Title: Equivalent Exchange (1/6)
Day/Theme: October 6. are you now or have you ever been
Series: Angel/Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Character/Pairing: Connor, Angel, Buffy; mild Buffy/Angel, mentions of Connor/Cordelia, Angel/Cordelia
Rating: PG
Summary: To obtain, something of equal value must be lost. Unbeknownst to Angel until destiny caught up with him, the true price for Connor's new life was Dawn Summers'.

In one set of memories, Connor remembers sneaking into his sister's room, finding her diary and reading the latest entry that described in detail her first kiss with her soon-to-be-boyfriend. In another set of memories, he remembers sinking his father into the bottom of the ocean.

Both his sister's soon-to-be-boyfriend and father are the same person.

Once again, Connor lives at the Hyperion Hotel.

However, it's different now. Cordelia's room is always quiet, because now she's dead. But Buffy is there, most of the time. Spike and Wesley might as well just move in, as much time as they spend there. And various Scoobies and allies come and go frequently.

But the part that's most different is that it feels like home. Before, he had no where else to go. Now, there is no where else he wants to be.

When Sunnydale blew up, so did nearly all of the photo albums that showcased Connor in the childhood he never had but remembers better than his real one.

Buffy, with the help of Wesley, was able to contact their father in order to get the three albums he owned from him, and give them to Angel.

He's the only one with no memories of his son as a Summers.

Connor often catches Angel looking through them. The look on his father's face tells Connor all he needs to know: it's not enough but way more than he feels he deserves.

Recently, Angel bought Buffy a bracelet that spelled out the name Dawn. She never takes it off. And, often, Connor finds her fiddling with it absently. Or, she'll grow quiet and stare at it, unmoving, until her brother snaps her out of it.

He's the only one who can.

He's also the only one without any memories of Dawn.

You shouldn't be able to resent and love someone you've never met who technically doesn't exist and never has. But Connor does.

The world isn't what it should be and there are some things that can't be overlooked or ignored to be able to walk in the world as it could be.

Sometimes it's also not enough to apologize.

Sometimes you just have to take what you have and work with it.

It's a lesson Connor learned from both Buffy and Angel - the two people he knows who can never learn it properly, much less live it.

Every once in awhile, Connor and Angel will find themselves in Cordy's old room together. Neither of them ever say anything to one another and it's the only time Connor allows Angel to hug him.

Usually Connor goes in there alone, sits on her bed, and wishes desperately he knew the Cordelia who was the heart of Angel's mission and loved by most of the people he knows as well as the one who was possessed and devoured by evil in order to use him.

-

Connor's sure he'll never forgive Spike for hurting Buffy. But he's also sure that it's possible to care for someone in spite of the things that can never be fixed.

He wonders if Dawn hated him too and if she ever got the change to allow herself to love him again before she was ripped from the world as quietly as she was put in it.

The only one he tells his nightmares to is Wesley. He won't say how they make him feel or mention that he sometimes wakes up shivering and covered in head to toe with his own sweat.

Wesley never asks for him to elaborate.

He's not sure if Wesley listens to him in order to make up for kidnapping him, because he understands how read into what a person says to find what they mean and is never one to let his skills go to waste, or because he simply cares for Connor.

Connor's also not sure if, in the end, the motive really matters.

When they're training together or Angel is scolding him, Connor often slips and calls him 'Dad'.

He's starting to think the times he calls him 'Angel' instead of 'Dad' are the slip ups. He's not sure if it's the way Angel looks at him when he does or because of the bone-deep feeling he has that tells him it's Angel is his father.

Maybe it's both.

The only thing in the world Connor feels he can count on no matter what is Buffy. She's saved the world countless times. She leads an army of Slayers every day. She's his sister in every way that counts. She's the one he loves the most.

He tells her this every time she sends someone off to die.

He's not sure if she'll ever believe him, but he won't stop telling her.

Angel's mission to make amends and Buffy's mission to save the world have yet to interfere with one another, and, often aren't exclusive goals.

They all know that could change fast.

They all know it will probably involve Connor.

It's not something anyone talks about.