CUTE

By: 1000th Ghost

Once upon a time, there was a robot named WALL-E and a robot named EVE.

They were cute.

Like…beyond cute.

Cute to the nth degree.

They flew around and sprinkled cuteness on everything.

Cute, cute, cute.

That was it. Just. Cute.

Seriously, the entire plot of the movie was that WALL-E wanted to hold EVE's hand.

If someone made a Movie-A-Minute for the movie, it would go something like:

WALL-E

WALL-E: I want to hold EVE's hand.

WALL-E and EVE: *hold hands*

THE END

Oh, and something with subliminal messaging about the environment…that nobody paid attention to because they were too busy drowning in the CUTENESS.

And, somehow…everyone was totally okay with this obnoxious amount of cuteness and totally ate it up.

Including 1000th Ghost. Who enjoys referring to herself in the third person with great intensity.

1000th Ghost realized that, huh, she didn't really have any "cute" obsessive couples.

Helga and Arnold had their cute moments (can anyone say "I like your bow"? AWWW!), but pretty much every single moment of that show (probably including the bow/preschool thing if thought about hard enough) was cleverly (or blatantly) laced with sexual innuendo.

The Phantom and Christine were, like, the extreme parallel opposite of cute ("When will the flames at last consume us?"? Uh…sure…that's *cute*…NOT…).

Master Gracey (the ghost host) and Emily (the ghost bride) were DEAD.

Aang and Katara could occasionally be cute but were really just hormone-fueled fighter hero things.

Batman and Catwoman…being cute… *cracks up at the absurdity of the thought*

Jeannie and Major Nelson could be…well, no, Jeannie definitely had cute, ditzy moments…but her risqué outfit kinda took the "cute" aspect away.

Beetlejuice and Lydia…um…necrophilia and child molestation all wrapped up into one? Good grief… This made 1000th Ghost wonder: How old were WALL-E and EVE? Well, technically, WALL-E was 700+ or whatever but mentally/emotionally? She'd seen them depicted as both kids, both preteens, both teens, both adults, or one one age and the other another age. Actually, truth be told, that was probably part of their charm. They're ageless: they represent "love" in general at any age. AWW… See, there's the cuteness again.

Jane Eyre and Mr. Rochester had the potential for being cute…until the reader found out about his psycho, homicidal, secret wife.

Ron and Hermione just…bickered. All the time.

Miss Scarlet and Mr. Green…uh…well, she was a murderess and was probably gonna kill him one of those days…

Cathy and Heathcliff were so far from being even remotely cute that it was frankly astounding. He dug up her grave to make out with her lifeless corpse, for crying out loud.

Bombalurina and Rum Tum Tugger…gah, just stick them in a room together and out would come, like, half a dozen newborn kittens.

Jack Frost and Elisa…alright, they were pretty cute…but it was too freakin' heart wrenching!

Josie and Alan…wow, 1000th Ghost wasn't even gonna go there.

Edward Scissorhands and Kim…pretty and sad but not cute.

Jack Sparrow and Elizabeth: chock full of awesome sexual tension…severely lacking in cuteness.

Sweeney Todd and Mrs. Lovett. *stares blankly*

Has 1000th Ghost mentioned that she loves Johnny Depp?

Mary and Colin…Colin was probably the most perverted ten-year-old ever. Besides Helga.

Casper and Kat. "There's a girl…on my bed… YES!" Need she say more?

Charlie Brown and Peppermint Patty were much too serious to be cute.

Scarlett and Rhett = ANGST WAR DEATH INFIDELITY RAPE FRANKLY MY DEAR I DON'T GIVE A DAMN.

1000th Ghost has a staggering amount of obsessive couples, hasn't she?

But, the point she was trying to make was that NONE OF THEM HAVE PURE, UNADULTERATED CUTENESS!

…until now

Then she and her brother, Charlie, aka her partner in crime, began to speculate: Could WALL-E and EVE have sex?

And thus the cuteness exploded, and a multitude of theories presented themselves and needed to be recorded.

Except that the cuteness really didn't explode. At all. It still dominated the universe with WALL-E-and-EVE-based-goodness.

But…the theories had to be recorded (and perhaps even expanded a bit) anyway.

Charlie's Theory:

WALL-E wanted to have sex with EVE. So, he put her in his trash-compacting-thingy. And…she got turned into a cube? The end?

And wouldn't this mean that the WALL-As raped EVE?

Charlie's Answer: Yes.

Charlie…your theory SUCKS and doesn't make a lick of sense. But 1000th Ghost loves you anyway.

1000th Ghost's Theory:

WALL-E and EVE watched Hello, Dolly! and learned how to hold hands.

WALL-E and EVE watched porn and learned how to do more.

Hey, it could happen.

The Internet's Theory:

WALL-E and EVE hooked up each other to a USB cable.

This was somehow supposed to be HAWT.

Well, alright. If you say so. Kinda seems like the equivalent of holding hands, if you ask 1000th Ghost. Just, like, "a connection".

But, of course, then you got tons of awesome usage out of the word "USB". Which can be used as a verb, apparently.

As in: WALL-E and EVE were USBing, WALL-E and EVE USBed, I USB, You USB, He/She/It USBs, We USB, They USB, etc.

Except now 1000th Ghost was forced to think "Are my iPod and laptop having sex?" every time she hooked them up, which was an incredibly disturbing concept.

Jumpstart Theory:

Okay, USB Theory, what about the scene where he hooked two jumpstart cables to himself and then tried to attach the other ends to her to "save" her? This was no different than the USB Theory (and, in fact, this produced sparks…well, more like explosions, lol).

But was this sex? No, this was just cute.

As is hooking them up to USB cables. It was just cute. Not perverted.

Although it was still fun to make jokes about it.

USB Theory Continued:

And then somewhere 1000th Ghost found this picture where WALL-E and EVE were human…and EVE was holding a USB cable.

Say what now…?

USB + Kitten + WALL-E Theory:

This wasn't really a theory at all.

Charlie got a Mac for Christmas. Inside the box was a pointless USB cable.

Charlie: What's the point of this? It's as random as, "Here's a free USB cable! Here's a free kitten!"

1000th Ghost: Well, duh, obviously you plug the USB cable into the kitten.

Charlie and 1000th Ghost: *watch WALL-E*

Charlie and 1000th Ghost: ZOMG USB + KITTEN + WALL-E = LOL INSIDE JOKE!

1000th Ghost's Other Theory:

Well, kisses were sparks, right?

Yet, they didn't have mouths.

So, even though they didn't have…other things…couldn't there still be…sparks?

Actually, this one was somewhat probable, she thought.

Only not really cuz WALL-E and EVE were too full of cuteness to probably ever attempt any of this.

Charlie's Other Theory:

They just sorta bump into each other really fast.

Kinda like 1000th Ghost's…only with 1000th Ghost's sparks ensue!

The Internet's Other Theory:

Um…something about a firewall? 1000th Ghost hadn't found out what that even meant, so don't ask her. She would love if someone were to explain it to her, though.

Ten-Year-Old Theory:

Then there was 1000th Ghost's little ten-year-old cousin. She made a WALL-E PowerPoint/movie/story thing. The gist of it was: "WALL-E and EVE got married, had three kids named Wolive, Weva, and Al, and lived happily ever after."

1000th Ghost marveled at the simplistic approach to this. They just…got married and had kids.

How?

Who cares?

Ten-year-olds didn't need explanations.

1000th Ghost was a bit nostalgic that she had lost this simplistic, innocent approach.

But not really because she kind was kind of totally hooked on writing hardcore romance scenes.

Chinchilla Theory:

Okay, 1000th Ghost just had to throw this in there. Somewhere in the special features of the DVD there was a mini documentary about the different sounds, and there was a guy who said, "I'm working on the sound effect for WALL-E's treads, and I'm combing the sound of a chinchilla mating with a wildebeest driving a cement truck."

1000th Ghost was highly amused.

Human Theory:

Oh, we mustn't forget the "WALL-E and EVE, for reasons completely unknown and irrelevant, got turned into humans" craze.

So…uh…1000th Ghost guessed that would make the "How do they 'do it'?" question kinda obvious, wouldn't it?

Bra Theory:

This wasn't so much of a theory, but there were at least two to three pictures circulating concerning EVE and lingerie.

But it was mostly just for the lolz (especially considering the "WALL-E thought bras go on eyes" thing).

Perverted Theory:

Not that the rest hadn't been perverted, but somewhere out there there was a story…concerning nanomachines and a "long metal shaft". No comment. Go find it for yourself, if you have a strong desire to be scarred for life.

Even More Perverted Theory:

Oh, gah, 1000th Ghost realized she didn't even have a euphemism for this one.

Um…

Okay, she decided to call it "third and a half base".

See if you can figure it out…

Grease Theory:

The only reason 1000th Ghost called this the Grease Theory was because during the song "You're The One That I Want" from Grease, Danny cops a feel on Sandy's butt, and therefore she was doomed to forever think, "Oh, that's just like in Grease!"

So…yeah, somewhere she found a picture of said action…only with WALL-E and EVE.

Dot dot dot.

Just curious…did EVE even have a butt? They were robots.

Then again, she supposed that their lack-of-anatomy was kinda what made this document possible.

Compartments Theory:

This one was actually kind of cute (well…duh…like anything COULDN'T be cute with these two).

WALL-E and EVE "explore each other's innermost compartments".

Which was not as wrong as it sounded, it was just WALL-E's trash compartment and EVE's plant compartment.

1000th Ghost wondered if this would even count as "sex". It was kind of just like…maybe second base, robot version?

Anyway, she liked this one because it was intimate while still retaining the cute factor.

Story time!

What, you didn't honestly think you could escape without 1000th Ghost's interpretations, did you?

Don't worry, they're not even real stories, just snippets and beginnings and stuffs.

1000th Ghost kinda liked the vibe of Cornelius and Irene (aka WALL-E's and EVE's alter egos in Hello, Dolly!) in one scene:

Cornelius put his arm around I1000th Ghosts waste AMAZINGLY tentatively and says something along the lines of, "I've never touched a woman before".

Irene replies, "You still haven't. That's my corset."

1000th Ghost could totally see WALL-E and EVE being just like this: WALL-E being so shy and nervous and just wanting everything to be right but really scared to death and EVE just sorta taking charge and helping him out.

BUT…she also liked the part where Cornelius was more or less, "I CAN'T HELP MYSELF!" and flat out kisses her.

So…she decided to play around with these concepts and make some scenes.

Tengo tres:

WALL-E Initiates:

Background:

Um…they're married. Coming back from the reception. Kay.

EVE flew into the truck, her eyes still beaming.

They were married!

She giggled, the thought still new and foreign to her.

She still wasn't entirely sure what "being married" entitled. She had been created on the Axiom and had stayed on the Axiom for the majority of her relatively-brief existence.

WALL-E had been on Earth for seven hundred years, picking up, not only the human's trash, but their artifacts, culture, and rituals.

"Marriage" sounded nice, and "love" sounded nice, and the "wedding" had been fun.

She heard WALL-E roll into the truck behind her and close the door.

Yes, it was all nice and fun, but what now?

She shrugged, her eyes scanning the room.

She supposed nothing would really change…they would be together and stay together, just as they had been and just as they would have continued to be, with or without "marriage".

"EEEEVAH…" she heard her "husband" say from behind her.

Her eyes turned quizzical.

He sounded so…so…

She scanned her hard drive but could find no word to quite describe the tone in his voice.

She cautiously turned around and stared at him blankly.

"WALL-E?"

He came closer…closer…

She felt something in her circuitry jump.

This…"feeling"…she had had it before. During their "dance". Their "kiss".

But it was somehow different this time. Stronger. Better.

He reached her and took her in his arms and began to tilt her backwards.

"WALL-E!" she exclaimed, more out of surprise than alarm.

He murmured soothingly, coming to rest on top of her.

And then he kissed her, but it wasn't a spark, it wasn't a fleeting sensation, it was a wave of electricity, for he did not pull away, and it did not end.

The electricity intensified, and he was doing something else, something new, and she did not understand but didn't care for there was only there and then and him and her…

…and sparks.

Both Initiate:

"He held me for an instant,
But his arms felt safe and strong…"

Drawing confidence from the words coming from the screen, he slowly, hesitantly placed his arms around her.

She didn't immediately pull out her laser cannon and demand to be released.

That was a good sign.

"It only takes a moment
To be loved a whole life long."

EVE giggled.

Even with all they had been through, all his trying, all her realizing, and, at last, the simple act of holding hands that finalized their feelings…somehow he still seemed so unsure, as if she would suddenly revert back to her old directive and lose everything she had gained since she met him, if he did the slightest thing wrong.

She stared at the screen, at the two young lovers proclaiming their feelings, and she got it. She understood that feeling: wanting someone who wanted you back, together forever in a perfect paradise.

And she understood that this was how he had been feeling even before they had met.

He had been so alone for so long…

And, even when he had found her, she was so cold and distant…

It was so sad that, had she had a heart, she was sure it would be breaking.

She wanted to do something for him but, not coming up with anything, settled for simply nestling her head on top of his binocular optics and sighing.

"EVAH?" WALL-E questioned.

Was she sad? He didn't want her to be sad.

He sighed.

It was probably because of something he had done wrong. What had he been thinking, trying to hold her? He was always doing that…trying to try things that she either didn't understand or didn't want.

Regret evident in his eyes, he began to move his arms from her sides - only to have them stopped by her own hands.

"No," she said simply, lifting her head to face him, placing his arms back around her. "Stay."

Softly humming "It Only Takes A Moment", she leaned down to give him a spark kiss.

They drew back, and each saw it in the other's eyes and knew that there was no going back.

It was an accidental discovery that they did not set out to find. But they had and, as frighteningly new as it was, they couldn't stop.

"EEE…VAH…?"

He was probably messing this up too. It felt like he was doing this right…whatever "this" was…but how could he know if she felt the same?

All he wanted was for her to be happy…even if it meant forsaking his own pleasure.

Disappointedly, he began to untangle himself from-

"WALL-E" she pleaded, her eyes full and staring up at him desperately, "…don't…stop…"

And finally he realized that she was happy, and he didn't have to be afraid of trying or of her reactions to his trying.

He eagerly complied until exhaustion prevented him, and he laid his eyes against her frame, trembling.

"I…"

EVE stopped, unsure of what she wanted to say. Something must be said, something needed to be said…

"And that is all
That love's about,
And we'll recall when time runs out
That it only took a moment
To be loved a whole life long…"

"I…love you."

EVE Initiates:

She was patient.

Well, truth be told, no, she was not patient.

In fact, she was so impatient that she usually opted to simply shoot a problem rather than wait around for it to correct itself.

But, ever since he came into her life, she had at least tried to be patient.

But she had her limits.

"WAAALL-E…"

He looked up from across the truck where he had been busy organizing one of his collections.

"EVAH?" he said, uncertainly.

There was a certain something in her eyes, a look that he hadn't seen before. He was almost afraid.

"EVAH?" he asked again as she started to hover over to where he stood.

She looked practically…hungry. She wanted something from him…and, knowing EVE, she was going to get it.

"Directive…" she said seductively, pressing herself against him.

He practically fell over backwards.

"E-EVAH?" he stammered.

"Directive"…he was her directive now. He knew that. Maybe that was all she wanted.

Hoping that he had deciphered her strange mood, he reached up to give her a spark kiss – only to have her pull away.

She shook her head. "More…"

This time he did fall over, and she made sure that he stayed that way.

"More than kisses…"

Cute Theory:

First of all, 1000th Ghost would like to apologize for the "wedding" idea in the first story. Not that it wasn't a good idea, but she just found out that it didn't make sense. In a cute way.

In the commentary of the deleted scene "Dumped" (which, by the way, was practically a theory on its own. no, it was not sex, but it was certainly more passionate than the spark kiss in space!), it said that in that scene WALL-E was trying (and failing) to propose to EVE.

1000th Ghost always thought it was just another "hold my hand" moment, but, no, apparently he was actually proposing to her.

And she didn't get it just because she didn't really know what romance was yet.

Which brought 1000th Ghost to her final theory: the Cute Theory.

So, WALL-E attempted to "propose". Did that this mean that they would have a church wedding with a white dress and cake? No. It means that they were simply going to "be together" forever.

(although a robot wedding is still a nice concept)

Here was the point: WALL-E and EVE were cute. They didn't need sex. They didn't need anything except each other.

And maybe "holding hands" was sort of on the same level as "sex" for them.

Notice that, yes, they hugged and kissed and danced, but what did they want more than anything? What was the final touch? What was the POINT OF THE ENTIRE MOVIE?

That they wanted to hold hands.

Because from their limited knowledge of love (which consisted of pretty much that one clip from Hello, Dolly!), holding hands is the equivalent of "I love you".

A kiss could be one-sided, a hug could be one-sided, but holding hands required two voluntary responses.

Which explained why WALL-E constantly tried to hold EVE's hand: he could hold her hand one-sidedly (aka saving her from the dust storm and during the bench scene of their "date"), but what he really wanted was for her to return the "I love you" gesture. That was why, more often than not, he more or less "asked", "Will you hold my hand?"

Then, at the end of the movie, when she finally did hold his hand…then he finally knew that she finally felt the same way. FINALLY.

And it absolutely oozed cuteness. Nothing but cuteness. Nothing sexual, nothing perverted, just cute.

Which is just the way it should be.

THE END