Loincloth

It was a bright, sunny day in Konoha. Bright and sunny and hot. TOO HOT FOR PANTS.

So was the opinion of a certain brown-haired Academy teacher as he traipsed down a street in nothing but his headband, vest and a loincloth, oblivious to the stares, comments, giggles, nosebleeds and occasional fainting spells. He didn't exactly remember when or where he'd gotten the loincloth, but he was eternally grateful for finding it in his closet that morning after waking up with his sheets drenched in his own sweat.

It was not a pleasant feeling.

In the shower, he'd scrubbed his skin until it was angry red and decided he was clean enough for the day. When he first grabbed the loincloth, he briefly debated wearing it. The starched thickness of his pants, however, repulsed him and the loincloth was so free and breezy.

Besides, if Yondaime Hokage-sama could burn his pants in a fit of rebellion on the roof of the Hokage Tower, the Academy teacher could certainly forego his pants for the day.

Really, it was actually quite liberating. He had a lot more movement—essential for a ninja—and his skin could actually breathe. He closed his eyes and smiled, enjoying the soft breeze that flapped the loincloth up and down slightly, dangerously. Perhaps the Fourth really was thinking of the village's best interest when he had tried to declare a No Pants Day (which failed miserably as the streets became rivers of blood from all the nosebleeds).

Not to mention Kushina-san's highly violent reaction to one kunoichi who tried to jump the Hokage. Even the ANBU escorts flinched away from the scene. It truly was amazing how she was able to make an apron into such an effective—and terrifying—weapon. The victim had been rushed to the hospital where emergency surgery was able to save her life if not her ovaries. Throughout the butchering, the Hokage had only shrugged and a breeze had blown back his trademark robes, revealing even more than before. One of the ANBU had to leave as he almost choked on the amount of blood gathering inside his mask.

Iruka shuddered at the memory, equal parts magnificent and terrifying. He would have to talk to the Hokage about reinstating No Pants Day, albeit this time with a few more precautions.

He continued on his journey, humming a happy tune to himself, still completely oblivious to the awestruck eyes that followed him.

He was near the Hokage tower when he felt a tug on his arm.

Kakashi's single visible eye was staring at him over the edge of his novel. "Iruka-sensei? Why are you—?"

"THIS is a sign of YOUTH!" A green blur barreled Kakashi out of the way so fast the Copy-Nin almost kissed the ground. "IRUKA-SENSEI! It PLEASES my HEART to see such DARING MANLINESS and YOUTHFUL ATTRIBUTES shown PROUDLY as they SHOULD BE!"

Gai slung his arm around Iruka's shoulders, weeping in joy.

Iruka pasted a neutral smile on his face, patting Gai's back soothingly. The whole village was used to his exuberant displays of enthusiasm, but wasn't this a little too much for a loincloth? It was just another article of clothing. He glanced down at Gai's green spandex and smiled understandably. Gai had always felt very strongly about clothing.

"Gai-sensei, aren't you hot in that?"

Gai lifted his head, face scrunched up, tears and mucus still flowing. "Yes, yes I AM INDEED! How YOUTHFUL of you to notice."

Iruka wondered briefly how that was youthful, before dislodging Gai's arm from his neck and giving him a brilliant smile. "You should consider something more suited to the weather. This is not a day for pants."

Kakashi's eye widened. "Oh no, Iruka-sensei, don't—"

His warning came too late. Grabbing his chin, Gai's face settled into one of deep concentration.

"You are ABSOLUTELY RIGHT, MY YOUTHFUL FRIEND!" Gai clapped Iruka on the back so hard Iruka nearly fell over. With a grin that blinded everyone in the vicinity—a voice that sounded oddly like Kotetsu screamed, "MY EYES!"—Gai reached down, seized the glaring green spandex and ripped it off.

A voice that sounded like Izumo's shrieked next, "OH GOD, SOMEONE GOUGE OUT MY EYES!"

There, Maito Gai stood in nothing but his headband and an emerald green Speedo.

The Green Beast of Konoha flashed a bright smile at Iruka, a thumb raised in his trademark 'nice guy' pose. "THANK YOU, MY FRIEND! FOR NOW I, TOO, CAN ENJOY THE SPRINGTIME OF MY YOUTH!" He gave a shocked Iruka a quick hug, turning to run around the village one hundred and one times in celebration.

Iruka stood very still, shocked at the sight he had seen. He felt Kakashi place a hand on his shoulder and he tilted his head up to glance at him.

Kakashi sighed forlornly. "I tried to warn you."

"What. Is. This."

Both men turned around to face the only woman not overcome by Iruka's innocent-looking loincloth. Namikaze Kushina (nee Uzumaki) tapped a staccato beat against the ground with her foot. Her eyes were focused on Iruka's groin and her eyebrows were about to be lost in her russet hair. Her hands were crossed in front of her chest and her face promised pain if Iruka's answer didn't satisfy her.

Knowing this woman was the one truly in charge of the village considering their Hokage bowed to her every whim Iruka felt a little fear was a healthy reaction. Kakashi gave him a sympathetic look, but did not help him.

"Well, Kushina-san," Iruka began. "It is much too hot today. And a little variety hurt no one."

"And what do you think might happen if my husband saw you wearing only that?" she crooned.

"Uh...he'd...wear something similar?"

"Precisely," she responded sweetly. "And we really don't need a repeat of last time, do we?"

"N-n-no ma'am," he stuttered, terrified.

A serene smile came over her face, though it just served to scare Iruka more. She placed a hand firmly on his arm. "Excellent. I'll escort you back to your apartment then."

Iruka let out a whimper as her nails dug into his skin. He cast a pleading glance over his shoulder at Kakashi. Kakashi's visible eye curved into a crescent, lifting a hand in farewell. Dejected, Iruka pondered the future of a day with pants. In this heat. In pants.

Someone save me, Iruka thought.

His prayer was answered. In the form of a blond man with laughing blue eyes.

"Ah, Kushina! I've been looking all over for you—" The young Hokage trailed off, eyes widening as he caught sight of the Chuunin beside his wife and his state of dress. Or undress to be more accurate.

"You see, Kushina! It is irresponsible to not allow the shinobi to disregard pants! In this climate, it's detrimental for them!"

Kushina slapped her palm to her forehead. Iruka smiled in relief. For a moment, he feared the Hokage would believe he was trying to take advantage of his wife.

"And it provides greater freedom of movement," Iruka piped up, forgetting momentarily who clutched his arm. He winced as Kushina's nails dug mercilessly into his skin. Her look promised a very slow death.

The Hokage grinned. "Precisely! I've already seen Gai. Between the three of us, we can implement a much needed No Pants Day!"

"No, Minato." Kushina dropped Iruka. Her husband ignored her, pulling a scroll out of his pocket and unfurling it. A megaphone appeared in a puff of smoke.

"Minato," she repeated, a little louder this time. "Don't you even—"

He raised the megaphone to his mouth, drawing in a deep breath. "ATTENTION KONOHA!"

"Minato!"

"THIS IS YOUR HOKAGE SPEAKING! I OFFICIALLY PRONOUNCE TODAY NO PANTS DAY!" He walked down the street, grinning from ear-to-ear. "THAT'S RIGHT, FOLKS! IT'S BACK. SO DROP YOUR PANTS AND BE FREE." He dropped his megaphone to his side and glanced at his wife, a happy grin on his face. "See? Now everyone is happy and healthy." He paused, tilting his head to the side. "What's wrong, dear, you don't look so good."

She clutched her hands tightly, her whole body shaking with anger. "MI. NA. TOOOOOOO!"

"Maybe you should take off your pants...or skirt, I guess," he answered, his eyes closed in two crescents, a hand rubbing the back of his head.

"Minato...you're sleeping on the couch."

Minato's jaw hit the floor. The megaphone was dropped like yesterday's dirty pants and lay forgotten. "Wha—Kushina—come on, my darling! My best friend, my love, my life!"

"On. The. Couch."

While the loving couple argued (or rather, Minato-sama tried to woo his recalcitrant lover), Iruka wondered if he could escape unscathed. He took a couple of experimental steps and looked back. Minato was clutching Kushina around her waist, mumbling something he couldn't hear, but that made Kushina roll her eyes and flush a cheery shade of scarlet to rival her hair.

So far, so good.

A few more steps and he could run away safely. Just...a few...more...

"IRUKA-SENSEI!"

Iruka cursed his ever singling out Naruto. The orange eyesore of a son of the aforementioned happy couple came barreling down the street and was about to jump his former teacher when he noticed said former teacher's clothing.

The orange blob came to a stop in front of Iruka, eyes squinted and his mouth in a puzzled twist. "OI! OI! WHAT ARE YOU—"

Iruka glanced hurriedly back at the Hokage and his terrifying wife, still preoccupied in their never-ending game of push-and-pull romance. He hesitated a split second before grabbing the boy, a hand covering his mouth, and made a mad dash for the nearest exit. This went against all his ethics, but damn it all, he didn't want to die today.

Finally reaching what he thought was a safe distance away, he stopped and set Naruto back on the ground. He crouched down, pushing stray hairs away from his forehead. He wondered how the day had come to this.

Naruto squinted down at his former teacher. "WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?"

Iruka groaned, suddenly hating the entire Namikaze/Uzumaki clan (and why the hell couldn't they decide on one name so it wouldn't take so long to curse them in his head?).

"It's a loincloth, dobe."

He sighed and lifted his eyes, not surprised to find the young Uchiha watching them.

"Oi, bastard! But WHY would Iruka-sensei be wearing that?"

"Tch. Because it's hot. Didn't you see your dad wearing one last heat wave?"

"Yeah, but that's my dad. He's nuts. And Mama kicked his ass for it. Iruka-sensei doesn't have someone to kick his ass! And he's Iruka-sensei!" The boy emphasized Iruka's name as if that explained everything.

Sasuke calmly looked over Iruka and shrugged. "It is true he doesn't have a woman."

Wait a minute. Did a twelve-year-old just comment on his love life? Or lack thereof?

"Now, wait a minute, Sasuke—"

"Yeah, Iruka-sensei is always alone."

"Asuma has Kurenai..."

"And Kotetsu and Izumo are always together..."

"And Genma and Raidou..."

"Ero-sensei and Tsunade-baa-chan..."

"And Gai is always chasing around Kakashi..."

Iruka could feel the mother of all headaches brewing behind his eyes. He briefly debated the pros and cons of knocking out his former students.

An image of an enraged Namikaze Kushina and Uchiha Mikoto came to mind.

Not worth it.

Returning to the boys' conversation, he was surprised to hear them discussing the battle efficiency of Oiroke no Jutsu and Iruka's new clothing.

"It'd be a great diversionary tactic!" Naruto was arguing.

"Naruto, if you don't shut up, I'll stick you with my kunai."

Naruto's eyes widened. He fell over laughing.

Sasuke and Iruka stared at the boy as if he had grown a second head.

"What's so funny?" Sasuke huffed.

"'Stick you with my kunai!' You're so dirty, Sasuke!"

Sasuke choked. Iruka had to duck behind a dumpster. Naruto was still laughing uproariously.

Before Sasuke could stick Naruto with his kunai, literally or metaphorically, in a different part of Konoha, two ninja were conversing.

"Hey, Shiro? You know what happened to the last guards here? They were crushed to death by giant snakes."

His companion shuddered. "Man, I sure hope that doesn't happen to us. I don't think I could handle another attempt by Orochimaru to take over Konoha. He gives me the creeps."

The other man nodded. "And he's all snake-like and he goes hisssssss." He flailed his arms in what he assumed was a snake-like gesture.

Shiro raised an eyebrow. "What the hell was that?"

"What?"

Shiro flailed his arms in imitation. "That."

"Dude, it was a snake. You know, hissss," he flailed his arms yet again, "and stuff."

"....You're an idiot."

"Oh, oh, we're having this conversation again. I thought I explained to you how it makes me feel when you put me down."

Shiro groaned and rubbed the bridge of his nose. "Yuuki, this is ridiculous."

Yuuki crossed his arms and turned his face away. "Oh, so now my feelings are ridiculous. You really are a jerk."

"Stop putting words in my mouth," he tried to reason. "I've never once—" His eyes widened as he opened his eyes and found himself staring into the beady eyes of a giant snake. Before he could even scream, their tower was smashed to bits, Orochimaru apparently commencing another attack on Konoha.

Beneath the bits of rubble and puffs of smoke, he heard Yuuki mutter, "I suppose you're going to blame this all on me again."

"Shut up, Yuuki. Just shut up."

While Shiro and Yuuki argued ("It is rude to tell others to shut up, Shiro!"), the Hokage and his wife had finally come to an agreement: Minato would not drop his pants in public as long as Kushina did not ban him to the couch AND let him bring out the special occasion gags, scarves and bindings.

Both felt like they got the winning end of the deal.

Just when Minato was about to grab Kushina and get a head start on the night's proclivities, Kotetsu and Izumo ran up to him.

"Hokage-sama!" Kotetsu gasped, clutching a stitch in his side. "At the Eastern Gate—"

"Did Shiro finally push Yuuki off the edge of the Watchtower?"

"No."

"Yuuki wouldn't stop whining so Shiro jumped to his own death?"

"No, Hokage-sama, they—"

"They were both fighting and both fell over!"

"OROCHIMARU IS ATTACKING!" Izumo, annoyed, finally screamed.

Kotetsu, Minato and Kushina stared at him.

He chuckled nervously. "Uh, I, uh, thought you ought you know, Hokage-sama. Heh, heh."

Minato nodded. "Yes, thank you, Izumo." Calmly, he turned to face the crowd that had gathered and picked up his discarded megaphone. "OROCHIMARU IS ATTACKING. EVERYONE TO THE EASTERN GATE AND GIVE YOUR LIFE FOR THE GOOD OF THE VILLAGE!"

"Wait, we're going to die?" A voice called out. No one was able to place it, an amazing feat in the presence of various jounin, chuunin and the Hokage himself.

"YES, YOU MIGHT."

A chorus of "WHAT?!", "DIE?!", "BUT I NEED TO LOOK AFTER MY CAT!" greeted him.

"Oh for the love of—" Kushina stomped forward and grabbed the megaphone. "LISTEN UP! ALL JOUNIN REPORT TO THE EASTERN GATE. CHUUNIN, DIVIDE YOURSELVES BETWEEN ALL FOUR GATES AND KEEP COMMUNICATIONS OPEN. ALL GENIN WILL HELP LEAD THE CIVILIANS TO THE CAVES FOR REFUGE. MOVE!"

Everyone scattered. Only Minato was left next to her, trying to bite back a snicker at the way all Konoha nin fell over themselves to keep Kushina happy and non-vengeful.

"You are challenging my credibility as Hokage."

Kushina shrugged.

"Why did I marry you?" he teased.

"Because you wouldn't have lasted a day with any other girl." She grinned brilliantly. "Now, I want a snakeskin belt, snakeskin boots and a snakeskin purse."

Minato took her hand in his and kissed her knuckles. "Any particular color?"

"Surprise me."

Minato grinned and was gone. Kushina would follow, but first she had to find her son and hide him somewhere. Probably knock him out if he tried to defy her orders to stay put. Again.

Said son was halfway across the village, fighting with an increasingly reckless Sasuke.

"Oi! Bastard!" He felt his fist connect soundly with Sasuke's stomach. "Heh, heh!"

"SHUT UP!" Sasuke launched himself at his teammate-slash-best-friend-slash-mortal-enemy, intent on serious damage.

Iruka raised an eyebrow and started to slink away, grateful for the chance to finally escape. He had to make it to the Academy still. Groaning, he rounded the corner and crashed into a very fast-moving wall. A wall? Frowning, he glanced up from where he had fallen on the ground. Staring down at him was the smiling face of an ANBU mask. "Ah...excuse me," he muttered apologetically.

The ANBU mask tilted slightly. "Nice loincloth."

Iruka choked back his embarrassment. He scratched the back of his head. "It's really hot today..." Somehow he was really regretting the loincloth.

"Have you seen Sasuke?"

"Huh? Ah, he was fighting," he pointed his thumb behind his shoulder, "with Naru—"

"RASENGAN!"

"CHIDORI!"

Iruka's face fell. Crap. He scrambled to reach his former students before they killed each other (and subsequently Kushina and Mikoto killed him), but the strange ANBU person was faster, grabbing Sasuke and throwing Naruto to land perfectly in Iruka's waiting hands.

Naruto scrambled away from Iruka.

"EW, I THINK YOUR LOINCLOTH TOUCHED ME!" He rubbed his arm vigorously as if to rid his body from the sensation.

Iruka growled down at him. "WHAT HAVE I SAID ABOUT USING RASENGAN ON SASUKE?!"

Naruto laughed nervously. "Heh...um...Not to?"

"LET GO OF ME!" Sasuke struggled against the hold of the tall ANBU, feet dangling above the ground as the other's arm about his stomach tightened.

"Foolish little brother."

Sasuke lifted his eyes sheepishly. "Nii-san?"

Itachi lifted his mask off, hold still firm on Sasuke, and smiled down at his darling little brother. "Sasuke."

"Wha-what are you doing here?"

"The village is under attack, I'm taking you an underground hold."

"WHAT?!" Naruto thumped up to the Itachi-Sasuke duo. "My village is under attack?! Where, where, WHERE?!"

Sasuke shoved a foot against Naruto. "Usuratonkachi, you couldn't even defeat one attacking nin."

"I could take on more than you!"

"You wish, dead last."

"Says the one whose older brother came to get him. Aw, poor Sasuke-chan."

"At least my mommy didn't come to get me."

"My mom isn't—" Naruto's eyes widened. He quickly whirled around. "Hi, Mom."

"Hi, Naru-chan!" Kushina smiled as she popped up at her son's shoulder. "Now let's go."

"M-o-m!" Naruto somehow managed to drag the word out to three syllables in his mortification.

"What is it?"

"Yes, Naru-chan," Sasuke taunted. "What is it?"

At that moment, several things happened at once.

Naruto jumped Sasuke, sending them both toppling to the ground in a jumble of punches, hair-pulling, and undecipherable yells.

Kushina noticed Iruka and the amount of leg she had hoped she'd seen the last of. The killing intent she radiated was enough to make Itachi step back and Iruka blanch. With a high-pitched shriek, she jumped forward, tripped over the scuffling Naruto and Sasuke and ended up in Itachi's arms.

To top it all off, a giant snake crashed the lettuce stand in the corner.

Two children, one mother, one ANBU and one hardly-clothed schoolteacher stared up at the massive, purple form of Manda. On its head, a paper-white, very thin, almost anemic form was cackling, standing opposite a blond man.

"You can't defeat me, Minato-kun!" Orochimaru bragged loudly enough for everyone and their mother to hear. "I am so much stronger than you now! And all of Konoha will be witness to that!" His tongue lolled out of his mouth, lips spread in a smirk as his roamed the surroundings. They stopped on the five-man (well, two boys, two men and one woman) group still staring at him.

Naruto shoved Sasuke's face into a puddle and ran to grab onto his mother's leg.

"Mommy, I'm getting the uh-oh feeling!" At her son's words, Kushina entered overprotective-psychotic-mother mode. The wind around her began to howl.

Sasuke was trying to hide his head inside his brother's shirt. When those eyes roamed over him he felt filthy, like the snake-man only wanted his body.

Itachi's glare communicated his thoughts. Try to touch me and I rip your arm off.

It was Iruka who got the brunt of Orochimaru's gaze. The man was staring at Iruka's lower body with undisguised surprise and fear.

"No," he gasped. "My only weakness. The only thing that can defeat me! …Man-legs."

Minato glanced from Orochimaru to Iruka, then back to Orochimaru and back to Iruka. A slow smile spread over his lips and excitement lighted his eyes.

"Kushina!" he called, staring his still-trembling foe in the eyes. "I'm sorry. It's for the good of the village."

Kushina's eyes widened, the swirling wind picking up speed and force. "Minato! NO! YOU WILL NOT DROP YOUR PANTS!"

Minato was already fiddling with his waistband. "Naruto! Watch carefully. This is the job of the Hokage."

Naruto crinkled his nose and squinted his eyes. "Are you sure that's my dad?" he asked his mother who was too enraged to pay attention.

Sasuke poked his head out of his brother's shirt. "Your dad is an idiot." He smirked. "Just like his son."

"Sasuke."

Sasuke glanced up at his brother.

"Remove yourself from my shirt."

Slowly he retracted himself and stood beside Naruto, only to widen his eyes in horror as Itachi's hands settled on his black waistband.

"No… No, you wouldn't."

Itachi flicked bored eyes towards the two young genin. "The good of the village always comes first."

Sasuke and Naruto shared a terrified look before grabbing each other and hiding their eyes.

"Oi, oi, Sasuke-bastard, w-what are you, a-afraid or something?" Naruto asked in a shaking voice.

"N-no, of course not...I-I'm just cold. A-are you afraid or something?"

"No." Naruto sniffed into Sasuke's collar. "It's really cold today."

When Minato and Itachi dropped their pants (revealing cheery Konoha-leaf-and-green-frog-print boxers and black boxer-briefs with the Uchiha fan in front respectively), both boys shrieked, each trying to duck their head into the other's shirt. The traumatized and still shaking duo ended up on the floor in a highly suggestive position, each boy's head just a little too close to the other's groin.

Kushina was going to kill someone. Minato, Iruka, Orochimaru… Someone had to be sacrificed to soothe her fury.

Minato was deliriously happy. Pants really were the epitome of evil as he enjoyed the soft breeze blowing by.

Inner Itachi was holding two thumbs up. Itachi was calm, but his lips twitched ever so slightly up.

Orochimaru was trembling. "No," he whimpered. "Not man-legs! Hidden Snake Hands!"

He tried to attack Minato, but Minato simply ducked to the side and posed dramatically. The sunlight glimmering on his skin brought forth a beautiful golden tone from his legs.

Naruto, who had managed to disentangle his head, looked up. "Nngh!" With a half-stifled groan he tried to burrow his head in the first thing he found. Which happened to be Sasuke's pants.

"USURATONKACHI!" Sasuke bucked Naruto off him. He staggered to his feet, glaring bloody murder at his rival-best-friend-whatever-the-hell-he-was-now. He flushed red, blanched, flushed again and blanched again.

Naruto, still perturbed by the sight of his father's legs, dove behind him, freaking Sasuke further.

A scream could be heard coming from Orochimaru, pained and desperate. "So many man legs..." His knees buckled underneath him and he fell. Catching himself on the ground with one arm, he looked up and panted, disgust and determination etched over his face. Still trembling, he brought his hands together slowly, forming the first seal of a ridiculously long jutsu.

Minato's eyes widened (as did his flapping coat, revealing more of the "yellow flash"). "NO! It can't be! That jutsu is forbidden."

The snake man licked his lips, forming more endless seals. "There are only three people in the world who know this jutsu." He averted his eyes as another gust of wind blew the Hokage's coat further apart. "The only thing that can stop me now is a pair of leopard print Speedos!" He began to laugh, which quickly turned into a coughing fit.

Everyone paused until the coughing fit was over, as stated in the ninja codebook.

"Now!" Orochimaru licked his lips again. "Put Pants Back On no Jutsu!"

"Yo."

Everyone turned to see Kakashi casually stroll into the battle, his visible eye closed, a smile hidden behind his mask, and without any pants. Wearing a pair of tight, shiny, leopard print Speedos.

"No!" Orochimaru moaned as he crumpled to the ground.

His moan was echoed by Naruto and Sasuke as they made the mistake to look up at their sensei.

"Why is this happening to me?" Naruto bemoaned.

Iruka glanced up at Kakashi, and nodded in approval. Minato grinned, proud of his student. Itachi remained the picture of perfect calm, but his Sharingan was swirling, memorizing every stitch so he could go home and make a pair for himself. Kushina was the only one who was still mindful of the villain in their presence. Or she was just really, really pissed off still, and Orochimaru made a good punching bag.

A really good one if the smack down she was laying down was anything to judge by.

And because it was Orochimaru, no one bothered to try and separate them. By the time she was done, Orochimaru was a twitching, whimpering mass of broken snake-man. Her son and his friend were pale as they stared at the pieces of broken snake-man.

She dusted her hands and turned to see her grinning husband.

"Fine," she conceded. "You can have your No Pants Day. With control!"

Minato laughed victoriously.

"Nice Speedo," Iruka complimented Kakashi. "Where did you get it?"

Pulling his book out of nowhere, Kakashi buried his nose in it. "Ibiki."

Itachi had finished copying the Speedo and was certain he could replicate it perfectly. "Come, otouto. Let's go home."

Sasuke didn't react. The day's events proved too much for the brain hidden under his poultry-inspired hairstyle and it had promptly shut down. Next to him, Naruto clutched the Uchiha's shirt, pupils dilated.

"—I stained my robes!" The Hokage was complaining.

"That's all right." Kushina smirked, eyes darkening. "That just means you have to take them off."

The comment proved too much for the children present. With a moan, they passed out, landing in yet another questionable position.

"No one move!" A shout drew everyone's attention to a nearby roof. Yuuki posed heroically, dressed only in purple polka-dotted briefs. "Yuuki is here!"

"Maa, we already beat Orochimaru." Kakashi motioned to the twitching white mass near Kushina.

Yuuki's jaw dropped open. "What?"

"Pfft, told you so," Shiro said behind him.

"You know, I don't appreciate your comments right now," Yuuki hissed.

Shiro waved his hand unthinkingly. He misjudged the distance between him and Yuuki and ended up clapping his partner on the back. Yuuki, posed on the edge of the roof, struggled for balance before he fell.

"Wagh!" Arms flailing, he struggled to grab onto something. He fell on top of the Naruto-Sasuke pile just as his hand closed around something. Said something came away in his hand.

Iruka's loincloth.

What happened next was so horrific that it is still forbidden to discuss within the village of Konoha to this day.

There were screams of fear and delight. There was a mob of women and men with throbbing heartbeats.

There was the not-so-hushed conversation between Shiro and Yuuki ("Way to go, Yuuki." "How about some positive reinforcement sometimes, huh, Shiro?")

Naruto and Sasuke were both so scarred by the events that transpired they repressed those memories until they could not recall the week before that day.

Despite these setbacks, No Pants Day was declared an official holiday. Around that time each year, Iruka would mysteriously go missing, Kushina would break whatever she happened to have on hand and Naruto and Sasuke would become catatonic.

It all started on a bright and sunny and hot day in Konoha. A day far, far too hot for pants.