Thiev-Thiev-Eree

It was a cool and windless night. The light from a half moon slowly slipped from behind a cloud, illuminating the front of a large, solid mansion and the winding driveway leading up to it. Few trees were interspaced across the wide lawn which was surrounded by a tall, iron fence. Even in the moonlight one would have been hard pressed to notice the mysterious figure who proceed to easily leap the fence with the aid of a long, telescoping staff.

Remy smirked as he collapsed his staff and hid within the shadow of a nearby tree. Ah, perfect timing, he noted before sprinting towards the mansion just as another passing cloud blocked the moon from view. Under the cover of darkness Remy casually slipped two charged cards into his hand before letting them fly at a pair of motion-activated lights mounted on the side of the mansion. The resulting explosions took out both lights with the least amount of noise while leaving the motion sensor itself intact.

Piece of cake, Remy grinned as he reached the wall of the mansion without the lights betraying his presence. He skillfully scaled the windowless section of the mansion and nimbly leapt onto the roof. Using his powers, he quietly charged an opening for himself and smoothly slipped inside the mansion's attic. Having scouted the outside of the mansion beforehand, he quickly made some rough calculations and moved across the attic's many beams. After pacing out several yards he stopped and used his powers to make a small hole in the ceiling of the space below.

Yes! Remy smiled as he expanded the hole and effortlessly dropped down into a long hallway just outside what he believed to be the master bedroom. He quickly moved toward the large keypad he had spotted from above and confirmed it was the master control panel for the mansion's entire security system. A simple charging of the panel itself, all its connecting lines and the removal of the backup batteries easily rendered the whole security system inert. Pleasant dreams, Remy chuckled to the occupant behind the closed bedroom doors.

With complete freedom of movement Remy silently made his way through the mansion while noting the various security measures he past by: multiple infrared sensors, vibration detectors mounted on windows and doors, even a few pressure sensors on the floor. But with the brain of the whole setup taking a nap, none of this stuff will set off the alarm.

Remy soon found himself in the study and spotted the prize he was searching for. Within a large ornate display case made of bulletproof glass rested a life sized statue of a hummingbird in flight, carved from white marble. Tiny rubies formed the eyes with emeralds on the chest, sapphires on the wings and diamonds encrusted on the head and tail. The whole thing was mounted on a round pedestal made of pure gold.

Poor birdie, all locked up in a cage, Remy smiled as he expertly disabled the motion sensors, vibration detectors and counterweight system that made up the display case's independent security measures. He grinned mischievously as he prepared to charge the enclosing glass. Time to set you free…

"Hey Gambit!"

"Aaahhhhhh!" Remy yelped in surprise and nearly charged the whole display case. He quickly spun around toward the figure standing next to him. "Pyro?! What are you doing here?"

"Hey mate. I saw you sneak out of the base and wanted to know what you were up to," Pyro said cheerfully. "Looking for an early Christmas gift?"

"Shhh, be quiet," Remy shushed, still trying to recover from his shock. "How the heck did you get in here?"

"Oh, the front gate and door were unlocked, so I just let myself in," Pyro waved. "I was gonna follow you up to the roof, but I couldn't quite make it."

"Great," Remy groaned and turned back towards the display case.

"Boy, does this place ever stink," Pyro made a face. "It smells like some fat, old mongrel lives here."

"A fat, old mongrel does live here," Remy sighed. "He's the CEO of one of the largest telemarketing firms in the country."

"Well good thing there were some plants in the front hallway. I just set 'em on fire so they'll make everything smell nice and fresh," Pyro added.

"That's nice…wait, what?!" Remy did a double take. "Oh no! We gotta hurry before they…"

BRRRAAANNNGGGAAARRRAAANNGGGAAARRRAAANNNGGG!!!

"…set off the fire alarm," Remy groaned.

"Oops!" Pyro gulped.

"Oops is right!" Remy snapped, forgetting about the hummingbird. "Come on!" He grabbed Pyro and ran out of the room.

"AAARRRGGGHHH! IT'S A RAID!" They heard the owner of the mansion scream in the distance. "QUICK! SHRED EVERYTHING! SHRED EVERYTHING!"

"Wow, I never thought I'd actually want the cops to show up at a place where I've been working," Remy quipped as they ran out the front door. "I hope they manage to find something on that guy besides heat burns."

"Oh, I doubt it. None of the fires I set were big enough," Pyro said before looking back and focusing on the burning plants.

FLOOOOOOM!

Flames leapt out the front door and blew out several windows as the fires quickly spread throughout the mansion.

"There. Now they're big enough," Pyro laughed as he viewed his handiwork.

"Well, that's one way of covering my tracks," Remy grumbled as he hurried them both down the street while the mansion burned in the background.

"Hey, why the long face Gambit?" Pyro asked as they ran. "Didn't ya think that was fun?"

"It would have been more fun if I'd been able to snatch that jeweled hummingbird," Remy snapped irritably. "You know how bad it feels to walk away from a job empty-handed?"

"Gee, I'm sorry mate," Pyro apologized as they ducked into an alley just as a police car rushed by with a large fire truck right behind. "I didn't mean to ruin everything. I just wanted to see what you were up to."

"It's okay Pyro," Remy sighed and slowed to a walk as they emerged onto a new street. "I should've realized I was being followed."

"Why did you want to steal that thing anyway?" Pyro asked.

"You mean besides the obvious?" Remy shrugged. "I just did it for the exercise."

"Exercise?" Pyro blinked.

"Yeah, exercise," Remy said. "We've been cooped up in the base way too long. I just needed to get out and snatch something worth stealing. Besides, I wanted to make sure my thievery skills weren't getting rusty. I don't wanna end up losing my touch."

"Yeah, I know what ya mean," Pyro nodded. "I'm a pretty good thief myself."

"Pyro, I'm talking about real skills here. Skills only learned by a master thief," Remy gave him a look. "Not the kind of things you pick up from watching dumb crime movies on TV."

"Hey, I got skills! I've stolen a lot of things!" Pyro protested.

"Pyro, any idiot can walk into a store and swipe lighters and money and candy," Remy rolled his eyes. "It takes a professional thief to do it with a sense of style. Not to mention being able to make off with something really valuable or important."

"I could do that!" Pyro insisted.

"Okay, how about a little test? See that guy?" Remy subtly pointed at a lone figure walking towards them. "When he passes by, get everything you can off him. And do it without him realizing it or even suspecting you afterwards."

"Got it. Watch this," Pyro nodded and readied himself.

"Oh, what a night," Principal Kelly groaned as he made his way down the sidewalk. "It's bad enough I had to attend that stupid party with the superintendent, but now I have to walk home too!" Kelly grumbled as he absently passed between two 'pedestrians'. "How the heck did all that shaving cream get in my car? And the sugar in my gas tank? It must've have been the Brotherhood! Those crazy maniacs are everywhere! I can't get away from them no matter where I go…"

"So, what did you get?" Remy asked as they turned the corner and left Kelly to continue rambling to himself.

"Take a look at this," Pyro grinned holding up his loot. "I got his wallet, his keys and two ballpoint pens."

"Not bad," Remy shrugged before revealing his own pickings. "I nabbed his watch, his ring, his cufflinks, his tie clasp, his belt buckle and a nice little hip flask."

"Wow," Pyro blinked at the load of trinkets in Remy's hands. "Guess I'm not as good a thief as I thought."

"It's okay. Practically no one is," Remy waved before tucking everything away into his trench coat. "Though compared to a lot of wanna-be thieves you did pretty well."

"Really?" Pyro asked.

"Really," Remy said. "With practice you could even be a great thief. Or a somewhat, fairly decent one anyway."

"Yeah, that'd be great," Pyro chirped excitedly. "Boy, being a thief sounds like a lot of fun!"

"Well, it's not all fun and games. Mostly it's a lot of hard work," Remy explained. "And it depends on your personality. If you're honest and have a strong set of morals and integrity you'd be completely miserable. But, you'd probably make a great cop."

"Yeah, somebody has go and hunt down all those drug dealers and murders and traffickers in human flesh," Pyro nodded. "Compared to that a little thievery is nothing."

"You got that right," Remy agreed. "Besides, I usually make sure that by nicking something I'm not going to inadvertently go and hurt anyone. Unless they really deserve it or can easily make it up."

"That's considerate of you," Pyro blinked.

"But being a master thief does have its perks," Remy gave him a knowing look. "There's the sense of professionalism, the prestige, the romantic image…"

"The money," Pyro offered.

"That too," Remy smiled.

"Hey, I got an idea," Pyro grinned. "How about we go back to the base and try to look up some other deserving fat cats to steal from?"

"Now you're talking!" Remy laughed and slapped Pyro on the back. "Thiev-thiev-ery, thiev-thiev-ery, thiev-thiev-eree! A great master thief I am happy to be!"

"Oh boy!" Pyro cheered as he swayed his head to the beat.

"Thiev-thiev-ery, thiev-thiev-ery, thiev-thiev-eroo! You should feel honored when I steal from you!" Remy sang while flashing a mischievous grin. "And if you have a kiss, then I'll steal that too!"

"Wohoo!" Pyro cheered happily as they crossed onto another street.

"Now some say that stealing is immoral and wrong," Remy warned. "And that there are right ways for one to get along."

"Huh?" Pyro blinked.

"But thieves are hard working, intelligent and true," Remy continued. "And we get a paycheck when we steal it from you!"

"Ha!" Pyro laughed as they headed back to the Acolyte base.

"Thiev-thiev-ery, thiev-thiev-ery, thiev-thiev-eree! A great master thief I am quite proud to be!" Remy merrily skipped down the street. "Thiev-thiev-ery, thiev-thiev-ery, thiev-thiev-eroo! You should feel honored when I steal from you!"

"Yeah!" Pyro shouted matching him step for step. "Thiev-thiev-ery, thiev-thiev-ery, thiev-thiev-eree! A great master thief I aspire to be!"

"Sing it!"Remy cheered him on.

"Thiev-thiev-ery, thiev-thiev-ery, thiev-thiev-eroo! I want to be a great master thief too!" Pyro sang at the top of his lungs.

"That's the spirit! But don't set your hopes too high," Remy cautioned. "Most thieves are fleeting and never gain fame. Forgotten and lost without leaving their name."

"Oh," Pyro blinked, somewhat deflated.

"But I have a grand and most permanent seat. In the pantheon of thievery's most elite," Remy posed dramatically.

"Ooo," Pyro whistled in awe.

"I'm respected and feared, by both friend and foe. The greatest of thieves, that they'll ever know," Remy beamed proudly. "And they whisper in reverence, 'Coo, what a pro!'"

"Yay!" Pyro cheered as they neared the Acolyte base.

A few minutes later Piotr was just finishing off a late night glass of water in the kitchen. He was about to head back to his room when he heard some strange noises coming his way. "What in the world…?" He frowned and stepped into the hallway.

"Thiev-thiev-ery, thiev-thiev-ery, thiev-thiev-eree!" Remy and Pyro skipped into view with their arms linked together. "A nifty odd pair of mutant thieves are we!"

"Huh?" Piotr blinked at them shock.

"No where is there a more happier two! Then we who sing thiev-thiev-ery, thiev-eroo! Thiev-thiev-ery, thiev-thiev-eree, thiev-eroo!" Remy and Pyro laughed and danced out of sight.

Piotr just stood there for a moment. "And I thought things were crazy enough around here during the day."

Disclaimer: I do not own X-Men: Evolution or the song "Chim Chim Cher-ee".

I do not support, promote or defend the practice of thievery. Its purpose in this story is for humor only.