A/N: I have absolutely no excuse, I know. I have been really, really busy, and I will be really busy for the next month (I'm looking at you, calculus!), so I apologize for this lateness/ future latenesses. You can tell how old this is by the song in the title, which isn't even popular anymore. D: I don't even really like Lady Gaga... ah, whatever. It's a fairly long chapter, so enjoy.

And as a side note, Allen's voice in my head does not sound anything like that stupid dub that they released. He is fucking BRITISH. He is not some guy from Minnesota with a constant head cold. Really.

I don't own D. Gray-Man.

Chapter Five

Bad Romance

"So, I was all like, 'Nuh-uh! No way, girl!' But she was like 'Hell, yeah!'" Lavi licked up a melted drip down the side of his ice cream cone. "And then she went up to him and was like, 'Kiss me!' And he totally did! It was an insane plot twist, man! Totally, like, romantic and stuff."

"No way!" Lenalee picked the cherry off of her sundae. "I really wanted him to hook up with Angela! That other girl's not nearly good enough for him! He's so gorgeous…"

"Really, I thought the sexual tension between them was what made the show interesting," Marie said seriously. "I don't know if it'll be good now that they're together."

"I thought he should have married the surgeon," said Krory.

"WHAT?" The others yelled. "No way!"

"That surgeon was really ugly!" Lenalee exclaimed. "She, like, never took a shower!"

"And she was totally a lesbian!" added Lavi.

"What?" said Marie.

"I can't stand this anymore!" Kanda fell back, massaging his temples with both hands. "If you don't shut up about that stupid show, I will show you all the meaning of pain! Especially you," he said as he gave Lavi his best murderous glare.

"Hmph," Krory pouted. "You have no romance in your soul at all, Kanda."

"And I'd love to keep it that way, thanks."

"Oh, really?" Marie smiled. "I think it's a little too late for that, don't you?"

"What?" Kanda turned his glower onto his brother. "Shut the fuck up. I have no idea what you're talking about. Never say that again." He stood up. "I'm going for a walk," he said, stalking out into the scorching August sun.

"Hey, Kanda," Lavi called after him, "How long will it take before you guys are together?" He chuckled. "You know. Long walks on the beach, romantic candlelit dinners—ack!" He jumped to his feet and sprinted away as Kanda raced toward him, his hands clenched into fists. They ran around the park as the rest of the group laughed from the shade of their favorite large oak tree.

"You know, he really does like Allen," Marie smiled as he finished up his melted ice cream. "He hasn't missed a practice with me and Allen yet." He closed his eyes in contentment as Kanda jumped on top of Lavi, knocked him down, and gave him a few punches to the gut.

"How are those going, anyway?" Lenalee asked.

"Pretty well, considering," Marie replied. "Having one arm in a sling throws his balance off, and he's taken a few nose dives." He chuckled. "But he's gotten most of his speed back. He can dribble really well with his left hand now, that's for sure."

"L-love!" Lavi shouted, trying to catch his breath as Kanda pummeled him. "You're in lo—argh!" Kanda opted for the knee to the crotch, which left Lavi curled up in a ball of agony.

"Shut the fuck up!" Kanda socked him once more for good measure, then stood up and brushed off his knees, looking a little happier.

"Kanda," Krory called from under the oak, winking at his friends. "We were all considering going down to the gallery sometime soon. Would you care to join us?"

Marie grinned widely. "Oh, tell me, Krory, do you know if Allen is working right now?"

"I believe he might be, Marie," Krory replied seriously. "Of course, we'd have to visit the gallery to be certain." He and Marie smiled expectantly at Kanda. Kanda scowled, glaring at everyone in turn. Lenalee stifled a giggle. He was obviously trying to decide whether the visit to the (air-conditioned) gallery was worth the ridicule from his teammates.

"I don't care, losers," he finally said, "but if the sprout's there, I'm leaving."

"Of course," Marie replied solemnly. The corners of his mouth twitched.

"Yep," said Lavi, who was still on the ground, "Yu's in love!" The others collapsed into giggles as Kanda placed a well-aimed kick to his ribs.

ooooooooooo

"No way!" Allen exclaimed. "I can't believe it! Those two got together? He totally should have married the surgeon!"

"What is with you losers?" Lenalee said disgustedly. "It's obvious that he and Angela were meant to be!" Allen was indeed working at the gallery, and Kanda was still there, much to his own dismay. He even had to listen to the whole stupid soap opera conversation again, with the added bonus of Allen noisily eating a sundae that his friends had considerately brought him.

"So wait… she's really a lesbian?" Allen was now saying. Kanda couldn't stand it anymore. He stood up and silently skulked into the gallery. No one called after him, so he figured he was free for the time being. His frown lessened as their voices became more and more muffled by the walls of the gallery. He walked leisurely, his thoughts relaxing into less violent ideas.

He frowned for a while at a still life painting as he thought presently of Lavi's idiotic comments in the park. He did not love things, no matter what certain morons implied. He tolerated things, certainly, and if he really got used to them he might even say that he liked them. But never love. And the bean sprout could never even fall in the "tolerate" category. That stupid cheerful smile and positive attitude... Way too much like him, he thought. But I don't want to think of that right now.

He stopped in front of the large mural featuring Marie, Krory, and himself.

Are my arms really that weak-looking? He frowned at the brush strokes. Looking around guiltily, he carefully flexed his bicep. Nah. It's just that old man's senility, he reassured himself, comparing his muscles to the painting.

A sudden snort of laughter interrupted Kanda's assessment. He turned guiltily to come face to face with Allen, who gave him a brilliantly amused smile.

"Shut up," Kanda grumbled, trying to look composed. "Why aren't you out there discussing your stupid woman shows with the rest of them?"

"They're not 'woman shows', Kanda," Allen explained patiently. "They're dramas. And I wanted to look for you."

"Well, I was trying to get away from you by coming here," Kanda stated bluntly. He retreated further into the gallery, but Allen's footsteps followed him. "Don't follow me, you stupid sprout."

"Hey, Kanda," Allen asked, "did you pose for these paintings, or did Tiedoll paint from memory?" He seemed oblivious to Kanda's solitary mood as he regarded another painting of Kanda. "I don't think you'd let him paint you knowingly, but they're so realistic…"

"That doesn't look like me at all," Kanda reluctantly grumbled. "The arms are way too wimpy-looking."

"Huh?" Allen glanced from Kanda's body to the painting, then smirked. "Oh!" he exclaimed. "That's why you were making a muscle!" He looked far too smug for Kanda's liking.

"I was comparing it," Kanda turned away from him, stalking over to a random painting on the other side of the room. "I wasn't making a muscle."

"Yes, you were," Allen teased, coming up behind him to look at the same drawing. Stupid, stupid sprout, thought Kanda, gritting his teeth. "You were flexing. You were showing off your guns." He giggled. Kanda stiffened as Allen shifted closer to his side. He was suddenly aware how warm the boy felt standing next to him. He shuffled away uncomfortably, but Allen followed. Fucking idiot, he grumbled in his head. He's doing it on purpose.

Allen suddenly sighed after a few moments of silence. "I really don't want to go home after work today," he said quietly. Kanda remained silent, not feeling like talking for the moment. He realized that their arms were now touching, very slightly. He could barely smell Allen's shampoo—mint, he noted. Then he stopped himself. What am I doing? he thought with an edge of panic. Why am I okay with him next to me? Why do I like the smell of his hair? Why--

Then Allen sighed, and Kanda found himself staring at a head of white hair that was now resting on his shoulder. He's leaning against me, he thought, panicking inwardly. He's touching me and his head is on my shoulder and what the hell--

"What do you think you're doing, you fucking idiot?" Kanda shouted, roughly pushing Allen away. Allen looked bewildered.

"Sorry, I guess I'm a little tired," he said, rubbing the back of his head abashedly. "I didn't mean to freak you out or—hey!" Kanda was striding out of the room. Allen ran up to him and caught his arm. "Where are you going?"

Kanda pulled his arm out of Allen's grasp without looking at him. "I'm leaving. I've had enough of losers for the day." He started to leave. Allen reached for him again, but Kanda pushed him this time, sending him sprawling on the polished floor.

"Go away, idiot sprout. You're annoying and I hate you. Stop acting like it's anything different." Kanda stalked out of the room without looking back. Allen stared after him, still prone on the ground. He gazed at the empty space where Kanda had been for a while, then slowly stood up and brushed off his jeans. He spared one long glance at the mural of Kanda and his brothers before leaving.

"Hey, Yu, where are you going?" Lavi broke off from his chat with his teammates long enough to grab Kanda's arm as he strode past. Kanda broke his hold easily and stalked out the door without a word.

"Yu!" Lavi called, running out after him. Kanda spun around and punched him in the stomach.

"Don't," he muttered through gritted teeth, "call me 'Yu'." Lavi stared bewilderedly as Kanda slammed the door behind him.

"What in the world's gotten into him?"

ooooooooooooooooo

Tyki sighed for the umpteenth time that day, running a hand through his careless hair. It wasn't easy, being a part of the Noah family. Most people envied the Noah—after all, who wouldn't want to be part of an important, rich, big, happy family like them? But Tyki knew better. Being wealthy and famous was lovely, sure, but there were some definite downsides to the family part of the equation.

"TYYYYYYKKIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Take Jasdevi, for example.

"What are you doing?" David asked Tyki rudely, bursting into Tyki's room and roughly pushing him out of his chair so that he could stare at the papers on Tyki's desk. Tyki tried not to castrate the boy right there. Really. He was doing important work, and his stupid little nephew didn't even have the decency to knock.

"Yeah, Tyki, why aren't you eating dinner with the rest of us?" Jasdero appeared next to his twin, grinning and waving around—oh, God, was that a gun?

"Where did you get that?" asked Tyki weakly, knowing that it was no use trying to take it away from him. Really, what they needed was some discipline.

"They're our toys," said the two boys in unison. David pulled out a gun to match Jasdero's, and he aimed it at Tyki's annoyed expression. "Bang," he shouted, "you're DEAD!" They both collapsed into raucous laughter. Tyki was not amused.

"Get out," he pointed at the door. "Get out, get out, get out, or I'll have to hurt you both."

"You can't hurt us," Jasdero stuck his tongue out between his ornamental stitches around his mouth.

"Yeah!" David kept up, stepping up on Tyki's expensive leather chair.

"Because…"

"We're…"

"JASDEVI!!!"

The twins punctured their exclamation by peppering the ceiling liberally with bullet holes. BANGBANGBANG!

"OUT!" Tyki roared. The twins scampered out the door before their uncle could get to them, giggling the whole way. Tyki scowled up at the holes in the ceiling, making a mental note to get a servant to fix them pronto. Perhaps I should just find a new room, he thought tiredly. One with a lock on the door. He sighed once before settling into his chair, intent on getting some work done. No sooner had he thought this than he felt the hairs on the nape of his neck stand on end. He turned around just in time to be dive-tackled by a slender figure.

"Tyki!" Road, his neice, nuzzled into his neck, one hand holding a lollipop to her mouth. "Why do you always have to be so boring? Can't you do something besides work?"

"You know I only do what the Earl desires of me," Tyki replied, failing to disentangle himself from her grip. "Besides, I don't always work. I have quite a bit of fun on my own time."

"Poker? Yuck," she stuck out her tongue at him, which was dyed blue from her candy. "Plus you're all stinky and gross when you play. Ooh, he's cute!" She had caught sight of a picture in the files on his desk. She pulled it closer, captivated. "Is that why you've been working so much? Will I get to meet him? Please, Tyki?"

"Stinky?" He couldn't believe it. He had to be in disguise so people wouldn't recognize him and bother him. By no means did that make him gross. "Well, if that's what you think, then I guess you'll never get to meet him..."

"No, no! I was joking! Really, Tyki, you're always pretty. Though I wish you would grow out your hair a little," she grinned as she pulled on his curly locks. "Please, I really want to meet this boy, this... Allen Walker," she read the caption below. "I want to play with him. He would make a perfect little doll."

"You may get to meet him," Tyki felt his mouth curl up into a smirk as he regarded the picture with Road. "If the Earl is planning what I think he's planning, then I'm sure you will."

"What fun," she replied. Her expression mirrored her uncle's as she snatched the file and skipped to the door. "I can't wait until it begins. See you later, Tyki."

I'm never going to get any work done, Tyki realized as he stared at the empty space where his work had been. I guess I might as well go down to dinner.

oooooooooooo

"Bollocks!" Allen cried in frustration as he missed his layup for the eleventh time. "This is never going to work, Marie!"

"What do you mean?" Marie replied calmly.

"I can't make one bloody basket no matter how hard I try!"

"Actually, I was wondering what you meant by the word 'bollocks'," Marie said with a straight face. Allen stared at him in exasperation for a moment before realizing that Marie was impervious to his expression.

"I'm rolling my eyes at you," he said instead. "This isn't funny, Marie. If I can't play basketball until this stupid arm heals I will go insane."

"Really now."

"I'm dead serious."

"Look, Allen, you were doing great last time we practiced. Are you sure something else isn't affecting your game?" Marie closed his eyes and patiently waited as Allen sputtered.

"I don't—what do you—what are you implying, Marie?"

"Look, this is the first practice that Kanda hasn't attended, and yesterday he stormed out of the gallery and hasn't talked to anyone since," Marie frowned at his friend. "It's obvious you two had some kind of argument. And it's affecting how you play basketball. Why don't you just make up with him so you can focus?"

"It's not that simple," replied Allen wearily. "I think I kind of freaked him out."

"Let's take a break, then, and you can tell me all about it." Marie carefully walked towards the grassy edge of the court and sat down. Allen followed, sprawling on the grass and taking a sip of water.

"So I kind of hugged him," he began awkwardly. "I mean, it wasn't really a hug, because I didn't hold him or anything, but I just kind of... touched him?" He flushed as Marie's eyebrows climbed steadily up his face. "Uh...can I start over?"

"Please do."

"Okay. We were talking, and we were actually getting along pretty well. I teased him a little, because I caught him making a muscle..."

Marie snorted in quiet laughter. Allen smiled for a moment before continuing.

"And I started thinking about how I had to go home, and how much I didn't want to have to see Cross, and I somehow ended up leaning my head against his shoulder. And he pushed me away and left and I haven't seen him since." Allen closed his eyes at the memory of Kanda's departure. Marie was silent for a minute before sighing quietly.

"It's not your fault, Allen," he explained as he patted Allen's shoulder gently. "Kanda doesn't like to get close to people."

"That's for sure."

"He had a traumatic childhood."

"He was dropped on his head, wasn't he?"

"Maybe," Marie replied. "But I'm serious. He lost someone very close to him when he was young. He went through a lot of pain, both physical and emotional. He's come a long way since then, but he's always been very standoffish." He faltered. "I really don't think it's my place to tell you any more. If he wants you to know, he'll tell you himself. But you have to give him space, and you have to let him know that you care for him."

"And how do you propose I do that?" Allen scowled at the ground, picking at the grass with one hand. To his surprise, Marie chuckled and ruffled Allen's hair.

"Why don't you just try talking to him and apologizing? After all, Kanda likes you a lot. Trust me. He won't be mad forever."

Allen smiled, suddenly encouraged. It seemed to him that the sun shined a little brighter. He would find Kanda and talk to him, one on one. He could do this. Standing up suddenly, he jogged over to the forgotten basketball, palming it with one hand.

"Let's try this again, Marie."

oooooooooooo

"Eggs!" Skinn spat out the food in disgust. "It's not sweet! Why isn't it sweet!?" He grabbed the waitress by the front of her uniform and decked her across the room. Tyki couldn't believe his eyes. Really. He had almost forgotten how much fun it was to eat with the whole family.

"What did you expect, Skinn?" Road's annoyed tone floated across the table. "It's an egg, silly. A plain old egg. It's not going to taste like anything different."

"I want sweet food," Skinn insisted belligerently. "Right NOW!" The servers scattered out of the dining room, no doubt looking for something to appease the Noah's appetite. Tyki sighed and chewed his egg solemnly.

"So, Tyki, how has the task been going?" The Millenium Earl smiled fondly at Tyki from his right. "I heard you have been quite successful."

"Somewhat," Tyki replied. "However, certain…miscreants… have been rather distracting as of late." He sent a pointed glare in the direction of Jasdevi, who were now pretending to shoot their eggs into little pieces. The Earl chortled contentedly.

"It's been so long since we all ate a meal together," he said, grinning widely and taking a large bite of egg. "How nice it is to be part of a big family like ours." Skinn pounded the table in happiness as an entire chocolate cake was set in front of him, while David accidentally sent a bullet ricocheting off the table. In the corner, Lulubell was frowning into space, ignoring her food, while further down the table various other Noah talked loudly to each other. Tyki sighed and addressed the Earl.

"Tell me," he said as Jasdero leapt across the table at Road, "What in the world made you adopt all of us, Earl?"

"Why?" The Earl almost seemed surprised at Tyki's question, but he recovered quickly. "Why, what would I do without you? You are like my dear children. And more importantly, what would all of you talented children do without me?"

"I imagine quite a few of us would end up in prison," Tyki replied dryly as he watched Road viciously skewer Jasdero's hand with a sharp candle.

"Road! Do not damage the tendons! Of course, Tyki, dearest. Jails, orphanages, shabby apartments, with meaningless careers and meaningless lives. Society doesn't realize what gifts you all were born with. What you could become."

"Except for you."

"Precisely." The Earl leaned back in his chair, shrouding his face in the shadows. "You are my children, and you are my empire. With Road's keen insight into the mind, with your handsome face and cunning deadliness, with Skinn's brute force... all of you, together, build our monopoly."

"Are you talking about the NOAH company?"

"Yes, that. Of course that."

"You do realize that we sell insurance."

"And is that all we sell, my dear Tyki?" The Earl's grin could be seen even in the gloom.

"Wacky ta-BACKY!" Jasdero shouted, waving his pistol in exultation.

"It starts with the business, Tyki. But it doesn't end there." Road slowly licked her spoon clean.

"Together, we can control the insurance industry, the black market, Congress... anything. There's nothing that can stop us. Together, the whole world is our plaything." Lulubell had broken out of her deep thought long enough to join in.

"Not quite," the Earl amended. "I'm afraid that they are on to our plan."

"No," Tyki gasped.

"Yes," said the Earl, "I have intelligence that they are making moves to thwart us."

"Who?" Jasdevi asked in unison, staring intently at the Millenium Earl.

"Government workers," Road hissed.

"Yes. They're everywhere. They collect taxes and renew driver's licenses. They annoy you with fines and court dates when you break a few teensy laws. Underpaid and unhappy they may be, but they are fairly efficient at dealing with so-called 'criminals'. Yes, the government will by the bane of the Noah." The Earl was now shaking with rage. "And they are practically on our doorstep. If we do nothing, all of my aspirations will be crushed."

"What? Who? Who's onto us?" Tyki asked. The Earl just smiled.

"You need to work harder, my darling Tyki. You should know already."

"You mean..."

"Yes. I am talking about Allen Walker."

A/N: So at this point, I do realize that the plot kind of seems like the story "Xanthous". It is not, I assure you. It will be a little similar but it will go in a different direction. Also, this is not a serious story, as you can probably tell. :D

I was going to make this chapter a little longer, but if I don't put this up now it will be another month, so I figured I'd upload now and just make the next one longer.

Hey, leave a review if it makes you happy. It sure makes me happy. And it will help keep me sane as I study my ass off. :D

CHAPTER SIX COMING SOON.

MAYBE.