Title:

Spock/Uhura Livejournal Prompt 036 – "Love is by definition illogical."

Disclaimer: Star Trek and associated characters created by Gene Roddenberry, copyright owned by Paramount and what/whoever else has something to do with it. I own nothing at all. …which makes me all kinds of sad, 'cause I really wanna borrow Spock for a while.
Rating: PG
Genre: Romance/Angst
Characters/Pairing(s): Spock/Uhura
Word Count: ~3,000
Summary: "You asked me once why I chose to pursue an intimate relationship with you. I am aware that my response had been less than satisfactory." Part 2 of 2.

……………………..

Feeling Right – Part II – "Love is illogical by definition."

"…Put aside logic. Do what feels right."

The words of his elder self rang in Spock's mind and refused to leave him. Logic had been the cornerstone of his entire existence as long as he could remember and the request to do what feels right was unusual to say the least. Especially when the advice came from himself. As long as he could remember he had strived to put emotion aside and bring logic to the forefront. It had been more difficult for him than for other Vulcans, courtesy of his human genes, yet he had succeeded in doing so. Now, he was attempting to put emotion to the forefront, to follow his wishes and desires: stay in Starfleet and stay with Nyota.

After the brief discussion with his future self, Spock had stood rooted in the same spot for several minutes, letting his brain process the conversation that had just occurred. He contemplated the words his elder self had spoken with such passion; the insistence that he allow the seeds of friendship to sow with James T. Kirk. Spock had to admit that, despite their misunderstandings and differing views on just about everything, there was something of a kinship between them. He could sense that their relationship could very well blossom into a meaningful, trusting friendship. But his thoughts drifted quickly from the brash captain to Nyota.

Elder Spock had spoken solely of young Kirk, but the lack of Nyota in their conversation puzzled Spock. Had their relationship been different in the other timeline, if they had even known each other? His elder self spoke of how his friendship with Kirk would define them both, but Spock did not wish to be defined solely by one relationship in his life as there were many different types of relationships. His relationship with Nyota was something he held dearly and he did not wish to think that it would mean nothing. He wished to be defined by Nyota as well.

Rash decisions were not a frequent part of his thought-process, as they were seen as being motivated by emotion, but it had been known to happen. His hasty decision to decline the invitation to the Vulcan Science Academy and join Starfleet had been based mostly on the anger and resentment he felt towards the prejudice the Council had of his human mother. The choice he made to enter a romantic relationship with Nyota had been equally impulsive, driven by desire and lust that had grown into something deeper. It was the most emotional decision he had ever made.

He had since made another.

Spock felt the eyes of his father on his back as he turned and began to walk towards the exit of the hanger. Nearby Vulcans occasionally stopped their actions and watched in quiet indignation as the son of the Ambassador left his people behind to remain in Starfleet. But the Ambassador's gaze did not hold the same disapproval as the other Vulcans. There was a tiny hint of sadness but also a flicker of pride in Sarek's eyes as his son continued on his path, heedless of the others, head held high and expression revealing nothing, confidence exuding from his body.

Aware that Kirk's promotional ceremony was minutes away from beginning, Spock made his way towards the hall where it was to take place. Despite that he did feel a sense of pride towards Kirk and his promotion to Captain, Spock was not heading to the ceremony with him in mind. There was the possibility that Nyota would be present. He quickened his steps fractionally as he neared the entrance of the hall. He entered the large open room as other Starfleet officers and cadets were entering and taking their seats. His eyes scanned over the large crowd, attempting to get a glimpse of the familiar xenolinguist.

After not spotting Nyota amongst the Enterprise crew, Spock left the room as stealthily as he had entered. As far as the rest of the crew and Kirk knew, he was on route to the Vulcan colony. He did not feel as though this was the time to inform them otherwise. Besides, he had other pressing matters on his mind, which his had deemed as more important, even if they dealt with matters of the heart.

Spock walked to the nearest computer console and inquired to the whereabouts of Lt. Uhura, not wanting to wander the campus trying to find her. After receiving the response, which came to him as a surprise, Spock swiftly turned and marched towards the officer dormitories.

"Nyota?" Spock called out when he entered his quarters. He was unsure as to why Nyota had decided to remain in his quarters when she had a perfectly functional dormitory of her own. He stepped inside fully, allowing the door to close behind him.

"Qual se tu, Spohkh?" Nyota's voice answered as she quickly entered the den from the bedroom.

"Ha, k'diwa," Spock replied, his voice not revealing his confusion of her presence in his quarters. "You were not present at Cadet Kirk's promotional ceremony."

"Yeah," Nyota replied, awkwardly. "I just wanted to be alone."

Spock nodded, his gaze sweeping across the room, temporarily avoiding her gaze. Nyota caught his perusal, and, believing it to be dissatisfaction of her presence in his quarters, blurted out, "I'm sorry."

Spock's eyes shot over to her, confusion marring his features. "I beg pardon?"

"My room felt so…empty, and all of Gaila's stuff was still there. I couldn't stand it. I…I didn't know where else to go," she explained, referring to her Orion roommate that had perished in the battle against Nero.

Spock nodded briefly. He knew of her close friendship with her roommate. Her death and the constant reminders of her were expected to be painful. "It is of no concern," he reassured her. "You are aware that I have no qualms concerning your presence here. You are more than welcome to enter anytime you please."

Nyota have him a small smile, meeting his eyes briefly. "I know. I just wasn't sure with everything going on…." She trailed off. "Why are you here? I thought you were leaving," she asked suddenly, unable to wait for an explanation.

Spock began to pace, hands clasped behind his back, as he visibly gathered his thoughts. A few seconds later, he began to speak. "I received some advice today from an unlikely source; do what feels right. Though the advice was given to me as it pertained to my commission with Starfleet and my friendship with James Kirk, I cannot but help but think that it would also serve me well in other matters, particularly those concerning you, Nyota." He had stopped pacing and turned towards Nyota, wanting to gauge her reaction to his next words. "I intend to stay here, in Starfleet. With you."

Nyota felt her jaw drop at his announcement. She had not expected this. Sure, she had wished for it, dreamed about it, but she never allowed herself to think that it would actually come true. But instead of elation, she felt a wave of guilt. "Spock, please, don't change your mind because of me."

Spock furrowed his eyebrows, puzzled by her response. He had not anticipated such a reaction and was now, as humans would say, thrown for a loop. "In our last encounter you expressed desire for me to remain here with you. Are you now saying that you have rescinded those comments?"

"No!" Nyota exclaimed forcibly, assuaging his tiny fears that she had indeed withdrawn her comments. "God, no. It's just," she fumbled with her words. She took a deep breath to regain control before finishing. "I don't want you to do something you're going to regret."

"Nyota, I have told you before that I do not have regrets."

"Yes, but you happen to have huge sense of responsibility, and I'm willing to bet, that it's just tearing you up inside not to act on those obligations." She had stepped closer to him, hands on her hips as though she were challenging him.

"Given the nature of our relationship, do I not also have certain obligations towards you?" Spock countered, staring down at her with a raised eyebrow.

The two of them stared one another for a second, before Nyota's defiant demeanor visibly faltered and her gaze dropped. "It's not the same thing, Spock," she said, quietly. She reached up and ran a hand across his chest, smoothing out a small wrinkle that had formed on his uniform. "These are your people, your family. Don't do this because I'm upset about you leaving," she stressed, meeting his eye. "You'll only end up resenting me in the future. You need to do what you need to do. I get that. I really, really do." She released her hold on his uniform jacket and gave him a brief ironic smile. "I'm a big girl. I would have been fine. Maybe not tomorrow, or maybe not the next month, but eventually, I would have been able to recover emotionally, and move on."

Spock nodded, removing his gaze from hers. "Of that, I have no doubt, Nyota. However, I am uncertain of my ability to do the same."

She furrowed her brows in confusion. "What do you mean?"

Spock took a step back from her, returning to his customary stance. He began to pace around the room once more and Nyota couldn't help but feel as though she was back in one of his classes, watching him give a lecture. "Humans are a resilient species when it comes to interpersonal relationships and their inevitable dissolution. Vulcans, on the other hand, are not so easily adaptable to such changes," he finished, his eyes finding hers once again.

"Spock…" Nyota dragged his name out.

Spock saw the hesitation on her face, as though she was unsure of where the conversation was going. Perhaps his words were too vague for her, Spock thought. He decided to try a different tactic, a more direct approach. "You asked me once why I chose to pursue an intimate relationship with you," he said, recalling the conversation from earlier in their relationship when she had spontaneously posed him the question. "I am aware that my response had been less than satisfactory for you just as I am aware that I am not the most affectionate lover." Spock saw that Nyota opened her mouth to protest and interrupt him, but he spoke first, preventing her from doing so. "Nyota, please, allow me to finish."

Her jaw snapped closed and she nodded. He gave her a nod of appreciation before continuing, beginning to pace once more. "I have always struggled with my emotions and my choice to devote my life to logic. I fear that, at times, such a decision may have given you the false impression that I am not as emotionally invested in this relationship as you. I sometimes wish that I were capable of expressing my affections in a more apparent manner."

This time, Spock was unable to prevent Nyota from interrupting him as she sprung forward, grabbing hold of his arm, turning him to face her. "I don't want you to change, Spock," she said, forcibly, leaving no possible way he could think otherwise. "I knew what I was getting into when I decided to get involved with you. To change you, would deny the very reason I fell in love with you in the first place. You need your logic." She took a small step closer and ran her hands over his shoulders, needing to feel him at that moment. "I understand that you're not blowing me off if you seem aloof. I know that you're not the cold, emotionless Vulcan that others believe." She gave him a smile, brushing a hand across his cheek. "Trust me, I know. But, please don't just change your mind because of me," she reiterated.

Spock was beginning to grow slightly frustrated at her insistence that he go to the new colony, but he did not allow it to show on his face. It seemed as though nothing he could say would make her see his reasons and know that this was not a flippant decision. He reached up and grasped her hands with his, pulling them from his face before speaking softly. "This is not a decision that I took lightly, Nyota. I contemplated the situation fully."

Nyota cocked her head slightly, a curious look on her face. "And how long did that take?"

"Four-point-two seconds," he replied with no hesitation.

"And that was enough time to fully contemplate this decision?" She asked with disbelief evident on her face.

"Precisely."

"Spock…" Nyota breathed his name, running a hand over her brow.

Spock continued, wanting to prevent her from interrupting him once more. "There are other ways in which I can provide aid to my people that does not involve taking a mate. My dual heritage has made it difficult for some Vulcans to accept me and it may deter female Vulcans from choosing to mate with me."

Nyota wrinkled her nose in displeasure of his choice of words. "You make it sound like I'm your second choice."

"On the contrary, Nyota," he replied emphatically. "You are and always have been my first choice. Despite the fact that we have not bonded nor have we undergone a mind-meld, I find myself more deeply connected to you than anyone else. Even T'Pring did not have the same hold on me as you do."

Spock pulled his gaze from hers, as he began to feel slightly at a loss for words. He wanted to convey to her the magnitude of his emotions toward her but having never had such a conversation, he was unsure of how to proceed. Humans emphasized the emotional aspect of relationships frequently, often using words to tell each other how they feel about one another or various situations. Spock found the practice to conflict with his Vulcan upbringing, but he was half-human, and his human half wanted to tell Nyota his inner feelings and how much she meant to him. It was just a matter of finding the right words.

Nyota continued to watch him as he began to pace once more, a habit she often found him doing when he was attempting to gather his thoughts. She wanted to interrupt, to try and keep him from a conversation in which he was obviously feeling uncomfortable, to tell him that it was okay, he didn't need to say anything, but she sensed that this was immensely important to him so she kept silent.

After a few seconds of internally formulating the speech and feelings he wished to convey, Spock took a deep breath and began to speak once more. "When I was a child, I too had asked my father why he had pursued relations with my mother. His response had been similar to the response which I gave you. Something akin to 'when in Rome,' if I may. He told me that it was the logical thing to do. I believe that his words at the time influenced me greatly. Logic took precedence over everything else and I came to believe that all emotions, including love, were illogical by definition and I wished to suppress them as much as possible. I now realize the error of those beliefs."

Spock stopped pacing and turned towards Nyota, catching her gaze as she watched him. Her eyes were bright with tears she struggled to keep at bay. As he continued his speech, he slowly took carefully measured steps towards her, feeling his confidence returning. "Surak's teachings call for the repression and controlling of emotions, but not necessarily complete eradication. Recent events and candid conversations with my father have helped me come to terms with my emotions, to understand them and to appreciate them, because logic does not always preclude emotion as I had once believed. Sometimes, it is logical to base decisions on emotion, as my father did when he chose to marry my mother."

Spock came to a stop in front of her, their height difference forcing her to lift her head to keep their gaze. He took a small imperceptible breath before speaking with more conviction, more passion, than she had ever heard him use in all the years she had known him. "I chose to be here, to be with you, Nyota, because I love you."

His declaration caused such a rush of emotion through Nyota that she could no longer keep the tears at bay. Spock looked on, a slightly startled look worming its way onto his face. The tears were not something he entirely expected as they seem to indicate that she was not pleased with him or his words. "Have I said something wrong?"

A small laugh escaped from Nyota's lips as she lifted to her toes and kissed him briefly on the cheek. "No, Spock," she reassured him, giving him a brilliant smile. "Everything you said was perfect."

She reached up and ran her hands across his face, caressing his ears. "I knew," she whispered, placing a kiss on his lips. "I knew how you felt."

Spock's brow furrowed, trying to recall an event in which he had told her his feelings but could not. "How could you have known? When I had not expressed such feelings before?"

Nyota smiled at his question. It was times like this that reminded her of how literal he could be, how he could remain unaware of what his body language was conveying. As a communications officer, she was trained to notice small indications that a person's body language could convey as they helped articulate the full meaning of their words or the situation.

Spock continued to wait for an answer to his query as she pulled his head down to meet his lips in a kiss. She pulled back from his lips briefly so she could answer him. "It's in your eyes."

His human eyes.

"Qual se tu, Spohkh?" - "Is it you, Spock?"

"Ha, k'diwa," - "Yes, beloved."

I want to thank those that reviewed and put this story on alert. :)