TITLE: A Long Night - Post Scene to Beyond Repair
AUTHOR: Lynne Facella
CATEGORY: Carter & Chen Friendship
SPOILERS: Episodes through Beyond Repair.
SUMMARY: Carter needs a friend after an unexpected and unwelcome encounter.
DISCLAIMER: All ER characters are the property of Warner Brothers, NBC, etc., etc.
EMAIL: [email protected] or [email protected]
WEB SITE ADDRESS: http://envy.nu/carterette/
Sobriki...He'd thought he'd gotten past it. He'd really thought it was behind him, but the sound of the man's voice had rattled him badly. Then to actually turn around and see him there had sent that feeling of terror spiking through him as if the stabbing was happening all over again. He couldn't believe he was out on a conditional release. Was that all Lucy's life had meant? Sad to see that a person could kill someone and not even be punished. Sure he knew Paul Sobriki was sick. Sure he knew people got away with murder every day, but this affected him and it was different. He couldn't just file it away and pretend that it didn't happen. He couldn't pretend that everything was okay, that he was over it. It just wasn't possible for him to do.
He started as he heard a tiny creak, but then nothing. The sounds of an old house...They usually didn't bother him, but tonight every tiny sound was only causing his fear and anguish to intensify. Why did he have to come back? Why? And why did his mother have to come here, today of all days? She had looked so offended when he had accused her of not being a mother to him. As if it was a horrible lie. But it was true what he had said, that she hadn't been a mother to him in 20 years. And then she had given him that stricken look as if what he'd said was some great shock. Maybe if she had never been a mother he could have given her some slack, but she had been a mother before Bobby had died. When Bobby had died, a piece of her had died with him, but the two remaining children, he and his sister, Barbara, had also suffered a tragic loss. Their mother, however, hadn't had any time to spare for them. No time to help her children grieve, to love them and to help them through the death of their beloved brother. It was a time when their family should have drawn together, but instead, they had all cast off in their separate directions and over the years the distance had only increased.
The time to make amends had come when he had been stabbed, but nothing had come of it. They had been stuck in Tokyo, she had said. He chuckled humorlessly as he thought about that. Had there been some worldwide airline strike that he had been unaware of? Stuck in Tokyo...She hadn't wanted to come and see her son in pain, hadn't come until he was well on his way to recovery, when she could just hand him some little gifts and talk about her business and her charities and all the surface things she liked to talk about that didn't really matter. It was all a matter of keeping things neat and tidy. She had come in and asked how he was and he had given her his standard answer that he was fine. He knew she didn't want to hear any differently. Even as a child when he had come home with a skinned knee or a banged up elbow she would just bandage him up and send him on his way. No hugs and kisses. No words of comfort. It was almost like she was afraid to get close to him. He knew that she didn't want to hear about the nightmares, about the colostomy, about the intense pain in his back. She didn't want to hear how he had started to take drugs to escape the pain both physical and emotional that had tormented him day after day after day. He had been hurt so badly and his mother hadn't reached out to him. She hadn't even tried. He knew in his heart, that if he had a child, nothing would have kept him from helping that child through what had happened. Nothing would have been more important.
He twisted under the covers of his bed and punched his pillows as he tried to find a comfortable position. He didn't know why he was even bothering though. There would be no sleep tonight. He knew it. Man, he could use a drink. It would be so easy to go downstairs, open up the liquor cabinet and start drinking, but he knew if he started he'd never stop. He would drink himself into oblivion and everything that he had tried so hard to overcome would be lost. He needed to get through this night without the aid of booze or drugs. He needed to somehow do it on his own.
Finally he tired of his futile struggle to rest. Throwing the covers off his body, he got out of bed and padded downstairs to the kitchen. It had been the only room in the house he had gotten comfort from after the stabbing. He wasn't sure why exactly. Likely it went back to his childhood, when he had come to visit his grandmother after school as a boy. She would make him soup or sometimes cookies or cakes, always allowing him to lick the batter from the spoon. He couldn't remember having that same easy feeling of love and security since those days long ago. He realized that coming back to the kitchen now was likely some sort of an attempt to capture that feeling, but he knew it wasn't possible. Those days and feelings were gone forever. He knew he would never be able to feel that way again. Gamma wasn't going to come downstairs to bake him goodies or hug his hurts away. Life would never be that innocent and simple again.
He found himself shivering and left the kitchen, wandering back upstairs to check with the nurse who had returned to care for his grandmother overnight. Seeing that all was peaceful, he went back to bed where he continued to toss and turn some more. His thoughts kept straying to Sobriki. He glanced at the clock and saw that it was 2 a.m. He needed to talk to somebody. He needed to talk to someone who had been there...Someone who would understood. He was afraid to call Abby. He knew in his heart that they were still friends, but a middle of the night phone call from him might raise her expectations and he didn't want to do that to her. He thought about Susan, but she hadn't been there the day it all began. He knew she would try to understand, but she wouldn't really be able to. Unless you had been there, had really experienced what had happened that day, he doubted many people would understand it. Dr. Benton had been there. John knew that Benton had been affected by what had happened that day. He knew how desperately he had worked to save his life, but Benton had moved on and although John knew he could call him, he wasn't sure it would accomplish much more than to make Benton uncomfortable. He went through the possibilities in his head and then finally narrowed it down to a field of one. Deb...he could call Deb. With a slightly trembling hand he reached for the phone and began to dial her number.
**********
Jing-Mei groaned slightly as the ringing of the phone awoke her from her slumber. Fumbling, she reached for the phone and brought it to her ear. "Hello?"
"Deb...Deb it's me...John.."
"John?" Immediately she was wide awake as she sat up in bed, clutching the phone tightly. "John what is it? What's wrong?"
"I'm sorry to call you so late, but...Deb I really need to talk to someone, please...Can I come over?"
"Are you all right?" she asked, her voice conveying obvious concern. "John...do you want me to come to you?" The possibilities were racing through her mind. Had he been fired? Had he relapsed again?
"Deb, really, I'm okay," he said, trying to convince her that he was. "I just want to talk to you...something happened at the hospital today. Please...I just need to talk."
"Of course, John. Come right now. I'll be waiting for you."
"Thanks, Deb." He felt a sense of relief as he hung up the phone and started to dress. At least now he wouldn't be alone...
**********
The ride to her apartment building was a relatively short one, especially without traffic, and about a half hour later Jing-Mei buzzed him into her apartment.
"Hi," she said as she opened the door, studying him closely. He looked...well haunted was the best word she could use to describe him. His eyes looked almost as if there was some hidden terror deep within.
"Please, John...come on in." She gently took his arm and led him into her cozy living room. He sat down on the couch and she sat down beside him, gesturing towards two mugs of hot chocolate on the coffee table. "I thought you might like some."
"Thanks...It's pretty cold out there." He gratefully took one of the mugs, letting the steam warm the coldness of his cheeks, then took a sip. "Mmm...it's good."
Jing-Mei just sat there, watching him. She didn't want to pressure him. She figured he would tell her why he had come in his own good time.
He saw her watching him and felt a little stupid for coming. What must she think? Him calling her at 2 o'clock in the morning, practically begging for her to let him come over.
They sat there silently for a few long, awkward minutes and then he broke the silence. "I saw Sobriki today..." He just blurted it out, deciding there was no easy way to say it and he watched as her eyes widened in shock.
"Sobriki? Oh John...Where? How?" She didn't quite know what to say. Valentine's Day was a month away. Had it been on John's mind? Had he actually sought him out?
"He was at County...a patient, slip and fall. Abby was practically turning cartwheels trying to keep me from finding out, but I heard his voice." He shivered slightly as he took another sip of the hot chocolate. "I heard his voice..."
She watched as he got lost in his thoughts, his eyes almost glazing over. "John!" Her voice was sharp, but her touch gentle as she lightly rubbed his arm and he looked back at her. "Stay with me, John, okay?"
"I'm okay...I am. He isn't even locked up, Deb...He was out on some kind of a release program. He's out walking around just like you and me."
"Oh John..." She shook her head slowly, not really knowing what to say to him. "I'm sorry...I wish I'd been there. What happened? What did you do?"
He momentarily looked up at the ceiling shaking his head. "I didn't do anything. He told me he was sorry. That he hadn't done it...that it was the sickness...like that even mattered..."
He dropped his gaze to meet Deb's eyes. "I know in my head it was the sickness but in here..." He put his hand over his heart and then down over his stomach, "and in here...none of that matters...all that matters was that he killed Lucy and he tore my life to shreds. I can't just let that go and pretend it's all okay because he was sick. It just isn't that simple."
"Of course you can't, John. Nobody would expect you to.
"You know, he was with his wife, and their baby," John said with a bitter laugh. "He came out of this with his family intact...or maybe not intact, I don't really know, but...he killed someone. I wonder if Lucy's mom knows...what she would think to know the man who killed her only daughter isn't even locked up any more a mere two years after it happened?"
"I don't know..." Jing-Mei shook her head sadly. "Hopefully she doesn't know..." She remembered how heartbroken the woman had appeared at the memorial service for Lucy. In some way she felt she could identify because she no longer had Michael with her, but she knew it wasn't the same thing because Michael was safe and happy even if he couldn't be with her while Lucy had been killed in the most brutal of ways. She just couldn't imagine the pain of that happening to your child.
"I guess this was just one of those shitty days you have to try to put behind you...I just...It's different now that I know he's out there...you know?"
She reached out to him, brushing a wayward lock of hair off his forehead. "John...they're watching him. He's on medicine. They know what to look for. It'll be okay..." She could see why he would be nervous now, but she didn't want him to become paranoid, looking over his shoulder at every corner, living his life in fear. It would destroy him.
He managed a small smile as he listened to her and tried to believe her. "I know...you're right. I...I just need to get through tonight...tomorrow will be better..."
"Tomorrow will be better..." she echoed softly, "and I'll be here with you for as long as you need me."
They talked for hours through the night and a little before dawn he finally fell into an exhausted sleep. Jing-Mei covered him with a blanket and then just sat with him, reading a novel. She kept a close eye on him, watching for any sign of distress or that he might be having a nightmare. Finally he awoke a little after 8.
"Hey," he said, covering his mouth through a yawn. "You should have woken me. I didn't mean to fall asleep on you."
"You needed to sleep, John. You're not working today, are you?" she asked with a sudden spurt of concern. He was definitely in no shape to be working.
"No..." he said shaking his head. "I'm working a long day tomorrow. I'm off today."
"Good," she said, nodding. "You should get home and get some real sleep. Can I get you breakfast or something?"
"No thanks..." He yawned again and stretched his arms out over his head. "I should get going. I need to check on Gamma and then I think I'll get some sleep. I should be able to now."
"Okay...if you're sure. You know I'm here for you, John, whenever you need me."
"I know you are, Deb..." They shared a smile and then she leaned towards him hugging him tightly. "It will be okay, John."
"I know it will...thanks Deb..."
**********
After John left Deb's apartment, he was on his way home when he was compelled to turn towards the hospital. The envelope that Abby had thrown into his locker from Paul Sobriki's wife was weighing on his mind and he needed to read it. Then hopefully he could put yesterday into the past with all the other bad memories. He knew it was what he had to do. When he arrived at County, he went straight into the lounge and was relieved to find it empty. He opened up his locker and retrieved the yellow envelope from the top shelf, staring at it intently before he slowly began to open it. When he did, it wasn't really anything unexpected. Short and to the point, an apology from Sobriki.
Dr. Carter:
I just wanted to tell you again how sorry I am. From the look on your face today I know that you believe I should be locked up - probably forever. I assure you that I am taking my medications and this disease is under control. I have a life with my wife and daughter and I am not going to do anything to jeopardize it. Once again though, I am truly sorry for all that happened.
I wish you only the best in the future.
Sincerely,
Paul Sobriki
John stared at the note, unsure what to make of it. Was it a moment of sanity in the mind of a madman or was it really and truly going to be okay? He crumpled the note into a wad and threw it into the wastebasket. Schizophrenia was a disease of uncertainty. He knew he'd most likely never know the truth unless Sobriki made the news again or God forbid the day came that Sobriki showed up on his doorstep to finish what he had started. He'd just have to hope and pray that day never came...
The End
AUTHOR: Lynne Facella
CATEGORY: Carter & Chen Friendship
SPOILERS: Episodes through Beyond Repair.
SUMMARY: Carter needs a friend after an unexpected and unwelcome encounter.
DISCLAIMER: All ER characters are the property of Warner Brothers, NBC, etc., etc.
EMAIL: [email protected] or [email protected]
WEB SITE ADDRESS: http://envy.nu/carterette/
Sobriki...He'd thought he'd gotten past it. He'd really thought it was behind him, but the sound of the man's voice had rattled him badly. Then to actually turn around and see him there had sent that feeling of terror spiking through him as if the stabbing was happening all over again. He couldn't believe he was out on a conditional release. Was that all Lucy's life had meant? Sad to see that a person could kill someone and not even be punished. Sure he knew Paul Sobriki was sick. Sure he knew people got away with murder every day, but this affected him and it was different. He couldn't just file it away and pretend that it didn't happen. He couldn't pretend that everything was okay, that he was over it. It just wasn't possible for him to do.
He started as he heard a tiny creak, but then nothing. The sounds of an old house...They usually didn't bother him, but tonight every tiny sound was only causing his fear and anguish to intensify. Why did he have to come back? Why? And why did his mother have to come here, today of all days? She had looked so offended when he had accused her of not being a mother to him. As if it was a horrible lie. But it was true what he had said, that she hadn't been a mother to him in 20 years. And then she had given him that stricken look as if what he'd said was some great shock. Maybe if she had never been a mother he could have given her some slack, but she had been a mother before Bobby had died. When Bobby had died, a piece of her had died with him, but the two remaining children, he and his sister, Barbara, had also suffered a tragic loss. Their mother, however, hadn't had any time to spare for them. No time to help her children grieve, to love them and to help them through the death of their beloved brother. It was a time when their family should have drawn together, but instead, they had all cast off in their separate directions and over the years the distance had only increased.
The time to make amends had come when he had been stabbed, but nothing had come of it. They had been stuck in Tokyo, she had said. He chuckled humorlessly as he thought about that. Had there been some worldwide airline strike that he had been unaware of? Stuck in Tokyo...She hadn't wanted to come and see her son in pain, hadn't come until he was well on his way to recovery, when she could just hand him some little gifts and talk about her business and her charities and all the surface things she liked to talk about that didn't really matter. It was all a matter of keeping things neat and tidy. She had come in and asked how he was and he had given her his standard answer that he was fine. He knew she didn't want to hear any differently. Even as a child when he had come home with a skinned knee or a banged up elbow she would just bandage him up and send him on his way. No hugs and kisses. No words of comfort. It was almost like she was afraid to get close to him. He knew that she didn't want to hear about the nightmares, about the colostomy, about the intense pain in his back. She didn't want to hear how he had started to take drugs to escape the pain both physical and emotional that had tormented him day after day after day. He had been hurt so badly and his mother hadn't reached out to him. She hadn't even tried. He knew in his heart, that if he had a child, nothing would have kept him from helping that child through what had happened. Nothing would have been more important.
He twisted under the covers of his bed and punched his pillows as he tried to find a comfortable position. He didn't know why he was even bothering though. There would be no sleep tonight. He knew it. Man, he could use a drink. It would be so easy to go downstairs, open up the liquor cabinet and start drinking, but he knew if he started he'd never stop. He would drink himself into oblivion and everything that he had tried so hard to overcome would be lost. He needed to get through this night without the aid of booze or drugs. He needed to somehow do it on his own.
Finally he tired of his futile struggle to rest. Throwing the covers off his body, he got out of bed and padded downstairs to the kitchen. It had been the only room in the house he had gotten comfort from after the stabbing. He wasn't sure why exactly. Likely it went back to his childhood, when he had come to visit his grandmother after school as a boy. She would make him soup or sometimes cookies or cakes, always allowing him to lick the batter from the spoon. He couldn't remember having that same easy feeling of love and security since those days long ago. He realized that coming back to the kitchen now was likely some sort of an attempt to capture that feeling, but he knew it wasn't possible. Those days and feelings were gone forever. He knew he would never be able to feel that way again. Gamma wasn't going to come downstairs to bake him goodies or hug his hurts away. Life would never be that innocent and simple again.
He found himself shivering and left the kitchen, wandering back upstairs to check with the nurse who had returned to care for his grandmother overnight. Seeing that all was peaceful, he went back to bed where he continued to toss and turn some more. His thoughts kept straying to Sobriki. He glanced at the clock and saw that it was 2 a.m. He needed to talk to somebody. He needed to talk to someone who had been there...Someone who would understood. He was afraid to call Abby. He knew in his heart that they were still friends, but a middle of the night phone call from him might raise her expectations and he didn't want to do that to her. He thought about Susan, but she hadn't been there the day it all began. He knew she would try to understand, but she wouldn't really be able to. Unless you had been there, had really experienced what had happened that day, he doubted many people would understand it. Dr. Benton had been there. John knew that Benton had been affected by what had happened that day. He knew how desperately he had worked to save his life, but Benton had moved on and although John knew he could call him, he wasn't sure it would accomplish much more than to make Benton uncomfortable. He went through the possibilities in his head and then finally narrowed it down to a field of one. Deb...he could call Deb. With a slightly trembling hand he reached for the phone and began to dial her number.
**********
Jing-Mei groaned slightly as the ringing of the phone awoke her from her slumber. Fumbling, she reached for the phone and brought it to her ear. "Hello?"
"Deb...Deb it's me...John.."
"John?" Immediately she was wide awake as she sat up in bed, clutching the phone tightly. "John what is it? What's wrong?"
"I'm sorry to call you so late, but...Deb I really need to talk to someone, please...Can I come over?"
"Are you all right?" she asked, her voice conveying obvious concern. "John...do you want me to come to you?" The possibilities were racing through her mind. Had he been fired? Had he relapsed again?
"Deb, really, I'm okay," he said, trying to convince her that he was. "I just want to talk to you...something happened at the hospital today. Please...I just need to talk."
"Of course, John. Come right now. I'll be waiting for you."
"Thanks, Deb." He felt a sense of relief as he hung up the phone and started to dress. At least now he wouldn't be alone...
**********
The ride to her apartment building was a relatively short one, especially without traffic, and about a half hour later Jing-Mei buzzed him into her apartment.
"Hi," she said as she opened the door, studying him closely. He looked...well haunted was the best word she could use to describe him. His eyes looked almost as if there was some hidden terror deep within.
"Please, John...come on in." She gently took his arm and led him into her cozy living room. He sat down on the couch and she sat down beside him, gesturing towards two mugs of hot chocolate on the coffee table. "I thought you might like some."
"Thanks...It's pretty cold out there." He gratefully took one of the mugs, letting the steam warm the coldness of his cheeks, then took a sip. "Mmm...it's good."
Jing-Mei just sat there, watching him. She didn't want to pressure him. She figured he would tell her why he had come in his own good time.
He saw her watching him and felt a little stupid for coming. What must she think? Him calling her at 2 o'clock in the morning, practically begging for her to let him come over.
They sat there silently for a few long, awkward minutes and then he broke the silence. "I saw Sobriki today..." He just blurted it out, deciding there was no easy way to say it and he watched as her eyes widened in shock.
"Sobriki? Oh John...Where? How?" She didn't quite know what to say. Valentine's Day was a month away. Had it been on John's mind? Had he actually sought him out?
"He was at County...a patient, slip and fall. Abby was practically turning cartwheels trying to keep me from finding out, but I heard his voice." He shivered slightly as he took another sip of the hot chocolate. "I heard his voice..."
She watched as he got lost in his thoughts, his eyes almost glazing over. "John!" Her voice was sharp, but her touch gentle as she lightly rubbed his arm and he looked back at her. "Stay with me, John, okay?"
"I'm okay...I am. He isn't even locked up, Deb...He was out on some kind of a release program. He's out walking around just like you and me."
"Oh John..." She shook her head slowly, not really knowing what to say to him. "I'm sorry...I wish I'd been there. What happened? What did you do?"
He momentarily looked up at the ceiling shaking his head. "I didn't do anything. He told me he was sorry. That he hadn't done it...that it was the sickness...like that even mattered..."
He dropped his gaze to meet Deb's eyes. "I know in my head it was the sickness but in here..." He put his hand over his heart and then down over his stomach, "and in here...none of that matters...all that matters was that he killed Lucy and he tore my life to shreds. I can't just let that go and pretend it's all okay because he was sick. It just isn't that simple."
"Of course you can't, John. Nobody would expect you to.
"You know, he was with his wife, and their baby," John said with a bitter laugh. "He came out of this with his family intact...or maybe not intact, I don't really know, but...he killed someone. I wonder if Lucy's mom knows...what she would think to know the man who killed her only daughter isn't even locked up any more a mere two years after it happened?"
"I don't know..." Jing-Mei shook her head sadly. "Hopefully she doesn't know..." She remembered how heartbroken the woman had appeared at the memorial service for Lucy. In some way she felt she could identify because she no longer had Michael with her, but she knew it wasn't the same thing because Michael was safe and happy even if he couldn't be with her while Lucy had been killed in the most brutal of ways. She just couldn't imagine the pain of that happening to your child.
"I guess this was just one of those shitty days you have to try to put behind you...I just...It's different now that I know he's out there...you know?"
She reached out to him, brushing a wayward lock of hair off his forehead. "John...they're watching him. He's on medicine. They know what to look for. It'll be okay..." She could see why he would be nervous now, but she didn't want him to become paranoid, looking over his shoulder at every corner, living his life in fear. It would destroy him.
He managed a small smile as he listened to her and tried to believe her. "I know...you're right. I...I just need to get through tonight...tomorrow will be better..."
"Tomorrow will be better..." she echoed softly, "and I'll be here with you for as long as you need me."
They talked for hours through the night and a little before dawn he finally fell into an exhausted sleep. Jing-Mei covered him with a blanket and then just sat with him, reading a novel. She kept a close eye on him, watching for any sign of distress or that he might be having a nightmare. Finally he awoke a little after 8.
"Hey," he said, covering his mouth through a yawn. "You should have woken me. I didn't mean to fall asleep on you."
"You needed to sleep, John. You're not working today, are you?" she asked with a sudden spurt of concern. He was definitely in no shape to be working.
"No..." he said shaking his head. "I'm working a long day tomorrow. I'm off today."
"Good," she said, nodding. "You should get home and get some real sleep. Can I get you breakfast or something?"
"No thanks..." He yawned again and stretched his arms out over his head. "I should get going. I need to check on Gamma and then I think I'll get some sleep. I should be able to now."
"Okay...if you're sure. You know I'm here for you, John, whenever you need me."
"I know you are, Deb..." They shared a smile and then she leaned towards him hugging him tightly. "It will be okay, John."
"I know it will...thanks Deb..."
**********
After John left Deb's apartment, he was on his way home when he was compelled to turn towards the hospital. The envelope that Abby had thrown into his locker from Paul Sobriki's wife was weighing on his mind and he needed to read it. Then hopefully he could put yesterday into the past with all the other bad memories. He knew it was what he had to do. When he arrived at County, he went straight into the lounge and was relieved to find it empty. He opened up his locker and retrieved the yellow envelope from the top shelf, staring at it intently before he slowly began to open it. When he did, it wasn't really anything unexpected. Short and to the point, an apology from Sobriki.
Dr. Carter:
I just wanted to tell you again how sorry I am. From the look on your face today I know that you believe I should be locked up - probably forever. I assure you that I am taking my medications and this disease is under control. I have a life with my wife and daughter and I am not going to do anything to jeopardize it. Once again though, I am truly sorry for all that happened.
I wish you only the best in the future.
Sincerely,
Paul Sobriki
John stared at the note, unsure what to make of it. Was it a moment of sanity in the mind of a madman or was it really and truly going to be okay? He crumpled the note into a wad and threw it into the wastebasket. Schizophrenia was a disease of uncertainty. He knew he'd most likely never know the truth unless Sobriki made the news again or God forbid the day came that Sobriki showed up on his doorstep to finish what he had started. He'd just have to hope and pray that day never came...
The End