So, um, hi.

First of all, I need to apologise for just leaving you all in the lurch. You all take the time to read and review and I just disappear. I'm so sorry, it was rude and unfair of me and I can only apologise again and again.

Second of all, I am actually going to finish this, I swear. I did actually think that it was going to be done by my birthday and I could move on and post other things and that would be that. Unfortunately, my life is complete shit right now.

I have mentioned before that I 'back problems' to put is mildly. It should have been sorted out by the 19th of December and I should have had my life. This is not the case. The steroids injected into my spine didn't kick and I am in serious amounts of pain again.

This thing is, when your back hurts (and your hip, and your thigh and your knee) eveyr sinlge movement hurts. There is no such thing as comfy. There is pain every minute of every hour of every day no matter where you are and it never stops. I cannot sit and therefore sturggle to type for long peroids of time - this, so far, has taken two sessions and you are going to have to pardon any typos as going back and fixing is just too much right now.

The worst thing is, I am alone. Always, constantly, alone. I have never been so lonely in my life and I honestly don't know how to cope. I've been feeling so utterly terrible for so long (physically and mentally) I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. All I can do is think and not even properly since there is either pain or painkillers blurring the world and it hurts. I'm so scared and so frustrated and so angry and I just can't do anything with it. I can't explain or vocalise it and everytime someone asks 'how are you?' I just want to scream and scream and scream.

My muse is dead. Just getting through every day and faking each smile and pretending all the time takes all my energy - I have nothing left, especially not for writing.

I'm lucky enough that a friend lives about five minutes away and she can get over to see me once a week, so in the resulting good mood I am getting something done, but it doesn't really last long, so I don't know how long.

Finally, I'm sorry once again and to everyone who's stuck with me, thank you from the bottom of my heart, you are amazing people and I will do my absolute best to get this done, I swear.

Also, to the people I know in real life, more specifically Hayley and Arika, since I told Sara most of this when sh was over last week (THANK YOU), I'm so sorry that I just stopped replying. Honestly, I just didn't (and don't) know what to say or talk about and I really don't want to talk about me or what I've been doing. I just want a bit of normality and I don't know how to find that or what to say anymore. You mean the world to me, you really do, I'm just so messed up in the head right now I've just been avoiding the world. I really will try and talk to you soon, I promise.

And to the people who reviewed and didn't get a reply: sorry. That's all I've got left and all I can say. I'm so sorry and thank you so much for reviewing, it actually made me smile for once.