Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters. Just wish I personally knew a few ;)
Chapter One
Let the Spewing Begin
My life sucks. No wait, I take that back. My life blows, big chunks. Literally. Bob had just finished off his last morsel, which happened to be the only decent man in my life, my pet hamster Rex, and decided that he needed toupchuck what remained of Rex on my shoes. The only solice I could see in this situation was that I had just gotten off work and I wasn't wearing any of my Fuck Me Heels. That bubble of happiness lasted about 2.3 nanoseconds before Joe came barelling into the kitchen to find Bob on the floor wheezing.
"Jesus Stephanie, what the hell did you do to my dog?" What? What the hell did he just say?Ohhh, the nerve.
"What did I do to YOUR dog? He ATE REX the -" I was quickly cut off by a faster moving Italian temper.
"How did he eat Rex? Did you let him out of the cage? Was he rolling around in that dumbass exercise ball? You know there's a dog in the house!" Dumbass exercise ball? I spent twelve whole dollars on that thing for my main man's happiness, and look where it got him.
" Well excuse me for trying to exercise my pet!" I was pissed. I was seeing red. Rex was gone, and Joe, who was supposed to be my rock of support was yelling at me like I was 4. "Maybe you should train your dog to have respect for other animals!! Maybe if you didn't let him do whatever he wanted there --" I was cut off again my Bob moaning and whimpering. Joe got down on the floor next to him.
"He doesn't look good. I'm taking him to the vets to make sure he's okay. I don't need my pet dying on me too because of your stupidity." He leaned over and to Bob up. I screeched at him.
"MY STUPIDITY??? Well, it wasn't my bright idea to have him here anyways! You're the one who wanted me to sooo desperatly move in so you could have your happily ever after. Look where that got me? The only decent man in my life is now pureed on my shoes!"
"Your fucking hamster is the main man in your life? What the hell Stephanie? Why the fuck did you move in here then if you hate it here so much?" He stood up and walked over to me, fists clenched . I almost cowered in the corner. He stopped with his face only inches from mine. I wasn't sure what he was going to do, I never knew if his Morelli past and temper would get the best of him." If you're only here for a fuck, then you can get the hell out before you do anymore damage to my life. You got Ranger to go running to" He turned away.
"Damage to your life? Fuck you Morelli. Leave Ranger out of this and FUCK YOU. I have had to change EVERYTHING for you, who I can see, what I wear, who I talk to, where I should work -or should I say lack there of?I HATE cooking, I HATE cleaning and I HATE babies! I'm sorry my feet are too GODDAMNED BIG TO STAND CLOSE TO THE SINK YOU SEXIST PIG! I And to think at one point I was in love with you. " That last comment caught him by surprise.
"Was eh? Well, I guess I know where I stand. I guess all of your men are only good for a few quick fucks." He picked up Bob and made his way to the front door. He turned to look at me, a hate resonating in his eyes. " I expect you to have everything out by the time I get back. And Bob had better be fine Stephanie."
"Or what Morelli? You're gunna smack me around like your father did? And to think I thought you were nothing like him. Boy was I wrong. Don't worry about my stuff, keep it. I getting the fuck out of here. At least if Bob dies there will be nothing left between us to share. " I picked up Rex's cage and stormed past him through a veil of tears. I didn't really want Bob to die, he was the closest thing to me ever having a child. Yet, I knew, he would always be this connection between Joe and I, and I didn't know if I could handle that anymore.
I guess it was time to start over.
Please Review and let me know what you would like to see happen next! Thanks for reading!
Chapter 2: Chapter 2
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters. Just wish I personally knew a few ;)
Chapter Two
What The Hell Just Happened?
I, Stephanie Plum, am a failure. Sure, being the Bombshell Bounty Hunter has its perks. I just couldn't think of any as I sat gloomily on my couch and replayed the nights events in my mind. The apartment seemed empty and devoid of life. There was no little wheel turning in the background. No scurrying about. No one to eat my leftovers. I felt empty, and for the first time in a while, I felt completely alone. I realize that he was only an eight dollar purchase on a whim years ago, all in total, I'd probably spent maybe $100 bucks on the little guy, which was like a trip to vet for Bob. But it didn't make him any less important in my life. Bob! Oh shit! I had completely forgot about him.
"Oh God" I groaned. "What did I do? What did I do?" Did Smart Stephanie go on vacation again? How come she keeps doing that? I put my head in my hands and I silently prayed to whomever was listening to please save Bob from making a trip to Doggy Heaven. As much as Joe and I were on the outs, it didn't mean that he was any less important to me. After I let that shock-wave of information hit me, I debated to call Joe. I wasn't sure if enough time had passed for it to be appropriate, or if it even was appropriate at all.
As if on cue my phone rang. I jumped up to answer it then quickly sat back down. There could only be three people phoning me at this time of night. Ranger, my mother or Joe. And I was still out to lunch on wether or not I wanted to talk to any of them. Luckily, and as usual, it took too long for me to think and the answering machine picked up.
"Stephanie, this is your mother. I know you're there. Pick up the phone! Stephanie! Nora Stanton saw you leave Joe's house. What's going on? Did you break up. My phone has been ringing off the hook! Why can't you have private arguments? Stacy Goldbaum said that her daughter is currently performing surgery on Bob! What happened to Bob? What did you do? Why can't you just settle down nicely like your sister? *sigh* I don't even know what to say. Phone me." Ugh, I thought. I am sooo glad I didn't pick up that one, I already feel like a loser and a failure. I didn't need it rubbed in my face anymore.
A few seconds later the phone rang again. I let the machine get it. " Hello, this message is for Stephanie Plum. This is Suzanne Goldbaum phoning from Dr. Mercer's Veterinary Hospital. I was told to phone and notify you that Bob had minor surgery to remove some bones caught in his throat, and had his stomach pumped. He is currently in recovery and will be here for at least three days. He is doing well and is expected to have a full recovery. I will keep you notified if anything changes. Have a nice evening." Well, that answered that question.
I pulled myself off the couch and slugged my way towards to the shower. When I had the temperature ready, I pulled myself into the shower and sat down, huddled in the corner and began to cry. What a night. I felt like I had just survived something out of the Twilight Zone. My shoulders heaved, and I had trouble catching my breath as my pain poured out. I went from being surrounded by three guys to have no one. One was dead, one in surgery and one didn't want to have anything to do with me. Was I really that selfish? By the time I had calmed myself down, Smart Stephanie returned and realized that Stupid Stephanie hadn't even bothered to take her clothes off before hopping in the shower. Great. There goes that pair of jeans. Looks like I am going to have to drag myself shopping tomorrow.
I began to pull my now skin tight jeans off, followed by my shirt. I threw them over the top of the shower curtain, only just realizing that I never heard the wet slap of my jeans hitting the floor....
"What the hell!" I said out load. I was in no mood for more drama. As far as I was concerned, the shit had already hit the fan.
My reply was a deep, throaty chuckle follow by the imminent and heart palpitating:
"Babe."
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Chapter 3: Chapter 3
"RANGER!" I screeched, nearly jumping out of my skin and cracking my skull open on the shower-head. Ugh, that was going to leave a mark. "What the hell do you think you are doing? Most people knock, or better yet, most people phone prior to barging into my house!" I was t-o'd, my head hurt. The stream of warm water and the knowledge that there was a hot Cuban man feet away from naked me wasn't helping. Did I remember to turn the fan on? It sure was steamy in here!
"Babe --"
"WHAT!!!" that garnered me another chuckle.
"I did phone. You didn't pick up." Oh right, I forgot. I was avoiding everyone's phone calls.
A hand snaked around the back of the shower curtain causing a rush of cold air to enter the shower. "Eeek!!!!" I screamed, and batted at the hand. "Get it away! I'm showering here! I'm not done yet! I just got in!." Secretly, I just wanted to be left alone. Ranger just laughed his evil chuckle again and turned the water off.
" You have five minutes"
"Five minutes for what?" My answer was the sound of the bathroom door shutting behind him as he left. Stupid boys. I hopped out, dried my hair, wrapped a towel around myself and cracked open the bathroom door. Ranger was standing in the living room talking on the phone. Phew, I was in the clear, well, I was until he turned around and half smiled at me.
"Babe, we can't have a serious conversation with you dressed like that." I felt myself begin to blush starting from my toes and quickly working its way up. I stuck my tongue out at him and turned and booked it for the bedroom. Thirty-seconds later he knocked at the door. I don't even know why he bothers. I know he's just going to walk in anyway.
Sure enough, that's exactly what he did, settling himself in the club chair in the corner of my room while I finished pulling a hoodie over my head. I then collapsed on the bed and stared up at the ceiling.
"Well, you came over to talk, so hop to it cowboy. I'm bushed, I've had a hell of a night and I want to go to bed." That garnered me an eyebrow raise.
"Do you want to elaborate on that?" He asked leaning forward, staring at me intently. I had to do a mental head shake to keep my mind from wandering. I had just broken up with Joe, lost my poor Rex and now here I am having wandering thoughts about another man while he sits in my bedroom! What the hell is wrong with me? Instead I just shook my head no and silently prayed that he didn't notice the empty cage in the kitchen. I must have used up all my freebie prayers earlier because, damn it, the next topic of conversation was...
"What happened to Rex?"
Chapter 4: Chapter 4
I broke down crying again and explained the poor downfall of Rex leading to the breakup of Joe and I. Ranger listened silently, waiting until I was finished before he spoke.
" Well, sounds like quite the night Babe." He was then silent again, as if he wasn't sure he should continue or not.
"No shit Sherlock. Now, as I am feeling very drained and my eyeballs feel like they are bugging out of their sockets, what are you doing here?" I gave him my evil 'Burg glare, which only garnered me a half smile.
"Distraction Babe. We need you." I defiantly picked up on the "we need you" and not the "I need you". Damn. Looks like I was destined to be alone. I think he noticed the change in the room because he came over to me on the bed and knelt beside me.
"You know I need you to Babe." He said and kissed me on the forehead. "But right now, you need your rest more then you need me. I left the file in the kitchen." And moments later I knew I was alone.
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The next morning I woke up with a major headache. I felt like I had on an all night binge. I shuffled my way to the kitchen to make a pot of coffee, by passing the empty cage and feeling myself become overwhelmed with sadness. I could hear his little wheel turning as if he was still among the living. Wait? WHAT? Rex's wheel was turning? I leaned down and peered inside the cage, and sure enough, running for dear life on the wheel was a little tiny, (did I mention tiny?) hamster. How the hell did that get there? I wasn't even sure if I was ready for a Rex replacement.
Right next to the cage was the file folder that Ranger had left, and a bag of donuts. Obviously Ranger was back again here this morning. He must really need me for the distraction. I sighed, sat down at the table and opened the file
Carlito Cortez was wanted for skipping his court date. His charges varied from public indecency all the way up to drug trafficking and possession. It was also noted on the file that Cortez was the son of the Floridian senator Rameriz Cortez, who was rumored to be tied to various drug cartels in Central and South America. Huh. That would explain Ranger's involvement. The picture showed a tall, skinny kid, twenty-one years old and a student at the University of Florida. In big letters at the bottom someone had written,
'To obtain the full price for the bounty, discretion and secrecy must be used. This must not be a publicized event. Keep quiet at all costs."
The last line sounded a bit scary, but for two hundred thousand dollars I was game, plus it meant a free trip out of town and I could really use the time away.
Ranger picked up on the first ring.
"Yo."
"Yo yourself. Thanks for the donuts, and where the hell did this hamster come from?"
I heard the smile in his voice, "Tank didn't want you to get lonely or too hung up on what happened."
"Tank did huh?" Sure, like Tank thought of that all by himself. But nonetheless it made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside that they felt they needed to ensure my happiness. "Thanks, I guess." I was still out to lunch on wether or not I was ready for another man in my life. I must have been thinking really hard because that damn ESP sent out my thoughts.
" It's a girl. And Ella will be happy to look after it while you're gone,and you can come back and see if you're ready." Wow, they really did think this thing out.
"Okay. Thanks Ranger. And...I'm in."
"Great. Lester will pick you up in ten, and fill you in on the way to the airport. I'll meet you there." and he hung up. Jeeze Ranger! I didn't even know what I was supposed to bring, or to wear, or how long we would be gone for! I dialed him again.
"Babe."
"I don't even know what to wear, or what to bring, or how long we will be going for. My parents are going to think I have been kidnapped again. "
" Lester has everything you need. Okay?"
"No, what am I going to be doing?" They always managed to leave me out of the big picture and I hated it.
" Participating in a beauty pagent."
"Wait, WHAT? What does this have to do with a twenty one year old college student?" I was now officially confused. I heard Ranger laugh. This couldn't be good.
"Carlito Cortez is a cross dresser, and is participating in the CDC Beauty Pagent this weekend."
"...uh...and....uh, this has to do with me how? I'm a girl if you hadn't have noticed." What a dumb thing to say Stephanie, of course he noticed.
"Oh, I do notice Babe." that tone of voice sent shivers down my spine and ruined my undies for the day. " I can't pay any of my guys enough to participate in the pagent. So I am sending you in instead."
Oh great. " Let me get this straight, you want me, a girl, to act like a boy who wants to be a girl?" What the hell was I saying?
" You got it. See you at the airport. Lester has just arrived." and he hung up on me again, while my jaw fell to the floor. Did I just hear him right? I get to be a cross dresser for the weekend?