Author's Note

Y'know, it seems like writing a great story is easy with these showdowns. I don't know why, but they seem to come out much better written than my other Fics.

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That's the part where you're supposed to say "But Phoenix, I think all your fanfics are well written!"

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It's alright; I understand you don't like lying to a friend. But, my self-inflicted comedy still works well, don't you think?

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Okay, I'm gonna write my story now…..

Fight Five: Sea Captain's Lament(Buddhist Monkey Vs Russel)

Enter scene on a small village, peaceful, rural, and right over the hill from the ocean. The sun was shining, and a nice ocean breeze cooled the villagers on the warm summer day. Yes, it was another peaceful day in 快乐的 树 village, Buddhist monkey was hurrying through the marketplace shouldering two large buckets of water. He dashed across the dirt road swiftly, as if the twenty pound loads on his shoulders were non-existent. The cheery look of peace and inner light was alive and well in his eyes, and a calm smile drifted along his face.

"Hey, Monkey boy, Need a bite?" a voice, familiar, called from one of the shops. He turned to find Jori-Lee, a panda mother holding her baby in a burlap pouch on her back. She grinned warmly while holding out a small crab-cake. Monkey, always hungry because of his training, snatched up the snack and tossed it into his mouth, speaking with his mouth full.

"Thanks, Jori. I see you're still feasting on crab, you've done very well for yourself recently."

She giggled "Oh, have I? I think you of all people would know, after all, my good fortune was your donation."

"I told you, don't thank me, thank Char Sew. Now, if you'll excuse me!" He turned to run off in towards his destination, but Pei-Ling called him once again.

"Hey, take these, I've got plenty. " She handed him a bundle of crab cakes "Are you off to visit Master O's grave again?"

"Yeah, I figured I'd get in my morning exercises out of the way and water his flowers. I might even leave him a few of these!" He tossed another cake in his mouth, and ran off towards the village shrine. It was a ways off from the village, near the forest on the leeward end, away from the ocean. It was a large stone monolith, housed in a wooden box with an elaborate gilded roof. The shrine acted as a mass grave for the remembrance of dead villagers who's loved ones had their names inscribed on the slate. Monkey, setting the heavy buckets down, placed a few of the crab cakes on the foot of the shrine and kneeled in prayer for a few minutes, reflecting on his late master. Then he calmly took the buckets and pulled a small wooden spoon from his robes, watering the abundant flowers that mourners had left in elaborate and beautiful vases. When he was finished, Monkey calmly kneeled before the shrine and began to count his breaths. Meditation was a favorite skill of the monks of the village, known to give spiritual, mental, and physical rejuvenation. There he sat, in the tranquility of nature for what seemed like minutes, but in actuality it was truly hours.

"9,998….9,999….10,000." About an hour in, he reached his goal, then began again. "10,000….9,999…9,998…."

……….

Meanwhile, just as Buddhist Monkey had arrived at his destination, the fisherman had headed out for their daily run around the surrounding sea. The only ships out were small fishing vessels, the one furthest out was piloted by a strong fisherman and his sons. He was a burly sort, a strong fox with a slit across his face and bristly whiskers jutting out of his chin. He stood out on the front of the vessel, as his three sons sat joking about old fisherman's tales, mostly the ones starring their father.

"His scar was his most famous, even better than the shark tooth necklace" The tallest one said, "He got it in a fight with a kraken, and the other fisherman said so."

" Yeah right, I heard from the fisherman who was with him that day, it was a saw toothed great white! Tore right into him and split his boat in two!" a shorter, chubbier fox said.

"Nuh-uh, daddy told me himsewf!" The youngest, probably no older than eight chimed in, "He got hit wit a cut-less by a pie-rate!" The two older brothers immediately rejected this theory, thinking half the words their youngest brother spoke were made up entirely.

"Yeah right! What's a cut-less anyhow, some kinda fish?"

"And there ain't no such thing as a pi-rat! All rats eat is grain!"

Finally, their father had had enough, and boomed at the two eldest boys "GON! PON! Your brother Kon is right! I told him that story and it's the truth. I got this scar from a pirate."

The chubby brother, Gon, was shaking at his father's voice, but dared to ask "Bu-but what's a pi-rat, and a cut-less?"

"Sons, before I settled down with your mother, I was a seafaring man and I traveled with many a foreign ship. These fellows called the British were an alright sort, though they dressed funny, they were trustworthy and had powerful weapons called flintlocks. These were like a sling, only it shot a metal stone with a great explosion" he had only just begun, but the boys were enthralled. We traveled the seas until we ran afoul some pirates. Now, pirates are like bandits that travel the sea and steal from other ships. There was an enormous battle, cannons, which are like big old flintlocks and twenty times as strong, started blasting and one got in real close and cut me with a long curved sword called a cutlass! And that's where I got me scar from. 'Course, I beat that old pirate good and lived to tell the tale." The father puffed out his chest triumphantly and laughed, but his sons had a gaze of terror locked on something behind their father. Finally, one of the sons, Pon, spoke up

"D-dad, do p-p-p-p-pirates travel in big wooden ships, like that one?" He pointed to an enormous clipper ship that had sailed up close, dwarfing the small, three man vessel the four men had to share.

Their father looked shocked, but let out a hardy laugh. "No no no, me boyos! That's a trading ship like the one's I traveled on. Haven't seen one of these in a while! It looks a French one to be exact, see the flag up on the mast there. AHOY! Anyone up there?" He shouted, and a clanking of wood and a heavy object on wheels could be heard as the captain approached the railing. He was an otter, pale skinned with blood shot eyes. Eye, actually, he had only one. And a hook where his right hand should be, along with a wooden peg for his left foot. The oddest thing about this stranger though, was the thick linked chains wrapped around him that had long since rusted and the enormous metal barrel beside him.

" I told ya they dressed weird," The father whispered to his sons.

"D-dad," The youngest spoke up, "Is that thing a cannon? Like, the ones that make big explosions?"

"Yes son, it is, but don't worry. A trading ship only has them to defend themselves, they'd never-" But he was cut off by a familiar sound, the striking of a match. The captain held the lit flame above the small opening in the steel monster, dropping it in to ignite the gunpowder. The father had not a second to react before the beast roared out steel and pure fire into the unwitting family of fisherman, killing them instantly.

The otter simply drew a false smile, hardly satisfied with anything anymore. A tune popped into his head and he sang sullenly while moving the other cannons into place.

"Oh, better far to live and die, under the brave black flag I fly, than play a sanctimonious part with a pirate head and a pirate heart. Away to the cheating world go you…."

……

It was around sunset when Monkey's daily training by his master's shrine was complete and he could return to his small hut in the village. He placed the two buckets upon his shoulders once again, hardly difficult being they were both empty, and sprinted off in the direction of the village. About halfway there, though, he saw smoke on the horizon, and quickened his pace. He had been gone for a while, and was terrified to think that there might have been another ninja attack on the village in his absence. But when he arrived, the destruction present could be nothing short total destruction, something even the most skilled ninja could not accomplish. Craters were dug into the ground by what appeared to be pitch-black meteors, the shops were all leveled and still smoking. Bodies lay in heaps among the dirt road that spilt the town in two, and far off on the horizon, a giant ship was slowly sailing away.

"M-Monkey Boy, is that you?" A withered voice rang from one of the collapsed shops. Monkey ran over and pushed the collapsed beams out of the way to find a broken and beaten Jori-Lee, clutching her frightened baby.

"What happened here Jori? Who did this?" He asked, kneeling to meet the weak woman's gaze.

She coughed, and spoke slowly "That ship, that leviathan monster drove into our harbors and destroyed our ships with enormous barrels of fire. Then, it pulled along side the village and began firing on the village. The women and children fled, and the men stayed to defend our homes, but I couldn't find little Zhu," She looked down at her baby. " He must have gotten away while I was tending the shop, and by the time I found him we didn't have time to escape, so we hid. Oh god, it was terrible. The fire and brimstone rained from the heavens and tore them to pieces. I, I just feel so powerless." And Jori, unable to take anymore, held her baby close and cried.

It was then Monkey felt it taking over him again, the rage and the raw power he worked so hard to repress He held his hands to his chest in a prayer like position and began muttering to himself.

"爱"

"光"

"生命"

"好运"

The prayer was meant to find peace and calm his raging soul, but it was too late. His eyes took on a jaded look, his mouth clenched in anger. He began to levitate over the ground and turned to the sea, where the ship was slowly escaping. He shot out like an arrow towards the wooden beast and tore into the hull of the ship, bursting out from under the floor. He floated above, where he spied only one man on a ship that could house fifty. He was a worn and beaten man, with no tolerance for anyone who wished to make his life more miserable.

He threw his arms in the air and shouted "So, God? Is this it? After the hell you've put me through you send a mercy angel to end poor captain Russell's life? Taking pity on me, are you? Well, tell God when you get to the pearly gates" His voice was now directed at Monkey, "I don't need his mercy!"

But Monkey patience was already being tried by the furious sea captain rant about god, and charged him with all his might, but the old salt was faster than he seemed, and pulled a shining metal barrel from his pocket, a blunderbuss. A hail of grapeshot tore into Buddhist Monkey's chest and he was sent spiraling backwards, crashing into the railing of the ship. But before the skilled monkey could react, Russell was attacking with an enormous curved sword. The fine edged blade could only slice Monkey's robes as he leapt to one side and delivered a furious punch to his ribs, sending the pirate tumbling to the opposite railing. The monk walked slowly, the very ship shaking with the energy of each of step, as the pirate fished in his coat pockets for another weapon, pulling out a crudely made grenade. He struck a match across his body and lit the fuse, tossing it at his attacker. Monkey was ready this time, and caught the explosive with a psychic grasp and lobbed it back at its owner. The explosion crippled Russell, giving him no way of escaping, but he had nothing left to lose and wouldn't give up this fight. He pulled a flintlock pistol from his coat and fired, striking Monkey's eye. The monk recoiled in pain and the captain limped over towards his cannon, pulling the heavy rusted chains from his body. He loaded them into the barrel and aimed it at the still immobile Monkey, firing with an explosion of gunpowder. The chains tore at the warrior's flesh and wrapped around him in a crushing vice grip. He fell to his knees and watched in vain as the Pirate captain slowly dragged a cannon ball over to finish him off laughing as he did.

"Now, I'm a man of mercy, young whelp. And I'll slaughter you peacefully, so you don't have to endure any suffering. Now, bid farewell, and send my love to my poor sea chell when you cross over to the other side." He dropped a lit match into the ignition hole and the hundred pound black orb shot at the helpless monkey, leaving him with only one thing to do. Buddhist Monkey, began to focus. Focus deeply until the earth slowed to a crawl and he could analyze the threat at hand. He stared straight at the cannonball, what once was a lighting strike had been slowed to a snail's pace and Monkey began to focus even more. White energy began crackling from his mind into the cannonball, until it began rotating the opposite way. It spun faster and faster and when the sea captain realized what was going on, it was too late. His own munitions had been turned against him and the cannon ball pinned his torso to the wall of the ship, next to the door to the deeper sections of the ship.

Monkey approached Russell, who was barely alive, but without another word the captain pulled out another pistol, firing into skull, as if to say "I won't let you claim my life, or save it." The young monk frowned at the sight of the dead captain, and closed his eyes with two gentle fingers. He was curious as to why the captain was alone, and why he had chosen to attack such a peaceful village, and decided he would descend into the lower hulls of the ship. It was dark, but in the sunlight that flickered through he found a candle, and ignited it with a snap of his fingers. With the added light Monkey found he was treading on a floor nearly carpeted with corpses of other pirates. They all seemed to have died of starvation, or sickness, but some were wounded as if in a mutiny. He set the candle on a nearby desk, and found a small journal. Running his finger across the page, he could make out faded words.

1st mate Chippy's log

February 20th 1789

We have just begun our first voyage of the year, a simple trading mission that will last us a few months. We plan on passing around the coast of Africa, around to South America, then we'll make a stop in the Jamaican Islands. It should be a relatively easy trip, but that won't stop the old captain from sayin' his farewells like it was his last day on this earth. Ah, how he loves that Michelle girl, we still joke about that nickname he gave her, "My little Sea Chell" Who'da thunk a captain like him would ever marry such a beautiful noble like her? But anyhow, the boat out of Paris is just about leaving and god knows Russell don't care for no late sailors

May 15th 1789

We've made land in Africa; the sailing's been smooth as glass. Though, I've been speaking with a couple other sailors who've been chatting about the seas and there's been talk of a revolution stirring among the people of France. But, I didn't tell the captain, he's a nervous wreck whenever it comes to Michelle and if he had even an inkling that she was in trouble he'd haul the crew about face and send us home so he could see she was alright. I just pray that Michelle's alright, as much for our sake as hers.

July 23rd 1789

Dash it all to hell! Damn my loose lips, why oh why did I have to tell him? There was a revolt, a revolution in France! The mad barbarians slaughtered every noble they could get their hands on, and Michelle was not but another meal for the guillotine! The captain's eyes took on a glassy pale look and he ordered us back into the sea, but a horrific storm's a brewin'! We should have never left; he'll be the death of us.

September 18th 1789

We're wanted men, now. We can't return to civilization after what we've done. We were low on supplies, and we still hadn't docked since that storm. The captain ordered us to attack a friendly British ship, and we were starved and frenzied. God damn it all, I slaughtered an innocent man! We've become what we've always feared, Pirates. We've got enough supplies to last us a good month, but we shan't last another two weeks in this condition.

November 12th 1789

The captain's gone mad. He's attacked and killed three crewmates who've tried to convince him to turn back, but he just keeps steering us in circles. We can't stop him now, in the dead of night he chained himself to the steering wheel, blunderbuss in hand, and refuses to move. Men are beginning to flake off from disease, and a few escaped in a lifeboat with a few rations. I'm going to swim it, there's nothing left to do. Death would be a mercy at this point.

The words came to an end, and without a word Buddhist Monkey closed the leather bound journal and ascended the steps to the surface.

Winter

Snow fell gently, a beautiful blanket of frost covered the landscape. The shrine where Monkey's master was immortalized was no exception to the natural tranquility of the land. Footsteps leading to and from the slate rock were the only traces of humanity, aside from the shrine itself. On it was placed a small offering, an elaborate dish with three crab cakes and crudely scratched in it were the casualties of the spring. But, in the Chinese calligraphy stood out two names near the bottom in an English script.

The lovers

Russell and Michelle

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YIKES! I, I don't know what happened there. I've never written such a long chapter, but bear with me as I tell you a few more things. This is the last showdown I actually had planned out, but I'm willing to take a few suggestions if you've got 'em. Any two unlikely HTFs you'd like to see throw down?

Go ahead, suggest Flaky. I know you were thinking it.

Flaky: Hey, I think I deserve to have a starring role in one of your stories, especially after that last thing you said about me! A lawn chair handcuff dance, clad in bubble wrap? I mean, it's sexist, crude and shameful! I have never been more insulted in all my life! I think you deserved nothing short of my urine in your mouth. And I bet you got some sick kick off of that didn't you? DIDN'T YOU? Well, that's just fine, a shameful fetish for a shameful man. I mean, do you have any dignity at all?

Me: *Staring blankly at her chest* No, I totally agree. I can't believe Cuddles suggested to do that to you while Giggles licked you and I watched. *Is hit with another jar of urine* OH GOD WHY!?!?!

Flaky: Anyway, I'm still getting paid to be here, so don't forget to review and check out Phoenix's latest poll to decide what he'll write next. So goodnight, and have a pleasant tomorrow!