After the Boom
by Andressa Casale
Disclaimer: I don't own Lost, I wrote this for my fun only.
Rating: Rated T for some strong language.
Author's Note: This is my first attempt at a comedy fic, I'm not sure if my comic timing is good or totally off. But I had fun writing it, so I decided to share. I hope you like it and have a good laugh. Remember this is a crackfic based on characters stereotypes, don't blame me if it is a little OOC. Also, I'm not a native English speaker, and this fiction has not been proof read. I did my best to keep this as flawless as possible.
6.01 - Oh, the Reset!
Juliet is dragged into the sawn hole by metal chains wrapped around her waist, she falls really high, but surprisingly enough, she doesn't die! Apparently the island is not done with her yet, so she wakes up the same way Locke did when his daddy threw him out of a window after John gave him his kidney.
She sees the bomb, that should be set off by impact, but just like Juliet, the bomb fell down the hatch without detonating. Juliet knows she has a purpose, she picks up a black rock and hits the nuke with it, but it still doesn't go off, she hits it a few more time getting anxious, then after yelling her boyfriend's favorite curse, "come one, you sonovabitch!" The bomb explodes bringing brightness with it.
After the brightness is gone Jack wakes up in the middle of a bamboo jungle completely unharmed except for the wound on his back that Kate needs to stitch up. He hears a piercing shriek and runs to the beach. He finds Locke, Kate, Sawyer and Sayid talking he goes over to them.
Jack: What happened?
Sawyer: Your plan didn't go so well, Jackass!
Locke: The island told me that when Juliet detonated the bomb we were flashed back in time.
Sayid: I believe I can explain what is happening. Your attempt to set things straight, Jack, has tempered with causality. You see, in order for Juliet to have been able to blow up the island, John would have to have turned the wheel. But if the island was exploded in the seventies, then it was as if flight 815 never crashed. If we never have crashed, then John never turned the wheel, and therefore Juliet was never sent to the past and she never exploded the island.
Sawyer [snarling]: So basically what Aladdin on Drugs has just said is that your plan was stupid and I was right!
Michael: WALT! WALLLLLLLTT!!
Jack [to Kate]: For the love of Jacob! What the hell happened to set off Michael now? Please even Shannon's annoying shriek is better than this.
Michael [coming over]: My son is gone, they took my boy!
Kate [worried]: No, this is not right. Walt isn't going to get kidnapped until the end of this season, if we are in a loop then why is Walt missing?
Michael: I don't care, they took my boy!! WAAAAAAAALLLLLLLTTTTTTT!
Locke [Looking at Michael, with a glare that says he knows more about the island than Michael does.]: I'm sure the reason why Walt is missing is because he is special!
Sawyer: And what Taller-Ghost-Walt here means is that Malcolm David Kelley is seventeen years old now, and there is no way Carlton can come up with any explanation of why a ten year old boy has a five o'clock shadow in the end of the day, so they have him missing and will later come up with a crap about him being special!
Kate: Oh, ok, that explains it. I just assumed the smoke monster had eaten him instead of the pilot this time. I mean, just because we are in a loop doesn't mean things will go the way they did before, does it?
Sawyer [Looking Kate up and down]: I don't know freckles, how about you and I go look for a case and see if this time we find it while we are skinny dipping?
Kate: You sure know how to make a girl feel special, Sawyer!
Sayid: See, we are already turning to the scripts of first season, this is a proof that we truly are in a loop.
Locke: And you're wrong, Kate, you are the fugitive horse whispering monkey girl who climbs trees, Walt is the special one.
Michael: WAAALLLLTTTT!!!
Sawyer: Enough with Walt already, Daddy!
Michael [grabbing Sawyer by the shirt]: But they took my son!
Sawyer: Man, you're like a damn broken record!
Michael [to Jack]: You have to help me find my boy.
Jack: Michael is right, we need to find out what's happening.
Sawyer: Now, wait a second, before we go around looking for Nemo again. May I remind you last time we followed this Broken Record through the jungle, he had killed Ana Lulu and Moonbeam, and had led us into a trap.
Locke: James is right, there's no point in going around looking for Walt, he is…
Kate, Sawyer, Jack and Sayid [bored to death]: Yeah, yeah… He is special!
Locke: Well, Walt will be fine, and he won't be around for three years until he can pass it out as a teenager. In the meanwhile, Michael, stay alert for whispers in the jungle, they usually bring Walt, and also, if you really miss him ask the writers for some flash forwards.
Flashback and Flash forward tune plays as the camera closes up on Michael. It flashes to Walt and Michael walking around Manhattan, Michael is boring his son with some architect bullshit regarding the empire state building. Broken record sound effect plays and it flashes back to the island.
Jack [to Michael, angry]: What are you doing? You can't have a flash forward, this is my episode!
Michael: Sorry, man, I just really miss my boy. I guess I'll have to wait for next episode then?
Kate: Not really, next episode is Kate centric, and I'm pretty sure the next after that will be Juliet's, we always have episodes close together. And besides, you had an episode two weeks ago, everyone knows only A-team members have more than one episode per season!
Michael: That episode was a rerun, it doesn't count. You people are really ungrateful. I started working for Ben just to help you out. I died in an explosion so you Oceanic Six could get off the island safely. And all I get are insults and nicknames.
Sawyer: I got an idea for you, Mickey. Go yell Short Round's name in the jungle, maybe Smokey will hear ya and manifest him for ya!
Michael [happier]: Good idea, man! *walks into the jungle* WAAAAAAALLLLLT!
Sayid: If we're lucky he'll get caught in one of Danielle's trap.
Sawyer: Ok, one problem down, next! We need to go rescue Juliet.
Locke: No, we need to find Jacob, there's something I need to do.
Sawyer [angry]: What do you mean no?! If it wasn't for Jack, Juliet and I would be rich and out of the island right about now. But, no, now she is over at Otherville, and Captain Bunny Killer must have his ugly bug eyes all over her!
Locke: And if it wasn't for Jack, the something I need to do to Jacob would be already done. *Locke turns to Jack* That's what we are supposed to do, Jack! We're supposed to go find Jacob, the island told me!
Jack: Sorry, John. I know I felt guilty about not having believed you and I even gave you my daddy's shoes. But since we're back at first season, I haven't grown a beard yet and I'm not stoned on pills so this crap about destiny still doesn't make sense to me. Now I'm back to being the man of science leader of the castaways, and you'll be creepy man of faith.
Sayid: Yes, John, so why don't you go ask Boone if he wants to be a sacrifice the island demanded, this way he'll leave me and Shannon alone.
Kate: Oh, and give people that orange smile. This will help you look creepy. *"Or stupid," Kate thinks!*
Jack: Yeah, maybe Boone will want to go with you. We are going to the Barracks, to help get Juliet back. But first we'll get to the tail section crash site, to get Ana Lucia to help us.
Kate: Yeah, I'm sure Mr. Eko can helps us too, he's really strong! *Kate drifts away thinking about Mr. Eko shirtless.*
Jack: Ok, so that's it. Sayid, you go find U.S. Marshall's gun he keeps on his ankle holster and the keys for the case which are in his wallet. Sawyer you go find his case.
Sawyer and Sayid leave.
Kate: And what are we supposed to do, Jack?
Jack: First, you still have to sew my back. It wouldn't be lost if I didn't tell you the story about the time I learned to count to five.
---------------
Jack gathers everyone around the island to make a speech.
Jack: Ok, we know that there has been a reset. But if we don't live together, we are going to die alone all over again. *Neil raises his hands* Yes, Frogurt?
Neil [angry]: It's Neil! You're telling me that I have lived on this island for three months, that I have travelled back and forth in time, that I have been shot in the chest with a flaming arrow, and that you people have blown up a hydrogen bomb. And you still can't come up with something better than live together die alone?!
Locke [speaking lowly]: Hey, Boone, want to come with me on a walkabout.
Boone: No way! You're not gonna sacrifice me to the island again! I'm not Isaac, and you're not Abraham, and boars are certainly not sheep!
Shannon: What is up with your creepy boyfriend now?
Boone: He wants me to go explore the jungle with him.
Shannon: Ew, spare me with the details of your kinky sex life!
Boone: You're so self-centered, you stupid little bitch, you know that?
Shannon: Whatever, I liked it better when you were dead, they wrote me better dialogues, now I have to go back to being a bimbo again.
Boone [to Locke]: Ok, let's go on this stupid journey before you tie me up in the jungle to get over my baggage.
Shannon [leaving]: Ew, ew, ew… I said I didn't want to hear about you sick sex games!
---------------
Hours later Jack, Kate, Sawyer and Sayid are talking, Jack is opening the case and passing the guns out when Hurley and Charlie come over.
Sawyer: Well, well, well, what have we got here, it's Laurel and Hardy.
Charlie: I heard you are going to go rescue Juliet, I want to come.
Jack: How many times do I have to explain to you people? Charlie, just because you drowned on the looking glass station it doesn't make you part of A-team.
Charlie: But Juliet is the one who came up with the drug to help Claire, right? I wanna make sure nothing happens to her, ok?
Hurley: Yeah, dudes I wanna go too, I like miss Libby and stuff.
Charlie [pissed]: You can't come, Hurley!
Hurley [hurt]: Why not?
Charlie: You're too big! You won't fit in the A-team!
Hurley: You're wrong, Dude. Tell him, Jack, tell him that I am more A-team material than he is. Tell him that when Locke turned the wheel the island begun to move back and forth in time and stuff. But we like weren't on the radios, and the island simply disappeared, so we got recued by Penny, and we became the Oceanic Six. The people who got left behind, kept moving in time and had nose bleeds. And the writers had to like come up with new characters, which didn't leave much screen time to the rest of the castaways so they like killed all the extras back in the 50's in a flaming arrow shooting at the beach camp!
Charlie: Hurley, you lost me on "Dude"!
Hurley[ignoring him and going on with his story]: And then when we came back Sawyer was actually LaFleur, they had been living on the seventies for three years, and Jack wanted to blow up the island and stuff. Where were you when all of that happened, Charlie?
Charlie: I was bloody visiting you in the mental institution, you lunatic.
Sawyer: Hey, no nicknames, that's part of MY job description!
Sayid: This argument is irrelevant, since Juliet detonated the bomb we were sent back to season one, and at that time A-team was Jack, Kate, Sawyer, Locke and me, and that's why they only wrote five guns. And since Locke is out looking for Jacob, Jack should decide which one of you can come.
Sawyer: What do you mean Jack should decide, I thought I was the one who called the shots now!
Kate: I vote for Charlie, if he doesn't make it into A-team now, the writers will eventually kill him off. If that happens Dominic and I won't be able to make out between takes. *Kate winks at Charlie and he smirks at her.*
Jack [realizing just now]: Locke went to find Jacob! This can't be good. We have to stop him.
Sayid: Don't worry, he'll probably be on an accident and break his leg, or something to do with his lower limbs. It will take a good half a season before he reaches the statue, we can be back by then.
Desmond [who comes running from the jungle]: You can't go, Charlie, you're gonna die, brotha!
Sawyer: Jesus! Where the hell did Precognitive Loch Ness Monster came from?
Desmond: I was sleeping with Penny in my arms, and then when I wake up I'm back at this sodding island!
Charlie [bored]: Tell me, mate, how am I going to die this time?
Desmond: You are going to be running in the jungle then you're going to trip and fall, and then you die!
Kate: So what's new? Every episode someone falls while running through the jungle, especially if it's Hurley who is running.
Hurley: Because I'm heavy and I get cramps! *Everyone stares at Hurley in silence, crickets are chirping.*
Sawyer: The world y'all are looking for is… Anyway… Are we going to go rescue Juliet or aren't we?
Jack: All right… Desmond, you stay here and watch Charlie.
Desmond: Aye!
Jack: Hurley, you can come with us!
Hurley [giving Jack a polar bear hug and lifting him off his feet]: Thank you, dude!
Desmond: Come on brotha, I'll take care of you.
Charlie [annoyed]: Why do you care so much?
Desmond: Because I love you, brotha, I even named my son after you.
Charlie [shocked]: Des, have you been playing with Virgin Marry statues that John hid on the armory of the hatch?
Desmond [ignoring Charlie's question]: Let's go Charlie, good luck to you on your A-mission. See you in another life!
Charlie and Desmond leave.
Sawyer: Good riddance to you too, brotha from anotha motha!
---------------
After A-team left to go on their glorious A-mission, Charlie got a little bored and took Desmond out for a walk.
Charlie: We are almost there, mate.
Desmond: Where are you taking me, brotha?
Charlie: By the way you were acting earlier I thought you might like it. *They arrive at the place that the Nigerian beach craft crashed.* Here we are!
Desmond: What's so great about this place?
Charlie [excited]: Up there on that beach craft there is a stash of Virgin Mary Statues to last for a bloody lifetime! *Desmond is silent as if having flashes* Come on, let's go! *Charlie starts to climb*
Desmond: I'm not sure that's such a good idea. I just saw you climb up that cliff, get inside the beach craft, then it falls and you die!
Charlie: You're having a flash about the wrong midget, mate, wrong midget!