hold my breath and wait until I shake

Jim Kirk is helpless.

All he can do is watch the screen in front of him, knuckles ghost-white and clenching the arms of his chair, breath held and eyes bright and all of his muscles tense enough to snap. All he can do is watch as the hypospray stabs into Bones' limp neck, a weak groan filtering over the communication system from the other ship. All he can do is hate himself for not giving in to their requests sooner because now, Bones is the one that's suffering. It should be him there, chained to that wall.

There's a few seconds of silent stillness, the Cardassian Gul's satisfied smirk gazing at Jim from the screen as Bones twitches once, twice, and whimpers.

Then the screen that's been monitoring Bones' frequency for the last two hours shrieks to life, red lights flashing around the Bridge and one word stamped in front of Jim's eyes, and he can't look away. He can't think.

There's movement all around him, shouts and curses, and he knows that he should be reacting. He should be making some sort of decision, talking to the Gul or giving orders or something, but he can't. He can't move. All he can do is stare at the screen where just moments ago, Bones' vitals had been dangerous, but at least present. But now there's nothing.

"Captain!"

It's Uhura's voice that snaps him out of it eventually, and he blinks slowly as though waking from a dream. He glances over at her, and she looks as though she's about to cry, and he doesn't think he can deal with that. So he looks back at the Gul.

"Perhaps now you realise that I am being serious," the Gul says, and Jim swears he can hear the victory in his voice. A cold fury begins to rise, deep in the pit of his stomach, and he feels his face twist into a vicious snarl.

"You will give us two hours, then I will beam aboard your vessel to discuss your terms," he says shortly, and when the Gul nods in agreement with a small smirk, Jim turns away from the screen and stands.

"Captain, I do believe that we should consider the Gul's demands in more detail before we come to any decisions," Spock says calmly as he follows him from the Bridge, and it's all that Jim can do not to punch him in the face.

"I have no intention of even thinking about that bastard's demands," he says coldly as he strides into his quarters, but Spock doesn't take the hint and follows him over to the closet.

"Surely, you are not going to comply? It would be unwise to agree without negotiating beforehand, which I am willing to assist you with…"

Jim whirls around as he buckles the belt, holding onto it so he doesn't try and throttle the damned Vulcan on the spot.

"I never said anything about agreeing to his requests," he spits, swings the phaser rifle onto his back, and heads towards the transporter. Spock still follows, but at least he seems to have got his head around exactly what Jim is going to do, and his eyebrow twitches disapprovingly.

"I cannot allow you to beam aboard that vessel unprepared and unaccompanied, Captain. You need to stop and think about the best course of action before forging ahead with your usual recklessness – or are you too emotionally compromised by the situation to consider your actions?"

And that's one step too far. This time, Jim does turn and slam Spock against the wall, forearm pressed across his collarbones and face pushes right up into the Vulcan's, teeth bared and face flushed.

"You bet damn right that I'm emotionally compromised. And right now, I don't give a fuck about regulations and you aren't going to stop me, because right now I'm not acting as this ship's captain."

"Are you saying that you are stepping down as Captain?" Spock asks, his head tilted to the side almost curiously, and Jim releases him to step back and away.

"What I'm saying is that what I'm about to do isn't official. This is completely personal."

Spock takes a moment or two to catch up with him as he positions himself on the transporter and at least Scotty's got the sense not to try and talk him out of this, not to try and change his mind. Instead, he just nods and prepares to beam, and doesn't even blink when Spock steps up to stand beside Jim.

"You are a fool if you think that I would allow you to do this alone," Spock says quietly, and Jim feels a rush of gratitude in amongst the rage and hatred and despair that he's trying to dampen, if only so that he can think a little clearer. He looks over at Spock but he doesn't say anything because he knows that if he does, he might break down.

Spock seems to understand the look, but Jim hands him one of the hand phasers just to make sure.

Scotty beams them directly into the room where Bones was killed, and Jim has the rifle aimed and ready and Spock's gripping the hand phaser tightly.

There are three Cardassians in the room and they don't stand a chance.

"I need to find the Gul," Jim says flatly, kicking the charred remains of a Glinn. He's refusing to look at Bones' body even though Spock goes straight to him, because if he does then the dam that he's managed to quickly construct against his own emotions will just come crashing down and he won't be able to do anything at all. He won't be able to think. He'll be helpless.

"Captain, perhaps you should…"

"I need to find the Gul," Jim repeats, and steps over the Glinns. "Take Bones' body back to the Enterprise. You don't need to see this."

"Captain…"

"Do you want me to make that an order, Commander?" Jim snarls, still refusing to turn around because he just can't.

"Jim. He's not dead."

Jim freezes in the doorway and his chest goes cold, shivers running down the back of his neck as his heart cries with relief but his head tells him that it's not possible. He still doesn't turn around, and he still doesn't let up on the dampener that he's put in his mind.

"Don't say that," he replies, and he's trying for a growl but it comes out broken and weak and pathetic, and he had to hold onto the doorjamb to steady himself. "They injected him with something. His frequency. Terminated. You saw like I did."

"The Cardassians must have somehow hacked into our systems and altered Doctor McCoy's frequency. Perfectly understandable – killing such a high-ranking officer is in no way advantageous to them. However pretending to kill him in order to make you agree to their demands is certainly in their line of thinking."

And then it's suddenly all too much and all too clinical, and an all-consuming wave of despair and hope and fear washes over Jim so hard that he falls against the wall and closes his eyes.

"Doctor McCoy is alive, Jim," Spock says, almost gently, and Jim opens his eyes. "Look."

Jim turns around.

The photon grenades explode a few minutes after they beam back to the Enterprise, Jim carrying the unconscious Bones even though he knows that Spock is far stronger and could easily manage the weight.

But Spock doesn't offer to.

The Cardassian ship burns and Jim doesn't flinch.

Several hours later, Jim wraps himself around Bones and kisses him urgently, rocking up against him with frantic hands as tears stream down his face and his whispers against Bones' neck.

IloveyouIloveyouIloveyouIloveyouneverleaveme.

"I won't," Bones gasps into his mouth, their bare chests sliding together as Jim presses even closer until there's no space between them and he feels as though he could sink into Bones. "I won't."

end.