It's been a really long time since I updated this. Hope it's up to par.

I opened my eyes to another day of feeling indifferent about everything. I walked downstairs to find breakfast on the table waiting, but only one place setting.

"Where's Max?" I asked, knowing someone would hear me.

Edward appeared at the opposite end of the table.

"He went for a run."

"Without me?"

"I think he just wanted to get away from the craziness for a while."

"What craziness?" I asked, smiling. "I don't have a trouble in the world."

"You might not but everyone else still does."

I felt the smile fade quickly. Something in the back of my mind tugged at my consciousness. Edward looked at me with confused eyes. He must have noticed it too.

"Tell Jasper to let up." I said.

"Katie, you're not ready."

"Why should everyone else have to deal with this shit while I'm in La La land?" It wasn't an angry thought, or resentful just clear.

"No matter how right it is or isn't, I don't think you can handle it right now."

"Edward I want him to stop." I said sincerely. "I'm done with numbness. I have to feel something."

He clenched his jaw slightly, looking away from me. Did he really have to think that hard about this?

"You don't know what you'll do."

"But you do?" I asked. That was a stupid question. "Alice."

"Without Jacob here she can see everything. I'm not going to let anything happen to you."

"Hm." I grunted. "So I get to stay in this emotional coma."

"I'm only trying to protect you, Katie."

"What would I do?" I asked; pure curiosity. "I mean, like I wouldn't off myself obviously but how bad could it get?"

"I'd rather not paint that image in your mind." Edward ended it there.

"C'mon. It's not like I'll be worried about it or anything. Just tell me."

"Katie, without Jacob, you… you fall apart. I don't want to watch that happen. I can't let you go to that place."

"I have to. How am I going to realize the magnitude of this situation if you don't let me feel anything?"

He sighed, looking away from me. "You'll do things. You'll distract yourself with alcohol and then drugs and men. And you'll spiral into this depression that eventually drives you to try and hurt yourself."

That didn't sound like me at all. Even if I didn't see Jacob for another ten years, knowing that he was coming back would be enough to stop me from doing anything that might prevent me seeing him.

"There's something else isn't there?" I asked suddenly. "Something else is going to happen."

"Katie…"

"No, tell me Edward. I want to know."

"I can't. The future isn't set in stone and I don't want to get you worried."

"Did you forget? I can't worry. You won't let me."

"But Jasper will have to leave some time and all of this will come crashing down on you, I don't want to make that load heavier with things that may not come to pass."

"It's about Jacob, isn't it?"

"I'm not telling you anything."

"C'mon!" I whined playfully like an eight year old. "I'm going to keep bugging you until you tell me so you might as well spill the beans now."

"No."

He disappeared in an instant. This left me plotting who I could bug next for information. I knew Edward told Carlisle everything, no matter how trivial it might be. I made a b-line up to his office and knocked on the door.

"Come in Katie." Carlisle's soft voice came to me.

I walked in only to find Edward sitting in the chair opposite Carlisle's desk.

"Damn it." I cursed.

"Why are you pushing this?" Edward asked me.

"Because I want to know."

"Well no one is going to tell you so you should just drop it."

"Carlisle…" I turned to him.

He held my gaze from the chair behind his desk. I knew he wanted to tell me, I could see it but he wouldn't if Edward asked him not to. I knew I was just beating a dead goose. I shook my head and left the room, looking for Jasper next.

"Will you stop?" I asked when I found him.

"Excuse me?"

"Can you stop with the mood control thing? I can't stay like this; it's making me crazy in a not actually crazy kind of way." I said hearing how strange I sounded. "It's a complicated emotion."

"Why would you want me to stop, Katie? Everything's just going to-."

"I know, its going to come crashing down." I shrugged. "That's better than sitting back acting like there's not a thing wrong in the world. I need to be worried about Jacob and I won't become the drunken, drug-addicted slut that Alice perceives me to be. I couldn't do that to Jake."

Jasper looked at Alice. The vision didn't change; she didn't go into one of her weird fore-seeing trances which meant it was still highly possible, almost certain, that I would become a drunken, drug-addicted slut.

"Where's Ed-."

"Edward is off being his usual stubborn self and not telling me anything I want to know."

Alice smiled. "Katie, you have to understand why we're doing this. It's for your protection."

"I don't want it anymore if it means feeling like this all the time. I know I'm supposed to be worried about this and not being worried is really messing with my head."

I heard Edward come in behind me.

Please. I begging him mentally, bombarding him with the word over and over in my head.

"Katie." Edward said tersely.

I waited for him to say no again feeling disappointment at the edges of my mind but not fully.

"If you even get a fraction of a thought of hurting yourself-."

"You can lock me in a padded room and throw away the key." I finished for him.

He heaved a sigh and nodded at Jasper. I mentally tried to prepare myself in the seconds I had but it only worked a little. At least I didn't fall to my knees crying. Edward could hear everything I was thinking so he already knew that I was suppressing the overwhelming urge to run outside and try to find Jacob. My mind started racing and my heart kept pace with it. There had to be something I could do, something that could help us find Jacob.

"You're not going anywhere."

"Why can't we just talk to them?" I asked.

"There's no negotiating with the Volturi. When they come here you're going to be inside this house with Rose and Emmett away from them. I can't risk them hurting you."

"But they don't want me." I said. "They want Jacob back."

"You don't know that. As long as Jacob is missing they're going to want something to bargain with and you're the most effective measure."

I sighed. Why did this have to happen to us? Why couldn't we just be left alone to be happy together?

"Listen to me, Katie. We're going to do everything we can to figure out where Jacob is. Bella won't be using her shield on me when we meet with them so I can read their minds."

"That's stupid."

"It's necessary." He added. "I'm willing to take the risk if it will give us a little more information."

"I already lost the love of my life…" I sighed, "I can't lose my best friend too."

"Nothing is going to happen to me. Alice sees our visit with the Volturi going over smoothly. They'll leave without confrontation and then we can start looking for Jacob."

I didn't like it. Edward putting himself out there like that, totally vulnerable. If something were to happen to him I couldn't live with myself.

"Katie." Edward said warningly. "Not a thought."

"Sorry." I said.

I felt the sudden urge to be alone. Sift through my thoughts, figure things out. And the best way to do that was to-.

"Run." Edward finished the thought for me. "I can call Max if you want."

"Can I go alone?" I asked. "I won't be able to think straight with him on my tail."

"Katie it's not a good idea for you to be going out alone right now."

"Alice doesn't see the Volturi coming any time in the immediate future right?"

He didn't respond.

"So I should be fine to go out by myself." I was practically begging at this point. PleaseEdward.Ineedthis.

"Alice?"

She appeared at my side within half a second. "Yes?"

"Can you see Katie returning here safely tonight?"

She looked distant for a few seconds. Edward's brow furrowed and that concerned me; he saw something he didn't like.

"What is it?"

"You disappear for a while… but you come back. That can only mean-."

"I meet up with a wolf."

"But who?" Edward asks rhetorically. "I don't think it's a good idea."

"Edward, I know Sam's pack. They won't hurt me." I said, an idea suddenly popping into my head. "What if I'm meant to talk to them? I'm sure Sam will stay here with me while you go talk to the Volturi, that way you'll have Emmett and Rosalie with you if you need them."

"We won't need them."

"As far as you can tell right now, but what if it changes? Nothing is permanent, remember?"

"Which is exactly why you shouldn't be going out there alone."

"You have to let me contribute to this effort somehow! I'll go straight to Sam, I promise. If he doesn't agree I'll come straight back and we'll do it all your way."

He sighed, hearing the painful plea in my voice and my thoughts.

"If I don't hear your thoughts, I'm coming to find you. I'll still be able to hear you from the reservation."

"That's fine." I felt relieved, feeling the metaphorical chains that were weighing me down finally lift. "I'll even call you."

"Fine, go, hurry." His voice was still stiff, still worried.

I hurried out the door and Changed in the brush just off the driveway. It felt good to stretch my wolf legs, finally. It seemed like it'd been forever since I felt this kind of relief. It didn't talk me long to get to the woods of the reservation. Part of me wished I'd simply walked instead of having to Change again, but I did and waited. I knew I wouldn't have to wait there long before I was discovered and sure enough within a few minutes, Jared and Paul appeared opposite me in their human forms.

"What do you want?" Jared asked, rather rudely.

"I need to talk to Sam." I said, ignoring his attempt to get under my skin.

"Well Sam isn't here."

"Where is he?"

"Why should I tell you that?"

"I need to speak with him." I pushed.

"He'll be back in a few hours. You can come back then."

I huffed frustrated. "Fine. Let him know I'm looking for him."

I didn't want to Change again so soon; I decided that I would just stroll through the woods. It had been so long since I'd been able to appreciate the beauty that was in the nature of Washington. Even now, it was muted and dulled; everything was without Jacob. I tried to push it from my mind; tried to think of something else. What I would say to Sam, how I would keep myself inside the Cullens' house while they were negotiating with the Volturi but it all lead back to Jacob. It distracted me so much so that I didn't even notice I'd walked to the edge of the forest and was standing over the cold ocean being hit with a cool breeze. The ledge wasn't nearly as high as the others in La Push but still made my stomach flutter when I approached it.

"You should be careful." Sam's voice startled me. "Jacob wouldn't appreciate it if I let his girlfriend splatter all over the rocks."

I sighed. "I could never do that to him."

"I should hope not. He'd be lost without you."

I stepped back and approached Sam slowly. I knew the connection between him and Jacob, alpha leaders could hear each other's thoughts just like they can hear their pack's thoughts. So I had to ask.

"Have you heard from him?" it came out as more of a squeak rather than my normal voice. I felt tears welling in my eyes already.

"He's contacted me a few times since he left." I could barely hear him over the whip of the wind but I knew I wasn't mistaken.

"What does he say?"

"He wants to know how you're doing. I promised I'd keep an eye on you while he was gone."

"What do you tell him?" I asked looking up at him wide eyed.

"He knows about the vampires having to use their powers to keep you… stable."

"I was hoping since Leah was gone that I wouldn't have to worry about him getting a peripheral view of me."

"Why don't you want him to see you?"

"It's not that. I don't want him to see me like this." I sniffle, holding back my emotions. "Where is he now? When's he coming back?"

Sam looked at me hard for a few silent moments. "It might be a while, Katie."

I felt like I got stabbed in the chest. "Like how long?"

"I don't know. However long it takes for him to stop phasing."

"Stop phasing… he's going human again? Now?"

"He thinks the Volturi will leave you two alone if he's no use to them."

"What if they try to kill him?"

"He has it worked out with the others. They'll protect you."

"The others are gone, he must know that."

"If he hasn't been phasing he'd only know if he called them. He told me the last time he phased and… I swore I wouldn't tell you but I think it would do more harm than good at this point to keep things from you."

This was a lot to take in. "What is he thinking?"

"I said the same thing. He doesn't want your age difference to be too drastic. He wants to age the same as you do."

"But we don't age the same as everyone else. I'll be 75 years old and I could still look forty and that's with the normal werewolf; full blooded ones could be totally different; it's never happened before." My breathing quickened as my thoughts did. "Do you know where he is? Where he was the last time he phased?"

"I don't think it's safe for you to be leaving the Cullens right now, Katie. Edward told us the other vampires were coming back. Even if it's just to chat I don't think it's a good idea for you to be unprotected."

That brought me back to the reason why I was here.

"Will you come with me?" I asked. "I was going to ask you to give us a hand with guarding the house while the Cullens spoke to the Volturi but this seems like a better idea."

"I can't do that, Katie."

"It's either that or I go alone. You know how Edward will react."

He looked torn. I knew what he must be thinking. He didn't want to leave Emily with the Volturi coming. I could understand; but this was so important.

"Just tell me where he is." It was almost a whisper, I was so desperate. "I have to try, Sam."

"I know you're hurting. I promised Jacob I would keep an eye on you." He said, sadly. "I can't help you."

I cursed and turned away from him, looking over the ocean. Why did it have to be like this? Why was everyone so bent on keeping me from looking for Jacob?

"I'll come by the Cullens' place tonight with Paul." He said and left.

This was so stupid. I found myself wishing for Edward's ability to read a persons mind, even if it was such a burden to carry. The edge of the cliff came closer; or I went closer to it. I found myself tempted, looking over the edge. Jacob's face appeared in my head and I stepped away. I wouldn't do anything until I knew what happened to him. And if it turned out that he was gone, the cliff would always be there.

I told Edward that Sam would be coming to protect me. He could tell Rose and Emmett to join them for the Volturi meeting. The more they had the better I felt, even though I didn't feel very good at all.

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