He'd been to a lot of funerals in his life, especially after the whole Narada incident. But he'd been to a lot more since then. A lot more than he ever wanted to and it never got easier. Watching as the person's loved ones grieved for them, knowing that they'd never see that person again. It was hard to let go of someone you loved dearly, hard to move past the sorrow you felt knowing that they would never talk or smile or laugh again.

He never thought what it would be like to go to his own funeral. In fact, when he was younger he never imagined that anyone would even show up to it. His mother, maybe. Or his brother. Certainly not his step father, unless his mother forced him to go. He never thought that he'd become anything in life, that his passing would just be one of those that people maybe heard about and spent two seconds feeling sad for the young life that was wasted and taken too soon. He never thought that there would be people who would show up and shed tears. That there would be hundreds of them, all of whom he'd had some impact on in his lifetime. Never thought that his lover would have to sit there and watch him be buried.

And he never, ever wanted to witness it.

Yet, there he stood, in the back of the room, watching. Watching as the people piled into the room to give their respects, watching as his best friend stood up and said a eulogy and talked about the day they met and good times they had at the academy. Watching as a single tear rolled down his lovers face. His heart broke at the scene.

Death wasn't supposed to be like this. It wasn't supposed to hurt. The person dying was supposed to move on, not have to watch as the people in their life mourned their death. This wasn't part of the dying deal. When you die that's it. There's no limbo, no afterlife, and certainly no hanging around to watch your own funeral. There's just being dead. Period.

So why is he here? Why is he being forced to watch this? He looks around at all the faces. At those of his crew, the family that he created for himself. He loved each and every one of them and it hurt him to see their tears. He looks to where his lover is sat next to his father and how even Sarek seems to be showing a bit of emotion, though it is well concealed from the untrained eye. And then he focuses completely on Spock. The man he loves. Loved. The man that he should have bonded with, should have spent a long long life with. He wants to reach out to him. To hug him, hold him, tell him everything will be alright. But he can't, so he watches. He looks over to see Ambassador Spock, who hasn't bothered to try and hide his feelings and, really, he can't be blamed. He's had to lose him twice in his lifetime.

It's all too much for him. He wants to run away. He wants to scream. He wants to do anything but be here right now. He walks toward the casket where his body is lain, though he doesn't look in. Doesn't want to see himself dead, doesn't know if he can take the finality of such an action. He takes a deep breath and takes another step forward and then another until he's standing right in front of the casket. He finally looks down and sees... nothing. What?

He turns around and there's no one else in the room. It's completely empty. He turns back to the casket and now its gone, too.

"It's time to wake up now, Jim," McCoy's voice says from behind him. He turns around to face him.

"Bones?"

"You have to wake up. Spock's practically showing emotion here."

"Bones, what's going on?"

"Just open your eyes..."

He wakes up with a gasp and tries to sit up, but two strong arms hold him down. He looks around frantically and notices that it's Spock's arms that he's in. McCoy is standing next to him, scanning him, and the Ambassador is standing just to his right.

"What's going on?" Jim asks, his eyes squinting out the light.

"Computer, decrease lights 20%," he hears Spock say.

"Bones?"

"You're alright, Jim. We nearly lost you, but you're alright," McCoy said.

"What happened?" Jim asked weakly.

"You almost died. If it hadn't been for the meld with Spock, which significantly lowered your body's systems, hence slowing your body completely shutting down, you would be dead."

"...but, I was dying, I felt it."

"You were. And now you're not."

"You found a cure?" Jim asked hesitantly. He didn't want to get his hopes up.

"Sort of," McCoy answered and Jim's heart dropped. Spock moved closer to him and allowed Jim to move, but only slightly so that he was now in Spock's arms. "We found a treatment. Well, the Ambassador found a treatment."

"Based on your research, Doctor," the Ambassador said.

"Anyway, we have a treatment and I'll continue to try and find a cure, but this'll ensure you don't die before that happens."

"A treatment," Jim repeated, his head leaning back onto Spock. He reached out and grabbed his hand. "So I'm going to be fine?"

"Well, now I didn't say that. This isn't a cure, Jim. You'll still be sick, though nowhere near to the degree you have been. You'll be weak a lot, and your immune system is significantly compromised, but you'll be better." Jim let himself smile. He turned his head to look at Spock.

"I'm not going to die," Jim told him and Spock allowed a small smile.

"No, t'hy'la, you're not."

"Right," McCoy said. "I'm gonna leave you two... three, alone. Jim, just remember that you're not better. This doesn't mean you get to go back to the way you were before, so just take it easy, alright? I'll be in my office if you need me." He took a step back and moved to leave .

"Bones, wait," Jim said and pushed himself away from Spock. The elder Spock was standing right there and helped Jim to steady himself and Jim launched himself into McCoy's arms. "Thank you." McCoy returned the hug before pulling back, but keeping a hand on Jim to keep him steady.

"You're welcome," McCoy said, sincerely and they shared a look in which Jim let him know how grateful he was. McCoy nodded at him. "Now get back in bed. What part of 'take it easy' means jump up from the goddamn bed?" Jim smiled at McCoy before allowing him to steer him back to the bed where Spock was waiting for him.

"Bones, I'm alive," Jim said, and his smile was contagious.

"I know," McCoy said.

"I thought... I really thought that was the end."

"I'm not gonna lie to you, kid, it was damn close. The Ambassador and the doctors on New Vulcan had come up with the treatment, but they were too far away to hand deliver it. I had to synthesis it myself and I almost didn't get it finished in time."

"But you did," Jim smiled. "Don't you dare beat yourself up over what could have been. It's illogical."

"Right, when you start talking like Spock, that's my cue to get outta here," Bones said with a slightly exaggerated cringe. "I'll come back and check on you in a couple hours. If you're still doing alright then I'll clear you to go back to your room. And don't even think about asking to go back to work or finding the treatment will have been for nothing, cause I'll kill you myself." Jim just laughed and settled himself into the bed as McCoy walked away. He gestured to Ambassador Spock for him to join him and Spock made himself comfortable, holding onto Jim again, as though fearing he might still be taken from him. Jim turned slightly to look up at him.

"I'm not going anywhere, Spock," Jim whispered.

"I know," Spock answered just as quietly.

"Bones said I'll be fine, so I'll be fine."

"It was too close, t'hy'la. I felt you dying in the meld."

"I'm sorry."

"It is illogical..."

"Spock," Jim stopped him. "I'm sorry. For everything. For making you go through all of this, not just feeling me dying in the meld, but before that. I should never have pushed you away like I did, and I'm so sorry. I've never been more sorry for anything in my life."

"You were forgiven a long time ago, Jim."

"I know, I just want you to know, now that there's a future for me, that I fully intend you have you there for every second of it. That is, if you'll still have me."

"It would be my pleasure," Spock answered, lightly kissing Jim's forehead before tucking Jim's head under his arm. Jim smiled softly, allowing Spock to hold him. He fought to keep his eyes open, after everything his body went through, he was exhausted. "Rest, t'hl'ya," Spock said softly, noticing Jim's fatigue.

"You'll be here when I wake up?" Jim asked.

"Always," Spock promised.

-end-

I can't control my destiny,
I trust my soul, my only hope is just to be.

There's only now, there's only here,
Give in to love, or live in fear.
No other path, no other way,
No day but today.

This is a crappy end, and I'm so, so sorry, but I wanted to finish this. It's been a long, long time since I started this, and I always promised that it would be completed, I just never imagined that it would take this long. Thank you so much to everyone who followed this, and reviewed and just stuck with me for, what? Four years? Y'all are awesome and I hope you enjoyed my story.

All my best - Melissa.