NOTE: THIS STORY IS A RESUBMISSION. This story is a Mary Sue parody I wrote in 2005, depicting the bodily harm and social despair Mary Sues cause. Essentially: Mary Sues suck. It's quite short (maybe I'll do a longer version of it one day), but it was a joy to write, and I hope it will being a smile to your face if you, too, hate Mary Sues. God Bless You.

Note, all words from this point on are written by my greasy sixteen-year-old self, except for a few fixed typos, and keep in mind this story was written during the Melee era, so it includes no Brawl characters and it does include a healthy dose of Roy. Mm. Having read over this fic again, I think I should also mention that there are random stupid author's notes inserted in the flow of the story, and I think I should make it clear that they are supposed to be there, because this fic is a parody and sometimes bad writers insert random stupid author's notes in the flow of the story. You shouldn't do that. Stop.

Anyway, thanks for slogging through this long introduction, and I hope you will enjoy. :D

For those of you who may not know, a Mary Sue is an original character that is too perfect, and has no flaws, and for this reason, they are also really annoying. Most good original characters at least have some flaws, because it makes them more realistic. Mary Sues plague FFN to no end—you can find them in most of the popular sections. And yes, even the SSBM section (just type in something along the lines of 'new smasher' in the search box, and you can probably find several). There are also many hilarious Mary Sue parodies on FFN, so I decided to try one myself. And please know that it's supposed to be kinda bad, because it's a parody. And that I am definitely not aiming this at anyone's fic; that would be mean (I've written Mary Sues myself, guys). If you want to find out more about Mary Sues, just search on Google—there are all sorts of places all over the net dedicated to them.

Now transforming into highly annoying fangirl fanfiction writer mode…

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Disclaimer: I don't own Super Smash Bros. Melee but I do own Aurora WHO IZ MI VERY OWN MADEUP KHARACTER AND IS SUPER DUPER COOL YAYLOL:K

Rating: T (…It' so sad…my character dies…I bet you cry…it's so very sad…who cares about the random sex, or the violence, and that boring stuff…all that matters is that she dies…you're gonna cry…I'm crying already…(sniff)…did I mention it was going to be very sad?…)

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A Very Mary Tournament

Part I (The Beast Cometh)

It was yet another gloriously normal day in the Smash Mansion. Birds celebrated the first days of spring with happy melodies, while bees hummed along from flower to flower, collecting sweet honey. Nana and Popo, playing hide-and-go-seek in the backyard of the mansion, wrestled playfully with each other in the grass, while Pichu and Kirby chased butterflies floating on the gentle breeze. Two young lovers, Link and Zelda, held hands as they walked past Falco in a drunken state mercilessly beating Ness into a pulp. Yes, it was another normal day.

It was so normal, in fact, that is was too normal.

Much too normal.

Much MUCH too normal.

You wouldn't believe how much too normal it was.

For what was coming would change the lives of the Smashers forever. (Oh-ho, foreshadowing! I'm so learned.)

At dinnertime, the normalness of the day was still, in fact, present. The Smashers gathered in the dining hall for a normal dinner of stew and peas and Juicy Juice.

Sitting alone at one table, Zelda and Link held hands and looked deeply into each others' eyes and said meaningful things to one another.

"Zelda, I love you," Link said meaningfully, looking deeply into Zelda's eyes.

"Link, I love you," Zelda said meaningfully, looking deeply into Link's eyes.

Their lips locked in a meaningful kiss.

It was a very meaningful scene.

Link's two best friends, Marth and Roy, came over to the table and sat down across from Link and Zelda.

"Ugh!" Roy expressed his disgust. "The meaningfulness of this scene is nauseating!"

"I agree, Roy!" Marth said. "Let's talk about something unmeaningful, so as to offset the meaningfulness, and perhaps attempt to provide the readers with a good laugh!"

"Splendid!" Roy said. "How about hair! As fangirls seem to believe we have an extreme obsession with our beautiful hair!"

"Fantastic!" Marth said. "Hair. I love my hair."

"I love it too."

"Mine is beautiful."

"Mine is red."

"Indubitably!"

"I agree!"

However, Link suddenly stopped sucking face with Zelda with a glazed look over his eyes. Roy and Marth stopped their fascinating conversation to look worriedly at Link.

"Link, what's the matter?" Marth inquired.

Link's eyes narrowed. "My elf sense is tingling," he whispered.

Zelda's eyes widened. "Link, your elf sense hasn't tingled since Young Link fed firecrackers to Pikachu!"

"Yes," Link nodded. "Except this time, I don't think this will end in such a delightful display of colorful lights."

Roy furrowed his brow. "But Link, it's such a gloriously normal day, surely nothing strange or abnormal could possibly happen—"

Suddenly, there was a very mysterious-sounding knock on the door.

"Gasp!" Roy, Marth, Link, and Zelda said. Although technically they didn't say 'Gasp!', they just gasped, which is just a sharp intake of air. Jeebus, who knew?

By this time, all the Smashers were looking curiously to the door, which was still being knocked on mysteriously. Slowly, Mario stood up, walked to the door and pulled on the handle. The door swung open with a creak, and into the room walked a mysterious figure in a blue cloak, soaked with rain, even though it hadn't been raining…the figure was that mysterious, you see. All the Smashers craned their necks, trying to get a good look. The figure put a hand to the hood of the cloak and thrust it off with a dramatic flourish, at last revealing themself…

It was a girl.

A beautiful girl.

An extraordinarily beautiful girl.

An extraordinarily beautiful girl, with waist-length long hair that shimmered gold, even in the dim light. Her glittering bangs perfectly framed her heart-shaped face and accentuated her lightly tanned skin and her ruby-red lips, glossy and shiny, although untouched by makeup of any kind. Her deep, purple-blue eyes matched her outfit, a long blue dress with silver lining that hung just loose enough on her to emphasize her shapely hips and her thin but muscular body. She was beautiful. More beautiful than you, at least. More beautiful than your mother. Even more beautiful than the office assistant with whom your father is cheating on your mother (Yeah, that's right, I said it! Oh…you didn't know?…Oh wow…geez…I'm sorry…)

All the Smashers gathered around this strange girl in fascination. "Who…who are you?" asked Mario in a tentative voice.

"I," said the beautiful girl, in a voice so glorious and brilliant that it could make songbirds drop out of the sky and die in shame. "…am Aurora Ayame Glory-Angalou Aphrodite."

Besides Marth, Roy got a dreamy look in his eye. "Mmmm… Aurora Ayame Glory-Angalou Aphrodite…" His jaw went lax. He drooled a bit on Marth's sleeve.

Marth frowned in disgust at his slobbering friend. "Oh honestly, Roy, it's only a girl!" He suddenly looked up as the girl flashed him a sparkly smile.

"But you all can just call me Aurora for short." She gave him a delightful wink too.

"OH EM GEE, SHE IS SO HAWT!" Marth exclaimed, abandoning his usually immaculate speech in light of Aurora's hotness.

Aurora smiled a brilliant but sad smile. "Hello, Smashers, and thank you for being so kind as to let me into your home. I come from the planet Pulcherrimus, a normally beautiful and peace-loving planet. However, for the past ten years war has ravaged the planet. I," Aurora paused dramatically, tears sparkling in her eyes, "…am the only survivor. Master Hand, a good friend of mine, asked me to come to the Super Smash Bros. tournament, to start a new life." She smiled sweetly again, somehow managing to hold back her tears.

That did not keep the other Smashers from holding back theirs, though. The younger children cried as though someone had just stolen their candy, while the older Smashers cried as though someone had just stolen their virginity (BA DUM DUM! OH MAN THAT WAS A GOOD 'UN!). Even Link felt a small tear trickle down his strong features. Beside him, Marth and Roy flat out bawled, hugging each other for comfort. Yes, her story was just that tragic.

"But now that I am here, I can hopefully overcome the tragedies of my past and once again be happy." She smiled once again. The heavens seemed to open up above her and shower down their holy rays, and the angels sang a Hallelujah chorus, and there were rainbows and pretty fairies and little baby bunnies and all those sorts of nice things when she smiled. All the men and Marth drooled.

"Now," Aurora said, raising one eyebrow in a sexy but charming manner. "…who's room am I sleeping in?"

There was great chaos as all the men clamored to get Aurora's attention. She laughed a light, melodious laugh as she followed the storm of men to the dorms, her blonde hair swishing behind her.

Link stayed back with Zelda, staring after Aurora. "Zelda," he said. "I am in love with that girl."

Zelda turned an unpleasant shade of puce. "Excuse me?" she exclaimed shrilly. "What about us, Link? We have a very meaningful relationship! With meaning! Lots of meaning! Are you so shallow as to throw that all away just because some blonde-headed bimbo prances in here?"

"Hell, yeah!" Link answered, still staring after Aurora.

Zelda's face turned an even unpleasanter shade of purple. "Well, then!" she harrumphed, and stormed off to her room, muttering something about Link and Juicy Juice and cyanide.

Link rolled his eyes. Zelda was clearly just jealous of Aurora. Aurora. Mmmmmmm. Link ran to catch up with her, fell flat on his face as he slipped in the large puddle of drool on the floor, got back up, and started running again, his heart and mind filled with thoughts of the beautiful new Smasher.

Little did Link know just what he was about to get himself into. (Whoo, more foreshadowing! Damn, I'm good.)

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Thanks for reading, kiddos. There are some excellent Mary Sue parodies in my favorites section that are much kooler than this. Check them out.

…I BETTAR GET A BAJILLION MILLION REVIEWZ OTHARWIZE I WONT RITE ANYMORE OF MY AWESUM STORIE!11!1!WAWAWA ROYROXZORZMYSOXORZ!1!