Seth Smut

My muse has been elusive; like the non-existent, vanishing, AWOL kind of elusive.

I've been seriously annoyed about the smut delay. I was completely committed to a weekly update schedule until C.9 left me in a muddle. Seth was refusing to speak to me so I was about ready to dump him and transfer this all to Kate's viewpoint, but I kept vacillating from one crap idea to another. Obviously, this story is still searching for a beta soul mate. Could that be you?

Plus, there was this movie that came out that I had to see a few billion times to drool over the half-naked men… and some rather important family holidays came around with relatives descending en mass… and there were the craptastic trials/tribulations related to job #1 and job #2 and my husband's lack of a job to stress about… blah, blah, blah. Why are you still reading this? I always skip over the author's crap.

So, with no further excuses or self justification -

Chapter 10 ~*~

Why did I always seem to want Kate so much more than she wanted me?

Kate had not broken up with me. This was good. We were still together. However, I was not happy that Kate seemed so satisfied with keeping things the way they were. What was so great about her being all independent? I mean I like that she had a job and a house and could take care of herself, but I want to take care of her too.

I want her to be at least a little dependent on me. What kind of man would I be if I didn't have that possessive, protective vibe going? I want her to be fully mine. I want her to want me as much as I want her. I totally feel like a needy, clingy dork otherwise.

I told her I loved her and wanted to be with her, but she doesn't even believe that I am telling the truth when I say I love her. How do I fix that? What could I possibly say to convince her? I mean it just kills me that she talks so cavalierly about her heart being broken by everyone she's ever loved. I would never do that to her! But it's like she is pushing me away before anything can happen.

She doesn't even want me to love her; she's completely uncomfortable with me saying anything serious. God forbid I ask her to move in with me. She didn't even want to discuss it. I want to live with her because then we'd get to be together all the time. How is this a bad thing? I mean, sure, maybe dating for a month is a little fast to get serious. Maybe it was too soon to ask, but she really overreacted! It wasn't a fully thought out proposal or anything. I wasn't asking her to choose a china pattern and sign a marriage license. I just said what I was thinking.

I don't want her to think that my wanting her even more in my life is a dismissal of everything she has built for herself. I want her to be able to set all the stuff from the past aside and be with me. But how the heck do you tell someone that and not sound like a prick? Her past, and mine for that matter, are always going to affect what we've got here. I just don't want this misunderstanding. She's interpreting my "I love you's" as "You're not good enough's." How will going slow and keeping things as they are change her opinion on that?

Arrgg. Rehashing this over and over is not helping.

I've still got no answers and now I'm just frustrated. Time to get the hell out of my room before I go crazy. I'm feeling too much like some emo teenager as it is. I'm an adult for fuck's sake. I should be able to deal with my life without all this mental torture.

"I'm going for a jog."

"Well, whoop-de-doo for you," replied Jake. The jerk was really getting on my nerves lately. He was on the couch with a beer in one hand, game controller in the other.

"Have fun killing people, asshole."

"Hey!" He pointed at me with his beer, "They're aliens. They deserve killing."

"Sure, Jake. Whatever."

Apparently I was not properly impressed so he paused the game. Jake carefully put down his beer and the controller. He stood up and walked to face me with the most serious expression I'd ever seen on the guy.

"Seth. Fuck, dude! What is wrong with you? This is Alien vs. Predator here!" He pointed to the screen. "Sega isn't even going to release it publically for two more months and I HAVE THE GAME!"

He emphasized each word as he gripped my shoulders, shaking me. He pointed again, "This is actually the special Hunter Edition for the XBOX. It is my duty as a MAN to kill these aliens!"

"So how did you get it? Did you take a trip to Japan I didn't hear about? Do you work for Sega's competition as a corporate spy?" I scoffed; not believing him or really caring even if it was true.

"No, no. My cousin in San Francisco works for Sega and he loaned me his advance copy. No one's supposed to have these yet. I had to swear that after I play it this weekend I'll give it back to him. He's up here for a week visiting his parents for the holiday. This is a fucking limited time offer, Sethy boy! We could be playing the greatest game ever right now while every other poor schmoe has to wait 'till the middle of February!"

I rolled my eyes again and grabbed my keys. His enthusiasm was not contagious.

"Oh, come on! You can be the predator, the alien or the marine. It's so awesome!"

I turned to leave but he kept going on about the greatness of the game. I could still hear him yelling about how I was being a wuss after I closed the door. I walked down the stairs and out the building. My mind was elsewhere.

I knew where I wanted to go. The woods north of La Push were my second home growing up. Running the trails there weren't boring like going around a flat, oval track. My favorite spot at home was around a canyon. When I ran those trails full of hills going up and down I felt like I was getting a real workout. Plus there were a number of good lookout spots where the views were amazing. I guess being surrounded by nature took my mind off everything.

Unfortunately, I was in the city. I would have to make do with Woodland Park. It wasn't so bad if you didn't mind hearing screaming kids on the swing set. There were soccer games being played when I got there, but the track was empty. Running on a track made me feel like a trained animal going in circles getting nowhere. All I needed was a collar and leash.

I turned on my ipod and stared to run, not bothering to stretch first. I needed some physical exertion to feel like myself again. Running usually helped. The rhythm of the music matched the beat of my feet on the dirt track. Eurasure's Oh L' Amour was next; good dance beat, but the lyrics killed me. What's a boy in love supposed to do? SKIP to the next song. Vertigo by U2 will do

It felt good to push myself so I picked up the pace. I was breathing hard, feeling the strain in my calves as I rounded my second lap at top speed. After another complete lap running as fast as I could, I slowed down, panting.

I paused to catch my breath and decided to do the smart thing and stretch out my muscles that were tingling from intensity. When I started up again I found a stride that I could pace myself with. With nothing interesting going on around me I jogged on, letting my thoughts wander.

Running is a lot like sex. Sometimes it just has to be pounded out, hard and fast, all the way to the point of exhaustion. Sometimes it feels better to take your time with a steady rhythm. Today I needed a little bit of both.

Great. You know how uncomfortable it is to run with a hard on?

I kept running, able to suppress it and continue with my pace.

I wanted to keep running for at least another half hour, but maybe I should call Kate this afternoon when I was done. I've been so caught up with everything inside my head that it would be downright healthy to focus on the physical. We could agree on that if nothing else. After all, Kate did admit that we had mind blowing sex.

~*~

On a different note, I was so impressed with the movie, New Moon, that I felt inspired to write a one-shot, Heart We Will Forget Him, that expands on why Bella can't stand music. You should check it out. Who knew I had it in me to write a Bella POV? I surprised myself. You could surprise me with a review…