Disclaimer: All the characters from Twilight belong to Stephenie. I'm borrowing them and making them my puppets. Oh how I love them. *pulls on strings*

If you don't like boy/boy-action or aren't old enough to buy porn, stop reading right now. Thanks.

AN: You can find the AN from the bottom of the page.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Comfort In Pain

I was sitting there, somewhere in Northern Europe, maybe Sweden, or was it Finland? Some remote corner of the world if you looked at the map from my point of view. My home was so very far from here and my mind was full of sorrow.

I sat on the roof of the hotel we were staying at. I wasn't homesick, I was writhing in my own personal hell for a whole other reason. I inhaled the cool night air and took a drag from my cigarette before pulling my leather jacket closer to me. I could see my breath in the dim lights of the city and I smiled at the thought a bit: at home it was still warm at this time of the year.

Touring with the band was fun for the most part. These months and months of being away from what I called home was not fun though. I wanted to crawl in to my own bed to be miserable for a change, instead of these endless hotel rooms.

I inhaled, realised it was one of those shaky post-crying breaths I was so used to by now. That annoyed me. He didn't deserve my tears.

See, I had been doing this for years now. Our band was quite successful. We all made a living from it. It was five of us and two had a family back in the States. I was single and in love with our lead singer who was single and straight. The fifth guy was a womanizer.

We all loved each other, we had to if we meant to tour the world like this. Still I always felt like being the odd man out in the group. I was the only one who liked men, the others were all straight. We had all made a conscious decision to not hide ourselves. So I was openly gay to our fans and even though some of the fans who tried to get in to my pants were still girls, most of the fans were fine with it.

There was always the occasional fangirl who thought she'd turn me straight. I chuckled a bit bitterly at that idea. As if it was that easy. But no, I was in love with him. Only him. I wanted only him.

Of course I hooked up with some guy every now and then. I wasn't a monk even though I couldn't get the man I wanted to. Not recently though. I hadn't had anyone in...weeks. I was getting tired of touring and I wanted to get back home.

To be honest, I was pretty much tired of living. Did you know Robbie Williams is a genious? I mean I can totally agree with him. "I don't wanna die, but I ain't keen on living either..." Lyrics don't get much better than that, kudos to Robbie.

Our music was pretty aggressive rock but we had a softer side. Usually we ended the set with some softer songs, our idea being that even though we rocked their socks off at first, they should go back in to the night calm and with a smile on their faces. Something we came up with very early, playing calm and possibly acoustic songs as encores. There was a buzz after a seeing gig anyway, we wanted the buzz from our shows to be a bit different.

Sometimes I took my guitar and sang one song if I felt like it. Usually some cover song, sometimes I got email from fans, suggesting me a song. So sometimes I indulged them. I had played Muse, Placebo, Incubus, Damien Rice, James Blunt...a lot of good songs to pick from.

Tonight I had been down. Even from the beginning of the gig I had felt different. I had been putting on my mask, the one every performer has for the bad days. I had rocked on the stage but when I told the guys that I wanted to do one of the encore-songs they were surprised. I hadn't done that in weeks. They all agreed though.

So I had stepped on the stage alone at the beginning of the encore-set. Just me and my acoustic guitar.

"Okay folks...I know some of you still want me to do this..." I smirked a bit at the cheers of the crowd.

"I think someone called Claire sent me an email, requesting this song for tonight. Just that you know sweetheart, I absolutely love this song and I wish it was mine. Thanks for reminding me though." I said and I could feel the silence fall but there was a girl's voice from somewhere telling me that I was welcome. So she was here then. It was nice.

The spotlight was on me now, I sat there on his usual place with my guitar and I began to strum it.

How I wish I could surrender my soul;
Shed the clothes that become my skin;
See the liar that burns within my needing.
How I wish I'd chosen darkness from cold.
How I wish I had screamed out loud,
Instead I've found no meaning.

After the first few lines I could hear the crowd make a sound of enthusiasm. It was a known song by Mr. Blunt and it had become my theme song during these last couple of years.

I knew I was singing my heart out now, my eyes were closed and I could feel that even the audience was singing quietly instead of the usual volume they sang along in.

I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.
I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble.
It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.

They sang the chorus with me and I smiled.

How I wish I could walk through the doors of my mind;
Hold memory close at hand,
Help me understand the years.
How I wish I could choose between Heaven and Hell.
How I wish I would save my soul.
I'm so cold from fear.

I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.
I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble.
Far, far away; find comfort in pain.
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.

I was glad when the song was over because my voice was trembling when I sang the last few words. I could hear some of the people go aww on me. It warmed my heart and annoyed me at the same time.

"Thanks Claire, hope you liked it." I said at the end of the song and the whole audience cheered. "And now, I think Jasper wants to sing you a few more songs. So I'll give you the rest of the band, have a good rest of the night." I said and they were slowly realising I wasn't going to come on the stage again tonight.

I hopped down from my seat, set Gladys, my guitar, on the side of the stage and met Jasper's eyes when he was coming back to the stage. There was something in his eyes I couldn't decipher. He was a few inches taller than me so I didn't have to duck my head to void seeing his expression properly.

Then I practically ran away, to the back to grab my jacket and I told my personal bodyguard/roadie Sam to take me to the hotel, now. Without a question he did. We didn't speak on the way, he just drove me to the hotel in his rental and kept quiet. He knew I would talk if I wanted to.

"Thanks Sam. How did you know I needed a rental tonight?" I asked him, glancing to his profile from the back seat where I was sitting.

"Oh, almost the end of the tour...you always do, mate." he just said in his usual way and I sighed.

He was right.

It always got worse the more time I had to spend around Jasper.

Let me tell you a few things about Jasper Whitlock.

He's an amazing singer. He was the most expressive light green eyes and his hair always looks a bit untamed with the curls and strands of yellowish blonde mixed in with the darker dirty blonde color.

Jasper is a Southerner, which means he charms the pants off any girl he meets. He's the guy who opens the doors and pulls chairs and says yes ma'am and please ma'am.

And I had been in love with him since puberty. That was many long years. Way more than I cared to count, that much was sure.

Sam dropped me off at the hotel and I pretty much got to my room in the top floor without anyone noticing me. After pacing around the suite I decided to go to the roof. I had seen an entrance and I grabbed my cigs, I only smoked when I was anxious and I was going a pack per day right now, before heading to the door at the end of the hallway.

So there I sat. The gig was probably over by now and the guys would head either to sleep or to party. I was going to sit here until I couldn't anymore, either because I'd finally get sleepy or turn in to an icicle.

I realised I was humming something. I was apparently still in a Blunt-mood. I smiled a bit sadly. I inhaled a hefty doze of calming smoke and exhaled after a moment.

"But I won't be your concubine - I'm a puppet not a whore.
I just need this stage to be seen.
Will you be a friend of mine to remind me what is real?
Hold my heart and see that it bleeds.."

I sang it out loud. No wonder I was down, with these songs in my head.

Another drag and then suddenly the was a tiny sound from behind me. I turned to look. A familiar lanky blonde was standing there, against the wall.

"I bet you made that girl happy. They thought you'd come back though. You should have warned us." he said, staying there in the distance.

I cleared my throat a bit. I was completely at loss of words temporarily.

"I didn't feel like playing anything else after that song. Sorry about that." I said and looked over the city skyline.

The cigarette was pretty much done so I took the last drag and flicked it over the side of the roof.

"Did you know I got more ink in London?" he asked and I shrugged.

"Nope." I didn't what it had to do about tonight, his new tattoo.

"I'd like you to see it, Edward." he said quietly and I turned to look at him.

"Then show me?" my tone must have been cold, as cold as my heart was getting.

"I'll have to strip some and it's bloody freezing in here." he said and I nodded.

Internally I sighed. Great. I got to see Jasper in less clothing, again.

I still got up and walked to him and past him, going to the door of his suite, never touching him, never looking at him. I wanted to get this tattoo-show over with so that this night would finally be over with.

He let me in and I walked to the middle of the room and turned around.

"Do you want anything to drink?" he asked, being the always polite gentleman he was.

"Nope." I said again. I was so fucking tired. In so many ways.

I could see his shoulders slump a bit at my tone. He felt guilty or bad or something. I was tired of trying to decipher him tonight. I had done that for a very long time. Looking for any sign, any at all, that he'd one day respond to my feelings.

"Did you know James got engaged to Victoria while she came to meet us in Paris?" he asked as he hung up his jacket and kicked his shoes off.

"No, but good for them I suppose. Hope they get it to work." I said and shrugged.

Paul was married to Rachel and they had a few kids whom he missed all the time we were on the road. His brother Seth was engaged to his high school sweetheart Bella. Now James, the ultimate womanizer, was settling down. It left me and Jasper.

"Yeah, I hope so too. He's the oldest one of us so he should settle down. Victoria seems like a handful so maybe they'll make it work." he said and stripped further.

He took his button up off and tossed it on the couch I was standing next to.

Then he opened the zipper of his leather pants and I looked at him in a clear 'are you fucking kidding me'-way. The bastard grinned a bit.

"There." he said, pulling his boxer briefs down on his left hip.

He turned so that I saw a small, elegant but masculine print of two words. The background was grey, an outline of...a guitar pick?

The text said shackle free.

I looked at his face and he stepped closer as I sat down on the couch as it was conveniently behind me. "Look closer." he said.

So I did. The pick was outlined and sort of a nice background for the text but there was a tiny letter, in the middle of it in white color to pop out if you looked closely.

"E?" I looked up to him, confused.

I knew the words were from one of our mutual favorite songs.

He looked at me, his eyes filled with something and he sang:

"These bonds are shackle free, wrapped in lust and lunacy.
Tiny touch of jealousy, these bonds are shackle free."

I closed my eyes for a moment.

"You know I don't really play guitar as much or as well as you do... My first name doesn't start with E either..." Jasper almost whispered and looked at me in a very shy manner. "I know you're not a puppet, Edward. I never wanted you to feel like one. I never wanted to hurt you either."

What the hell? I couldn't really look at him. I just...sat there.

"I'm sorry it took me all this time...to figure out..." he looked down as my gaze suddenly snapped back to his face.

"To figure out what, Jasper? That I've been insanely in love with you since we met in junior high? That I have fucking cried myself to sleep every night in the last few weeks like I always do at the end of the tours." I spat the words out and I saw him flinch with every single one of them.

"Or maybe you figured out that I only fuck blonde guys because I try to fill the fucking void that's consuming me and pulling me in every single time I see you pick up some random chick somewhere? Oh, I have a good one!!" I said, I saw my words were making him recoil like I was backhanding with every accusation but I was way past of caring about his feelings by now.

"Maybe you finally figured out that it's funny to hear me sing on stage when I do, because I pick out the most pathetic songs to try and tell you I'm so tired of living like this I try to avoid going to anywhere high enough because I'm fucking sure that one of these nights I'll jump!" I stood up and ran out to the hall.

I got to my door, fumbling with the key card but managed to get in. I was nearly hyperventilating, I had never had a panic attack in my life but I was sure I was going to have one. I could hardly tell what I had told him, how I had yelled at him just now.

I felt bad but on the other hand I felt fucking great! I had finally said the things that had been on my mind for years!

I realised I was pacing around again. For a brief moment I considered going to the roof and just jumping this time. Then I realised it was pretty emo to even think such a thing when I had my parents and my sister back home in the States. The last thing they needed was for Sam to call them that I jumped off a hotel roof in which ever city we were in now.

I took my jacket off and kicked my shoes off next to the door. I ran my fingers through my bronze hair and didn't even try to control the messiness.

Why did he have to figure something out now? When I had suffered all these years? What was it exactly he wanted to tell me? That suddenly his eyes were wide open, that he loved me too, that he wanted me instead of the countless number of chicks that had travelled through his hotel rooms.

The knock on my door made me jump.

"Edward, please...open the door?" he asked in a quiet tone.

"Jasper go away..." I said, walking to the door.

I pressed my forehead to the cool, smooth surface of the door.

"Edward...I'm sorry...for all the pain I've caused... I... Would you let me in?" I heard his voice so close I realised he was probably leaning to the door too.

I sighed. I felt the strange surge of hope and fear rush through me. It was nothing new. When ever he looked at me in a particular way... When ever he touched me...

I suppose this was it. The last straw I was hanging on to. So my hand moved like it had a mind of its own and opened the door. Then I backed down and turned around, walking to the windows and leaned my shoulder on the frame.

I could hear him walk to the room and close the door behind himself. Then he walked to stand a couple of steps behind me.

"I never wanted to think that the solution would be this easy... That all the emptiness of the one night stands had something to do with someone I already knew..." he spoke in a very quiet tone, almost whispering.

"I never thought I was bisexual, let a lone gay. I never thought I might actually fancy a guy. I thought about it for a very long time. Years maybe... When I saw you pick up someone I never realised why I became so agitated and aggressive... A few months ago, in Rome... I saw you pick up that guy who looked a lot like me and I realised I was jealous. I wanted him to be me." the words were barely audible.

"I wanted to kick his ass for touching you. I had to think about what it all meant. So I did... I just knew I had had you there all these years and of course I knew you had...felt these things..." he sighed and I could him retreat to lean his butt to the back of the couch that faced away from the windows nearby.

"I was selfish...maybe it fed my ego, having someone like you feel things for me. I know it was wrong. So wrong... You know I never cared for the fans. But having someone I had known for so long want me...that was different. I wanted you to want me..." he sighed and looked at the floor.

Jasper was pretty much telling me he had known all along. That he had known how much I suffered and instead of talking to me or trying to ease my pain he had watched. He had enjoyed the attention he was getting from me. He admitted on being a jerk. He admitted to leading me on.

"Edward... I can never make these years up to you. I can never change what an idiot I have been or how much I've hurt you. But... Could you give me a chance to prove to you that I can be better?"

I turned around to look at him.

"Jasper, what does the tattoo mean?" I asked him in a neutral tone and he glanced up at me before returning his gaze to the floor.

"I'm... I'm in love with you. I have been for a while now. Maybe months. I needed to...gather all my courage to talk to you. I took the tattoo to... symbolize that even if you wouldn't give me a chance I would have a reminder of you on me. Of the bond that I can feel is there..." he said and the words faded in to the silence in the room.

I walked to him. I stood in front of him and looked at him.

"Jasper... I don't know... I mean...you've toyed with my feelings for years... What guarantee do I have it won't happen again? When you decide you aren't in to guys or in to me after all? When someone questions you who you are dating, what would you say? That you suddenly went gay for your bandmate?"

He didn't raise his eyes so I reached my hand to lift his chin up.

"I want you. I don't know if I should but...I do. I doubt that will ever change." I whispered when he looked at me, his eyes so bright and I saw a tiny flicker of hope in them.

"Does that mean..." he whispered and I silenced him by bringing my finger to his lips.

"I'll give you one week more, Jasper. I've been living in my own personal bittersweet heaven of a hell for years. I was thinking on quitting the band at some point, just to get away. From you. So I'll give you a week to prove me you can change and be with me. If it doesn't work out, I'm gone. For good." I told him, making the words up as I went but I was completely serious and I realised that I had really been pushed over some invisible line of bullshit I could take.

He closed his eyes for a moment and nodded. Then he opened them and I saw tears spill over. I couldn't help but to wipe them away from his cheeks with my fingers.

"Edward...would you kiss me?" he asked suddenly and I swear my knees felt weak for a moment.

There was a flip in the pit of my stomach on the possibility that he was really asking this from me. That he wanted me like this.

Before I could think about it too much, before I could over-analyze it to shreds I leaned in and pressed my lips to his.

I felt like someone had shocked me with a cattle-prod. I could tell he felt it too. He pulled his head back and I knew we both had the same, slightly shocked wide eyed look on our faces.

Something happened at that moment. It was like all the inhibitions were shaken off us. Suddenly there was nothing but our frenzy to get as close to each other as possible.

We were kissing and pulling the clothes off each other.

The funny thing was I knew that Jasper had never been with a man. Ever. Yet he was doing this with me right now. He was kissing me back and I could feel that he was getting hard just as I was.

Could this really be true?

Again I stopped myself from thinking and just decided to go with it.

I had been passionate before, with some guys that had looked even remotely like Jasper and who I could turn in to him in my mind.

This though, wasn't just anyone, this was Jasper.

"Stop!" I said suddenly, when he was fumbling with my belt. Our shirts were off and we were still there, against the back of the couch.

It was like I had hit him, he looked horrified.

"No no no...I'm not rejecting you!" I was quick to explain when I saw how insecure he suddenly became.

There was relief in his gaze as I explained it to him.

"I want this, more than you can imagine. But I want to do this right too." I said and and he nodded, a bit flushed and breathless still.

"Come with me." I told him, taking his hand and led him to the huge bathroom.

The one thing I always wanted in my hotel room was a good bathroom. I wanted to either the opportunity to bathe at will, preferably in a jacuzzi or a modern shower with the steam function. Even better if I could have both.

I pulled Jasper to me and he leaned his head down to kiss me. This isn't really happening. This is a dream and I'll wake up with a hard on. Again.

I tugged his leather pants off him and he did the same with my jeans now that I let him.

There was no rush anymore, so I spent a lot of time touching his perfect skin everywhere I could, making him gasp softly and moan when I leaned my head and licked his chest and sucked his nipple in to my mouth.

The taste of his skin was exquisite, that's all I can describe it as being. I licked and nibbled at it until he was moaning and begging me to do something.

"I was thinking..." I said, when we were both just wearing our boxers, "if I could take a closer look at your tattoo?"

I knew I looked mischievous and he blushed a bit but nodded. I pulled my own briefs off before I tugged his down and led him in to the shower. I turned the water and the steam on and pushed him to stand against the tiled wall.

"I can't quite see it with the dim light...I think I might have to...get closer..." I murmured in a bit of a husky tone and I saw his erect cock twitch.

I dropped to my knees and looked at the tattoo, angling my head so that my breath was hitting his erection and making him gasp.

"What, Jasper? What do you want?" I asked, looking up at him.

"I want...you...please..." he said, somehow almost embarrassed about being so turned on.

I drank the sight in front of my eyes. Jasper, leaning in to a wall in my shower. Waiting for me to touch him. His skin was flushed and his breath was just short gasps. He was so hard...for me... I still couldn't believe it and I doubt I ever would.

I moved so that my nose was rubbing against his cock and he trembled against the wall. I really wanted to fuck him, to possess him, right now when I finally had the chance but I couldn't. Not yet. Tiny steps.

So I licked him. From the base of his cock to the tip where I saw the drops of pre-cum glisten and that pretty much set me off, I took him in to my mouth, feeding off his moans and shivers. He tried not to fuck my mouth but his hips would buck every now and then and I wrapped my fingers around the base of him to work as a buffer between us.

And then I gave him the best head he could ever get. Not just because I have serious skills, but because I put all the longing, all the unrequited love and all my affection in to the act.

When he came, he had no time to warn me, not that it would have stopped me from swallowing every bit of his cum, which seemed to surprise him.

"I've never...ever...come that hard..." he gasped when I released him from my mouth and held him for a moment so he wouldn't slide down the wall.

"There's a difference between coming from having sex and coming from making love." I said in to his ear and he shivered a bit at the words.

"I'd say so..." he mumbled and kissed my neck.

He tried to touch me but I stopped his hands.

"Let's shower first. When we'll go to the bed you can do what ever you want. This is new to you. You need to be comfortable with my body first." I told him and he smiled a bit.

I knew part of it was being relieved. He really was new to this. I would never pressure him in to anything, no matter how much I wanted him.

After the shower that was full of touching and kissing and slightly shy chuckling when we figured out things about each other. Like that Jasper liked it when I dug my fingers firmly to his buttcheeks and pulled him close to myself. He discovered the sweet spots on my neck that drove me wild when he licked them.

We moved to the bedroom with towels wrapped around us and I turned the lights low to make this, being so exposed with and to me, easier.

I walked to the bed and climbed on top of the covers and laid down on my back.

He stopped next to the bed and looked at me. There was want and need in his gaze but also curiosity and a bit of hesitance.

"Come here. If you want me, you'll have to learn me. This is part of it." I told him softly and he smiled.

"You know...I don't think I've ever wanted to learn to please someone this badly..." he murmured, tossing the towel and the way how determined he was to cause me pleasure made me moan softly.

He landed himself next to me, leaning to his elbow and kissed me softly. Then he began to trace my skin with his fingertips. I arched my back against his touch as soon as his hand touched my abs.

He chuckled softly, mesmerized by my reactions to his touches. He pulled his nails across my chest, he kissed and nipped at my skin and my nipples like I had briefly done to him before. He never forgot to pay attention to the right spots on my neck.

Jasper shifted to sit, a bit lower on the bed to be able to run his fingers from my feet to my legs and my thighs. I was so hard it hurt. I still didn't...couldn't, hope that he's actually...you know, touch me.

My head was against the pillows and when he leaned up to pepper my chest and my abs with kisses that were clearly going downwards somehow little hesitantly, like he wanted to but also gave himself time.

I wanted that too, to give him time. I also knew I was panting and that pre-cum was slowly dripping from my cock and that I would have to take matters in to my own hands soon or I'd get seriously frustrated.

"Edward...I can't...yet...but..." he whispered, leaning upwards to turn until he was laying by my side again.

I nodded, trying my best not to look disappointed.

"I mean, I can't...blow you...not yet...I want to but it's too soon. I'd like to touch you though. If you let me?" Jasper spoke hastily, like be was afraid that I'd be mad at him or that he himself didn't have the courage to speak the words.

I nodded and smiled, pulling him in to a kiss that made my cock twitch, Jasper moaned in to my mouth.

He pulled me by my arm a bit so that I was better facing him, a bit to my side, and he had an access to my neck. When he let his mouth move from my lips to my jaw and my neck I suddenly began to pant again.

Then his hand was touching my cock, his hesitant fingers wrapped around my shaft and he stopped.

"What...ever you like...yourself..." I panted in to his ear and I saw him smile a bit.

His fingers began to move, his touch was more firm now. He was pumping my length, moving his thumb over the head every few strokes and making my hips buck.

While his hand worked on my cock, he kept kissing and nipping and sucking my neck and my jaw and occasionally he trailed open mouthed kisses to my chest and sucked my nipple in to his mouth before returning to my neck. The sensory overload was making me last longer, it was strange in a way because I would have thought I would come immediately when he touched my cock.

After a while he began to stroke faster, adding a twisting motion in to the movement and when I began to moan almost constantly he suddenly whispered in to my ear: "I love you Edward." and then sucked the lobe of my ear in to his mouth and bit in to it, sending me spiralling over the edge and I moaned and gasped and tensed and came in a way I had ever come before.

He pumped me until I was completely done and then wrapped his arms around me and held me through the aftershocks that made me tremble every now and then for a long time.

"I can't believe I just made you come..." he said, tone full of awe, after a moment of silence.

I had to chuckle.

"Trust me, I can't believe that either." I told him and then we laughed for a moment, clinging to each other and the laughter turned in to tears but we held each other until we were calm again.

"I love you Jasper." I whispered to his ear, I had a feeling I would say that very often now that I had a permission to do so.

"I will never let you down again." he said with conviction that I hoped would stick even outside this room.

He had a week to prove me he was serious.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

AN: I'm dedicating this little piece to Inksper (*love* to AHelm for inventing him) and to Beautiful Figment's metaphorical balls. ;)

If you haven't yet, you should definitely check out all AHelm's stories (especially Ink Street, because everyone who loves Jazz needs to meet Inksper...) and Beautiful Figment's What I Failed to Realize. BF's one-shot Louder than Words is also the shiz. So check those out. :)