Hey. Baaack.

So, I've completed my two year mission, and now i'm writing stories and looking for jobs. So here's something for you.

Shout Huzzah for RWC for getting the plans together.

[ PLEASE INSERT DISC 2 OF 4 ]

[ WOULD YOU LIKE TO SAVE THE GAME? ]

[ SAVING, PLEASE DON'T TURN OFF THE POWER ]

[ GAME SAVED ]

[ LOADING DISC 2 OF 4 ]

[ P2 START ]

{/\}

{ The Day Someone Else Got To Narrate }

{\/}

The first thing I noticed was the pain.

Hiiiii paain.

[ Aaand so we find our heroine lying passed out on some floor wrapped up in blankets ]

Oh. You again?

[ Well, it's a pretty sweet gig I've got here, even if I have to put up with your inane antics ]

Lovely to see you to.

[Well, one of us has to narrate this story. ]

How much are you getting paid for this anyways?

[ Sometimes? Not enough, but the job comes with good dental. ]

Jerk.

Still, decided to open my eyes. Can't hurt to follow the helpful boxes in your head now, can't it?

Blink.

I see the light.

IT BURRRNS!

[ Well, you've been out for a couple of weeks now. ]

Well lah-dee-dah mister 'You're the narrator'! Thought you didn't know anything!

[ Hot girl, three O'clock. ]

YES!

Tilted my head to see a very fine specimen wearing a lovely blue kimono... thingy. Looser than a kimono, but definitely Wutai lady clothing.

Looks good.

Lady in question had black hair to her chin, and that neckline is soooo gooood.

[ And yet, you let Biggs get away with it. ]

I have nothing against the man.

"You're awake." The fine lady said- oh.

"Morning." I grunted, forcing myself up, much to Yuffie's concern.

"Don't hurt yourself!" She shouted, gently moving to push me back down. "You're still wounded."

Well maybe if you actually learned how to use cure materia then we wouldn't have this problem.

Although... this whole room looks far too... wooden to be Rocket Town.

That's where we were regrouping, right?

"Yuffie..?" I asked carefully. "Where are we, and where is the rest of the team?"

She looked off to the side.

"Wutai." She answered hesitantly. "And we're the only survivors."

I shook my head. Part shock, part disbelief.

Cloud's too damn strong to just die like that.

[ Even with that Zero guy chasing them? ]

"What happened?" I asked through clenched teeth, ignoring the yellow boxes for once.

Lois, one of Vincent's girls, Yuffie, me and the big robot were running through the forest. Yep, remember that bit.

Yeah...

Then Lois' head exploded.

So I caught the UZ clone's neck with my sword and his head went flying.

Yep, remember that bit.

Then Cait Sith crossed his wrists and danced like he was on a horse, a dozen or so UZ clones behind him doing a similar dance only they were swinging an invisible lasso above their heads.

[ I don't remember that part. ]

Hey, my memories, I can make insert whatever inane fictional events I want.

[ Narrators don't lie to the audience, unless the author's leading them on a red herring. ]

FIIIIIIINE. YOU SET THE SCENE.

[ Ahem. ]

[ And so our heroes, Yuffie, Cait Sith and Elfé, turned to face the enemies that had already taken the life of their apron-clad ally. ]

[ Though outnumbered, the brave three fought valiantly against the innumerable foe. ]

[ Blades and bullets danced, shredding infected flesh with each movement in this symphony of death that played through the tranquil forest on this moonlight night. ]

[ In this romantic atmosphere, a romance began to blossom... ]

[ When tragically, our princess succumbed to the fatigue of the battle and was struck down by the foul knave in the dark armour, blood flying from the wound in her chest. ]

[ Elfé, vision blurring, fighting for breath, avenged herself with her sword, cleaving through the glass, flesh, and bone of her assassin's head. ]

Alright, enough remarks against my gender. "Yuffie?" I asked.

"You went down, and we continued to fight." Yuffie explained. "But it quickly became apparent that we would be unable to hold the line for the immediate future, so Cait Sith provided an alternative."

"Get to da choppa." Cait Sith ordered, dropping his empty gun and pulling a large object from his torso.

Yuffie recognised the explosive components of the device. "Is that..?"

"Take Da He-She and get outta here." The machine warrior snapped. "GO! I Will Follow."

Yuffie didn't need to be told twice, picking up the limp body of Elfé as Cait raised his arms, more guns slotting out of the extended limbs.

Now to buy time before detonating this thing.

"I was shaken by the explosion, even from the other side of the mountain." Yuffie explained. "I wouldn't be surprised if that caused a landslide blocking the pathway to Rocket Town, but we had no choice. Cait Sith made it here afterwards, but his skin was obliterated, so he looks like a robot skeleton what the moment."

Well, that's what happens when you go about LETTING OFF NUKES!

[ Now now, I highly doubt that your friends would actually detonate a nuclear device and still live to tell you about it. ]

AND THEY DID IT WITHOUT ME.

"Have you tried contacting the others?" I asked Yuffie, who nodded her head.

"There's been no response." She reported. "Tseng is looking into it. There are signs of combat in a few places."

"Bodies?" I asked, getting another nod.

"Any of ours?" I clarified.

"Yasu was found dead." Yuffie reported. "A lot of Aeris's blood was found nearby, but her body was removed."

Anyone I actually care about?

"Anyone else?" I said instead.

"No." She replied. "We got lucky."

"You doubt they survived?" I asked her. Thought she was ninja?

"We only survived ourselves because Cait Sith had that bomb and we fled across the sea." Yuffie explained. "I don't see how they could have survived."

...

I laughed.

Laughing hurts ribs.

"Get some rest." Yuffie ordered, pushing me back into a horizontal position. "I'll tell the doctor you're awake."

I smiled instead.

Only two bodies out of thirteen casualties?

[ Conventional fictional trope. Until the body has been identified, no one is dead. And even then, that's a shaky subject. ]

Narration box.

[ Hmm? ]

Start a bookies. I'm betting Vincent's gonna show up within a week.

Next day, I was upright and getting a guided tour of Wutai with a still-kimono-clad Yuffie.

It was niiiiiiiice.

Oooh, sword shop.

Which reminds me,

"Hey, Yuffie." I asked, looking at the Katana shop. "What happened to my broadsword?"

"Left it inside a corpse." She replied. "Do you want me to get you a replacement?"

I patted myself down, finding my wallet.

"Nah, I got it." I told her, walking in. "I was considering a change-up anyways.'

"Well hellooooooo ladies." The man inside the shop leered. "What can I help you to beauties with today?"

I ignored him, looking around the place until I found some things I liked.

Grabbing two Katana, I looked through the harnesses, trying to find one that'd have room for handguns.

"Sorry miss, but that's the men's section..." The man laughed.

"I'm a guy." I replied, finding one in nice brown leather that was roughly my size. "These three for 300 Gil."

The man laughed. "Not a chance, woman!" He shouted. "The harness alone is worth a thousand!"

[ Try using your sex appeal. ]

That's the most retarded thing I have ever-

No, that'd be that time Barret said-

Actually, it'd be that time Barret found that chicken-

No, no, It has to be when Barret decided that lemon was a code word for-

No, decided. Most retarded thing ever is this guy right in front of me.

This might even work.

"Five hundred for the lot and I'll take my shirt off."

Yuffie's head snapped towards me.

Guy's jaw dropped.

[ Oooh, that's bold. ]

"Everything waist up, on the floor." I told the man, shrugging my jacket off and holding up the bag of cash. "Sold?"

The freak was salivating. "S-SOLD!" He laughed, taking the money gleefully. "NOW STRIP!"

I smirked, reaching down for my shirt.

Hey, Yuffie's getting into this too.

Yeah man, she wants me.

[ Hurry up and get this show on the road! ]

I put my new finds on the floor, then gripped the edge of my shirt.

"Pleasure doing business with you." I told the man, lifting my shirt over my head to reveal the manliest torso in the city.

Guy nearly passed out.

Yeah man. Check out these abs. I am so ripped.

"Hey, wanna see the pec dance?" I laughed, picking my stuff off the ground.

Man, this whole androgyny thing has its advantages.

"T-trap..." the shop owner mumbled, head on the desk as I reclothed myself.

I slid the two swords into the harness, slinging my jacket over my shoulder as I walked out with a smile on my face.

Love what you do and you'll never work a day in your life.

"Excellent display, bravo." A shirtless man outside the shop applauded. "Of course, a gentleman such as I would never be deceived enough to doubt your masculinity, but such a technique is truly effective against less eloquently alert Heterosapiens."

[ Ah poo. ]

"Vincent." I smiled. "It would appear that the accounts of your demise were exaggerated somewhat. You just won me a bet."

"Glad to be of service." Vincent bowed, letting the three geisha continue rubbing him. "But one should never leave a shop without a lady friend, regardless of how long she has been torn between the painful, heart-wrenching decision, between the dazzling carmine scarf, or the sumptuous chestnut one."

I turned around, and, sure enough, Yuffie was blue-screening in shock, stood motionless inside the weapon shop.

I tend to have that effect on people.

"After dropping Barret and miss Lockhart in Rocket Town, Biggs and I noticed quite a commotion on the other side of the mountain, so naturally we travelled over the unscalable peaks to investigate the matter of the explosion." Vincent explained once we were in the inn, Yuffie recovered from my incredible handsomeness. "We found young Miss Shelke, who was travelling with Zack and miss Aeris, under the charge of Yasu. Unfortunately, Yasu had fallen to the hands of those vile knaves, and not even a down of phoenix, or my incredible smile could bring her back from the lifestream's embrace."

He rubbed the head of the woman who was... I suppose applying would be the best word- applying herself to Vincent's torso. She looked up at him. "Is something wrong, sir?"

"Yes, but you are performing wonderfully." He smiled at her. "Please, continue lying on my torso as you are."

She sighed.

Some clients have the weirdest things, and she's even on the strict 'No hanky-panky' plan.

Well, she supposed that she was paid for the hanky, but she always made it very clear that she was not contractually obligated for any panky.

Mind you, maybe for this one...

She shook her head clear of that one. She was NOT going down THAT career path.

She's here to stand there and look pretty, nothing creepy.

Although in this instance it's Lie down on guy's torso and look pretty.

Seriously. weirdos.

And since when can I read people's minds?

[ Narrator's privileges. ]

Sick, how does it work?

[ Whenever it helps the narrative, but not the actual plot, progress. ]

That sucks.

"So, where was I..?" Vincent pondered. "Ah yes. I considered making myself cry to revive poor Yasu with my tears, but crying could be construed as unmanly by those who have yet to understand the concept of manly tears, so I was physically unable to bring myself to do so. The same events happened as we discovered what was left of Lois's body."

Ah. That was us. Whoops?

"We were carrying the distraught Shelke with us, who told us of the unfortunate manner that miss Aeris was killed, another tragedy for the ages." Vincent continued, looking mournful. "She told also of how Zack wept bitter tears over her, clutching her beautiful dead body and the remains of her violently ejected heart as both of them were consumed by the darkest flames of the blackest abyss. Shelke also reported that the eyes in the fires blinked at her, but that is clearly the figment of a scarified and deranged mind, as fire is blind, and relies on its acute sense of smell to interpret its surroundings."

Right, okay. Fire's a living organism now. Who knew?

"At this point, however, I began to suffer from an attack of my condition." Vincent continued. "It had been several hours since I last had a beautiful woman touch my skin, and I began to convulse violently and break into a deadly fever."

Wait, what?

"I could not ask Shelke for her assistance, as though she is a beautiful and mature young woman in mind and soul, her physical body is, unfortunately, that of a very young teenage girl, one too young to allow myself to take advantage of, despite the very critical nature of my illness." Vincent continued, "Thankfully, Biggs alerted me to the presence of a wonderful society of astonishingly attractive women located not far from our then-current position, on an island several miles sail away from our seaside surroundings."

"Fighting the fever, I did what any man would have done to preserve my life." Vincent said, looking down with a sigh. "I quickly fashioned a boat out of the nearby stone and dirt, using braided grass as rope, and my own teeth as saws. Having fashioned this ship, I traded it with a local trader in order to obtain a small biplane. Tearing the aircraft into raw materials with my own feet, I then proceeded to artifice a crude pickaxe from the raw materials, and began digging a tunnel to this wonderous cornucopia of beauty and attractiveness, where with my dashing good looks and my skill in finding men who appear not to be men revealing themselves to be men indeed, I was able to reunite this party of ours."

"That is good to hear." I said, completely ignoring his complete and utter insanity. "Where are Biggs and Shelke now?"

"I believe Biggs had to visit the local leaders for some mysterious purpose, perhaps one revealing a dark and painful backstory that we may never know the full details of, and we introduced Shelke to the very capable supervision of the musical professionals of the current vicinity." Vincent smiled. "I know no better cure for battle trauma than the wonders of enthusiastic musical talent."

...

Great.

I stood to my feet. "Vincent, I'm currently leading the party." I told him. "We're to regroup this evening at Yuffie's quarters, Where we'll make plans on what to do. I intend to regroup with Cloud's party in Rocket Town, departing first thing tomorrow morning. Will you join us?"

"I will more than happily join your entourage." Vincent confirmed. "In fact, my heart leaps within my bosom at the thought, that I, handsomely incredible though I am, might have the honour of travelling with one such as yourselves. And this heart leaping has nothing to do with the fine medical service this beautiful and patient medical person is offering me this very moment."

That's my cue to leave.

And eventually, I found Cait Sith. "Hey." I said, waving him down.

"You appear to be recovered." He nodded towards me.

Dang he looks creepy with those red eyes.

"Yes." I nodded. "We're going to start our journey towards Rocket Town tomorrow morning. Will you be travelling with us?"

"I would be most happy to." Cait Sith nodded, turning back to the repair of his firearms.

He looks so weird now. Like, silver skeleton, glowing red eyes, leather jacket, leather trousers, big thick leather boots, and random cat ears with a crown between them on his head.

Cait Sith, you really freak me out.

[ This coming from the trap. ]

Shut it.

"I'm happy to have you on board." I told him, turning to leave. "Meet us at Yuffie's tomorrow morning."

"Dat I will do." He said, nodding again. "Ah look forward do it."

[ P1 START]

You know, I am sick of watching reruns from this bed.

Even with Tifa nursing me every day, it's kinda hard to make the most of being the wounded soldier when Sephy wants in.

And another death threat to the world from Wedge-turned Chaos is on the news, shouting at how he's gonna kill everyone if he doesn't get Unit Zero's head on a plate.

Sigh.

At least it can't get any worse.

"Pour in a cuppa flowers...~" A familiar voice sang off-key from the floor beneath us. "Ye'll be in 'eaven swoon..."

Oh great.

"Bees? BEEES?!

Barret's arrived.

"SPYDAAAAAAAHHHSSS!"

-}+{-

Yes. We are back, though I need betas.

Who want to volunteer to be beta? Anyone?