Gesture Me Home2 - *Lemony*

Teeny Tiny Twilight

I am obviously the most delusional person to walk the face of this earth.

Ever.

In my mind, this is how it is supposed to work. I stumble through life—literally—get along on a good job and some close friends, find the only person in the world that can tolerate me and that I can love in return, everything falls into place, and we all live happily ever after. I can't be the only one. Even my not so sub subconscious was reeling, screaming: What happened?

Not that I wasn't unhappy. Not all the time. I figured that my life would run the fairy tale course, especially since Edward had been so open in the beginning. And he was for a few weeks. But then something started to happen.

You would think as a psychiatrist I would have not only not been shocked by his sudden distance, but would never have been disillusioned in the first place after seeing all the lives that did fall apart on a regular basis. I even should have understood the way I caught him looking at me sometimes when he thought I wasn't looking. Confused and anxious.

I imagined that it was because he was scared to commit. He had never had a serious relationship before. So I did what I would have told my patients to do. We planned to go to an unbiased environment for a day just for us, and then we would talk, spend time together and clear the air again.

He agreed and we had gone off. We ended up pulling into the sketchiest motel on the highway because Edward was suddenly too exhausted to drive the extra fifteen miles to the next—hopefully better—hotel. I offered to drive the rest of the way, but he just snapped at me that I was too picky. So I shut up and we rented a room.

By the hour.

---Flash back---

"Oh my god."

Even Edward's eyes widened as he took in the rat sitting happily on our stained bed spread. Impassive and cold for the last two weeks straight, I almost screamed in delight and thanked the rat for changing his expression to something softer. The rat squeaked and jump up onto the faded wooden head board, it's nails clicking quietly before disappearing into a hole in the wall.

Edward slowly turned towards me, waiting for a fit of epic proportion. Maybe it was because of the way the rat looked like it had been waiting for us, or the fact that none of this was going the way I had planned, or maybe it was just the plain relief that Edward was acting like a human being again, but I fell into a fit.

Of laughter.

We avoided the bed completely, taking a fancy to the only chair in the room. We sat together for a while and Edward seemed relieved (another emotion!) that I hadn't gone diva on him.

And then the rat's cousin snuck out from under the chair by Edward's foot. It was close enough to see the crooked whisker on the left side of his little ratty face.

So we spent the rest of the night with our feet curled under us laughing about the absolute ridiculous predicament. We managed to safely get onto the topic of expectations. "I really don't want to get married." I admitted, and Edward turned to me with something akin to relief. His eyebrows shot up and his eyes widened for a moment, assuring me it was real intrigue.

"Why?"

I shrugged, leaning my head against his shoulder. "I would rather never get married, and just spend my life with someone that I love with only that trust, than ever have to get a divorce. I don't ever want to pit myself against someone I used to love." Edward rested his head on top of mine, demonstrating the depth of his trust in me. His most important part of him—his head—resting against mine was the one of the most intimate gestures I had ever experienced, and these few moments made up for all the weeks of remoteness that I could never see as anything but rejection.

We stayed up most of the night talking until I suggested we take turns keeping watch (our door didn't have a lock either, we found). I was the first, and Edward was supposed to wake me up in two hours so he could get some sleep in too. I ended up waking up on my own the next morning. Edward had never woken me up in the night, content to stay up all night watching over me.

---end flashback---

I sighed sadly, and that openness lasted about a week before Edward lapsed back into his cold aloof attitude. I couldn't even have the peace of mind in knowing that at least he was trying to commit. He had made sure there was nothing keeping him tied with me. Our relationship was 'open', meaning he could go off and have sex and then come back to me without guilt, because open meant cheating without being able to get into trouble. I was on the same terms of course, but I didn't want to go out and have meaningless sex, or date two people at once. I couldn't understand why Edward didn't just drop the whole open thing. He hadn't slept with anyone either.

Sometimes at bars, a girl would flirt with him, but his belly button would always be towards me—the object of his attentions. Sometimes when a really pretty women would flirt with him, he would stare at her with this unfathomable confusion, like he was struggling hard to understand something. And then after the woman lost interest and moved on to someone more cooperative, he always got snarky with me. I usually stayed out of their exchange, suffering silently on the side.

Stop. Concentrate. Stop. Concentrate. I jolted back to the present, I had a patient coming in in less than fifteen minutes and I had hardly prepped. I had their file in front of me with last session's notes, but I hadn't made any progress in which way we were going to try and steer the conversation today.

The door to my office opened, and I had a mini heart attack, checking my clock again to be sure that it was still fifteen minutes to the hour. They couldn't be early, my receptionist would have asked them to wait a little while.

My heart speed up further when I saw it wasn't my patient but Edward, grinning at me from the door. He had managed to carry the crooked smile with him into the half relationship thing we were engaged in, but rather than two faces, they were both his, one just carried a secret. He walked over and fell into the long chair in front of my desk. The chair I sat in when a patient was here was across from him to decrease the intimidation factor.

"How would you like to dissect my brain Dr. Swan?" the way he was sitting should have said he was at ease, but his legs were braced, ready for attack.

I smiled sadly, "I really should be getting prepped." I admitted, and then gave up and put the file down. Edward smiled expectantly, and I leaned my head on my hand, showing the exact same thing he was. Ill at ease, my arm was between my chest as a similar defensive manoeuvre to his. I dropped my arm immediately and tried for a more open position. "Alright Mr. Cullen, what would you like to talk about?"

Edward's eyes looked up to the left, touching his ear and I shot him a dark look. "Don't lie to me Edward."

He stared at me for a moment of surprise as I caught him inventing an answer. If he had looked up and to the right he would have been trying to remember something. "I'm sorry." He blurted immediately. And then he groomed himself, running his hands though his hair, trying to make himself better for me. And then his eyes narrowed, "How do you do that?"

I shrugged, "Human's are social creatures, and our species depends on that. Lying go against the instinctive 'community' aspect of society so you have ways of trying to warn me that you are lying. Your blood moved up to your head in embarrassment and makes your ears itch, and you do this particular thing with your eyes." I watched him rub his ear, smiling.

"Alright, so I came be honest with you." He bowed his back, bending himself so that the top of his head faced me in a sign of trust. "I'm horrible with...commitment. I'm not just having a rough period between jobs, I've never been able to hold a job down for more than a few months." He looked up to judge my expression, worried.

I smiled, more happy that he was being open with me than anything else. My body moved into a more naturally open position in response. "Edward—"

He cut me off, now that he was sure I wasn't going to break up with him because he wasn't making thousands of dollars a week. I could more than take care of myself financially. "But I wanted to prove that I'm past all that." His foot started tapping nervously, not convinced by his own words. His hand came up to his mouth to keep the truth from slipping through his lips. "I want you to be my girlfriend, rather than just the girl I'm dating."

He stood up and came around my desk to me, cupping my head in his hands. Cupping my head was his way of blocking out the rest of the world, and I knew he wanted what he said, but I also knew with a sinking feeling in my stomach that he wasn't even ready to declare me his girlfriend. Before I could try and say anything—to let himself talk through it to a means to show me he wanted me without stepping too far out of his comfort zone—his lips were on mine.

Everything went mushy, but my heart jumped into a frenzied beat. He pulled away after a passionate kiss, and smiled at me with bright eyes. "I'll see you later." He promised, nearly skipping out of my office. I stared after him, still breathless.

My patient walked in thirty seconds later to remind me I was screwed.

Later, while I was at home staring at the container of pasta in my hands, silently cursing Edward for not giving me a time he would be over at. Do I cook the whole package in case he comes, or risk throwing out all the food if he comes in after dinner? My whole body was buzzing, and I thought that maybe, just maybe, I had miscalculated and Edward was ready to make us an item. At just the thought of that security, of knowing that I wasn't just a fall back made me feel...amazing. Like I could fly.

I bit my lip and happily poured the entire package of noodles in, then went over to mix the sauce. The doorbell rang, and I smiled grandly, glad to have put the package in. I knew how Edward eats.

"Come in!" I called. I heard the door open, then close loudly. The hair on the back of my neck prickled.

I distinctly heard his footsteps when he came into the kitchen; I smiled, hoping he could smell the sauce as clearly as I could. That's right, Bella Swan knows how to get into your head and stomach. I turned towards him, grinning smugly, about to ask him if he wanted a taste, but my smile faltered when I saw his expression.

He was livid.

His fists were clenched at his sides, his jaw taut; he glared down at me raised to his full height. Instinct took over, and I fell into my faux calm facade. People can feed of strong emotion, especially anger or fear. The best way to diffuse the situation, in my experience with angry unstable people, was to relax completely but hold my ground. But Edward wasn't unstable, so I shouldn't be as scared as I was. "Edward?" I asked gently, not moving.

"I trusted you!" He exploded, "I came to you and I told you I wasn't ready for anything serious and you guilted me into it! You put me in your patients chair and you fucked around with my head!"

He was breathing hard, and I could feel my breath quickening too, though not in anger, or even fear now, but because I was sure the room was loosing air. "Edward..." I whispered, not sure what to say. What to make out of his accusations other than to plead not guilty.

He stared me down. "Burn in hell." He hissed, and then stormed back out, slamming the door behind him.

I felt for a chair, and stumbled back into it, not quite able to stand on my own. The silence was deafening, the seconds ticking too loudly on the clock. Finally, I got the strength to stand up shuffling numbly over to the stove turning the elements off.

I was vainly distracting myself from the tight chested feeling—the one that had come with Edward and refused to leave with him—by trying to analyse what had happened today in my office, and then here and....

I saw the empty packet of spaghetti and bust into tears.

----

I was late for work.

I ran through the building, so glad that I couldn't wear heals without being the catalyst for some great catastrophe. I burst into my office, panting.

Twenty minutes, I had twenty minutes to prep for my patient since I hadn't been able to concentrate last night.

Mental break downs do that to you.

I had taken two steps into the room when I realized the particular incident of my office being unlocked. And then half a second later that a Mr. Edward Cullen was sitting in my patient chair. I was having a terrible moment of Déjà Vu.

Don't run my subconscious pleaded as adrenalin soaked into my bones, doubling my strength.

"What do you want Edward?" I sighed, putting the great black bag of files onto my desk a little harder than necessary. Don't analyze him or you'll forgive him. I purposely kept my back to him for just that reason.

He didn't answer, and I couldn't help but turn to look at him. He was sitting on his hands. Human's weren't always as verbal as we are now, we used to communicate mostly with gestures, and sitting on your hands is a way of editing what you're saying. Usually because your trying not to say too much, trying not to screw up. In Edward's case, trying not to make matters worse.

"I am so terribly sorry. So sorry that sorry doesn't even cover it. I just...please, can I have another chance?" Edward's breathing was heavy with emotion, his eyes huge and pleading.

I leaned against my desk, arms crossed glaring. Everything about my body language was closed off. "I'm going to say a word, and you are going to tell me what comes to mind, alright?" Edward nodded eagerly, confused but willing.

"Abuse."

Edward stopped breathing. "Bruises." He whispered, and then considered the word a little and bowed his head. "Emotional abuse. Attacking you for no reason."

I sighed and leaned back against my desk, my hands going back to brace me, my body language unintentionally opening to him. Dammit. I didn't know how long I could keep doing this.

"I swear, Bella, I would never...." he choked over a word he couldn't get out. "I never want to hurt you." He whispered instead.

----

Hello, I'm Gullible, please meet my not-quite-boyfriend Persuasive.

Edward had not only convinced me back into our half relationship, but he had roped me into meeting his friends. And then in the passenger seat of Edward's car, on the way to his buddies' house, I burst into laughter.

He looked over, surprised. He hadn't lapsed back into his cool attitude yet, for which I was glad. The best moments of my life were being spent with Edward, though I think that had less to do with the moments and more with Edward just being there. Of course I was also having the most painful moments of my life on our little roller coaster. He smiled at my expression, a full faced smile. A head over heals smile that I only saw on good days. And even some bad sometimes. "What's so funny?"

I snickered, "Just remembering my office party when you were supposed to me my friends."

Edward frowned a little in embarrassment. "Yeah...well I did eventually get to meet them."

---Flashback---

"Edward?" I hissed down yet another empty hallway. I was beginning to think that the reason he had our 'open' relationship thing was so that—in times like these—he could run off with one of my drunk co-workers without culpability.

He had been right behind me when I had stepped off the elevator, and now he was gone. I needed a leash.

I sighed and grabbed a flute of champagne, taking a too big swallow of it. Please let him not end up sucking on my boss's breast, or mounting my secretary. I sighed, and went back to the elevator where I'd lost him, hoping that I might be able to escape before anyone knew he was with me.

I pushed the button for the elevator and watched all the bright numbers counting up. The doors slid open, and there was Edward, acting as the elevator attendant. "Floor twenty three, have a nice evening."

The couple that walked in—one of them was vaguely familiar—looked impressed. We have never had anything close to something as fancy as an elevator attendant. I stepped into the elevator, raising an eyebrow. "Should I ask?"

Edward looked away, pressing all the buttons until each was glowing orange. "You're friends are going to hate me."

I blinked startled. I tried to imagine someone like Angela hating someone. Honestly, I couldn't. "Why would you think that?"

Edward gestured down at himself. "Bella, I borrowed this suit. There isn`t enough hair gel in the world to keep my hair from looking like I just rolled out of bed, and I`m horrible at first impressions. Not everybody gives me as many chances as you do. I'm not good enough for you, and the moment they realize that, I'm toast."

I sighed, taking his hand and leaning against him. "Come on, Edward. If you weren't good enough for me, don't you think I would have realized that?"

"No." He muttered.

I thought about it, and then grinned. "How about we stay on the elevator and get drunk on expensive wine?"

We stayed on the elevator for half the night, pulling gags. I think the best was when Edward smacked himself in the head, hissing "shut up all of you. Shut up!" The person being pranked was Joseph, a new psychiatrist specializing in Multiple Personality Disorders. I don't think Edward was expecting anyone to offer to make the voices go away. Edward stared at him, and then smiled grandly,

"This is a borrowed suit."

I ended up luring Edward out once he had met everyone at the party through the elevator. It was probably the best office party ever.

And believe it or not, all my friends liked him.

---end Flashback---

Edward pulled into a drive way, and nervous butterflies crashed around inside my stomach. "Okay, I understand the nervousness now." I admitted. Except we didn't have an elevator to get drunk in this time, my subconscious goaded.

Edward laughed, "You think this is bad? Imagine trying to impress at some spiffy social event. That is terrifying."

I sighed and stepped out of the car. Edward came around while I stared at the house, trying to imagine the people who lived inside it. Edward slipped his hands into mine, "Ready?"

"No, but they're going to think I'm insane anyways. What's the difference?" I laughed nervously, and then ran a hand through my hair, grooming to impress. He squeezed my hand, and lead me into the house.

I fully expected Edward to drop my hand the moment we walked in the doors. Holding hands in front of people is a sign of pride, and people scared of commitment don't want anyone to get the wrong impression. Even if it's true. Edward surprised me by keeping my hand in his, greeting his friends who were sitting on the couch and introducing me.

I forgot each of their names the moment he said them, all except Emmett, only because it sounded like a grandfather's name. He looked younger than I was even with his burly muscle. It must be his dimples, I decided, and the too big, open, childlike smile.

I waved back shyly. The blood haired one who had an old name too, his name reminded me of Casper the friendly ghost because it rhymed stared at me with wide eyes. "Bella Swan? As in Isabella Swan? As in the great Isabella Swan that catched criminals? Do you know there's a new series on TV based on you?"

I felt my face heat, "I—I guess. And I've seen it once." Honestly, it sucked, and not just because the actress portraying me had bigger breasts than I did and had every man imaginable being drawn in by her presence through out each show. I think they had a love octagon going on when I gave up entirely on the series.

"Jasper." Edward warned.

Jasper stood up, "God, I worship you. You have to be the most amazing—" Emmett, the big guy, threw a piece of popcorn at him.

"Shut up and sit down before she calls a restraining order on you."

Edward chuckled, and led me over to the couch. He sat down so that our knees were touching, a way to say that we were an inseparable team. He was making it clear that we were on the same side. He threw a mock glare at Jasper, the scary one. "How dare you worship her; especially when you're supposed to be worshiping my sister."

Jasper's eyes widened. "Oh, man, Alice is my religion, I'm just saying we have a legend among us."

I talked to the guys a little, and then quieted down when the football game they planned to watch came on. I wasn't really the sporty person, my lack of coordination had made sure of that, and I never did understand the entertainment of watching people play a sport. I stayed quiet while they cheered, and Edward kept his arm around me throughout the game.

I sighed after an hour and kissed Edward's cheek. "I've got to go, I'm sorry."

A few of the guys looked at me, politely paying attention to me when all of their chests—but for the exception of Edward—were still directed towards the TV. Edward's expression crumpled into apology. "I'm sorry, we're boring you. Do you want to watch something different?"

A few of the guys shot Edward dark looks, but by far the most terrifying came from Emmett. I laughed, "Not at all, this was fun, but I have to meet a patient."

Jasper's eyes immediately widened into admiration. Edward frowned, "Why can't he—or she see you tomorrow?"

I shrugged on my coat, "Because he's a vampire."

The room fell into silence other than the game in the background. None of them were paying attention to it now, all of them turned towards me. Emmett got up and walked out of the room. Finally Edward broke the silence by bursting out into laughter. "A Vampire? Does he seduce women and turn into a bat?" The other guys smiled at Edward's wit, adding in a few stereotypical vampire qualities of their own.

I smiled at them, "No, but he hates the sun," I gestured outside at the darkness, "And he's a bit of a cannibal, so I feel more comfortable meeting in a semi-social area, you know...just in case."

The room was silent again, and Edward's face paled. "A bit of a cannibal." he repeated tonelessly.

I grabbed the scarf from my pocket, and wrapped it around my throat. This was a just in case too, he would have to bite through the thick scarf before he reached my throat, and by that time I'm kind of hoping someone would have come over to help me. "Well, you have to eat a bit of flesh to get to the blood." I defended him. "And I really doubt he's going to eat me." I grinned playfully at Jasper, "I'm The Bella Swan."

Jasper flushed with pleasure.

"Man, you have the best girlfriend ever." Someone whispered.

Edward got up and walked over to me. He took my shoulders gently into his hands, feeling their shape for a second, and I was sure he was about to tell me he wouldn't let me go without him. The same thing Jake used to do until I invested in a bat in my car to beat him off. But then Edward just pulled me against him and captured my lips in a passionate kiss.

A series of catcalls and howls came in when my hands threaded into his hair, holding him against me. Edward pulled away, and gave me a dark look. "If you get eaten, I'll be pissed, got it?"

Before I could respond, the burly one came back into the room and tossed me something. I caught it, and then took a better look at it. A clove of garlic. Emmett looked at me just as seriously as Edward had been.

"Just in case."

---

I was waiting on the steps that lead into Edward's apartment, waiting for him. He had called and scheduled a date for us tonight. He wanted to celebrate something, though he wouldn't say what. I waited. And waited.

And waited.

I was starting to get nervous. Edward had never done this to me before. Not without calling at the very least. I waited another twenty minutes until he was a full hour late.

I didn't even know where to call to find him. He was in and out of jobs so often that the moment he told me his work number, he was already fired. Or quit. Or just stopped coming into work because he had stayed up all night writing music and forgot about work entirely.

I drove back to my flat, checking to see if I had any messages from him. Nothing. I called his apartment and no one picked up. Terrified, I called the only person I could think of. Edward had said that he had a sister, Alice, though I had never met her. I searched through the phone book until I came across the name Cullen. A so impossibly happy she hadn't gotten married yet.

A slight tinkling voice picked up after the second ring. "Hello?"

"Hi, um, this is Bella swan, you don't know me, but I'm dating your brother. You are Alice, right?"

"Last time I checked. Can I help you?"

I took a shuddering breath, trying to calm down. "Edward said he would meet me for a date, but he hasn't shown up, and he's an hour late and he's never done this before and I wanted to know if you know where he is." I realized I sounded like a whiny girlfriend. "I just need to know he's safe." I added quietly, curling the cord around my finger, waiting.

"Oh, no he's not here. I'm sorry I don't know where he is. I'll call around for you though if you'd like." She seemed honestly concerned and I thanked god she didn't think I was some psychopath stalker. I was demonstrating some of the traits.

"That would be perfect, thank you." I gave her my number and waited until she called back.

Her words made my stomach drop in dread. "We don't know where he is."

I called the hospital near by, I checked my messages again, I called his apartment for the fourth time. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. I called the police and asked them to do a drive by of the streets around his house, giving them his car, and his characteristics. I stared to imagine the worst. A car accident, a mugging gone terribly wrong, a UFO abduction, the list went on.

They called me back with nothing. I tried to calm down. This was good, this meant he probably wasn't hurt in an accident. Or worse. But I refused to think of that. I called the hospitals again, and then drove by the front of his building.

And there he was. I nearly hoped the curb in my frantic parking and jumped out of the car. Instantly, I thought the worse when I saw him sprawled out across the steps into his building, but the closer I got, the more I realized that he wasn't hurt.

He was drunk.

"Hey gorgeous," he called drunkenly when I was close enough for him to recognize.

"Where have you been?" I cried.

"Celebrating!" he cried happily, and then his face took on a drunken seriousness, "Oh, our date. Oops." He gave me an unfocused puppy eyed apology.

I helped him up off the steps and into his apartment. I pulled his key out of his pocket and half dragged him onto the couch in the living room when my arms turned Jell-O. He was too heavy to pull the rest of the way into his bedroom.

I forced a few Tylenol down his throat with a glass of water, and then left the bottle of Tylenol and a new glass of water by the couch. I was just tucking a blanket around him, muttering to myself angrily, when Edward inhaled deeply. I froze, and he smiled up at me, tucking a piece of hair behind my ear. "You smell almost as good as you look."

I sighed at the protective gesture and kissed his forehead, "Goodnight Edward."

He mumbled something unintelligible and I left. Calling Alice to let her know Edward was safe—for now. Though I couldn't promise anything about his heath after I was through with him tomorrow. Alice picked up, sounding irritated.

"I found him, he's safe." I managed, worried that her ire might be directed at me.

"Oh I know." She trilled sharply, "Jasper just came home liquored." And then I could hear her yelling in the background. "You filthy liar, you said you had no idea where he was. Bella and I thought he was hurt!" there was a silence and then Alice full out screaming, "Yes, Bella Swan is just as angry as I am! Good, I hope you never get your damn autograph."

"Uh...bye?" I hung up, Hoping to get away from their conversation as quickly as possible. She hung up on me and I sighed, falling into bed exhausted. Two images warred against each other, the Edward I loved that laughed and smiled and held me close to him—the one that with every gesture promised he loved me—and then the other one that refused to admit that he wanted me. The Edward with cold eyes and closed postures.

And I was having trouble remembering why I put up with all of this.

---

When I woke in the morning I wasn't as angry as I thought I would have been. There was an odd feeling of emptiness in the sound my lock made in my apartment when I left, and the hallways all looked too big. If I was being honest with myself, I knew what had changed. I was cutting a piece of myself away.

I flicked the radio on, an ingrained habit, but after the third whiny rock song I had to turn it off. I got to the office early and prepped for all the patients I had before lunch. I tried to focus, to ground myself during the sessions with my patients, but when my attention wasn't demanded I drifted. I skipped lunch, unable to find my appetite, and stared at the phone instead for a full twenty minutes.

I didn't know if I wanted to call him or not. I wasn't angry anymore, but what was I supposed to say? 'Hey, I'm not sure if you can remember last night, but it just happened to be the last straw. Oh, why am I being a coward and doing this over the phone? Because if I see you, I know I'll cave and I don't want to spend the rest of my life running around after you.'

Actually, I knew there was a good chance that he could crack my will power over the phone too. He had a way with words, and even the persuasive tones of his voice might be enough to break me down.

I closed my eyes tightly for a moment, and then grabbed the phone without letting myself think about it too much. I dialled the number I knew by heart. I forced my thumb away from the 'end' button. I could do this, even if it was just to ask if I could meet him after I got off work.

"Hello?"

Even groggy and rough with dehydration and sleep, his voice had my heart hammering. "Hey, it's me." The muscles around my throat tightened.

"Bella!" Edward cried, relieved. "I'm so glad you called. I'm so so sorry about last night. I swear, I just lost track of the time." There was a moment of awkward silence. "Bella? Are you still there?"

I choked past the lump in my throat. "Can I meet you after work today?"

"That's perfect!" Edward's enthusiasm caught me by surprise, "I'll see you in a few hours." He chuckled in barely contained anticipation.

"Kay," I managed, a heavy feeling weighing down my chest. He said goodbye, and I hung up, stairing at the clock. It was going to be a long day.

***

On the way to Edward's house, I was driving slower than usual. "I've made my choice." I reminded myself sternly, "No going back now." Still, my heart was beating too hard and fast in my chest, robbing me of oxygen.

I coaxed my unwilling truck up into Edward's driveway, only to see him waiting on the steps where I had found him sprawled the night before. He looked completely different than last night, his hair was its usual messy style, though it looked like Edward had tried to tame it, his clothes looked thoughtfully put together, and his posture was straight. His eyes were shining with impatient excitement.

I took a long breath, and got out of my truck. Edward stood, a huge happy grin dominating his face, he practically oozed excitement. The huge grin, the one that showed his entire face was saying just that; I'm showing you everything about myself. I won't hold anything back.

He came up to me, and frowned a little at my expression, "Why so glum?" He looked up at the sky and smiled again, "It's a beautiful day."

I looked down at the concrete. His toes were facing me, he wasn't nervous or self-conscious in the least. Casting my eyes downwards was a sign of my hiding something, because the eyes were such an expressive feature we tended to hide them in the face of strong negative emotion.

"Hey," Edward murmured, tucking a strand of hair behind my ears. This was a grooming technique too, but he was grooming me, which was showing a desire to take care of me. "I have some good news." Edward murmured, ducking down so he could get into my line of sight. "I got a job." He smiled hopefully. His eyes widened as he spoke, displaying an openness towards me, a truthfulness.

I looked him in the eye, and I could feel my expression morphing into something ugly. Anger. "Wonderful, now you can loose it again in a week."

Edward stepped back at my harsh tone, his eyes widening further. And I hated that. I wished he had narrowed his eyes to say that he wasn't taking my reaction to heart. The surprise was there too, and rightfully so. I never put him down, I was always supporting him, even when he wasn't there for me.

Edward's excitement was draining, and his shoulders slouched. I knew the movement meant that he wanted to hold me, to try and make it better. "You're still angry." He rubbed his stomach absently, his form of saying he wanted me to build him up rather than tear him down.

I had to shut my eyes tight. Seeing this through ignorant eyes would have been painful enough, but knowing everything that passed through his subconscious mind was even worse. "I can't do this anymore, Edward. I'm done."

I opened my eyes to see I was talking to his cheek. He had turned his head away from me in the classic, I don't want to talk about this gesture. "I will not shut-up!" I screamed. A few passers by sent me looks, then quickly averted their eyes and walked past us faster.

Edward was sputtering, "I didn't—I never—"

My jaw clenched, "You don't have to say it to get the message across to me Edward. You know that. Pushing me away would have been hard enough, but I'm fantastically aware of every movement that tells me you don't want me. So you are finally going to get what you want. I'm finished."

Edward grabbed for me, "Bella wait, please. Just give me—"

"No." I stared him down, "I can't help you fix yourself, not now. Not if it means I have to tear myself apart to do it. But at least now I can walk away knowing I gave you the chance to try. I'm sorry, but I have to move on with my own life."

Edward swayed, and I thought he was going to fall, his face was too pale. He looked at the sky again, wondering what went wrong. "But it's such a beautiful day." He whispered more to himself than to me.

My eyes were burning with tears, I blinked them back furiously. "I'm sorry." I whispered, and then spun and got back into my truck before I could compromise myself further. Edward looked after me in a numb way, trance-like.

My truck roared to life, and I saw as I pulled my seat belt into place, Edward's expression crumbled from numb to anguished. His head cocked to the side a little, but not in confusion. He was trying to call me back. Just as if he had said it aloud, my body responded with an answer in return.

I shook my head 'no'.

Edward didn't even have that startled moment he usually had when I 'read his mind' as he had put it more than once.

I stared resolutely forward, and hit the gas. The street blurred for a moment, and I wiped the tears away quickly. There was a guilty agony rearing up through my chest. I was giving this up forever, I realized. Maybe I would never fall in love again.

Facing facts, I realized this might just be a truth I would have to live with. I had never had a desire to be with someone like I had with Edward, and maybe it was the feeling of all the months we had spent together, leaning against each other, but I wasn't sure if I ever wanted to replace him.

Tomorrow—and all the tomorrows after that—suddenly seemed very bleak. Could I really go back to spending my winding down time after work only with Jake again? Could I ever look anyone in the eye ever again and not remember the thrill of blood through my veins when Edward wrapped an arm around me? The intimacy between people was something I have lived without for so long. Not really understanding what I was missing, it was bearable, if not something that kept me awake some nights.

The idea of living without that now was like....

Was like resisting the sudden urge to check my review mirror just one more time. I just wanted to see him one last time before he disappeared.

Don't I ordered sternly at the same moment my eyes rose, and caught the empty side walk where he had been standing.

Heavier than before, a cold weight dropped through my chest and into my heart. The bitter weight started to twist around flesh, and spread, disease like though my body until I could feel it burning sharply in my finger tips.

A sudden realization struck me.

This is what empty feels like.

I was just turning off his street, focusing on driving through the breathlessness. Once I was home, I could give in and cry. Slowly put as much back together as I could of myself, and then keep walking on my solitary path.

It came out of nowhere. One minute I was trying—and failing—to not think of what I was leaving behind, and then as fate so much enjoyed, turned feeling into a literal opposite.

Edward, thoughtfully tucked in shirt, now loose and falling out, hair back into its usual mess, jumped a fence and ran out in front of me.

I kicked down my break, and for a terrifying moment, even as my tires stuck against the dry road, my truck didn't stop moving. Edward didn't make an attempt to run, or distance himself at all from the old rusted monster of a truck coming at him. He just closed his eyes, braced his stance, and clenched all his muscles, waiting for impact.

But then my truck did stop. I flew towards into the steering wheel, the seat belt ripping me backwards in almost the same moment. I pulled my hair out of my face quickly, down from when I had nervously pulled the tight bun out after work. Edward wasn't in the road, and a chilling certainty that—even though I was sure I had stopped in time—he was under my truck set in.

My passenger door flew open, and I screamed.

Edward froze where he was, both his hands up towards me, showing palms up in the soothing way, eyes wide. I'm not here to hurt you, the hands and eyes said, but the way they were between his body and mine said defensive in case I tried to hurt him.

It was dead still, my truck having stalled into a dead silence. Edward was breathing hard from his run, and I realized that to get here he had to have run through the backs of yards and over fences. My lips started to pull down in a familiar way, before trembling unsteadily.

Dammit.

I was going to cry.

I covered my mouth, quickly, and then my eyes as excess moisture started to spill onto my cheeks uncontrollably. I felt the truck shift to the right as Edward climbed into the cab, shutting the door behind him. He undid my seatbelt and pulled me over his lap into the passenger seat before starting my truck and bunny hopping us over to the curb.

The moment my truck stopped screaming, I gave up and looked at him.

Edward's natural reaction to seeing the wet marks on my cheeks and around my eyes was to protect me. His shoulder rose, and then rolled forward in a desire to hold me, and like most every time before, I expected him not to act on it. I was in Edward's arms a moment later, and I started sobbing, clinging to his shirt.

Despite the fact that I had stomped all over his heart, Edward kept me close against him. "I'm s-sorry." I hiccupped, trying to disengage myself. Wrong, my logical mind whispered. I was leading him on by allowing this. By initiating a physical connection I was hinting that it was still possible for us to be together emotionally.

Right everything else screamed. There was no logic in the way my fingers sought the warmth of his chest when I felt like I was burning, or the way he pulled me back against him without protest, whispering my name in comforting tones. He untangled my hair with gentle fingers while I struggled to regain control of myself.

I managed to reign in the torrent, but I stayed where I was a moment longer than I should have let myself allow. Eventually I found the strength to pry my fingers from his shirt. I straightened the best I could in his lap, righting my shirt. I was pulling myself into my strongest shell, my professional one. I knew that by feigning a professional attitude, I could force emotional distance, calming a situation down and putting it away so as to move on.

Edward's head cocked in amusement, his smile lopsided and unsymmetrical, and yet still excruciatingly beautiful when evolution and my own logic told me different. I didn't like the humorous way he watched me, like he could see through all my careful actions. Actions that were proven to work, not just in theory, but in practice.

In response I became even more formal. "I am so terribly sorry." I told him, hearing all the sincerity dripping in the words. "Would you like me to drive you home?"

Edward's hands naturally moved to rest on my fidgeting hands. I noticed a thin silver band on the second to last finger on his right hand that I hadn't noticed before. "So I can run out in front of you again?" Edward shook his head. "What I would like is if you came home with me." Edward saw my hesitation, "Just for a minute. I just want to show you something, and if you want to leave after, I won't stop you."

I considered, unsure. Was this right? I narrowed my eyes suspiciously, "And you won't chase me home? No stalking? No persistent phone calls?"

"If I lie, will you come?"

I deliberated, and then nodded grudgingly. Edward flashed me a gorgeously open smile.

I scooted over into the driver's seat, terrified for my transmission. The truck's engine had been well restored once upon a time, but it was wheezing its last breaths as of late. I took a deep breath, and without looking at Edward, tried to remind him of why he didn't want to be with me. I wasn't going to get my hopes up again. I don't know if I could take even one more week of his chilly demeanour.

"Edward?" I asked.

"Hmm, yes?"

It sounded like I pulled him from another train of thought. I took a deep steadying breath. "Why do you want me?" I meant the question to come out professionally detached, but my voice wavered on the last word. It's a trick I played sometimes with especially stubborn people. If you ask a question, and make it sound like it's from their side, they are more likely to honestly think about it. Most times, in situations like this, they come up with more reasons not to.

Edward sighed, "If I must love you, let it be for naught, except love's sake only. To love only for a smile, or a laugh, for the breath of her skin or the silk of her hair, for it is a trick of thought. So beloved, this thing be, they merely amend for the—"

"Edward." I snapped. He was stealing Elizabeth Browning's words and moulding them into his own. Falling back onto other people's words didn't impress me. I could recite Romeo and Juliet's confessions of love, but that doesn't mean I mean it. He was evading my question.

That terrified me.

Edward sighed sadly. "No poetry." He murmured to himself.

I pulled up along the curb, the same place I had been just a minute before. Edward was out of the truck before I had even fully stopped and came around to open my door for me. The gesture wasn't startling, he did it often, even in his icy moods.

Edward walked close beside me up to the doors of his building. His arm brushed against mine, and I knew he was looking for me to extend my hand for him to hold. I pulled my arm against me. Along the way, I saw an Edward sized hole in one of the bushes along the side of the building. I gave a startled laugh.

We walked past the elevator in his building, a chain across the front with a little yellow under repair sign hanging on it. Edward hesitated, and then unwillingly steered me towards the stairs. I stepped up on the first step, and then Edward kicked my legs out from under me, swiftly catching me in his arms.

I gasped, and gripped onto his now much abused shirt. "Are you trying to kill me?" I cried when I realized he wasn't going to drop me. I saw a bit of green peeking out from under his folded collar, and I picked the leaf out, letting it flutter down.

"Bella, you are much more than my life. I'm trying to apologize for being less than what I can be for you."

"So you're going to drop me down a flight of stairs?" I watched the stairs gathering behind him, pulling together for the attack.

Edward snorted, and I knew without needing to see that he was rolling his eyes. Despite my criticisms, Edward was extremely lithe, even with me in his arms. He cradled me naturally, as if I could be a natural extension from his body. I took a deep breath and tried to calm down. In the face of my better judgement, I trusted Edward; what I didn't trust was my remarkable ability to injure myself in even the most harmless of places. Held above a steep flight of stairs was far from harmless.

Edward finally set me on my feet again when we reached his door. He reached into his pocket for his key, smiling at me in his smug way. His smiled wavered a moment, and he checked his other pocket, and then his back pocket with barely concealed horror.

I laughed quietly, and reached into his right pocket to retrieve the key. Edward, like most anxious people, had a jittery habit of not being thorough enough to lets say, checking the lowest corner of his pockets, where a key's weight might drag it.

Of course folding his clothes properly would help too.

Edward stopped breathing, staring at me with an undeterminable expression. He let out a shuddering breath when he saw me pull the elusive key out, his hand moving through his hair, and then to cover his neck.

A lighter fell out too, and I bent and picked it up for him, remembering a day that seemed like years, and not just six months ago when it had been a condom to fall from his pocket. I looked at it sadly, and then up at Edward. "Look, Edward—"

Edward unlocked the door and pushed it open; he took his lighter back from me. "Please, Bella? What will ten minutes cost you?"

Everything, I wanted to scream. I could already feel it weighing me down, forcing me into stronger arms. Edward walked through the door, and waited for me, his body blocking the entrance so I couldn't see past him. I couldn't quite move though, put between my desire to run, run as far away from him as I could, and walk through with him and acknowledge that the weight I was being crushed under was love.

I could already see his expression cooling again into heartless apathy behind my eyes. It regularly haunted my dreams on good days, and was my waking nightmare on bad.

While I debated with myself, Edward waited patiently, content to watch my thoughts rolling across my face. It was his unending patience with me that clinched it.

I shuffled forward a tentative step, and then took another. My feet felt lighter after the first step and Edward seemed to let out a small breath, his muscles relaxing a in the slightest degree. I wonder if he would have grabbed me had I run.

I had been here so many times before; it was as familiar as my own. I didn't even have to look towards the pegs to shrug out of my jacket and hand it up. This thought made me uncomfortable, and I concentrated more than I had to taking off my shoes.

Honestly, I loved Edward's home. He had music pinned up against his wall, lyrics of songs that he liked, the notes to certain songs, and some that he wrote himself. He had instruments all over the house. Chances were that if he walked out of a room with his saxophone, he would walk back in with his guitar.

His favourite though, was his piano, crammed against the couch in his living space. There was about enough room to walk in, and sit on the couch it so dominated the room.

I wished I could say that Edward was able to play every instrument in a mediocre way to sooth my jealousy, but he was extremely talented. So much so, that I was envious sometimes. Edward had trouble getting a good job, mostly because they thought what I thought. That because Edward could play every instrument he touched, he was a jack of all trades but a master of none. Any job that he did get was so bellow his standards that he fell into a depression and quit within a month. And if he got a job outside of music, he would throw himself into writing his own, and then he would forget all the little things like...work.

I had tried to explain to him on more than one occasion that sometimes you have to work your way up into a position that you want. Edward, true to his admission, couldn't commit to something that took work.

The last thought left me feeling cold. How long until Edward decided he was tired of me? When I was more work than he wanted?

I walked into the kitchen, I nearly tripped over Edward's bass. That wasn't what stopped me though. I gasped, taking a step back and knocked into Edward. Instinct should have made me step forward again, away from Edward—his presence so close behind me had startled me almost as much as the scene in front of me—but Edward was safe. Something I gravitated to.

From where I was, my back pressed against his chest, I could feel the nervous shudder of breath he pulled in. He steadied me, and then stepped around me into the kitchen. He walked up to the oven and pulled out two dishes, both fit for a gourmet restaurant. Each dish was decorated with sauces, a steak covered in spices, and my favourite veggies.

He smiled at my expression, "It's really not all that impressive. I burnt the first two beyond recognition."

He set the plates on the table, each one fitted with a glass of wine. There was an expertly folded napkin to the left of each plate and on a table cloth—a big deal, I didn't even know he had one—were three red candles. A waxy droplet streamed down the side of one, and then Edward was across the room, turning on a CD player in the corner.

One of his compositions I had never heard before started to float around the room, weave a complex melody through the air. I had herd him humming pieces of the lullaby sometimes, but I hadn't thought much of it until now.

I covered my eyes when Edward moved back to the table and started to fiddle with one of the napkins. No, please no more. Edward had made this perfect night for me, a celebration of his new job—and he had wanted to share the occasion with me. And I screwed the whole thing up.

"Bella?"

"No." I moaned. If I saw anything else, the guilt might weigh me down enough to fall through the floor. I had accused Edward of so much when he had done all of this for me.

"You can't say no until I ask you." Edward laughed nervously, "Besides, I need to see your eyes to have enough courage to ask."

I slowly pulled my hands away from my eyes, looking at the floor and trying not to let the prickling at the back of my eyes gather into tears. Edward waited, and I looked up at his face. I caught the shape of something in his hand, and I concentrated on Edward's face. I didn't have the courage to look at it just yet.

Edward stared back at me, his throat working to swallow his nerves. I had the impression that my stare was making him even more nervous, and I realized I wasn't blinking often enough, making my stare penetrating. I blinked twice to ease him.

Edward's hand shook when he moved his hand through his hair, laughing again. "So I planned out everything I was going to say, but you've terrified me into silence." Edward's eyes widened in horror, "In a good way. I mean you are terrifyingly beautiful." Edward licked his lips, and I knew it was his unconscious mind trying to tell him to stop talking.

Edward pulled in a deep breath at the same time I looked down with horror to see what was in his hands. He had a beautiful ring intricately woven with delicate silver strands embedded with bits of small diamonds. A silver that matched perfectly with Edward's new silver band.

Edward saw the change in my expression and his words rushed out in a flood. "Look, Bella I know you don't want to get married, and I understand that after the way I've acted. I don't blame you, I wouldn't want to spend my life with me either if I had the choice. I thought they could be our little inside joke. It's marriage without marriage, you know? It's my way to tell you I'm ready to commit. And I was hoping you would change your mind on the whole marriage thing. One day. So the rings are my way of saying I'm ready." Edward, with perfect ease—the nerves having slipped away in his speech—slid the ring onto the ring finger of my right hand. "I'm ready to put a ring on your left hand."

I stared at my shaking hand for a moment. Edward twined his hand with mine, and our matching rings touched, making the silver whisper around the delicate melody of Edward's composition of the music and the moment itself.

I pulled my had away, needing both of them to cover my face. My legs crumpled and I collapsed sobbing. Edward crouched and pulled me against him, letting me ruin his shirt. Any hope of dignity had flown away, and not even the strictest professional facade could pull me together now. I clutched onto him and muttered pathetic apologies. Edward leaned his head against mine, a show of trust, letting me know I was safe in his arms.

The act was also telling me I was forgiven, because no one as angry as he should have been with me would offer up a gesture of such intimacy. Slowly my tears calmed, and Edward soothed his hand over my hair. "I'm sorry." I whispered for the thousandth time.

Edward sighed and ignored it. He had stopped responding to my blubbering after the thirteenth apology. "You okay?"

I pulled away, and tried to gather myself together again. "Yeah. Yes, so—" I caught myself in time before I apologized again and smiled ruefully.

Edward measured my expression carefully. "Are you sure you're okay?"

I nodded, sniffling. "How do you not hate me? With what I just did—"

"How about what you said earlier?" Edward cut me off, and I winced, wondering which something he was referring to. "About not having to say anything to get a message across to you. And I did know how well you could read body language, but I thought you just...turned it off when you were with me. You never said anything." He stared at me with all the depth of his eyes, "How do you not hate me?"

We were silent, looking at each other for a long moment. I didn't—couldn't hate him. And I think in that silence he realized it too. "Actually," Edward murmured, "another important question is: are you going to stay?"

He stood up, his hand not leaving mine, as if he were scared if he let me go, I'd disappear. Trying to connect more emotionally with me by connecting physically. He shifted his weight back and forth on his heels. His body trying to take pressure off his knees, because he was—literally—weak in the knees.

I was slightly distracted by this, by the suddenness of his change. He had gone from ice cold, to lukewarm, and then, suddenly, he was blazing heat. He misread my hesitation—my surprise—and he reached forward to touch my shoulder. Him trying to convince me he was safe, a nice guy. "Before you say, no, I have one more thing to show you." And then he was guiding me into his bedroom.

I felt my shoulders tense, unsure now. I had given everything to Edward that I had over the last six months, except this. Not because I was unwilling—never that—but because Edward had been so distant that bringing the subject up had been intimidating.

He literally jumped into the bed, turning in the air to land on his side, facing me with a smug confidence that stemmed from the fact that this—his bed—was his territory. I could see that in the way he lay slightly diagonally, taking up as much of the bed as was possible.

He smiled, an over the top suggestive look that was obviously meant as a joke. Then why was my breathing getting faster? My heart thundering and a heightened awareness of my neck, begging me to touch the skin there. To entice him?

And then I realized what I should have realized to begin with. What he was trying to show me.

"I got you new sheets. I know you like to be warm," he rolled his eyes, "Even when it's plus one hundred out. So I did a bit mental research and found that red colours make people feel warmer." He smiled, obviously quite proud.

I'm sure he didn't do enough research to know that red heightens heart rate—which is what makes us warm—and also makes us release pheromones that are responsible for passionate responses. Like anger, or lust.

Edward smiled, and then bent his face into the sheets, rubbing his cheek against the material. "And it is so soft." He looked up at me, eyes heavy lidded, "feel."

It was a command. I reached forward, instinctively obeying the instructions of the alpha male while in his territory. I hummed, distracted. "Soft." Like silk. The fabric shone in the last of the sun falling through the window, its warmth clinging to me.

Edward rolled his eyes, "I do believe that is touch Mrs—Miss. Swan. I am asking you to feel. To actually experience the sheets in all their silky glory." He rolled in the bed. What he was doing was primal, spreading his scent on something he was giving to me. It was a possessive gesture, one that was not unlike giving me his coat.

I considered this, Edward wasn't making any motions to say he wanted me to get horizontal with him. I was a little disappointed, because whether it was the colour, his alpha-male behaviour, or just that I plane, flat out just loved this impossible man, I couldn't tell, but I wanted him. It would have been easier if he was asking, so that I could just say yes.

It was never that easy with us, and I should have known that.

I crawled into bed with him, and in a very natural, instinctive gesture, I unbuttoned the top button of my blouse. Edward smiled, pulling me closer to him. "I just thought I would make the bed up for you so you could spend the night after super. I have to say, your secretaries are a little forth coming with information. I asked you schedule, and they gave it to me with no questions asked. What if I was stalking you?"

I sighed, and then shrugged, "I would be a very lucky victim?"

Edward hummed in his throat, and then kissed me gently, and I knew he knew I wasn't going anywhere. I wrapped my arms around him and his hand moved down to my back, rubbing the skin there. I wasn't sure anymore if Edward was purposely or subconsciously seducing me.

With only one way to find out, I hooked my leg around his hip, and then rolled on top of him. He was happy with this, his hands gently on my hips, asking me to stay where I was while he shifted himself slightly under me to get more comfortable.

It was just heavy breathing and kissing for a long moment, and I was wondering if or when I should make the next move. Didn't he want to be in control in his domain? It made sense, but he wasn't making any forward moves. I decided to give him a little push in the right direction.

He didn't notice what I was doing until I was shrugging out of my sleeves. His eyes flashed open, and then he gasped. "Oh my god." He said so lowly I had to read his lips to know what he was saying. He reached forward, as if to touch me, and then quickly grabbed my shirt and pulled it around my shoulders, swallowing hard.

"Bella..."he carefully smoothed my collar down, grooming me in his way to say he wanted to take care of me—and possessively saying I was his to take care of. "You don't have to...I mean, don't do this because you—or I...I've made you fell like you have to." His voice was trembling and I could feel him trying to shift himself under me to try and hide his growing arousal. He was smoothing my collar again, touching my skin repeatedly in little gestures.

It didn't matter if Edward started screaming "NO!" His body was screaming "Yes!". I cupped Edward's face in my hand, "Do you honestly think that you could make me do this if I didn't want to?" I whispered, amused. Edward's eyelashes fluttered with my breath on his face. If his hands weren't on me, I knew they would have been on his jeans, drawing my attention subconsciously to his manhood, trying to show himself off as a suitable mate.

Edward cupped my face in his now, bringing our faces closer together. "Yes, Bella. I know I can. I'm sure I am and I want to stop. I want you to think for one second. If I've made you feel you have to do this, and then I let you do this, you would hate me. I would hate me."

I sighed, about to explain to Edward that I possessed this little thing called free will. And then changed tactics. "Edward, do you want to make love to me?" I made sure to phrase the question so he would hear it the way I intended. Do you want to posses me, to make me yours in a way a ring can't?

"That doesn't matter. You—you Isabella, is what matters."

I smiled, leaning over him and keeping his gaze. He didn't blink, and I smiled. "You want me," and then I felt a spurt of uncertainty despite all his gestures. "You do want me? Right?"

"Obviously."

I smiled, a fluttering of relief in my twisting stomach. "I want you. I've wanted you for a long time, but you always seemed so...disinterested. I was worried you would say no. Or that if you did say yes, we would get worse."

Edward stared at me, "I...am the biggest moron. I've been my own cock block." And then he growled playfully and rolled us so he was on top. Just as I knew he would. "So you want to do this?" he made sure, his forehead resting against mine in the second deepest form of intimacy.

I wrapped my arms around the back of his neck, "Yes." And then we started to move towards the deepest form of intimacy.

Edward kissed me passionately, struggling with my bra while I wrested off his shirt. He was more efficient than me, having my pants and my underwear—not matching my bra...I had been planning a break up—and my bra was a distant memory while I was trying to push his jeans down.

He helped me, and then they were gone too and Edward was pressing me naked into the sheets.

He was right, they were silky.

I pulled away from his mouth, "Edward," I gasped. His lips immediately moved to my throat, his hands busying themselves with massaging my thighs, my hips, my breasts, playing in my hair. I trailed my fingers delicately, working down to his manhood, but he stopped me. He hummed a "yes" against my throat at the sound of his name at the same time.

"Be gentle."

Edward nodded, "I can be gentle." I shivered and he looked up at me with dark eyes. "If I try." He ripped open a condom, it having magically appeared out of thin air it seemed, and rolled it on expertly with one hand. Then he pushed gently into me, and then his eyes widened, "Are you a virgin?" his voice rose an octave in panic.

I laughed, biting back a wince. "No. It's just been a while."

Edward's eye narrowed like he didn't believe me. "Define 'a while'."

I blushed, chagrined. "Prom?" It sounded worse aloud than it had in my head. Edward was staring at me dumbfounded, and I think he even forgot he was inside me for a moment. When I didn't continue right away, his head cocked to the side in interest, despite our current position. I hurried through my defence. "I felt really hopeless, and I got drunk, and I started to think that I was unlovable, and Jake was right there...so we went out into the back seat of his car."

Edward started to move with a renewed gentleness. Tenderly kissing my face, "You are anything but unlovable." He promised. "You're a master piece. You are my every shade of grey, every colour. Everything. You are everything."

Edward's movements were getting less controlled. He'd lapse and started to move harder inside me, and then remember himself and slow down again.

He had been gentle for the part I had needed, now I wrapped my legs around him needing something different. "Please," I begged, my head spinning, dizzy from his scent, from the way his hands were everywhere I needed them without so much as a moan from me. "Harder."

One of his hands slid under my arched spine, cupping the back of my head and twining in my hair, bringing my lips up to his. This was so different that it had—or could—ever be with Jacob. We had both been so drunk, and the pain of the moment added with the physical pain hadn't produced any feeling of intimacy within me.

I griped his shoulders, crying his name out. I ran my nails down his back, the edges rough and sharp from biting them, and with the last ounce of my will power, I opened my eyes, watching and reading his expression.

Edward gasped, and then his eyes locked on mine.

Space and time suspended, I felt something change, and then Edward slowed, resting his forehead gently against mine, not breaking eye contact. Suddenly we weren't racing towards an edge, but rather walking along side it, balancing with perfect ease between the building pleasure and the final release that was curling and collecting in my abdomen.

"I wish I could go back in time." Edward whispered in our transient suspension of reality. "I wish I had known you existed, and I would have hitch hiked all the way to—prom." Edward smiled at me, and I managed a breathless laugh, completely enamoured in him. "I wish I could have realized that something as perfect as you is really meant for me. I wish I hadn't been so scared to lose you because you were the only thing I needed. I wish I could take it all back and just hold you because I know I never want to let you go."

"I love you." I whispered.

Edward kissed me, and I didn't dare close my eyes for fear of letting even a moment of this pass me by. The spring was curled, and set, my muscles clenching around him getting closer to something so much bigger.

Edward hooked my leg around him, and then he was thrusting deeper. Our reality pulled and twisted itself around us until I felt I couldn't breath, and then it just... burst.

I screamed, my nails finding purchase in his skin, my back arching from pleasure, bucking to try and meet his thrusts. To make the blanketing pleasure stop before it ripped me apart. And then his voice, strained but beautiful and sincere at my ear. "I love you too."

I scrambled to find what I needed, one thing I couldn't live without, and I knew it was mine. He had been calling me there, making it safe and warm and perfect for me. I knew the exact place, where he had hidden it, and held it open to me all the same.

My hands found his heart, beating hard and fast through the skin. My hands over his heart was all Edward needed, and it was my name in the room now. I knew that this was where he had been struggling to gesture me the whole time, through fears and insecurities. And finally I realized that with Edward, I couldn't completely depend on gestures, because for all the paths they had lead me down, the safety in which Edward held me now was constructed entirely of emotion, of adoration and helpless devotion.

Finally, I was home.

A/N: THIS WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE SO LONG!! And this is a Christmas present since there is no way I will be able to finish the next Baby sitting before Christmas (haven't even started it yet...sorry) ^_^ you ask why I can't on the Christmas holidays? Because I was assigned an essay : ( but I will try very very very hard to get it out. (does anyone else notice how much I complain?)