True Crack: A True Blood Parody
By: Adah Price and ElphabaTheDelirious32
Why? Because we thought the characters deserved a chance to run wild over their own fandom. Not that we don't love all things True Blood, because we do. In fact, as a going away to college gift, Adah is giving ETD a case of True Blood. Because her roommate won't think that's weird. At all.
Also, we own nothing, so don't sue us.
Sookie, Bill, Eric, and Pam were hanging around Fangtasia. Well, Eric and Pam were looking bored, Sookie had hijacked Eric's laptop and was surfing the Web, and Bill was staring at the door intensely, as if attempting to escape by sheer force of will.
Sookie: Hey, I found a site that has a bunch of stories about us…wait.
Bill: What?
Sookie: Well, when I said 'us,' I may have misspoken…why are all the stories about you, Eric?
Eric: Because… *dramatic pause* I am amazing.
Sookie: *wrinkles her nose* Eeeeeuw, this one's about me and Eric! BILL SAVE ME.
Bill: *grabbing a stake from some mysterious orifice* Okay! *roars* SOOKIE!
Pam: God, you don't have to scream, she's right there.
Eric: *being chased by Bill* WHY does this always happen?! Pam! Do something!
Pam: Um…no. And I'm pretty sure this always happens because you're-
Sookie: *yelling* AN A-HOLE!
Bill: *brief pause from his Eric hunt* Nice job, Sweetie.
Sookie: *adorably* Aw, thanks, Bill.
Pam: *rolling her eyes* Oh, my God, you're a fucking grown-up. You can fucking swear. It's allowed. This is fucking HBO, after all.
Jason: *runs in, naked* Ya sure got the 'fucking' part right!
Everyone: *stares awkwardly at Jason, shocked*
Sookie: It's okay, this happens all the time.
Bill: *still on the swearing thing* I like that Sookie doesn't swear. *adorable couple look* I think it's charming.
Sookie: Oh, really, Bill? You do?!
*they make out*
Pam: *mutters in their direction* You're from the fucking 1800s. You think petticoats are charming.
*they start having sex.*
Pam: *is annoyed*
Jason: *feels awkward* Uh, Sook? I gotta go…um…I guess I'll talk to you later, then? Okay, yeah. *runs away*
Pam: *rolls her eyes again* You won't say fuck, but you'll give us all a demonstration in the middle of the room? Great. Just great.
Bill: *takes a brief break from sucking- pun intended- face with Sookie* SHUT UP, PAM.
Eric: *runs back in and takes in the spectacle* Oh my, what have we here?
Bill: *glares*
Eric: *notices Bill and pouts* Damn, I thought maybe she was with you, Pam.
Pam: *makes face* Uh, no. Humans are gross.
Eric: But…that would be so hot.
Bill: *as Sookie continues to make out with him, oblivious* No, this is hot.
Eric: Noo, trust me, that would have been way hotter.
Pam: This is absurd. No one here is 'hot,' except the stupid human who doesn't swear.
Eric: *raises eyebrows suggestively*
Pam: Oh, not like that!
Eric: *seductively* I could change that…
Bill: *in Eric's general direction, roaring* SERIOUSLY! ERIC, FUCK OFF!
Sookie: *alarmed* Bill! Don't swear.
Eric: *mocking* Yeah, Bill, don't swear.
Bill: *growls*
Sookie: *makes appreciative noise*
Eric: Uh, that's not scary.
Bill: Well, neither are you. You slouch and your haircut looks stupid.
Eric: *is offended* Pam, you said my hair looked ravishing!
Pam: Uh huh, sure, whatever.
Eric: *is hurt* Pam, why aren't you listening to me?
Pam: *indicating Bill and Sookie* Well, they're kind of having sex in the middle of the floor. It's a LITTLE difficult to ignore. SORRY.
Jason: *runs back in* Did someone say sex- *notices who is having sex* Oh…that's awkward…uh, I'm gonna go find a girl…or a sheep…or a dirty magazine…
Pam: *looking at Jason in disgust* Okay, ew.
Eric: Hey, little human, run along…unless, of course, you'd like to…
Pam: Grow up.
Eric: Not really an option at this point. Sorry.
Jason: I don't get it.
Pam: *shoving Jason out the door* Go. Unless you wish to partake in something sexual I'm sure not even your mindcould have conjured up.
Jason: *looking confused* You lost me at the word that starts with 'p'…
Pam: *is dumbfounded* Wow. You're stupid, even for a human.
Sookie: *briefly pulls away from Bill* HEY!
Pam: I thought you were busy making out with Civil War Boy!
Sookie: So? That gives you the right to call me dumb, just 'cause I'm not listening?
Bill: *adoringly* I don't think you're dumb, Sookie.
Eric: *jealously* I think you're even less dumb than he does!
Everyone: *is confused* What now?
Eric: *shifty eyes* Uh…nothing?
Everyone: No, really, what?
Sookie: That didn't even make SENSE.
Eric: *in despair* This is my twelfth language! LEAVE ME ALONE!
Bill: That's okay, English is my first and I still can't seem to say the proper thing.
Sookie: *adoringly looking into his pretty blue eyes* Oh, Bill, I think you say the right things. I love you.
Bill: *hugging her* I love you too. More than you'll ever guess. More than-
Eric: Hey, Bill. I can sense what Sookie is feeling. *fake psychic voice* She…is…feeling…HORNY!
Bill: OKAY, THAT'S IT! *punches Eric in the jaw*
Eric: *sarcastic* Wow, that really hurt. NOT.
Pam: *rolls her eyes, again* Wow, for being 1800 years old, you're really mature. NOT.
Jason: *runs back in again* Okay, I decided a vampire is better than a sheep. Even though I don't really like vampires. Or gay people. *thinks about it, which is obviously a strain* Although Lafayette's all right, I guess. And you are too, Bill…for someone who's doing my sister. *turns to Sookie* And, I'm sorry about this.
Sookie: *deeply offended on multiple counts* JASON!
Bill: I'm not sure what that first part means…
Eric: *grinning wickedly* I know what that means.
Sookie: *scooting closer to Bill* I don't want to know what it means! And, Jason, I'm not mad that you want to have sex with Eric. I mean, deep down, who doesn't? I'm mad because you're…you're a homophobic vampire hater, and I don't like that you're prejudiced. You know Gran didn't raise us that way!
Bill: WAIT. Did you just say you want to have sex with Eric?
Eric: WAIT. Did she just say she wants to have sex with me? *turns aside and pumps fist* YES!
Sookie: No! NO! I mean- I love Bill. Bill and only Bill.
Eric: *doing a maniacal dance* YES! It's worked! My blood has taken over her loins! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. She's MINE, I tell you! MINE!
Bill: NO! SOOKIE IS MINE!
Sookie: *throws up arms in despair* It's true! I just wanna do Eric, I don't like him or anything. And besides, it's not really my fault.
Eric: *still laughing maniacally* No, it's my fault! HA!
Bill: *punches Eric again*
Eric: *sarcastic* Oh, so much pain. I can't even bear it.
Sookie: *distraught* Oh, Eric, are you all right?! *goes to comfort him*
Eric: *looks up curiously* Oh- NO, I cannot endure! It's terrible, TERRIBLE! Kiss it, Sookie!
Sookie: The compulsion to comfort even people I hate is too much for me…I must- Oh, you poor baby!
Bill: *is disgusted*
Pam: *would have a migraine, if vampires got migraines*
Jason: *is confused*
Bill: *announces what everyone except Sookie and Jason know* SOOKIE. Eric is FINE. He just wants you to kiss him.
Sookie: *looks innocently at Bill* Are you sure? He sounds real hurt.
Eric: *moans*
Pam: Apparently idiocy runs in this family.
Sookie and Jason: *are offended*
Eric: *laughs, accidentally revealing that he is not hurt.
Sookie: Goshdarnit! *runs over and slaps him across the face*
Eric: *shivers* Oooooh. So much pleasure with such pain. Eric liiiikes.
Sookie: *stomping her foot in frustration* UGH! I hate you so much, I just want to DO you!
Jason: All this sex talk is making me hot. *tries to kiss Pam*
Pam: *throws Jason across room and brushes off her shirt* Ew, human germs.
Eric: I'm in PAIN. Sookie, FIX IT. Or hurt me again, that's okay, too.
Bill: Oh, so you like pain, do you? Allow me to oblige.
Eric: NOT FROM YOU!
Sookie: *trying to defuse the situation* Bill, stop beatin' up Eric. Eric, stop…making me want to do you.
Bill: *is hurt* What about me?
Sookie: *comforting him* Oh, you I can do. Now. Right now.
*Cello music plays*
Eric: NOOO! I WAS SO CLOSE! Damn it!
Pam: Oh, cry me a river, blondie.
Eric: *notices Sookie trying to remove her shirt and brightens* Hey, Sookie. Can I take that for you?
Bill: *growls at Eric*
Sookie: *shivers* Oooh, Bill, it's so sexy when you do that!
Bill: *continues to glare at Eric*
Eric: *shrugs innocently* Just trying to be helpful.
Bill: Sookie, please allow me to kill him.
Sookie: No, don't be silly, Bill, you can't kill him. But…say my name again, just like that. That's even sexier.
Bill: *in his really thick-voiced, hot, Southern accent* Sookie.
Sookie: *shivers* Oooh! *hands Eric her shirt* Thanks plenty, Eric.
Eric: Absolutely not a problem.
Bill and Sookie: *are having sex. Again*
Mary Ann: *walking in* Oooh! Sex!
Pam: *slightly stunned by Mary Ann's attractiveness* Oooh. Who are you?
Eric: You are very attractive, I must say, even though blondes are really more my thing.
Bill: *growls*
Sookie: Oh, just ignore him.
Bill: Gladly. *they go at each other some more*
Pam: *giving up* Really? REALLY?
Bill: *taking a break from kissing Sookie in a place that can't be mentioned in mixed company* Yes. Really.
Sookie: *miffed* Okay, first of all? I hadn't had sex my whole life till now. THAT'S TWENTY-FIVE YEARS. I'll have sex wherever and whenever I want, thank you very much!
Bill: *dreamily* Just like an old-fashioned girl…
Eric: Yeah, okay, that's not weird.
Pam: No, actually, it's not. It's fucking creepy is what it is.
Mary Ann: *annoyed that Sookie and Bill have stopped having sex for the moment* INHIBITION IS EVIL!
Jason: *wakes up from where he has slumped against the wall* Oooh. I don't know what that means, but I think I like you. What's your name, pretty lady?
Mary Ann: Kali, goddess of death.
Jason: Cool. *kisses her*
Eric: Kinky. Eric liiikes.
Everyone except Eric and Pam: NO, JASON, DON'T!
Mary Ann: *brief pause from making out with Jason* See? Now doesn't this look fun?
Jason: *flushed* I dunno about looks, but it sure feels fun!
Sam: *comes running in, carrying a really large gun in one hand and a cell phone in the other, which he points at Mary Ann* SEE! CRAZY MAENAD! I WAS RIGHT! I'M SO NOT PARANOID!
Audience: Chill. Sam. No one said you were nuts. We all believed you. Remember? We saw everything.
Bill: Also, I think you want to point with your other hand…
Sam: *realizing he is pointing a Razr at Mary Ann instead of a rifle* Oh. Ooops. *switches pointing hands*
Andy Bellefleur: *runs in, now with both arms and his neck in casts and stains in multiple colors all over him* What about me? Don't you want to tell them I'm not crazy?!
Audience: *cricket sounds. Someone whistles*
Sam: *notices Sookie and drops his gun* Whoa.
Bill: *stands and looks menacing, even without a shirt.*
Audience: *collective swoon*
Bill: *in deep scary vampire voice* Back off before I kill you, bitch.
Lafayette: *runs in, pissed that someone has stolen his perpetual word of the day* Hey, that's my line, bitch!
Eric: *crooks a finger at Lafayette* Hey, you.
Lafayette: *screams like a cheerleader in a horror movie and runs away.*
Andy: *is confused*
Eric: *pouts* I JUST wanted to ask where he got those red velour pants! GOD.
Bill: *notices Andy* WAIT, I have to help you- damnit, now I know how Sookie feels!- you're my great great grandson, or something.
Andy: *is very confused, then shrugs* Well, I guess that ain't any weirder than a bull in a dress.
Mary Ann: I'm a MINOTAUR, damnit! *goes back to doing Jason*
Audience: 1. Ew. 2. Jason's ass, AGAIN? 3. Angry vampire say what?
Bill: *sighs deeply, causing a few swoons* Okay, everybody who didn't read the books, story time.
Sookie: *is naked* Ooh, yay! *climbs into Bill's lap*
Bill: *gives her a weird look*
Sookie: Oooh, that's not a sex euphemism? Sorry, I'll go get a shirt.
Eric: Allow me. *puts her shirt back on her*
Bill: *growls*
Audience: *taps feet impatiently*
Bill: Fine then. *clears throat* So. A long time ago, I was married.
Sookie: Ooh! Ooh! I know this part! By the way, Eric, thank you for the shirt.
Eric: *winks suggestively* You are very, very welcome.
Bill: *trying to shut Eric up* LISTEN TO THE STORY, DAMNIT! Okay. So I had a wife. And children. No one knows how many because they keep changing the numbers on me.
Eric: Sookie, let me fix your shirt. *feels her up, catches Bill glaring at him* I'm the sheriff, I don't have to listen, na na na na na!
Bill: BE SILENT AND STEP AWAY FROM MY SOOKIE OR I WILL END YOU.
Pam: *rolls eyes yet again* I am surrounded by idiots.
Sam: I know the feeling.
Bill: Ahem. As I was saying, I had a wife-
Jason: *having a sin spasm in a majorly delayed reaction* WAIT. You're MARRIED?!
Bill: Yeah, two hundred years ago, you IDIOT!
Steve Newlin: *pops up from nowhere like a gremlin from hell* ABOMINATION!
Eric: Oh, shit, you. Hey…Godric can't tell me not to kill you! *kills Newlin*
Everyone except Sookie: *cheers*
Sookie: *pouts* Poor man was just sad about his family…you didn't have to kill him, Eric.
Eric: *sensing an opportunity* I know…*sniffles* I guess…without Godric, I just…*starts bawling*
Sookie: Oh you poor thing!
Bill: Oh my God. Really, Sookie, I love you, but the whole sweetness thing can be a bit much sometimes.
Sookie: *is looking sympathetically at Eric*
Bill: Like now.
Sookie: Oh, poor Bill, are you feeling left out? *kisses him*
Eric: Damn it.
Bill: Well…I guess this is okay…
Eric: I don't know how I feel about this.
Sookie: I thought you didn't have feelings.
Eric: Oh, I definitely have feelings. Like right now, I have this feeling in my-
Bill: *in his hot vampire warning voice* ERIC.
Sookie: That was almost as sexy as when you say my name.
Bill: Oh, Sookie.
Audience: STORY. NOW.
Bill: Okay, okay. So my daughter had a daughter, and she had a daughter…
Jason: *is confused*
Bill: …and then she got married and had a daughter, who had a son and daughter…
Jason: What the fuck!?
Bill: …whose name was Andy Bellefleur.
Sookie: Wait, her daughter's name was Andy Bellefleur?
Jason: *thinking he understands* Andy's a girl?
Bill: *extremely irritated* NO, the SON'S name was Andy.
Sarah Newlin: *pops up from nowhere in a very low cut suit jacket* ABOMINATION- oh, hi, Jason! *gives a cute little wave*
Pam: Oh, Lord, really?
Sarah: *squeaking* DO NOT TAKE THE LORD'S NAME IN VAIN, YOU- YOU VAMPIRE! Oh, and nice shirt, Jason.
Jason: *waves back* Thanks!
Sookie: *aghast* I thought you hated her!
Jason: *thinks hard for a moment before he remembers* Oh, yeah! Die, bitch! *he picks up Sam's gun and shoots Sarah*.
Pam: *slightly impressed* Huh.
Sookie: *is distraught* Jason!
Jason: I thought you wanted me to hate her!
Sookie: Oh, Bill! More killing!
Bill: It'll be okay, Sookie. I love you more than anything…*they start going at it.*
Everyone except Eric: Oh no, not again.
Eric: *watching intently* Oh, yes, please again.
Bill: *backs away from Sookie, glaring fangs at Eric*
Sookie: *contemplates the situation for a long moment* WAIT.
Everyone: *stops*
Bill: Yes, my love?
Sookie: If I've had Eric's blood, can't I sense his whereabouts and emotions?
Everyone: *stares at Sookie*
Sookie: WHAT?! That's how it works in Dracula!
Everyone: *still staring at Sookie*
Sookie: What? Just because I'm a waitress I can't read?
Bill: Sorry, honey. To quote Anne Rice, "Those were just the mad ravings of a demented Irishman."
Sookie: So her stuff is real?
Bill: Don't be silly. Hers are just the mad ravings of a demented American. But sssh, we're not allowed to talk about her on this site.
Sookie: *notices that the audience is still staring at her* WHAT?
Audience: You have two really hot men who want you right here in this room and you're thinking about how vampirism works in a 19th century novel?!
Sookie: *is perplexed* Actually, Bill and Eric are really cold…
Audience: *exasperated* NO. We mean-
Bill: Oh, nevermind. *kisses Sookie*
Sookie: *finally getting it* Ohhhhhhh. *makes out with Bill*
Jason: *still lost* I don't get it…
Pam: *drags Jason and Eric out of the room by their ears*
Eric: Hey! I wanna watch!
Pam: No.
Eric: As your Maker I command you.
Godric's Ghost: *appears* WHAT have we talked about, Eric?
Eric: *sheepish* No pulling the Maker card unless it's absolutely necessary.
Godric: AND?
Eric: I know, I know. Don't be such a pervert.
Godric: I was actually going to ask how you were doing. But yours works too.
Eric: Darn.
Godric: Okay, if you learned your lesson, I'll just go…
Eric: NO DON'T LEAVE ME- *has an internal debate about whether or not Godric leaving again will get Sookie to kiss him*
Godric: No, Eric. Don't make me come down here again. *disappears in a mist of gold*
Pam: Oooh, shiny.
Jason: I'm confused.
Pam: I know.
Sam: Okay…this is getting weird. C'mon Andy, I'll give you a beer on the house.
Andy: Why?
Sam: *gesturing at Bill and Sookie* Awkward?
Andy: Oooooh. *they leave*
Mary Ann: *watching Sam go* Damnit. I really really want to either do him or eat him. *she considers* Oooh, I pick both. *she leaves, scheming as to how to accomplish this*
Bill and Sookie are left alone, kissing passionately and ripping off their clothes.
Cello music plays dramatically.
Bill: *looks around suspiciously*
Sookie: What?
Bill: That music…don't you hear it?
Sookie: No honey, I don't hear anything…it's probably just a radio somewhere.
Bill: *still suspicious* Yeah, I guess…
Sookie: Wanna go find a bed?
Bill: Or a grave…
Sookie: Ooh, that grave sex was good…
*they leave*
The music stops suddenly.
Audience: *is confused*
Nathan Barr walks into the room and bows.
Audience: *cheers*
The End