For The Sacred and Profane.

Warnings for au-ishness, total, absolute farce, ooc-ness on everybody's parts, and cliche.

I neither own nor profit from ffvii or its characters.

Enjoy.

fire mystic

Double Trouble and Then Some

Tifa looked at the clock and then back at the bills spread out on the table before her. It was fast approaching one thirty in the morning, and she had to get Elly up by seven to get ready for school, not to mention the million errands she had to do before she could open the bar the next afternoon. Business was good, and she had managed to get a bit of help so she wasn't tied to the bar 24/7, but it wasn't nearly enough, and the bills kept rolling in.

And there they were in front of her, spread out, demanding to be paid.

There just wasn't enough time in a day.

An hour later, Reno found Tifa still in her chair at the kitchen table, head resting on her arms, which were resting on the array of bills, some finished and secured in their envelopes, some yet to be paid.

Ditching his Turk jacket in the hamper and kicking off his muddy boots, he wrapped his arm around his wife, urging her to stand.

"Come on, Baby. It's time for bed."

She muttered and whined a bit as he managed to get her to her feet, at which point he swept her into his arms, giving up on the notion of getting her up the stairs any other way.

Once he had placed her gently in bed and removed her shoes and what he could of her clothes, he wandered into Elly's room, smiling down at his beautiful daughter as he found her, curled up in a tight little ball, her red hair fanned out across the pillow. She wiggled a bit as he pushed a stray strand of hair from her face, sleepy brown eyes cracking open to look up at her father.

"Daddy?"

"It's okay, Sweetheart. I'm just saying goodnight. You go back to sleep."

"Hmmm," she muttered. "Pancakes for breakfast?"

He nodded, leaning to whisper in her ear.

"With chocolate chips. Now get back to those sweet dreams." He kissed her cheek gently, and stayed with her a moment, smoothing a hand over her hair as she slept, and then stole out of the room, leaving the door partially open and the hall light lit.

Tifa woke to the sun shining through the curtains, and knew right away that she had overslept. Practically flying out of the bed, she threw her robe on and raced to Elly's room first. Finding the bed empty, the kitchen was her next stop, where she found Elly happily shoveling pancakes into her mouth and Reno cleaning up the stove top.

"Oh, Gaia! You're going to be late for work, Reno. You should have woken me up!"

Shrugging, he leaned back against the sink, wiping his hands on a dishtowel.

"When I have to put you to bed at near three in the morning, I figure you need to sleep. Relax." He hugged her as she came closer. "I already called Tseng and Elly's had breakfast. Anything else before I go?"

Tifa couldn't speak for a second. She felt horrible. This was at least the fourth time in the past two weeks Reno had to call in late because she had overslept, yet she never seemed to get enough sleep. Tseng was being very understanding, but she knew that, at this rate, his generosity wouldn't last long.

"No, you go to work and apologize to Tseng for me, and I'll get Elly to school." She kissed him quickly on the cheek, but he pulled her back for another, more intimate kiss.

"Eww, Daddy! You're gonna give Mommy cooties!"

He drew away from Tifa laughing, and on his way to the door, made sure to plant a kiss on Elly's cheek as well, despite her trying to squirm from his grasp.

"Here's some for you, too."

"Daddy!" She cried as he raced out the door. Scrunching up her face, she looked at her mother, who smiled sweetly.

"Don't worry, Baby. They're the good kind. Don't you dare wipe them off!"

As she ran her errands, Tifa stopped by to say hello to Aeris, but felt terrible that her first sentence included the phrase 'I only have a minute'. Of course, she ended up explaining her situation to Aeris, nearly bursting into tears as she realized how truly upset she was at her predicament. She had a wonderful life, a husband and daughter that loved her, and no time to enjoy it. It was as simple as that! Aeris smiled in that enigmatic way she had and raised a finger, gesturing her further into the house.

"I have something that may help." She led Tifa down the stairs to the basement, which was well lit, and, apparently, had been turned into a lab of some sorts. In the corner stood a strange chamber that was covered by buttons and gadgets, the likes of which Tifa had never seen before, except within the walls of…Shinra.

"It's an old Shinra gadget that I've been playing with. I figure Shinra invented it, someone ought to get some good out of it."

"You're sure it's safe?"

"I think so. I've only tried it a couple of times."

"What exactly does it do?"

Aeris batted her eyelashes innocently. "It makes clones."

And so, the trouble began.

Reno looked around the house. There wasn't a speck of dust, an item out of place, and…where were the curtains. This wasn't something he normally paid attention to, but when every curtain in the house disappeared, how could he not notice. He walked through the house, finally finding one item out of place. A steam cleaner. Did they even own a steam cleaner? He stepped over the bulky object, and continued his search, finally finding Tifa, who was outside, hanging the missing curtains on a clothesline. A clothesline? He didn't know they had one of those either.

"Tifa? What you up to?"

She spared him half a glance, her mouth full of clothes pins as she snapped the corners of material up, and when the last pin was in place, she gestured at her handiwork.

"Spring Cleaning."

Spring cleaning? Had he stepped into the twilight zone? Had Tifa lost her mind. Granted, it was spring, but Tifa had been so run down lately, completely swamped. Where was she getting the energy for all of this?

"Uh huh. And what about Elly? Did you pick her up from school?"

"Elly? School?" She blinked wide brown eyes at him, clearly puzzled. "I got all the cobwebs down, and pulled the curtains and all the sheets for cleaning, which I still have to get back on the beds. And then I dusted the entire downstairs. It was quite a chore, you know. And then I vacuumed and steam cleaned the rugs, and mopped all the other floors. Tomorrow, I have to get to dusting the upstairs and doing those floors, and then I have to get all the windows cleaned, and…"

"Tifa!" She looked up at him again, the same curious expression on her face.

"Yes, Sweetheart?"

"Did you pick Elly up from school?"

"Oh. Yes. I'll get to it. Don't worry about that." Humming, she went back to hanging another curtain.

Reno backed into the house, just a bit worried. This was not the Tifa he knew. Yes, the house had needed sprucing up, but Tifa always seemed to manage, and without being scary about it. Where this cleaning bug had come from, he wasn't sure, but he wished it would go away. And what was the story with Elly? Tifa was already late picking her up, but if she said she had it handled, he wasn't going to interfere.

Removing his already loosened tie, he went to change his clothes. It was bad enough he had to wear that suit at work; he certainly wasn't going to wear it at home. He had just come back down the stairs when the front door opened and Elly came running toward him with a gleeful "Daddy", dropping her schoolbag on the way. Reno scooped her up into his arms, happy to see her, but frowning.

"You're home." He said incredulously.

"Silly, Daddy. I can't stay in school all the time."

Tifa came through the doorway a second later, her purse over one shoulder, holding the mail in the other hand.

"I thought you said you hadn't picked her up," Reno sputtered, looking from Tifa standing in front of him towards the back of the house where he had last seen her. He hadn't been upstairs that long, had he?

"I don't know what you're talking about Baby. I picked her up an hour ago." As she approached, Reno leaned over Elly to kiss her, but Tifa wasn't having any of that.

"Not now, Reno. Would you mind getting Elly ready for dinner while I cook?"

"Are you feeling okay, Tifa?"

"Of course I am. Just give me a bit, and dinner will be on the table."

Doing his best to hide his confused expression from Elly, Reno took Elly to her room to change.

He had just gotten Elly changed into her play clothes and hung up her uniform when Tifa appeared in the doorway.

"I hear it's time to play."

Elly jumped up and down, bounding into her mother's arms.

"I thought you were cooking dinner." Reno's head was starting to spin.

Tifa's brow scrunched in confusion, but then she smiled.

"Don't worry. It'll get done. Right now, I want to play!"

"What about homework?" Reno asked. "You have any homework, Elly?"

Elly never had a chance to answer. Tifa stamped her foot, knotting her fists at her sides, and pouted terribly.

"I don't want to do homework! I want to play!" And despite this behavior being the most extremely out of character so far today, Reno didn't get time to argue with her because Elly quickly got over her own shock at her mother's behavior and joined in.

Reno wondered if there was any Excedrin left in the medicine closet.

"Let's go outside, Mommy!"

"But I want to finger-paint." There was that pout again.

"Outside."

"Finger-paint!"

That was it. Reno couldn't take it anymore. He bailed on both of them, leaving them to duke it out on their own. He didn't even have the strength to referee.

Making his way to the medicine chest, Reno got the Excedrin he had been thinking about, popping two in his mouth and, not even bothering with a cup, scooping water into his mouth to swallow them. As he was bent over, he felt arms wrap around him from behind, searching fingers caressing over his chest and down over his stomach. He stood up, watching Tifa's hands in the mirror as he felt her mold herself to his back, rubbing her face into the hollow between his shoulder blades.

"Hey Baby," she purred. "I missed you today."

Reno leaned against the sink, shaking his head for a moment. Tifa must have given up on playing with Elly. Or maybe he was losing his mind.

"I guess you're ready for that kiss hello now, huh?"

Instead of answering, she used one hand to turn him, pressing him back against the sink, and rose up to lock her mouth to his in something far more exotic than a hello kiss, her tongue invading his mouth, her body writhing against him, hands wandering, groping with desperate heat, one leg wrapping around his leg till she nearly threw him off balance with her voracity. Drawing back suddenly from the searing kiss, Tifa smiled seductively.

"Give me a minute. I'm going to change into something more comfortable." And as quickly and silently as she appeared, she was gone.

Reno took a moment to re-orient his muddled brain, bracing himself, holding tight to the edge of the sink as he stared at the doorway that Tifa had just vacated with a sultry swagger of hips.

Well, at least this looked promising.

On his way to the bedroom, he was distracted by the odors coming from the kitchen below. Damn, what was that woman cooking? It smelled absolutely mouth-watering. He glanced at the closed bedroom door, and figured Tifa probably needed a second to change. It wouldn't hurt for him to take a detour to find out what was on the stove.

Apparently, Tifa had the same idea, because when he got there she was standing over the stove, the wooden spoon lifted to her lips to taste whatever smelled so wonderful. Reno wandered over, wrapping his arms around her waist, somewhat like she had done to him only a few minutes ago, and nuzzling his face into the crook of her neck.

"It smells delicious." He would have asked for a taste, but his arms were now wrapped around a panicked, struggling Tifa.

"Reno! For Gaia's sake! We're in the kitchen!"

He reached for the tie on her impeccably spotless apron.

"Yeah? So?"

She skittered further away.

"It's just not…proper."

"Proper?" He chuckled. "Since when are you worried about proper?"

Tifa drew up indignantly.

"What are you trying to say? Are you saying I'm…I'm…improper?"

Reno dropped his head, rubbing at his temples, which were beginning to throb harder despite the Excedrin.

"No, Tifa. That's not what I meant. I just thought…oh, never mind. I think I'm going to lie down."

"No time for that now," Tifa informed him, pointing her wooden spoon at the food on the stove. "Dinner's ready. If you get Elly, I'll have it all on the table when you get back."

It proved to be an interesting evening. Dinner, right down to flowers and candles, had been waiting on the table when Reno returned with Elly in tow. They had eaten and Tifa had promptly cleared the table and, with efficiency Reno had never witnessed before, had all the dishes clean, dried and put away in record time. Expecting Tifa to read to Elly for a while, Reno went into the shop to check out the new gadget he had picked up at work that day, but within minutes, Elly found him, a pout on her face.

"What's wrong, Princess?" Reno asked as he put the new tracking device back in its box and picked her up. "I thought you and Mommy were reading."

Elly rubbed at her eyes, sniffling. "She wouldn't let me pick any of the fairy tales. Then she threw the book down on the floor and stomped out of the room."

Reno had to bite his lip to hide his concern.

"Where is she now?"

"She's upstairs scrubbing the bottom of the tub. She said it's going to sparkle like a diamond. What's a diamond, Daddy?"

"It's that shiny rock that Mommy wears on her finger. The one you like to play with." Reno kept his worry from showing in his tone.

"She wasn't wearing it today."

"No. She doesn't wear it while she's cleaning. Let's go see what she's up to."

They found Tifa furiously polishing the silver faucets. She frantically grabbed for the scrub brush when Reno took it away from her.

"Reno! I have to finish this!"

"Trust me, it's finished Tifa. It wasn't that clean when it was new. It's time to stop for the day and unwind a little bit. I'm going to put Elly to bed, and when I get back, I expect you to be doing something besides cleaning."

Not waiting for a response, he did exactly as he said he was going to do and brought Elly to her room. He spent a few minutes settling her in for the night, and found it was the most relaxed he'd been since he came home that afternoon. He planned on talking to Tifa in the morning, after a good night's sleep, and finding out just what was going on.

After making up for the fairy tales Tifa had failed to read Elly, and making sure everything was ready for school the next day, Reno quietly backed out of the room.

"I've been looking for you all over the place."

He spun around to face Tifa, startled in his own house, and was even further surprised by the sight of his wife. Where had that negligee come from? He didn't remember that one at all, a combination of sheer crimson red silk and tantalizing lace trim in black, complete with garters, stockings and patent leather stilettos.

She was walking towards him and by the time he caught his breath enough to speak, she had wrapped herself around him, stealing that breath back in a kiss.

What to do?

He carried her into the bedroom, barely able to hold on to her as she squirmed against him. Tifa tore at his shirt with a fervor that was both erotic and frightening, and Reno had to force himself to relax and go with the moment. Who would have thought that would ever happen? He no sooner placed her on the bed, and she rolled him, once again taking control and leaving him off balance, yet through the haze of desperation she was creating, Reno became aware of a strange, persistent sound that he couldn't quite place, and he finally had to hold Tifa's hands away from him and emphatically shush her in order to listen more carefully.

He finally identified the noise; the tap, tap of the shop door banging back and forth. Damn. He had forgotten to close and lock it. Rolling Tifa away from him, he stood up, taking his shirt off and throwing it on the bedside chair.

"Hold that thought," he murmured back to Tifa. "I forgot to lock that door."

"But Reee-no." She was crawling towards him across the bed and leaned down on her elbows when she reached the edge. "Just leave it. I can't wait any longer."

It was tempting, but he had to take care of this.

"Can't, Tifa. Elly could get in there with the door open. I'll be back in just a minute." It wouldn't even take that long if he could help it.

He practically flew down the stairs and locked up the shop. On his way back through, he rounded a corner and bumped hard into Tifa coming the other way.

"You really couldn't wait, could you?" He smiled, at last appreciating some of the strangeness of the evening.

And then Tifa drew back from him with a sharp, indignant gasp, and her hands went to the collar of her robe, which he noted was already closed up to her neck, to pull it even closer.

"Reno! What are you doing running around the house half dressed?" She was breathing hard and looked slightly bewildered.

"What do you mean?" He ran a hand down his bare body, and then reached for her. "Elly's asleep. The whole house is ours."

She retreated from his grasp, her fingers clenching at her robe even tighter.

"Oh no, you don't! I am not engaging in any…activities with you." And she looked like she meant it. Leave it to a woman to change her mind in a matter of seconds. "Did you check the thermostat?" She added.

"Um, no." He pointed in the general direction down the hall absent-mindedly. "I'll take care of that now."

"You do that. And get your mind out of the gutter!" With a huff, she was gone.

Reno muttered his way to the thermostat, turning it down a few degrees, and then muttered his way back to the bedroom, throwing open the door in annoyance.

"You took faaar too long, Lover," Tifa purred at him from the bed. "I was about to get bored."

Reno leaned back against the door, closed his eyes and counted to ten, fully expecting that when he opened his eyes Tifa would be pushing him away again. Or cleaning. Or arguing with him childishly like she had with Elly. Nope. There she was, still in that negligee, sprawled out on the bed, rolled up on her elbows, actually blowing a kiss at him and beckoning him with her fingertips. He approached the bed slowly, waiting for the hammer to fall.

"Are you sure about this, Tifa?"

She raised a curious eyebrow at him.

"Of course I'm sure. I've been thinking about you all…"

"Daaaadddy!"

Reno turned to Elly's little voice, calling him with that little quiver she sometimes had when she was afraid of the dark. Tifa dropped back on the bed, clearly frustrated, and Reno sighed. One more time. One more distraction. He wondered what kind of mood Tifa would be in when he got back. With his luck, she'd be vacuuming the mattress.

When he arrived at Elly's room, she was sitting up in bed, snuffling a little, but not in the way she did when she had a bad dream.

"What you need, Baby?"

"I'm thirsty, Daddy."

He took the glass from her bedside table and went to refill it in the bathroom, where he found Tifa standing over the sink with a thoughtful pout on her face.

"What's the matter, Tifa?"

"I have to brush my teeth."

Okay. "And?"

She turned that pout on him full force.

"I hate brushing my teeth, Reno. Hate it, hate it, hate it. Why do they have to make toothpaste in such icky flavors?"

His brow scrunching together in confusion, he never had a chance to answer her.

"You want to play a game? I want to play a game."

"Well, we were getting to that, weren't we?" He fingered the edge of her robe, wondering if she would still protest a kiss. No, protesting wasn't the right word for the expression he saw rise on her face.

"Eeeewww! Not that kind of game, Reno! Monopoly. I want to play Monopoly." She bounced past him. "And I want to be the chocobo."

Reno stared after her, dazed, and then remembered why he was there. Water. He filled the glass and brought it back to Elly, sitting with her after she had her drink until she finally drifted off to sleep again. On his way back to his room, he braced himself for an all-night Monopoly marathon.

The room was dark when he entered, and he decided to leave the lights off. At this point, if Tifa had decided to go to sleep, he wasn't going to argue. Removing the rest of his clothes in the dark, he gently climbed onto the bed.

"I hope you're ready, Lover," Tifa whispered softly in the dark, and he felt one of those patent leather shoes run up his calf. "You're in for a long night."

Come morning, Reno could hardly open his eyes. He glanced around, finding himself alone, and sat up on the edge of the bed, only to find everything stiff and sore. Tifa had certainly kept her promise. Hearing voices making quite a bit of racket downstairs, he slipped on his robe and shuffled his way to investigate. Only to find, upon entering the kitchen and tripping over his own feet at the sight that met him, no fewer than five Tifa's staring back at him.

"What. The. Hell."

One Tifa stepped forward from the bunch.

"They're clones, Reno," she explained in a rush. I didn't have time to get everything done, and Aerith had this machine that she somehow got from Shinra, and I thought it might, well, she thought it might solve my problem."

Oh, Gaia, how that explained a few things from the day before. Reno looked at each of the clones, a shudder running down his spine.

"They can't stay, Tifa. I just can't…no, they have to go."

"I agree." That was surprising, but she sounded sincere. "I just realized it's going to be a full time job to keep them organized, and if that's the case, I might as well take care of things myself. I've already called Aerith, and she's going to take them and find them places to work where they'll be useful. She's on her way here now."

Aerith, true to her word, showed up within a few minutes, and promised, along with quite a few apologies, that she already had a couple of things in mind to make sure the Tifa clones would be happy. Tifa closed the door behind them and turned back to Reno, hoping he would be all right with one small request.

"Do you think, Reno, I could hire a house cleaning service to come in once a week? The clones didn't work, but I think that would take a lot off my mind."

He pulled her into his arms. "Of course you can, Sweetheart. Whatever you want, just no more clones."

"Thank you," she whispered against his shoulder, squeezing him tight. She couldn't fail to notice the way he winced.

"You okay, Reno? Did you hurt yourself at work yesterday?"

He grinned boyishly at her, a flush spreading over his cheeks. Last night had been something else, and Tifa didn't even realize it.

"It was all you, Sweetheart. You wore me out last night. You're lucky I can walk. I must be getting old."

Her eyebrows nearly met in the middle of her forehead.

"You must have been dreaming, Reno. Yuffie and I had a girl's night out last night. I slept at her house and just got home a little…while…a…..go…." Her eyes were widening as realization hit her.

"Oh GODDESS! You slept with one of them!"

Reno, having figured out what had happened a breath sooner, was already half way across the room, his aches and pains forgotten in the light of having to come up with a strategy for taking all the blame for Tifa's botched misadventure.