The Imposters

My name is Mike. I am the commander of the Grooel Mercenaries. I can't believe those imposters are around! People like that don't even deserve to exist! What? You think WE'RE the imposters? How could you possibly think that!?

For example, take my younger sister, Mitzi. Where do you think she came from?

Or my deputy commander, Tatiana? What about my tactician, Warren?

Our healer, Reese, is unmistakable! And then there are the three brothers: Oswald, Floyd, and Ralph.

Don't forget about Sinnohv and Kutrie—they're the best!

And, though she's new, Mina is the best swordfighter we've ever had—myself excluded of course.

We have to take down those stupid imposters!

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Ike had torn down the poster proclaiming that the Grooel Mercenaries were being "ripped off". Sure, Ike thought, there's no way those guys are trying to cash in on OUR popularity. Even though I've never heard of them, WE must be the imposters.

"Well you have to admit they were pretty clever with wordplay," Titania said.

"I know," Soren said, "And that makes them all the more formidable."

"But no one would doubt how legit we Greil mercenaries are, right Ike?" Boyd asked.

"Well," Ike said, "I'm not sure."

"Ike, come on!" Shinon said, "There's no way that, if tested, those Grooel Mercenaries could stand up to us. I mean, you won all the battles in the war that Soren won, Oscar can't see and he's an accurate lancer, then there's Mia who is lightning fast, Rolf and I are incredibly talented snipers, our healers are impressive and personal, notwithstanding how many damn hits Boyd and Gatrie can take! And then, of course, there's Titania."

"Actually," Soren said, "That's not a bad idea."

"Obviously not, smartass," Shinon said.

"Yeah, we'll hit them! Ike style!" Mia proclaimed.

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"Ranulf, we need your help," Ike requested.

"What for?" Ranulf asked, while doing calisthenics.

"Did you hear about the Grooel Mercenaries?"

"Oh, no… not them!" Ranulf whined.

"What's wrong with them?" Ike asked.

"Well you see… they kill whomever they please, they don't have moral compasses like you."

"That's terrible," Ike said, sadly.

"So," Ranulf said, changing the subject back, "What do you need me to do?"

"I need you to judge a battle of skill. I'm also planning to ask Elincia and Reyson."

"A battle of skill, eh? This will be interesting! The Greil Mercenaries vs. the Grooel Mercenaries."

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Mike stood at the front of the battle with Warren and Tatiana at his side.

"Bad news, guys," Mike said, "The Greil Mercenaries are challenging us!"

"You can't do anything right," Warren said, "But don't worry! The battle looks pleasant in prospects."

"Oh, and how do you say this, Warren?" Tatiana asked, "We're doomed! DOOMED!

"Shut up!" Reese shouted.

Sinnohv looked at the healer and said, "You know, it wouldn't kill you to be nice once in a while…"

Mitzi looked up and said, "No one cares what you think. Hey Floyd, we're going to fight them."

"I say," Floyd began, "Milady, I'm afraid something bad may happen."

Oswald became very cranky and threw a plate at Floyd's head. Mike got upset and began to cry.

"Oh grow up!" Ralph said.

"But there is no way we're going to win! Tatiana is right! WE ARE DOOMED."

Kutrie looked up from the ground and said, "Of course we are. Only an idiot wouldn't be able to see that…"

Mina became very depressed. And then the Greil Mercenaries showed up.

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Mina vs. Mia

She was easy to fight. Because she was so depressed, she was off-guard and slow. Skilled swordsmanship is almost always accompanied by energy—a rush of adrenaline and endorphins—so her mistake was being cast into this role, Mia thought as Mina left to get a vulnerary.

Kutrie vs. Gatrie

The most important thing to remember about being a shield is that you shouldn't think too hard about people attacking you. You wear the heavy armor to protect yourself, so you hardly need to dodge or guard, and doing so takes up much time. His mistake was being cast into this role, Gatrie thought as Kurtrie left to get a vulnerary.

Sinnohv vs. Shinon

Snipers have to be sneaky, and therefore, conniving, and therefore, mean. The nicest among the snipers are the ones who end up dead first because they worry too much about hurting other people, even the ones they are attempting to. His mistake was being cast into this role, Shinon thought as Sinnohv left to get a vulnerary.

Ralph vs. Rolf

The most important thing about attacking indirectly, is that you have to pay attention to your surroundings. If you are too apathetic, you can quickly become dead. Ralph is just a kid, and like I once did, he has much to learn. His mistake was being cast into this role, Rolf thought as Ralph left to get a vulnerary.

Reese vs. Rhys

More and more often these days, I see light magic being wielded by those undeserving. To be kind is to grow the power of light in your heart. But as mean people have their place, I can say his mistake was being cast into this role, Rhys thought as Reese left to get a vulnerary.

Floyd vs. Boyd

Someone so intelligent just doesn't understand. Axe fighting is for the strong and the careless. It is not something that should be taken by a weakling of an intellectual. His mistake was being cast into this role, Boyd thought as Floyd left to get a vulnerary.

Oswald vs. Oscar

Composure is key when you're a horseman. If you get aggravated easily, then you will miss more often or even get bucked off the back. Though infantry may benefit from anger, it gets in the way here. His mistake was being cast into this role, Oscar thought as Oswald left to get a vulnerary.

Mitzi vs. Mist

"Argh! YOUR DAMN BROTHER IS WHOMPING US… H-HOW!?" Mitzi asked, angry. She then grabbed her sword and aimed right at Mist's throat.

Mist grabbed the blade of the sword in her right hand, "No," she said simply.

"What!?" Mitzi asked.

"We fight for defense… I will not fight you, Mitzi…"

"Then you will die!" she shrieked, "Goodbye, Mist."

As if a miracle, she was left unharmed. "No," she said again, "Your spirit is very chaotic. Here we were having a refereed match and you… tried to kill me. We…shouldn't fight that way."

Ranulf, Reyson, and Elincia talked it over. Elincia announced, "Mitzi, you're disqualified."

"Well, EXCUUUUSE ME, Princess!" she shouted.

"Queen," Ranulf coughed and tried not to look at Elincia's face.

To keep Mitzi from killing everyone, Ranulf and Elincia tied her up.

"THIS ISN'T FAIR!!!" she cried.

"All's fair in love and war…" Mist said, "And what you were doing was unfair in a refereed match."

Ranulf announced, "And with only three battles left, the Greil Mercenaries are winning by a long-shot. But who knows, maybe Tatiana will get lucky and… beat Titania." He stifled some laughter, "And if not, maybe Warren will get lucky and… beat Soren." He tried very hard not to laugh out loud but it was not working at all, "And who knows maybe Mike really can… beat Ike!" He laughed hysterically tears running down his cheeks for several minutes, and when he finally stopped, he said, "Elincia and Reyson, you guys take over from here. I REALLY have to pee."

Tatiana vs. Titania

"Oh no!" Tatiana shouted, "You're even scarier in person than I thought you would be!"

"What?" Titania asked.

"I'm going to lose FOR SURE!" she shouted.

"You're right," Titania said, getting an attack in Tatiana's side. Tatiana fell off her hapless mare and right into a mud puddle. "Pessimism doesn't work in direct combat. You have to think of the good outcomes, lest you be closer to death than ever."

Tatiana said, "Well I lost… but at least I lost with dignity." She followed the others to go get a vulnerary.

Warren looked over at Mike. "You idiot! We're being stomped! Oh you are so stupid!"

"I'M stupid," Mike argued, "YOU'RE our tactician and you thought this battle would have a favorable outcome!"

"Shut up, Mike! I hate you." He then walked over to his opponent.

Warren vs. Soren

"Warren," Soren said, "Why did you lie to your commander?"

"I just wanted to tell him what he wanted to hear," Warren answered.

"And why do you seem so disloyal to him?" Soren asked.

"You would too if he was being such an idiot," Warren responded.

"Ike makes decisions with which I disagree fairly often, but I will stand by them because I… I…" Soren pondered whether or not to complete this sentence. He chose the latter, "It's about trust. It's about loyalty and compassion. It's about honesty. And it's about skepticism. Without those elements, your commander has no reason to listen to you."

"Don't preach to me," Warren said, "I'm sure I'm a better mage than you are."

"That depends on whether or not you can hit me! IKE!" Soren shouted.

"We're tag-teaming this one!" Ike said, "Go get Mike."

"Oh, yeah, and how will Mike help?" Warren asked incredulously.

"He'd help if he had a reason to listen to you."

Warren attempted to hit Soren several times, and succeeded just once. Soren was practically tearing Warren to ribbons—as far as rules would allow.

"Mike, how come you're not telling me when he's striking!?" Warren asked.

"Oh, well," Mike said, "I didn't think an idiot like me would be able to help…"

"MIKE! YOU IDIOT!" Warren shouted. Soren landed the winning blow.

"You did it!" Ike cheered, "I knew you could!" Ike wrapped his arms around Soren. Soren blushed, although his face was buried in Ike's shirt so no one could tell.

"Friendship… between tactician and commander," Warren said, "If only Mike was more like Ike maybe I would…"

Mike vs. Ike

Ike let go of Soren and faced Mike. "Wait," Ike said. "We'll make this fair." He handed Mike Ragnell and reached an iron sword out of his sack. Soren couldn't help but laugh.

"What, Ike, was that an insult?" Mike asked, "I think I'm strong enough to beat you with that iron sword and you with Ragnell."

"Oh," Ike said, "If you insist." Ike winked at Soren.

As is hardly surprising, Ike won the fight in a matter of seconds. "Pride is the leader's biggest downfall," he said.

Soren took over the speech, "It's true. Ike's humility has led him to win, and the enemies' pride kills them."

Mike said, "Okay, Ike, you win… I'll take down those ads."

Ike asked, "And what about indiscriminately killing?"

"We'll stop that too."

"Good," Ike said, "And by the way, don't be afraid to ask us for help. In fact, I think I could help reclass your entire troop. And then, who knows? Maybe you guys will be as good as we are."

"I mean, you made Warren your tactician and mage, but he's probably more suited for swordfighting, due to his excitable nature. Tatiana on the other hand, has the cynicism required for better-safe-than-sorry tactics and indirect combat. Floyd and Kutrie should be horseback riders because of their cautious and smart natures. Sinnohv and Mina are docile enough to be optimal healers, and Ralph's apathy is probably more suited to an armor knight job. Oswald's anger would make him a phenomenal warrior, and Mitzi and Reese's mean streaks would make them amazing snipers."

"Do you have any objections to what I have said, Soren?"

"One," Soren responded, "And that is you didn't try to push a relationship."

"Oh, yes," Ike said, "You should become close to your tactician."

"Tatiana?" Mike asked. Ike nodded. "Okay, I will try."

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Six months later…

Mike and the Grooel Mercenaries went to visit the Greil Mercenaries. Mike was carrying a carton of cookies.

"Oh," Ike said upon opening the doors, "Did Oswald make these?"

"Are you kidding?" Mike asked, laughing, "The last man to let Oswald near an oven died."

"Well they smell amazing," Ike said. "I haven't seen you in a while. By the way, how did it go with Tatiana?"

"She and I are engaged now," Mike said, "Thanks to you."

"Tacticians are charming," Ike said, holding onto Soren's hand.

"What about the class changes we suggested?" Soren asked, trying to ignore Ike's hand and not blush.

"They're working great! All our fighting has improved! " Mike said, "I can't believe we ever tried to put you out of business."

"It just seems to be a distant memory now," Ike said.

"We're disbanding though," Mike said.

"What? WHY? You guys are great!" Ike said, surprised.

"Ike, you're the great one."

"Well, it's always nice to have a little competition," Ike said, shaking Mike's hand.

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