The Talk

By Kari Izumi

Another crackish one-shot from Bleach fandom. I've seen this senario tons of times with Isshin and Ichigo, and yet not once in detail with the Kuchiki siblings. Huh. If this looks familiar, it's because I published this on LJ a few months ago and didn't realized I never uploaded here.

Anyway, Bleach is not mine, it belongs to Kubo Tite, and I'm just playing in his sandbox. :)

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"It is time we talk."

He says this as calmly as he asks her for her weekly reports from Division Thirteen. As if nothing is out of the ordinary.

But Rukia can feel that something isn't right. Byakuya sits facing her in the calligraphy room, keeping the usual distance between them. His face—always so stoic—had some sort of urgent quality to it. Mentally, Rukia racks her mind trying to think of a reason for his serious demeanor (more serious than he usually is, anyway), and could find none off the top of her head.

"What about, Nii-sama?"

Byakuya pauses and for one moment, Rukia thinks she imagined the uncertainty that flashes on his forehead briefly. Avoiding her eyes when she looks at him is something Byakuya hasn't done in ages.

"You are of age to be married," he comments without preamble, "and I assume you have contemplated courtship."

Rukia blinks. She thinks Byakuya is about to introduce her to her future husband. But she feels no reiatsu besides his anywhere nearby.

"I suppose my belief that one should be wed before they engage in intercourse is considered outdated now, even in Soul Society."

Rukia blinks and wipes her ear to make sure she just heard what she did. Did Byakuya Kuchiki just bring up…?

No. He isn't about to…Byakuya doesn't bring up uncomfortable subject to discuss with her. This would be as uncomfortable as it gets.

She then notices a scroll laying in Byakuya's lap, which he opens up to a length of about six inches before handing it to her. "Here are some items you may find useful."

"…okay…"

Rukia looks down the page at the various items. The print on the paper indicates this came from the Fourth Division, but all the pictures on the page are of thin bracelets and pins and other small accessories. Since when did they sell merchandise?

Looking a bit closely at a particularly cute she Chappy bracelet, Rukia notices what the purpose is—To be placed upon the gigai at least an hour before needed— and turns red with a mixture of embarrassment, surprise and dismay. Rukia bunches up the paper in her hands. "Nii-sama!"

"Please control your reiatsu," he commands in his usual flat tone, his eyes as steady as ever, as though he has no idea why she might be a tad bit angry.

"This is a flier for birth control!"

"Your reading is correct," he remarks. "It is important to know how to use it, with all your trips to the human world to visit Kurosaki. With his luck, you should leave nothing to chance."

If Rukia were not so deeply mortified about discussing sex of all things with Byakuya, she may have agreed that he probably has a point. She and Ichigo hadn't done much more than kiss and feel each other up on the weekends she meets him, but it wouldn't always be like that.

Still, this ambush!

"Nii-sama, we haven't done…you know…that!"

"In any case, you should inform yourself on such technology before you become…intimate." It may be the first time Rukia remembers Byakuya stumbling over any word, or shifting in his seat. "Certainly you wouldn't wish to bring shame upon yourself."

On that point, she and her brother are on complete agreement. She can only imagine the scene of Byakuya chasing Ichigo down with Senbonzakura for "bringing shame" upon the noble house of Kuchiki. For all his strength, she can't image Ichigo winning that fight—not very easily, anyway.

Scrolling further down the roll, Rukia sees another article attached to the ad entitled "Sex and the Shinigami (medical photos enclosed)" There's no need to look any further than that.

"Young Shinigami learn that in their fourth year of the Academy."

Which, of course, she missed out on. And Byakuya felt it his duty to fill her in.

Rukia wants so much for a Hollow, an Arrancar, anything to swallow her up and relieve her of this mortification. She does not want to discuss this subject with him!

This was so much more amusing when Isshin Kurosaki did this. The man gave Ichigo a box of condoms as a birthday gift last week, along with a few pointers on how to please women. He got as far as telling him the right way to fondle small breasts—with a knowing wink in her direction—before Ichigo tossed him out the window. At the time, she'd praised Isshin for being so understanding, if his methods were rather…unconventional. It was hilarious to see Ichigo blush like that!

Rukia wonders if Ichigo would be too stunned to laugh at this.

"Nii-sama," she says with as little irritation as possible, "This is all well and good, but unnecessary. I have no interest in being intimate with Ichigo in the near future."

"I see," he says. She can't read anything more into that statement. "I suppose there's nothing left to be said, then."

"Indeed, Nii-sama." Thank God. He walks off without saying another word, and Rukia goes to her own quarters, more than ready to forget this conversation ever happened.

They say nothing else to each other until dinner, when Byakuya tells her, "The new gigai you ordered from the Twelfth Division came in today. It will fit you well."

When she tries on her gigai in her room, she feels something around her waist. Pulling the top up, Rukia notices a thin gold chain around the waist. Curious at what it was and why it was on her gigai, she tries to pull it off….but it doesn't budge. Several more attempts to pull it off prove futile; not even Sode no Shirayuki can prick a hole in it.

"I neglected to mention the belt on your gigai." A strong reiatsu that could only be Byakuya's is outsider her door.

"Yeah, it won't come off," Rukia says, and almost asks for his assistance to remove the damn thing before he speaks.

"It shouldn't come off," he informs her. "Not until you are properly wed. Since you and Kurosaki are not yet intimate, I doubt you'll notice it much. It's such a lovely device to protect your maidenhood with."

It takes her a moment to process what he means by "maidenhood" before her furious reiatsu threatens to blow a hole in the ceiling.

"NII-SAMA!"

THE END

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Feedback is always welcome.