I can't keep you
I can't hold you tight
I can't love you
See, despite my hurtful ways
I can still make you blush

No Good

"You did what!" Alice screeched at me, her hands on her hips. I gripped my coffee cup and looked around the café pointedly.

"That's why I told you here. I knew you were going to freak out, Alice," I whispered. "I just knew it."

Alice narrowed her eyes at me and cocked her head to the side. "Don't think just because we are in public I won't make a scene, Isabella Swan. I have no qualms about yelling at you."

"Yeah, I can tell," I mumbled.

She leaned back in her chair and studied me. My face grew red with shame. She sighed loudly and frowned at me. "Okay, so let me get this straight. Your father has a heart attack and your way of dealing with it is to sleep with your abusive and infidelious ex-husband."

"Is infidelious a word, Alice?"

Alice's cheeked flared in anger as she waved her hands at me. For a moment I thought she was going to slap me. I wasn't sure how much I would blame her.

"Oh! Oh, are we having a spelling test here or a morality test! Jesus Christ, Bella! What the fuck!" she hissed. A woman at the table next to us covered her son's ears and shot Alice a death glare.

"I don't know…" I tried to explain and tapered off. What possible explanation would rationalize my actions? In the light of day, my transgression seemed much worse than when I was lying on the kitchen floor, staring up at the dingy yellow light cast shadows on the ceiling. Everything about the previous night; that had seemed so dull at the time, now felt serrated against my guilt.

"Answer the question, Bella."

"I guess, yeah. That's how I dealt with it."

"What about everything Mike put you through? What about Edward? What were you thinking?" she asked in astonishment.

"Does it seem like I was thinking? I have no clue what came over me, Alice. But I can't take it back." Try as I might I knew that last night's actions were irreversible. I had the sense that all my strides toward a new life had been in vain. I didn't know what I wanted now. Who was I now? Was I an independent woman who seduces handsome men on the white sand in Mykonos, or was I the faithful wife of my high school sweetheart? Was there a middle ground?

"Are you going to tell Edward?"

I bit my lip and studied the foam on top of my latte. Tiny bubbles popping slowly: pop, pop. Edward was going to be an issue. How could I tell him that I would do that? How could I have done that? Still, I had no way of knowing how Edward really felt. We had certainly never had the talk.

"He deserves to know," Alice asserted.

"Why, Alice? Why does he? He and I aren't…"

"Yes, you are."

"No," I interrupted her. No matter how strong my feelings for Edward were, I knew that he was never real. "I would be kidding myself to think that. I don't deserve someone like Edward. Especially not now. I could never hold someone like him in the real world."

"Christ," Alice mumbled under her breath. She pursed her lips at me, shaking her head. "I don't know what to say to you Bella. I got the feeling you thought more of yourself than this."

I blushed in embarrassment and sat silently, drinking the dregs of my coffee.

Alice reached her hand out and patted mine. "Okay, you fucked up. I still love you. Now we just need to figure out what you're going to do.

"Yeah, that is the million dollar question," I mumbled to my empty coffee mug.

Miraculously, in the days that followed Charlie's heart attack, his condition vastly improved. He would wake up for a few minutes and squeeze my hand. He didn't talk again but I knew he was getting better. I stayed with him every day and had started reading him "Of Mice and Men" I knew how much he loved Steinbeck. Anything to help him along. What Charlie said confused me. Did Charlie want me to get back together with Mike?

Mike had me so confused. I couldn't tell which way was up. He would come every day during his lunch break and bring me things. We didn't talk about what had happened but it still hung in the air. He would ask me out and would tell him no. Every day he would bring me things, my favorite Italian dish, my favorite coffee, my favorite candy. I knew that he was trying to point out that he knew me.

What stung the most was that it affected me. I could help but relish the attention he was doting on me. It had been so long since I had seen that boy, I found myself smiling for a few seconds every time he would walk in the room, before recovering with a scowl just in time for him to see my face. I couldn't fight it, he did know me. He knew how I liked three packets of sweetener in my tea and how when I got really tired I would scrunch up my face to fight a yawn. He knew these things without asking— he knew them because as he had been showing me for weeks now—he really knew me. How long could I keep fighting him?

I knew how easy it could be. It would go back to the little box of a life we had before. I would work my job as a coffee girl and he would work late nights at the store. Maybe we would get pregnant again. I could see our lives in front of us. I was unsure how to proceed. I knew that a part of me would always care about Mike, could I let that part go?

Then there was Edward. Perfect, handsome sweet Edward, The man who said he loved me. I knew I didn't deserve him.

Deserve? Hell, I didn't even know what I wanted. As much as I wanted to say that I was stronger now— someone who would never allow herself to be fooled by graduation declarations and quarter carat rings— all I had done to cope was to leave. I had done it to Mike; I had done it to Edward. I wasn't fooling anyone, especially myself. I deserved every second of my struggle. I knew it, Mike knew it and eventually Edward would know too.

"Bella, I really need to talk to you. Would you please just have a drink with me? I don't want to talk about things in front of Charlie," Mike asked as I closed the book. Lennie had made his fatal mistake. I studied the broken cover of the book. It was a gift from Renee years before. Before I moved to Forks, before I met Mike, before the…

I couldn't allow my thoughts to wander to the dark place they always went. I had to be strong. I had to look towards the future.

"You know, I'm just going to keep bugging you until you finally relent. Just like our first date. I kept asking and asking until you agreed."

"I remember," I murmured to my lap. My chest felt tight and I flexed my jaw.

"I'm only going to be worse the more you let this go on. It will be like before, only this time I have more to lose."

I scratched my forehead at an imaginary itch, my attempt at nonchalance as I allowed the words to freeze over.

"You already lost me, Mike."

Mike scooted closer to me on the couch, his leg flush with mine. I damned the tingle of warmth from his contact. Why did he have to make this so easy to say yes?

He took my hand in his and gently squeezed it. "But you came back…"

"For Charlie! I came back for Charlie! I didn't come back for you." I was shouting now, my face flooding red in excitement and anger.

A flash of humor crossed Mike's face, but was soon gone. He gave me a stoic look as he let go of my hand. "I know, Bella, I know that you didn't come back for me. But I can't help but think that you would have. Just one drink. You can yell at me in the bar, all you want."

A million quips went through my head. Accusations and venomous slang. But as I opened my mouth all I could do was relent. "Fine, I'll have a drink with you."

His face broke out into a wide grin and he hopped up from the chair, shoving his hands into his pockets to hide his excitement. "Thanks Bells, How about seven at the pub? It should be fairly quiet."

I looked away at Charlie. I couldn't handle Mike's excited face any longer. All my composure was teetering. I needed to keep the upper hand here. My eyes boring down into the ugly painting on the wall above Charlie, I replied. "Okay, Mike, I'll see you there."

Mike hesitated in my peripheral vision—hoping for a friendly acknowledgement, I'm sure. I studied Charlie, memorizing every pore on his face until Mike turned to leave. Letting out a gush of air as the door closed, I listened as his footfalls became softer until they were gone.

Sinking my face into my hands, I replayed the conversation. I had agreed to drinks with him, I had slept with him. All this fighting of what—as it was becoming more apparent lately—I was going to end up doing anyway. The idea of the weight made me feel so much older than I was.

It was possible that what Mike had said was true. I couldn't see myself staying away from Forks. What exactly did I think I was doing in Greece? All I had done was left my anger here to mold in the soggy weather. The Grecian sun had done nothing but turn my contempt into confusion.

I couldn't even picture what would have happened if I had stayed with Edward. He had a life in Chicago. I had a life here. It was a fantastic venture into the sun— but in the end I knew I belonged here, where months of patient rains allow for short weeks of summer heat. That was what I knew.

I turned to Charlie gripping his hand. "What should I do Charlie? I am so confused. I need you now so much. Please fight back for me."

His color was getting better. I hoped in my heart, he would pull through. I couldn't help feeling like Charlie would want me to give Mike another chance. He always stressed the point of forgiving others. I felt like I was fighting a losing battle.

Charlie's eyes were shut and he looked so peaceful. I sat there with his hand in mine for a long while. With a lump in my chest I realized that I had already made the choice. I had gone there with Mike. I was the one who kissed him, who slept with him so readily—and to be honest, quite forcibly—I was the only one to blame for my matchstick love.

I tried to put off the phone call I knew would be so painful by picking up my mess from the morning. Dishes done, floors swept and laundry turning, I had no choice but to face it.

Edward's silky voice sounded clear in my ear. "Bella, I'm so glad to hear from you. I've been thinking about you all day."

I gulped. "Yeah, well I've been at the hospital. I was there all day."

"Is Charlie any better?"

"Yeah I think so. Hopefully he'll wake up soon. It was so scary last night…"

"Good, I can't wait to see you. How long after Charlie recovers will you come to visit me?"

I felt the moisture sting my eyes. He was making this so hard. Why couldn't he be mean? Why couldn't he be cold?

"Edward, how am I supposed to know?" I snapped. I gritted my teeth until I could force the ice to form in my tone. "I can only focus on Charlie right now. I can't be worrying about you too."

"You know that's not what I meant. I only mean that I miss you," he said, his tone apologetic.

I sighed loudly at him. "I miss you too, Edward. But the thing is I need to focus on Charlie. I don't think I can keep doing this with you. It's selfish. It's not fair to Charlie and more importantly it's not fair to you. You deserve better then what I can offer you. I would only end up hurting you in the end. I'm damaged, Edward."

"Bella, what are you saying? Are breaking up with me?" His voice got hard.

"Were we ever really together?" I gave an icicle laugh. "Let's be honest about this Edward, Greece was great but who are we kidding? I can't be the kind of woman who is with you, the kind who will be accepted, the kind to stand next to you at dinner parties and social functions. I'm not good enough. Greece was fun but we need to face reality."

"Bella you don't know what you're talking about. I want to be with you, that is all that counts. Nothing else matters."

I stared down the wolf painting hanging on the wall behind my father's favorite arm chair. I set my jaw as tight as it would go. I needed to power through this. The longer I was on the phone, the more time Edward had to break my resolve. "No, I know what I'm saying and I think you need to move on. I'm not right for you. I'm not good for you. I'm never going to be the one for you. Please understand that."

"Bella, I'm not going to argue with you about this. If you need some time I will give it to you. I'm not going to give up hope on us."

"I really wish you would. I'm not worth it, really." I confirmed sadly. "I'm only going to let you down."

"That is for me to decide." He paused. "You are being ridiculous right now and I'm not having this conversation."

"I slept with Mike," I blurted out. I shut my eyes tight as if not seeing the phone would make my actions disappear.

The silence was so lingering I wondered if I had only thought it.

"Did you hear me?" I asked after over a minute of reticence.
"Yes," he slowly drawled. I could picture him; sitting on a nondescript couch, a bottle of his favorite beer next to him and his fingers pinching the bridge of his nose.

"I…just…"

"Bella, I don't really know what to say right now," he interrupted softly.

"I didn't mean to, I was so sad about my father and he was just there…"

I heard a crash on the other end and I stopped talking.

"I wanted to be there. Remember that?" I closed my eyes tightly trying to keep a hold on my emotions. He swore under his breath. "I told you, I wanted to be there for you."

"You didn't mean it," I offered weakly.

"The hell I didn't! Don't you tell me what I do or don't mean!" he yelled. He sighed loudly and I could hear the soft squish of him covering the receiver with his palm.

When he returned his voice was harder, but quiet. "Bella, I will take some responsibility for this, I suppose."

"No, Edward! This is me, this is all me."

He rushed on without regard for my plea. "I take some responsibility, because I obviously wasn't clear enough with my feeling for you. We never discussed exclusivity; therefore I cannot be angry for you doing what you did."

I nodded stupidly even though I didn't agree with him at all. I just needed the movement; I needed the pain of my neck intensified.

"Now though, I am telling you, I want to be with you Bella, only you and I want you to do the same."

"Edward, I can't." I whispered.

"Are you really going back to your ex-husband?" he asked calmly, almost jokingly. As if the idea of me returning to Mike was so preposterous it was laughable.

"No, I don't know, maybe. I want to, but I want to be with you. Either way I hurt someone…"

"Too late," he interrupted softly. I fought back a sob at his cold words. On the other end I could hear him shake his head. "Bella, you have to know the extent of my feeling for you. But I can't do this right now. Let me know when you've made a choice. Call me when you've come to your senses."

I stared at the receiver for a minute. Did I just do that? Did I just make the biggest mistake of my life? What path had I taken to get here? I sat in the hard backed kitchen chair and sobbed into my shirt. It was over an hour, before I could drag myself off the table and walked to the bathroom. What was I doing? What a crazy, stupid girl I was.

I showered and changed into my jeans and a pink sweater. I focused on blow drying my hair instead of replaying our conversation in my head. I couldn't go back and take all those words back. I knew it was true. I wasn't good enough to be with Edward. I was a divorcee that never went to college. I had an entry level job and no social standings. Worst of all I was selfish, I slept with my ex-husband with no regard to how it would make him feel. I could never hold someone like Edward. He deserved better then a girl like me.

The way he tried to take the blame broke me down the most. After all that I had done. After everything I was lacking in the first place he wanted to take responsibility? It was acidic hole that was rotting through my chest.

Mike was sitting in a booth in the back. He had changed into a nice button down shirt and jeans. He was putting forth more effort than I had seen in forever. I slid into the booth and ordered a beer from the waitress.

"You look nice, Bells."

"Thanks you too." We looked at each other awkwardly before I broke contact. "So how are your parents?"

"They're good. The store's been really busy. You know with Christmas coming up in a few months. Trying to get everything in order, you know."

"Yeah, I remember."

We sat there silently drinking our beers. This silence was so different than the one with Edward. It was softer, a cloying feeling that didn't nag at me.

"So last night…" he started.

I put a hand up to stop him. "I don't want to talk about that. Last night was a mistake." I looked down at my barren ring finger and gently touched the indented skin. My voice was a feather against the table. "Such a mistake."

Mike grabbed my hands and gripped them tightly between his. "Bella, I know I have no chance of you forgiving me, but I just needed to be near you. I can't tell you how, I sorry I am for doing that to you. I was an idiot…"

"Yeah, you were an idiot," I interrupted.

"Yeah, I was an idiot for thinking; that I could do that to you. I'm the most selfish person ever."

"You are selfish."

"I am so sorry Bella. Please give me another chance. I would spend my whole life making it up to you. Say you will."

I shook my head at him. "Mike, you don't know how much what you and Jessica did hurt me. I was a wreck for months. If I hadn't left, I don't think I could even have this conversation with you. You cheated on me. I gave you everything I had to offer and you threw it away for a little fun in the back of your car. And the worst part is that she was my best friend."

"I know, I know. I am an awful person. I took you for granted." His eyes began to water. I handed him a napkin and looked away embarrassed.

"Mike, I don't even understand how this happened. I need you to explain everything to me before we can even talk about getting back together." My voice was firm and my eyes were dry.

He wiped his eyes with the napkin and pursed his lips. "Do you really. I mean, won't it be hard to hear?"

"Maybe, but if you want me back I need to be able to trust you. How can I trust you, if you won't tell me the truth? I'm a big girl, Mike, I can handle it." I affirmed.

He hesitated for a moment before sighing heavily. "Jessica and I started seeing each other last September after your birthday. You remember right? When we went out to the Lodge and then we came here…"

I nodded stupidly, bile rising in my throat. I remembered the night. I had gotten food poisoning from rancid chicken.

"Well after that night, she came to the store and asked for my help moving some things in her apartment. I went over after work. We had a few drinks, started reminiscing and one thing led to another." He paused to check my expression. I kept my face blank, I had betrayed enough by now. He drummed his fingers against the table nervously.

"It felt nice to be around someone who just craved me, even if it was only for a few hours. You and I—we, had never been the same after the baby. I wanted someone to adore me."

He looked at me, pained. I nodded for him to go on. "Afterward, I felt so bad I didn't even want to face you. I was sure you knew. I tried to stay away from Jessica but it was inevitable that we would see each other. After weeks of trying stay away from each other we began to sleep together. We couldn't help it.

"And then we found out she was pregnant. I told her to take care of it but she refused. She said that she would raise the baby on her own if she had to. She told me that she didn't need me, I believed her. Still she came around the store at least once a week. Sometimes we would have sex, sometimes she would ask for money. I was planning on ending things soon, until you found us. When you left Jessica decided we would make it work. She moved in and we tried to live together."

Mike stopped to put his head in his hands. I saw his shoulders shake. I felt the urge to comfort him, but I also was secretly pleased that he was so upset. I finally felt vindicated for all my pain. What was that phrase. Misery loves company? How true. "Mike, go on. You need to tell what happened."

He sat up slowly wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. "It wasn't the same, she wasn't you. She didn't know how to talk to me when I was sad. She couldn't make my favorite pancakes. She is a huge slob and I had to clean the house all the time. We fought all the time. We tried to make it work but it didn't work at all. I need you. I need you to be there for me. It was never her, it's always been you."

I felt my heart rip at the seams. "Damn it Mike, why do you always do this? You know my weaknesses. You know exactly what to say. It's not that easy for me, to forgive you, to let this go. I had my heart broken. And what about the baby? Did you forget that you have a baby coming into the world, what next week? The week after? Did that little fact slip your mind?"

"No, but we're not together anymore. I just thought…."

"What, Mike? Pray tell, what you were thinking. Did you think you could sweet talk me and I would just fall back in love with you, no questions asked? That is not how it works at all. You know what? Maybe I've moved on. Did you think of that? It's been almost six months. I need to move on eventually."

He sputtered. "Are you seeing someone?"

"I was," I confirmed. I was sure I was forsaken the minute I said was. Edwards smile flashed in my mind and I closed my eyes to fight the tears I worried would come. Mike was silent across from me, waiting for me to finish.

"I met him in Greece. It wouldn't have worked out, but I was seeing someone."

I composed myself into the same icicle I was earlier with Edward. I crossed my arms and leaned back in the booth. "What? Are you shocked that I could move on?"

"No, of course not. I'm just surprised that all," he replied, sheepishly.

"Well, these are the repercussions of your behavior."

"Yeah, I know, you're right. I can't be mad. I just want to know that we'll be okay," he muttered.

I huffed and shook my head. "Mike, if you want this work out, you need to show me you have changed and that you have grown up. Do you think you can do that?"

"Yeah I can, I'll show you how much I've changed. It's a new me, Bella."

I got up to leave. "I'm going to go now. If you want to see me call me and set up a date. We're doing this right."

Mike stood up in front of me. "I will." He wrapped his arms around me in a stiff hug. "Thank you Bella, I love you. I love you so much."

I stared at him and felt a spasm of panic. Was I making the right choice, how would I know which road was the right one to go down? Nodding curtly at him, I pulled away and walked out into the dark moon light.

The Ravonettes-Blush

So there is the angst and such. Don't hate Bella too much. She can't see what we all clearly do. Don't worry things will be resolved in time. Thank you to my readers for putting up with me. If you have any suggestions I would love to hear them. I know Bella's choice of leaving Edward seems awful. Most of us didn't love Edward leaving in New Moon. We all make mistakes. Reviews are better than ruffled tulips.

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.