religious question; watching my mother die, the light dim from her eyes, and her body fall slack in the arms of her killer, I realized I did believe in the human soul, because I watched it fly right out of her body.

The day that I died began in an unremarkable way. It was June after my sophomore year in high school and Renee and I were in Flagstaff, having driven there the day before, in order to attend a large art and craft show. As flighty as a bird, Renee had heard several days before on the car radio about the event, and had arrived home announcing her intention to go and "poke around" the place and that I should go with her. Being my mother's best friend, as well as her daughter, meant that I at that point in my life, was used to her sudden whims. Only the month previous it had been salsa lessons at a local club. Two months before that she had signed us both up for evening Cantonese classes at a local language center. I was thankful that at least this planned adventure would only entail a short road-trip north and forty-eight hours bumming around booths of clay pots, woven baskets, and amateur oil-paintings.

As I predicted, the art and craft festival was fun, but nothing very memorable. Renee had a blast, however, and told me at least five different times of her intention of taking up pottery as a hobby once we got back home. Perhaps the only significant moment of the whole day, however, was Renee's reaction to a local Mexican-American woman selling hand-made crucifixes and rosaries. Apparently something caught her eye, because she stopped, stared for a good five minutes at everything on display, carefully handled several items, and impulsively plunked down a ten-dollar bill, buying one of the rosaries. I didn't say anything at the time, merely raised one eyebrow at her as she turned away from the booth with her purchase, but I brought it up once the day was over and we were back in the car on the way back to Phoenix.

"So…rosary beads Mom?" I asked casually.

Renee laughed. "Well, they were beautiful, and I just had a…feeling...you know?"

"No, I don't know," I replied. I didn't necessarily doubt the power of intuition, but my mother's actions often defied logic entirely. "You're not Catholic Mom, in fact a year ago you were buying statues of the Buddha to put around the house and meditating in our backyard."

"That's true, but you know what they say, "It's not which boat you're in, but that we all get to the same place eventually," Renee answered back in a sing-song voice.

"I'm pretty sure a lot of clergy-people from various religions would disagree with you on that, but that's beside the point. What kind of feeling did you have?"

Renee looked a little uncomfortable. "Oh well, I guess I just felt that you can never be too careful you know?"

"So you want to use it like an amulet? I don't think that's how Catholics use the rosary," I laughed.

Renee frowned. "Don't laugh Isabella. I just had a feeling that you might need them, so I bought them for you. That's all."

I was stumped. For me? I never prayed. I certainly wasn't going to start saying Hail Marys and Our Fathers anytime soon.

Renee reached around into the backseat with one arm, keeping her left hand on the wheel, and after a brief search, grabbed the small plastic bag containing the beads and dropped it in my lap.

"Thanks Mom…" I trailed off, not knowing what else to say. Reaching in the bag, I took out the prayer beads and examined them closely. They were well-made, a hand-carved crucifix hanging from the end on a long chain of wooden beads. Not knowing what else to do with it, I simply hung it around my neck like a necklace.

Renee glanced over at me and smiled in simple, child-like happiness. "Check your backpack as well," she said, indicating the bag I packed with reading material for the trip. It also contained road maps (a hard lesson I learned earlier in life from a previous road-trip with Renee), a water bottle, a first-aid kit, and a few other supplies. Curious as to what she might mean, I gingerly picked up my bag and unzipped the biggest pocket. Lying right on top of the rest of my novels was a book I didn't immediately recognize.

"What's this?" I asked, picking it up and looking at the front cover. The Holy Bible. What! "Um Mom? Did you steal the Bible from our motel room and put it in my backpack?" I asked, thoroughly confused.

"Yes dear, I just had a feeling you might need it at some point," Renee replied back simply.

I was so dumbfounded that I merely stuffed the Bible back in my pack, knowing that I wouldn't be getting much else of an explanation out of my mom for her bizarre behavior.

After that awkward moment, the miles between Flagstaff and home in Phoenix flew by, the desert around us changing color as the sun began to set on the horizon, casting the landscape around us in hues of red and gold. A little over halfway there, Renee piped up, saying that we weren't going to make it all the way back without filling up the gas tank. We weren't near any towns, still being at least twenty miles north of New River, the closest bastion of civilization, so Renee took the next lonely exit off I-17, pulling into a poorly lit gas-station about a mile away from the highway. I felt nervous about this location, but Renee seemed oblivious, happily going about the business of filling up the tank after swiping her credit card. I opened the passenger-side door, climbing out to stretch my legs. Don't ask me why I did it, call it inherited intuition from my mother, but I impulsively grabbed my backpack, cinching up the straps so it securely rested against my back. It's not like I had anything in there that would protect me from the unforeseen, but I felt a false sense of security with something covering my back, as if it might shield me from view from something lurking out there in the shadows.

By that point, the sun was steadily sinking lower in the west, and I nudged Renee, hoping that she could speed up the process a bit so that we could climb back in the car and get on our way. There were no other cars in the parking lot, but a glance through the window of the store front revealed shadows moving back and forth before my eyes. At that moment, the pump dinged, signaling a full tank, and Renee grabbed her receipt.

As if they had timed their exit to match ours, the door to the store suddenly swung open, revealing a man and a woman. What happened next occurred so quickly I have trouble remembering what exactly happened first. All I can recall is that I caught a brief glimpse of the smirking face of the devil himself, a demon straight from hell looking at us as if we were the lunch special; his eyes were ruby-red.

Before I could blink, he had somehow flown across the distance and caught my mother around the waist, the other hand clamped down on her mouth to keep her from screaming. Renee's eyes were wide with fear and confusion, and she struggled futilely against his iron-clad hold.

The strange woman, the demon's companion, was plump and short, yet beautiful to look at. She was quickly by my side, catching my left arm in an inhumanly strong grip.

"Well well well, Cariña, what do we have here? You just had your dinner it seems with the store clerk and look what comes to find us? The second course!" The man leered at my mother's exposed neck, slowly licking his lips.

"Get on with it Daniel. You know I don't like it when you play with them. You are too sadistic for my tastes," replied the woman with a slight Spanish accent.

The man took no notice of his companion, addressing himself to my mother's jugular vein which was pumping at a furious rate. "Elena my mate doesn't think it very nice to prolong feeding. She thinks it's cruel. I however like to savor my meal. I am more of a connoisseur than she. Anticipation makes for half of the enjoyment after all…"

The woman he called Elena frowned at Daniel, but did not intervene again. Meanwhile, I stood petrified, my eyes glued hypnotically to the terrifying scene before me. Adrenaline was coursing through my bloodstream and my mind was starting to shut down. What logical reasoning parts of my brain that were still functioning managed to process that these two were not human, that my mother and I were in mortal peril, and that there was nothing I could do about it. We were alone in an abandoned part of the desert, it was nearly dark, and there was no way I could fight off or outrun these monsters.

As if in slow motion, I watched Daniel lean close to my mother's neck, his demonic red eyes alight with pleasure. His lips connected with Renee's flesh, almost in an intimate kiss, but I saw Daniel's throat swallow intermittently, and my mother's struggles slowly ceasing. Her eyes never left mine. Not a minute later, I saw the light in them go out. The body of my mother slumped in Daniel's arms and he turned to place her in the driver's side seat of the car.

"We'll have to destroy the evidence of course. Feel like staging a car wreck my Cariña?" Daniel asked light-heartedly.

The woman, Elena, shrugged in apathetic agreement.

At that moment I heard screaming as if from far away and my heart almost burst from my chest in the hope that someone else was in the area, someone who could help me, help Renee. It was only when the woman Elena shook me violently that I realized that I was listening to myself scream hysterically from the shock of what I had witnessed. She quickly clamped her other hand around my mouth to muffle my shouts of terror.

"Ahh, time for dessert I see," Daniel said, licking his lips salaciously. "She smells delightful I must say."

Something clicked inside of me and I began to struggle in the woman's arms. While her grip tightened, keeping me from moving very much, somehow in the struggle, the rosary beads swung around my neck, the fading sunlight glinting off the high-polish of the crucifix. Daniel continued to approach me slowly, but Elena gave a gasp and loosened her hold somewhat.

"Daniel! She's wearing el rosario!" Elena exclaimed.

Daniel was standing not two feet in front of me, but he stopped, a look of annoyance crossing his face.

"Not this again…Elena darling…you're not really going to suggest we let this one go just because of your misguided superstitions are you?"

"I don't care Daniel! I say it can do no good to kill this little one when she's marked by God."

Daniel scoffed. Before I could blink an eye, he had seized my left wrist and bit down on my arm, taking a long draught of my blood before holding it under the nose of the woman holding me from behind. I screamed in pain behind the hand holding my mouth closed.

I couldn't see Elena's face, but she began to tremble behind me.

"Can't you smell it Cariña? She's delicious! Don't you want a taste?"

With an obvious amount of struggle, the woman behind me wrenched the two of us back several steps away from Daniel.

"No! I won't let you change my mind Daniel. We are letting her go, and if she dies, then so be it, but if God wants to save her, then that is good too. I will not have St. Mary angry with me because I killed her little one wearing her rosario."

And with that, Elena gave me a shove, pushing me towards the desert behind the gas station. Turning my head in confusion, I saw her holding Daniel in her arms to keep him from following me.

"Go little one! Run!"

She didn't have to tell me twice.

In the hysteria of the moment, my body reacted on its own, my legs carrying me through sagebrush and around boulders as fast as humanly possible, all while my brain screamed at me to turn back, to go back to Renee. Tears streamed angrily from my eyes, I gasped for breath through my open mouth, and I clutched my wounded arm to my chest, the blood continuing to ooze down my arm. Only God knows how I managed to make it away from the scene of my mother's murder without once losing my footing, but sometime later, I spotted a large collection of rocks in the fading light. I literally collapsed once I reached an outcropping on the far side of the boulder, and I laid there in the dirt, sobbing inconsolably, mucus, spittle, and blood sticking to my face and the front of my clothes.

"Mom! Mom….O God, Mama!" I cried over and over again.

I slowly came to my senses when I realized my arm was on fire. I turned my head, expecting to see my flesh aflame, only to realize it was something inside me that was causing this incredible pain. Remarkably, the bite-wound on my arm was closing right before my eyes. I may have made it away from those monsters, but the terror was returning again full force as I realized that I had been infected somehow.

While I gazed dumbfounded at the rapidly healing wound, the horrific scene at the gas station played out in my mind again. Super-human strength. Glowing red eyes. Blood-suckers.

"Vampire," I whispered out loud.

The burning had spread up my arm to my chest, and with a final scream of pain, I lost consciousness.

It was twilight.

When I remember my transformation, I wonder how I didn't claw my own body to pieces, such was the pain radiating out through every individual cell. This must be what it feels like to burn to death, I thought. I was convinced that my flesh must be cooking, turning black and cracking from the intense heat of the flames.

The pain was so intense, I felt it threatening to wipe away who I was, burn away all my memories. I don't know how I found the strength, but I gathered all my thoughts and feelings together as one would grab their most treasured possessions from a burning building, and I retreated to the furthest corner of my mind to hide from the pain. I took all of who I was, and clung to it desperately, in hopes that the fire wouldn't destroy my very soul.

There was no concept of time during my transformation, but on some level I think I knew that there must be an end. I held on to this irrational hope, and it kept me sane when otherwise the pain would have driven me to madness. Finally, after an eternity, I felt the flames recede, and my heart burst from my chest.

Giving a great gasp of air, I opened my eyes and looked wildly around me. I immediately regretted that decision however, as I was bombarded by stimuli from every corner. A barrage of new smells, sounds, and colors burst into my brain in a painful array. I quickly shut my eyes and clasped my hands over my ears, waiting for the world to stop shifting and turning.

Slowly, ever so slowly, I cracked open one eye and stared at the ground in front of me. Never had dirt looked so interesting before. I could see every individual grain of organic matter and mineral. The light from the rising sun brought out colors that I had never dreamed existed. Slowly turning my gaze, I focused next on the overhanging rocks granting me shelter, then the bush four feet away, and finally the horizon.

I must have sat there in the dirt for at least an hour, taking in everything around me, because when I finally came to my senses, I could see the sun higher in the sky than before. I tentatively crawled on my hands and knees out towards the sunlight, leaving behind the shadows of the boulder. As I stretched out my hand into the sun, I was shaking for some reason, as if I somehow knew that I was about to witness the unreal. Sure enough, my hand shined, literally sparkled in the sunlight. I quickly jerked my hand back into the shadows.

I had no idea what was going on, so I collapsed into the dirt, sobbing once again, releasing my confusion and frustration at my situation. Suddenly the pieces of my life started to fall together again, and a host of memories and feelings came flooding back to me from where I had kept them preciously stored in my subconscious while the burning consumed my body.

Renee was dead.

The red-eyed monster killed her

He bit me.

Vampire.

Because it was the only thing I could do, I started laughing hysterically, a feeling of pure mania consumed my brain. I was a vampire. I was crazy. Renee was dead.

That sobered me up and I abruptly stopped laughing.

My mind drifted for hours after that, running around in circles. I would see the gas-station scene again and again, seeing Renee die before me. I whispered the word, vampire, in my mind, but it wasn't sinking in.

What was I going to do now? I briefly thought about trying to find my way back to the gas-station, but I cowardly could not return to the scene of the crime. The logical part of my brain also told me that the two culprits had most likely staged that car wreck by now and Renee would be surrounded by police and ambulances. I couldn't show up like this, like a monster.

So where should I go? Could I go home to Phoenix? And do what Isabella, sparkle in the sun and suck your neighbors and classmates dry? Alright, that path didn't make any sense. As quickly as I dismissed that idea, I realized that that was exactly what I wanted to do. I wanted to go home, to bury myself in my bed, hug my stuffed animals left over from childhood, and forget that this waking nightmare had ever happened. I wanted my Mama. I started sobbing again.

Another hour later, I started to gather my strength back. Ok, so I couldn't go home to Phoenix. I couldn't go to the police or the hospital because I was now a member of the living dead. That would go over well, I thought, imagining the general public's reaction to my sparkly state of being.

So where could I go? I didn't have any friends, and I certainly didn't have any family around….

Like a flash of lighting in the night, I thought of Charlie. My dad and I had never been close, but at this point, with my whole world fallen down around my ears, I felt that throwing myself in my father's arms and sobbing for help was my best option.

Without thinking, my body sprang up from the ground, acting almost on its own, and I suddenly found myself running at least fifty miles per hour across the desert, the skin of my arms poking out from my short sleeves sparkling in the desert sun. With the sun still rising in the sky, I angled myself away from it towards the north west, and sprinted agilely around rock, cactus, and bush.

If you've never been to Arizona before, I highly recommend that you go sometime during your lifetime. There's nothing more amazing than to see the expansive desert stretching as far as the eye can see, the gorges and plateaus rising higher than any skyscraper against the backdrop of endless blue skies.

I noticed none of this as I ran wildly through the wilderness. The beauty of the world around me held no significance for me. I once heard that for cancer patients who have only recently received their diagnosis, part of their mental and emotional transition involves a narrowing of focus; all the rest of life's clutter falls by the wayside and only that which is most important remains. I could relate. Even though I wasn't facing the end of my lifetime per se, I had the same kind of blinders on. Nothing else mattered except getting to Charlie. A bomb could have gone off right beside me and it wouldn't have altered my course one foot.

Considering I was racing through the desert at inhuman speeds, not needing to breathe more than normal and no blood pounding through my veins, I should have been more amazed by my physical transformation. I should have been systematically testing what exactly being a vampire entailed, noting the differences and experimenting with my new-found abilities. The truth is, I was in such denial, my grief and fear was so palpable, that I couldn't focus on anything else except reaching Forks.

Vampires don't tire, so I must have run a hundred miles before any thought of stopping occurred to me. Really it wasn't because I needed a break, but because the wind whipping against my face suddenly carried an interesting odor that filled my nostrils and set my already parched throat aflame.

Instinct caused me to stop my approach and swiftly duck behind a rock for cover. I scanned the nearby horizon and spotted what was tempting me away from my ultimate goal. While it hadn't occurred to me at the time, looking back on it, it was foolish of me to expect that I could run all the way to Washington State without once coming in contact with another human being. While the western half of the United States is amazingly empty compared to the east, there were any number of small towns, ranching communities, Native American reservations, and campers in between me and my goal. I must not have been that far from civilization because my vampire eye-sight spotted an off-road SUV and a small tent about two miles away. Obviously some adventurous outdoorsmen were enjoying the state's scenic beauty.

I was about a nano-second away from charging the tent and ravaging its occupants who smelled better to me at that moment than any gourmet meal did during my lifetime, when suddenly the wind shifted, taking the scent of their blood with it. Clarity instantly dawned on me. I had almost murdered people in cold-blood.

"Oh God oh God oh God…." I murmured to myself. I almost slaughtered innocent people the same way that monster did to my mother. Filled with horror, I quickly held my breath and sprinted to the west away from the campsite. When I was far enough away that I wouldn't be tempted again, I collapsed once again into the dirt, sobbing my heart out for this hopeless situation I was in.

How was I going to live with Charlie if I couldn't be trusted around blood? An even more horrifying thought suddenly occurred to me. In order to survive, would I have to kill other people? The idea was so shocking, my initial reaction was that I would starve, no I would throw myself off the nearest cliff, before I resorted to sucking people dry. The gas-station scene played again in my mind with perfect clarity and I hung on to my human memories tighter than ever. I may have been turned into a freak of nature, but nothing would force me to become a demon like Daniel, sadistically torturing my mother before finally succumbing to temptation.

I laid there amidst the bushes for many minutes, when a rustling nearby caught my attention. "Please, let it not be a human…." My nose twitched as I cautiously sniffed the air, fearfully wondering what it might be.

I could smell what must be blood, because my throat once more caught fire, but it smelled different. I could detect an earthier tone to the smell, not nearly as appetizing as the floral scent of the humans. I noticed a heart-beat to go along with the smell of blood, but it seemed like it was pumping faster than what was normal for a human.

With unnatural grace and agility I slowly rose from the ground and sneaked a glance through the sagebrush. There, lying nearly hidden from view under a particularly shady bush, was a small cat with tufted ears and a twitching tail. Too small to be a mountain lion, I guessed it was a bobcat.

The burning in my throat was near unbearable at this point, and liquid pooled in my mouth grotesquely. Was I actually lusting after this animal's blood? It was an interesting thought. I had certainly eaten meat as a human, could the blood of animals substitute for a human's? At this point, nothing I knew about vampires could help me, as the myths about sleeping in coffins and burning up in the daylight seemed to be false. Figuring the death of this innocent bobcat, while regrettable, would be worth it if it only made the burning stop, I let my instincts take over, and sprung silently upon my unsuspecting victim.

Before I could even think about what I was doing, I had the cat in my arms, its claws uselessly raking against my stone-like flesh, and its blood was pumping into my mouth. I swallowed. Huh. It certainly cooled the burning, but it was a bit like eating the asparagus on your plate when what you really craved was the plump steak soaking in its own juices.

The bobcat was a small creature so I only had about ten swallows before I felt it run dry. Inexplicably, I felt myself start to cry tearlessly again as I realized I held the corpse of a beautiful dead animal in my arms. I had never felt this way during my human life about the countless chickens, pigs, and cows that had been sacrificed to feed my hunger, but cradling the dead cat like a broken doll brought back to me the violence of my new existence. Despite my grief, I still felt a degree of triumph mixed in with my swirling emotions. I had done it. I could survive without murdering humans.

I delicately laid the motionless cat down on the ground beneath the bush, stroked its fur a few times, and then resolutely turned away, back towards the north-west. I ran a few more miles before deciding to break for awhile and come up with a game-plan for the future. My victory over my bloodlust for the humans and my recent discovery that I could survive without killing was causing me to hope more than I had since my transformation that I had a future, and it would be possible to return to some kind of normalcy.

First things first, I needed to decide how I was going to gain some self-control so that I could meet Charlie and give him the hug I so desperately needed. Would it be possible to inoculate myself somehow against the smell of humans? I wasn't sure. I supposed I could hang around their scent for awhile and see if I got used to it. However that plan had obvious dangers to it. Suddenly I thought of Elena, who had held me captive in her arms but had resisted the call of my blood pouring down my arm when Daniel had bit me. She was a habitual killer of humans I was sure and yet she managed to say no. I didn't want to over-rate myself, but I figured that my conscience gave me a bit more of an edge over her.

So was there a way I could get near enough to smell people without attacking? Maybe if I stuffed myself with blood beforehand I wouldn't feel as tempted to snack on humans. I was sure they would still smell incredible, the same way dessert after a huge dinner still looks appetizing, but a full stomach would give me the resolution I would need to resist.

It was at that point that I noticed that the burning in my throat which had been temporarily assuaged by the cat had returned full-force. I might as well begin the experiment immediately. I closed my eyes and let my sense of hearing and smell reign free, taking in the environment around me. Instinct took over once again, and I rushed wildly through the brush, catching a deer by complete surprise. Ugh, this was worse than the cat, but I drank anyway. Three rabbits, one elk, two coyotes, and one wild pig later the burning finally stopped and I almost felt sick with how full I was.

Ok, so that took care of that, so next I needed to decide how best to approach people without bringing too much notice to myself. I looked around helplessly, wondering where exactly I was. Was I really going to run all the way to Washington? I had money in my wallet, I supposed I could find the nearest town and catch a Greyhound bus, but somehow the idea of being locked inside a confined space with humans sounded like a bad idea. Well, I wasn't getting tired at all, I only needed animal blood to keep me going, so I might as well travel on foot all the way there. The idea sounded insane even to me, a blood-thirsty vampire. But I didn't have any other options, so that settled that.

I hadn't noticed before during the confusion of the moment, but I took quick stock of my appearance and realized I was filthy, I had blood and debris stuck to my torn clothes, but miraculously I still had my backpack cinched tightly against my frame. Amazing. Through the struggle with Daniel and Elena, my escape through the desert, my transformation, and my cross-country run, it had remained tightly secure without me ever noticing.

I swung the pack around and looked inside. Eureka! I had forgotten about those maps I had tossed in there for the road-trip with Renee. Thinking about my mom had me morose again, but I unfolded the maps anyway and took a long look at Arizona. Considering I had seen those campers and that I had been running consistently north-west for the whole day at speeds of a car on a highway, my best guess was that I was somewhere in the Prescott National Forest, still south of highway 89 since I hadn't yet crossed any roads. I had been fortunate to have run straight into the National Forest when I took off running in the first place, ensuring little contact with humans and plenty of wildlife to satiate my thirst, but looking at the road ahead I realized I would have to be very careful as there were several small towns that lay straight in my path. Ok, I decided I would continue moving in the right general direction, and when I got close enough to any houses or settlements, I would approach cautiously, sniffing the wind and testing my control. It was incredibly risky, but with my goal of Charlie firmly in my mind, I knew I had to give it a try. If I backed down now, I condemned myself to a pointless existence, roaming the wilderness and feeding on animals, cut off from all human contact.

Looking again at the map, I realized that while I had been smart running in a north-west direction, if I followed that line without turning for hundreds of miles, I would end up in Las Vegas. Woops, that seemed like the worst idea ever. Actually, once I thought about it, it seemed like that would be the perfect place for vampires to haunt, hiding in motel rooms during the day and stalking drunk tourists stumbling out of casinos at night. But I wasn't one of them, so I would need to avoid Sin City at all costs. So once I crossed highway 89, I would turn north, cross interstate 40, run up through Utah avoiding the major cities in the south-west corner of the state. Then, crossing Interstate 15, I could keep to the western half of Utah running north and staying away from Salt Lake City by turning west, crossing Interstate 80, and running into Nevada and then Idaho. My map of the United States indicated that Idaho apparently was a really empty state, so I figured the best way to stay on course would be to loosely follow the Snake River. I assumed by that point I would have had enough opportunities to become inoculated against the smell of humans, so I could stick closer to the towns and cities that lay close to the water. Staying with the river would take me further north along the Idaho-Oregon border but eventually would dump me out in the south-east corner of Washington State.

By the time my finger traced its way to Washington, I sat back on my heels, a bit stumped. I wasn't sure how to proceed after that. I could stick close to one of the two interstates which would take me to Seattle, but did I want to stay that close to civilization? My clothes were a mess and I was on foot, so even if my blood-lust were under control, I wasn't sure I could blend in very well. At least I wouldn't have to be afraid of being attacked, either by bears or strange men who waited for young women hitch-hiking along the road. I was stronger and faster than anything else out there, and the only things I had to fear were others like me.

Deciding I would make up my mind about Seattle once I got closer to the Pacific Northwest, I folded my map and stuffed it securely in the back pocket of my dirty jeans for easy access. I decided next to rummage around in my backpack and see what other supplies I had on me. First-aid kit. Well that was pointless as I remembered back to my bite-wound that had healed on its own. Looking down at my arm, I could see I would forever bear a scar there. Opening up the first-aid kit, however, revealed a generous supply of wipes intended to clean skin from blood and debris. Taking several of these out of the kit, I used them as best as I could to clean my face, neck, hands, and arms from the tell-tale signs of my adventure in the Arizona wilderness.

Looking down at my shirt, I saw there wasn't much I could do about that, but I realized if I wanted to get close to humans, and risk being spotted myself, I would need to acquire some kind of long-sleeved shirt, maybe a hoodie to cover up not only the rag I was wearing but also my sparkling skin.

Replacing the first-aid kit in my backpack I shuffled things around, looking to see what else was in there. I curiously took out the water-bottle, daintily taking a tentative sip just to see what would happen. After swallowing, I promptly coughed it back up. The water had done nothing to ease any of the burning in my throat and had merely irritated the flesh of my esophagus. So that was useless. Looking back in my bag, I found some granola bars, also pointless, as well as several of my favorite novels. Finding those made me smile, but considering I was on a mission to both control my blood-lust and get to Charlie in Forks, I figured I would be doing little reading on this trip.

Finally, I pulled out one last book, the one that Renee had surreptitiously placed in my backpack. What had she said? "I just had a feeling you might need it at some point…" What the hell was I supposed to do with this Bible? Was it supposed to give me some kind of answers? I was pretty damn sure it wouldn't contain a vampire guide-book. Suddenly, I was irrationally angry at my mother. How dare she put this stupid thing in my bag! How dare she give me that rosary and keep me from dying with her! How dare she die in the first place! Burning up with rage, I gave into my feelings, and chucked the book as far as I could into the desert. From what I could see it sailed far and away across wilderness, finally disappearing from view. I was impressed with my strength, but instead of giving me a release and making me feel better, I suddenly felt even worse. Even if that stupid book couldn't give me any answers, it and the rosary that still hung around my neck were the last things my mother had given me. Filled with remorse, I slung my backpack over my shoulders and took off in the direction I had thrown the Bible.

After several minutes searching, my keen eyes spotted the red cover lying in the dirt. I gingerly picked it up, noticing that the pages had fallen open. I scanned the page, my eyes instantly glued to the heading above one of the passages. The book had fallen open to chapter four in Matthew and in italics above one of the paragraphs it read "Jesus is Tempted by Satan in the Desert"

I dropped the book in surprise. Suddenly it dawned on me what I had just read and I started laughing hysterically. In the past I had never set much store in organized religion, and as for my own personal spirituality, I had given that even less thought. I had prayed as a little kid, like many kids are taught to do, but in recent years had given it up and never thought about God, gods, fate, angels, devils, or the afterlife. But only days before I had stared into the eyes of one of Hell's own creations. My mother had been taken from me, would I ever see her again? If God did exist, why the hell would he let something so shitty happen to my mom and me?

I picked the Bible back up and quickly read the whole story, comparing Jesus' situation to my own. I wasn't the supposed son of God, but I certainly was wandering in the wilderness, resisting the temptations of the devil, though Satan didn't exist outside of me, but was inside of me, burning my throat and whispering in my ear to give in and taste the satisfaction that pumped through the veins of the humans around me.

I had no guarantees that God existed, and no assurances even that this religion was the right one if God did exist, but still, I whimsically decided I had nothing, absolutely nothing else to lose, and so I prayed.

It wasn't the greatest or most eloquent prayer ever conceived, and I mentally stuttered in my mind several times, and even stopped in the middle thinking what I was doing was stupid and irrational, but I got through it. I asked God, or whoever was listening, to help me through my struggle with temptation, to see me through my journey through the wilderness, to keep Charlie safe in Forks, and most of all to care for my mother's soul, wherever she rested. After mentally scrolling through my list of wants, it suddenly occurred to me I was being pretty cavalier in this prayer, treating God like a divine vending machine who just waits around in heaven for someone to talk to Him (or Her???) and then dispenses a response in an organized fashion. Feeling guilty for demanding so much, I cast about wildly for something to be thankful for. Thank you for Charlie. Thank you for wildlife I can feed on. Thank you for…my life…such as it is.

And with some clarity, I realized I was thankful for being alive…sort of. I wasn't suicidal, I didn't want to die, and so escaping the clutches of Daniel and Elena, even though it had unexpected consequences, felt like a true second-chance. I would be sure not to waste it.