Five Reasons Why Sai Coming Back in the Flesh Really Isn't as Great as Everyone Makes it Sound

A/N: This was originally an entry on Livejournal's Blind Go, where it won the Theme Challenge. That theme happened to be cliches. See if you can spot them as you read, but I'll have a list of the nine (Blind Go approved) cliches I included at the end. ^.^ I hope you enjoy it!

One. Distance.

May fifth dawned bright and clear and, though few would ever know it, more than a bit magical.

"Hikaru! I've come back! Now we can play all the games that... that... Hikaru?" Sai blinked into the conspicuously empty room.

"...Hikaru?"

XXXXX

Several hours away in the hotel where the second annual Hokuto Cup was holding its opening ceremonies, Shindo Hikaru sneezed.

Two. Parents.

"Why are you in my house?!" the enraged housewife shrieked, armed with an upraised broom and dustpan and knowing full-well how to use both.

Sai, arms raised over his head in a desperate bid for mercy, screeched in a manner unbefitting a high official of The Emperor s Own Court and tripped backwards over the room's prominently displayed goban.

XXXXX

"Hey, Shindo!" Yashiro called a few minutes into the lunch break, "Do you wanna go get-"

But Hikaru waved him off distractedly and returned to his heated phone conversation, "What do you mean 'a weirdo dressed like a Heian era nobleman' broke into the house?"

"Mom... Mom, you didn't!" He clutched the phone tightly, a pronounced note of hysteria leaking into his voice. "Well, where is he now?"

A pause.

"The police!"

Three. Teenagers.

Once Hikaru had convinced his mother to drop the burglary charges and have Sai released from police custody, the reunited pair ran into another problem: how to justify Sai's existence to the Go community.

Hikaru figured he had this one covered. After all, when in doubt: lie.

"-and that's how we met," he cheerfully finished explaining to his small circle of friends.

"And you just invited some strange man you met in the hospital up to your bedroom?" Waya asked, dumbfounded.

"I didn't exactly invite him," Hikaru furrowed his brow contemplatively. "He just kinda... followed me up there." Hikaru blink dumbly into his friends stunned faces. "What?"

XXXXX

"So, Hikaru, this Sai man... He's your... good friend?"

"Yes already. Why do you keep asking that?" Hikaru demanded petulantly, before muttering under his breath, "And in that weird voice..."

Akari, cheeks a bright red and eyes gleaming dully, turned on her heel and continued down the street. "No reason!" Her face flushed a shade darker as she folded her hands primly behind her back and peeked over her shoulder to ask, "Do you think your... good friend could come with us to get lunch sometime?"

Four. Adults.

The first time Sai encountered Ogata ten-dan one-on-one, it was at the entrance of the Go Institute's elevator. It was not what one would call an auspicious beginning to a relationship.

The tall man stepped out of the elevator and stopped in front of Sai, looked him up and down once, and smiled. "Well," Ogata said, suitably impressed, "even I was never so bold as to try that." The man clapped Sai on the shoulder in a show of fond camaraderie and then continued past, chuckling under his breath about 'miniature ko-fights'.

Sai wasn't quite sure what had just happened, but he was left feeling vaguely disturbed and deeply uncomfortable.

XXXXX

And so it was that by the time Sai got a chance to meet his eternal rival once more, rumors were running rampant.

Kouyo grasped his chest and asked in an uncharacteristically weak voice, "This is Sai? The Sai I played? The one I've been searching for?"

Hikaru blinked, turned to share a brief confused glance with Sai, and then turned back to face the older man, "Well yeah."

"...Touya-sensei?"

He tried again, "Touya-sensei? Are you okay?"

A dull thud.

"Touya-sensei!"

Five. Cultural Differences.

"I don t get it," Hikaru complained sullenly as he trudged out of the hospital after Akira. They had come to visit Touya-sensei, but the retired pro had had a panic attack as soon as Sai came into view. So the three were on the way back to the apartment Akira and he shared. "Why has everyone been acting so weird around Sai and me?"

Akira stopped and stared at the two go players trailing behind him. He took a deep breath and, feeling uncomfortable but knowing no one else was about to do so, enlightened them.

XXXXX

"They thought what?" Hikaru screeched, arms flapping in distress.

"Oh," Sai blinked and cocked his head ever so slightly, "Was that all it was?" The two boys paused in their argument long enough to turn and stare at the older man. Sai took in their bewildered expressions and explained, "Such relationships were commonplace in the Heian court." He nodded knowledgeably, "Encouraged even."

Hikaru sputtered, "B-but, Wha-?"

"Oh, Hikaru, I never thought of you that way." Sai took the boy's hand and looked into his eyes earnestly, "You're just not my type."

End.

Cliches list:

Akari the yaoi fan girl

Heart attacks

Akira and Hikaru live together

May 5th

"Five things"

Go as a metaphor for sex and/or life in general

Sai returns and/or Sai possesses someone else

The second Hokuto Hai

Ogata pervs on young boys