I hate the night-time. Perhaps I wouldn't hate it so much if I were to actually sleep (which admittedly would be a good idea), but ever since then I found myself dropping into unconsciousness later and later each night, and eventually I was barely sleeping at all.

Ever since I fell in love with Yuuri, night-time has been my own personal Hell.

Believe me, I didn't want to fall in love with him, and I suppose it would be cliché to say that I couldn't help it. But I really couldn't. It's difficult to understand, especially to me. He was the child of a human, and hadn't even heard of Shin Mazoku until a few years ago. He had no intention of fulfilling his duties as Maou. He slacked off in his work, he was clumsy and hapless and a fool in every meaning of the word. Not to mention a terrible flirt.

But somewhere along the way that irritating voice of his got less and less irritating, and that ridiculous grin, when directed at me, made my breath catch in my throat, and that bright gaze would make my heart pound and my stomach turn somersaults, and even an accidental touch here or there was enough to make my cheeks burn.

I couldn't ignore it. Every day he was there, making me fall in love with him all over again. But every time I would fall just that little bit harder. And it always hurt when I hit the ground.

It was at night when that would happen. It was at night, when I would sneak into the bed Yuuri and I shared (long after Yuuri had fallen asleep, as he wasn't above trying to throw me out) that I would start to think.

Yuuri would never truly accept me as his fiancé. He couldn't. And how could I expect him to, really? He had grown up in a world where same-sex couples were regarded as taboo, and he could never forget that. He wouldn't let me forget it, either.

So I would get angry. I would get angry because that's what I do, I get angry. Because it's easier that getting hurt. I'd take rage over sorrow any day. It was the mask i presented to the world, because, at the end of it all, I was scared.

I was scared of showing how weak I could be. And all for Yuuri. Only for Yuuri. I'd spent so much time, so much effort, building up the barrier I used to shield myself against the things that I feared. And in only a short time Yuuri had managed to strip me of my armour completely, leaving me feeling as naked and vulnerable as a newborn child.

I remember reading one of Yuuri's human books once. A diary, by a girl who was strong and self-confident and determined... until she fell in love. Then, she willingly admitted she would cast off every shred of her pride to be with the boy she loved, that she surrendered herself completely to his will. I was disgusted. I ripped those few blasphemous pages out and tore them into confetti. Then I burned the entire book. I felt physically sick with the atrocious display of weakness and emotion the 'heroine' showed. And part of that sickness came from the fact that I could see myself in that sad, stupid, silly little girl. If I had just a little less self-control, I would have thrown myself before Yuuri like she said she would have liked to do. If I had less self-control. If.

I sighed and rolled over onto my side, examining the face of the person I loved lying there beside me. I smirked and rolled my eyes as I noticed the thin trail of saliva that had escaped his mouth and ran down his chin. He was so hopeless, even when he slept.

I prodded his shoulder. "Yuuri?" I whispered. "Yuuri?"

I was answered only with silence, save the sound of Yuuri's quiet snores. Having double checked he was fast asleep, I slowly inched closer to him until my body was pressed completely against his and I could feel the warmth of him beside me. He squirmed and snorted in his sleep, and I froze. He would go crazy if he woke up to find me so close. The stupid wimp- we were engaged, we were supposed to do stuff like this. So why did he have to make me feel so guilty every time I did?

Yuuri's head lolled to one side and he quietened down. I breathed a silent sigh of relief. I raised my head and shuffled closer to him, laying my head on his chest. I loved lying like this. I never thought I'd grow to love a human's scent so much. Every time he was close to me I had to resist the urge to bury my face in his clothes and breathe him in.

His heartbeat sounded so wonderful against my ear. The slow, steady rhythm was almost comforting to me. Not that I needed comforting.

Yuuri squirmed again, and his left arm moved to hook around my waist and pull me closer to him.

"Wimp," I muttered. Sometimes he would hold me close like that, and it really wasn't fair of him to do so if he had no intention of reciprocating my feelings. It wasn't right of him to give me false hope and make me feel so happy. It just made it all the more painful in the morning when he would leap away from me in disgust.

It wasn't that he was being deliberately hurtful or cruel. I knew that. It was just that Yuuri, as he'd told me on more occasions than was necessary, liked girls. The whole idea seemed stupid to me, but Yuuri had rules for falling in love that he would follow to his death. And those rules made sure I was kept solely at arm's length.

I had often wondered to myself (I had never asked Yuuri outright, it would be far too undignified), if I was a woman, would Yuuri consider falling in love with me? There was no doubt that we were close. We were easily close enough to ensure that, had Yuuri or I been female, we would have at least considered a relationship.

I remember one night I had pondered this conundrum far too much, to the point where it clouded my judgement and reasoning.

It was my mother's birthday, and as she was the former Maou, a celebration was held, to which nobles from across the land were invited to. Within the first five minutes of the party Yuuri had assured me no less than ten times that he would definitely not be dancing with me at any point in the evening.

So, for over three hours I sat on one of the chairs that lined the banquet hall and seethed as I was forced to endure my shameless fiancé allowing himself to be seduced by any cheap harlot who happened to take a liking to him. As if he couldn't see that they were only interested in him because of his status! I bit the insides of my cheeks raw trying to stop myself from shouting something out or marching out onto the dance floor and dragging him away by his ear. It was mother's night, after all, and I had sworn (after a little 'persuasion') to Gwendal and Conrad that I would not spoil it for her, no matter what happened. They must have know something like that was going to happen.

It was impossible to endure such torture alone, so I had a glass of wine to calm my spirits. And of course, one glass turned into two, then three, and eventually I had lost count of just how much I had drank. Looking back it couldn't have been more than four or five glasses, but I was unused to alcohol, and drinking so much at once was bound to dull my mind a little.

The room was spinning, but I still managed to find Yuuri amongst the blurs. He was dancing with a girl who I'd never seen before, and it looked as if he'd just stepped on her foot. Typical, I thought. The both of them burst out laughing and Yuuri said something, though thanks to the distance between us and my fuzzy head I couldn't make out what it was. Then the girl leaned forward and whispered something in his ear, and he blushed.

I couldn't take it any more. To flatly reject me before the party had even started was one thing, but then to flirt so openly with a girl he had known not even a day was just too much. I had known Yuuri for years, and yet he would no doubt still retch at the thought of doing that with me. It wasn't fair. All I could think was that if I was a girl, Yuuri would give me a chance. If I was a girl, Yuuri would love me. If I was a girl. If I was... If...

I got up from my seat and marched out of the room, wobbling slightly from the effects of the alcohol. Amongst such a large crowd, nobody noticed I had gone.

I staggered past my room and into the en suite bathroom, where I promptly emptied the contents of my stomach into the toilet. I dragged myself to my feet and saw my reflection in the mirror. I was ghostly white, and vomit dribbled down my chin and stuck in flecks to my hair. I had to turn away, ashamed of myself for letting Yuuri get to me so.

And when I did, that was when I saw my belt from the previous day hung up on the back of the door, a small dagger still in its sheath attached to the side.

In that moment I was as near to crazy as I ever had been. The mixture of alcohol and Yuuri's constant rejections had pushed me too far, and all I could think about was that girl who Yuuri embraced so easily, and if I was a girl, then maybe he would do the same to me.

With shaking hands I took the dagger from the belt and wandered dazedly back into Yuuri and I's bedroom. I sat down on the bed and quickly stripped myself of all my clothes- I didn't want them getting in the way. I spread my legs and took a deep breath.

Then I took the blade in my hand and I tried to cut away the cause of Yuuri's hatred of me.

Even in my drunken state it hurt. It hurt so much that my hands started shaking violently and went weak in a natural attempt to stop me causing myself more pain. But my love for Yuuri was far stronger than my love of comfort, or even my pride. I bit my lip and steadied my hand and carried on slicing, tears of pain pouring down my cheeks and blood staining my hands a sickening scarlet.

Somewhere along the way the pain became too much and I blacked out. I only came to when I heard the latching noise of the door opening.

"Wolf?"

It was Yuuri.

"Wolf, I'm sorry. Come back to the party," he said apologetically. My back was facing him, and he couldn't see the knife or the blood. "Hey, don't ignore me! I said I was sorry..."

There was a pause. "Wolfram?" Yuuri sounded worried now. "I-I'm not going over there until you put some clothes on. Wolfram?"

But when I still didn't reply, he did come over to me. I heard him squeak when he saw the state of me, though I couldn't see his face as my own eyes were fixed on my bloody lap. I raised my head slowly to look at him, fresh tears welling in my eyes.

Yuuri's mouth opened and closed ineffectively, like a goldfish. The only noise he could make was a faint, whispery whimper. He reached out his hand to touch my bare shoulder, and as he did so I could see him shaking.

"What have you done?" he whispered, horrified. He was looking at me with even less understanding than before, and all I could do was think how unfair it all was. He didn't like me as a man, but he didn't want me to be a woman either. I couldn't win.

I burst into tears.

Yuuri immediately reached forwards and took me in his arms, holding me close. I wept uncontrollably into him chest, no longer caring about anything. My dignity, my pride- they no longer mattered to me. All that mattered was Yuuri.

"Shh, Wolfram, shh, it'll be okay," Yuuri said, though I could hear the panic in his voice, and it sounded as if he was crying, too. "G-Gunter! Gisela!"

"No!" I gasped suddenly, grabbing his arm. "D-Don't tell... Please don't tell..." I didn't want anyone else to know the depths to which my love for Yuuri had driven me.

"But I have to," Yuuri whispered. Tears had escaped his eyes and were dribbling down his face. "You're... Wolfram, you're..."

I shook my head. "Please, Yuuri."

Yuuri looked at me with such hurt in his face, but he did not utter another word. Instead he gathered up some of the sheets that were bunched around me and dabbed gingerly at my thighs, stomach and between my legs, cleaning away as much blood as he could. He took off his jacket and carefully draped it around my shivering shoulders in an attempt to protect what little dignity I had left.

Then he took the knife from me and guided my hands away from where they lay limp. His hand replaced mine between my legs and he gently felt me all over, checking the severity of my injuries. I gasped and twitched as his bare fingers touched my open wounds, and each time he apologised sincerely. He was sobbing as he checked me. It was as if he knew that it was all for him.

"Ugh," I shook my head violently, trying to shake away the shameful memory. I had to let it go. I couldn't change the past, and I would forever bear the scars of what I did. Why did I insist on dwelling on it?

"Stupid Yuuri!" I said aloud, and I punched his shoulder without realising. Yuuri jumped- and opened his eyes.

"W-Wolfram?" he said sleepily, blinking at me with confusion in his eyes.

"Shut up," I mumbled, feeling my cheeks light up like a fire. I was still snuggled up against him, and his arm was still hanging loosely around my waist.

Yuuri yawned and turned over to face me. He wrapped both his arms around me and hugged me close to his chest. "Goodnight..." he whispered, and promptly fell back into the land of nod.

And I knew he was only doing it because he was half asleep. And I knew he wouldn't have done that if he was in a conscious state of mind. And I knew that come morning he would push me away and deny ever having held me like this.

But I wasn't ready of let go of Yuuri just yet.

So for now, I would just let myself enjoy the moment.

--

Why does every YuuRam I write turn out tragic? I mean, seriously, YuuRam is one of those pairings that is just made for cuteness and comedy, and yet I have to turn it into something like this.

We all know how much Wolfram loves Yuuri, and having your hopes dashed time and time again has got to hurt. Wolfram doesn't often show this in the anime or manga- he's too proud to let it show. But when people are alone, a side that nobody else sees appears. I wrote this to show how loving someone can drive you insane, and for all those people who have ever fallen in love alone.

And just so you know, this will be a twoshot- the next chapter will be the same chain of events but from Yuuri's point of view. I know it seemed like he was being inconsiderate during the flashback, but that was because it was from Wolfram's viewpoint. You see, Wolfram isn't being intolerant with Yuuri- he genuinely believes that Yuuri flirts with others. I think that shows his insecurity, in a way.

I'm sorry if I made Wolfram a little OOC- I wanted to show his inner thoughts and emotions, but maybe I did that so dramatically that it made it difficult to see him thinking it...

Please read and review- I'd love to hear what you think! I hope to have the next chapter up soon.