Read this link first for the model: /2009/09/02/parent-teacher-conference-should-be-hilarious/

Dear Mrs. Munoz-Goldman,

My son Jimmy has been in your first grade class for a little over a week. Forgive me for contacting you by text, but I serve Starfleet and am off planet for the time being.

I understand from Jimmy's grandmother, his current guardian, that she has received messages from you regarding the fact that the school supplies he brought in are "incorrect". Please correct me if this is not the case.

Apparently, the model of PADD he brought with him is, in your words, "out of date and by the wrong manufacturer." Given the fact that the PADD he brought in is Starfleet issue and only three years old, I would think it can support any letter learning software or web systems the school uploads to it. I'll be happy to speak with your administrator about this if that is not the case, however.

Apparently he was also supposed to bring a set of ten 3 pencil leads. Since those do not seem to exist anywhere in the state of Iowa and they weren't deemed important enough for Jim's grandmother to actually order, she sent him with a box of 2 pencil leads. Those should be sufficient for a young child's purposes.

As to the other items on the supply list, the 24 pack of soybean crayons were less expensive than the 12 pack. Throw away the extra 12 colors if they are somehow offensive for classroom use. The Stratford pointed tip scissors you requested are also difficult to find. He has the rounded tip in his supply pod instead, and given the fact that Jimmy likes to cut things that he isn't allowed to cut, like his brother's hair, you might soon be glad of that fact.

40 gram, clear colored glue sticks also don't seem to be found, with is why Jim instead brought a 5 pack of 30 gram glue sticks with blue disappearing color. I assure you the blue actually DOES disappear and won't ruin the many craft projects he will bring home, show to me over comm, and will them be promptly discarded in the recycler.

The electronic notebook that connects to the PADD was also a dickens to find. I have no idea why you feel the children must have one that is 9X9 inches in measurement, when everyone sold online or in local stores is 10X10 inches. I did finally find the latter, and paid twice as much for it to have it shipped to our house.

I understand what the purpose of your "school supply list" really is. It is a test to see if your students' parents are gullible enough to follow all your directions and believe anything you say. It is a test of how far they are willing to go for their child's education. It must be, since many of the items on it were so ridiculously specific.

Here is my response. You will immediately cease harassing my son or my mother about his deficient school supplies. Jimmy has what he needs to do his work and that should be your only concern.

Last Wednesday, I encouraged Jimmy to bring the clip of his birth, the only non-medicated one in the last century according to my doctors, as his "show and tell." Tell me, did you know that women could scream like that? Did you realize birth naturally hurts? You do NOT want to mess with me, honey.

Last Friday, he asked me what it meant to "show his work" on math problems. I instructed him on how to "feel the numbers and their emotions". Did your class enjoy his interpretive dance? Jimmy is an excellent dancer.

Yesterday, he asked me what a "pedophile" was. I advised him that this was a "school word" that he should share with you. I will continue to advise him to ask the meaning of every embarrassing word or situation he comes across for the remainder of this school year if necessary.

You will stop harping on the school supplies. My son has what he needs to do his schoolwork, even if it is not what you want.

BTW, when you ask the children to draw pictures of their family? And my son draws his grandmother, his brother, myself in a spaceship and another spaceship exploding nearby. The correct response is "How wonderful that you included you father in the picture" and NOT "That's horrible, don't draw things like that!". If you hurt his feelings like that or ever make him feel ashamed of his father dying a hero again, your administrators will be hearing from Starfleet command. My deceased husband had many important friends, as do I.

Treat my son well, give him the grades he earns and don't mess with me. This is who you've chosen to tangle with, babe. A working mom who is very protective of her son. He is one of the few reminders I have left of a very special man. I have some clout and I'll use it when needed, in space or on Earth.

I am NOT a mother who follows directions, especially not from someone like you, who obviously has too much time on her hands. Keep that in mind.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Winona Kirk

Starfleet Science Division