Cast in order of appearance: Envy, Wrath, Sloth, Lust, Greed, Al, Ed

Envy runs in to Sloth and Wrath with a book in one hand and Ed's automail arm in the other. Looks down at the automail and drops it on the ground before addressing the two homunculi

Envy: Look! Look! Look what I found!

Wrath: Is that a book?

Sloth: I know a thing or two about books and that's a book.

Envy: It's not just any book guys!

Wrath: Is it a young adult romance novel about a vampire?

Sloth: … Wrath dear…

Ten seconds later:

Wrath huddled in a corner

Envy: Now that that awkward moment's over… I just happened to find this book in Fullmetal pipsqueak's locked room, in a locked trunk underneath his bed! It's his diary!

Wrath (still in corner): Should we read it?

Envy: I've got a better idea! Let's read it!

Sloth: I'm good with that.

Envy opens the book and begins flipping through pages

Envy: Alright this is the first entry… "Dear Diary…-"

Pick up in Ed's voice

Ed: -Today I ate some oatmeal for my breakfast… it was watery and flavorless. I thought of my mother…. I cried.

Wrath: … Oatmeal… Ma I'm hungry!

Envy: What else is new fatty?!

Wrath returns to the corner

Envy: Let's get to the good stuff!

Continues reading book

Ed: Today I put on my red cloak and went to the pet store because Al wanted to see the cats. While there I purchased a pair of fancy mice and Al asked me over and over why he couldn't have a cat. I grew tired of the nagging and ditched him in some godforsaken alleyway then went back to my hotel room. Once there I put the fancy mice in a cage, one devoured the other… then it died of loneliness…. I envied it as soon as Al returned.

Envy: This is great!

Lust enters with Greed

Lust and Greed: What's great?

Envy: We found Fullmetal pipsqueak's diary!

Greed: This should be… interesting.

Lust: Anything about me?

Envy: … No one in their right mind would put you in a thing like this.

Sloth: Actually I see both your names.

Sloth points to the next page

Wrath (now returning from corner): Oh, you're good at reading Ma.

Envy: Well I guess he's not in his right mind after all.

They begin reading

Ed: Today I ran into Envy and Greed, they showed me their middle fingers. When I attempted to transmute my automail they got their curvy friend and they proceeded to try and tear my automail off chanting "Homunculus Rule! Homunculus Rule!" then the curvy one left and sent the little limb stealer to take her place. They repeated the violent act until I lost consciousness, then they called Al to come pick me up and left…. Later that evening I called Winry about repairs, she told me to fall in a well and hung up. Tonight I prayed for the first time in ten years… I prayed for the end.

Envy gives Greed a high-five then looks at Wrath

Envy: I remember that! Gim'me five, Wrath!

Wrath: … You already took my money, Envy.

Envy: *sigh* Never mind…

Goes on reading

Ed: I lost a button on my State Alchemist uniform today. Mustang made a point of telling me in front of the entire group of higher-ups he's always hanging around with. Oh, cruel attention. Button oh button oh where have thou flown? Did thee tarry to long on clothing and thread? Did thee roll off my bosom and cease to exist? How is wish I could follow thee into the mist.

Wrath: What is a bosom, Envy?

Greed breaks down in hysterical laughter

All female characters turn to look at Envy

Lust and Sloth: Yeah tell him, Envy.

Greed laughs harder

Envy: Uh-… Oh, look another page….

Begins reading to change to subject

Ed: Today while in the bathtub-

All Homunculus: EW!

Ed: I fell asleep and had a nightmare. I dreamt I was trying to find Al in a thunder storm, every thunder clap resolved into… their voices "Homunculus Rule! Homunculus Rule!". Suddenly it became music; I was in the legendary city under central in the play house, there was a ball. I asked Rose to dance… she asked me to die. Would if I could Rose, would if I could….

Envy: This Rose chick sounds awesome!!!

Continues

Ed: When I awoke my skin was prune like from the tepid bathwater and I was late for golf with Al.

Wrath: I like prunes!

Al (now human) randomly pops up from nowhere

Al: Somebody say prunes?

Wrath: I said prunes (leans close to Sloth, now a whisper) How did he know?

Al: What are you guys up to now? Studying to make to Philosopher's Stone again?

Envy picks up Ed's arm and waves it around while saying: No, we're invading Fullmetal pipsqueak's privacy by reading his personal diary which we stole from his room.

Al: … But you don't have any prunes?

Envy: I'm afraid not.

Al: I haven't had anything to eat since I got my body back! I'm starving!

Envy: Well there aren't any prunes here.

Al: I'm very disappointed in all of you.

Al walks away

All homunculus hesitate for a moment, brutally confused

Greed: … Was that… the tin man?

Lust: … I-… I think it was.

Sloth: My boy's all grown up!

Wrath: Do you like him better than me, Mom?!

Wrath runs back to the corner

Envy begins flipping through the book to random pages

Envy: Okay here's another one.

Ed: Today, when at Izumi's, the limb stealer ate more candy than he could handle. He promptly threw up a rainbow of colored sweets all over the front sidewalk. All the neighborhood children, including Al, burst into applause and then left to see how much candy they could eat before they'd do the same. Izumi refused to come outside and left me clean her son's sick. When I was almost done Mustang showed up to brag about his promotion, then told me I smelled like milk and left without wishing me a happy birthday…. I thought of my father… I cried.

Envy: Ugh, this is getting boring! Let's write a new entry!

Wrath: That's a really good idea, Envy!

Lust: I have a pen-

Envy snatches the pen

Envy: Okay good

Begins writing

Envy: Hey, my name is Fullmetal pipsqueak, I'm real depressed because I have to fight Envy, who's awesome, and it makes me have depression because I'm not as cool as he is. All the homunculus keep beating me up because I'm lame and I can't even defeat one of them 'cause their leader Envy is the best. I'm upset because my brother's a piece of junk and everything in the world is my fault. I hate milk because it makes me tall and if I got tall I couldn't do short rants, which are my favorites. Well I'm gonna go cry myself to sleep thinking about my dead mother, but first I gotta go throw something at the tin can because he's always in my face about doing the right thing…. So, bye.

Wrath: That's really funny, Envy! Can I try?

Envy gives him the pen

Envy: Be my guest.

Wrath: Okay…. I…. am…. E…. D….W-

Sloth: Well it was a good try Wrath.

Ed stumbles in with a bump on his head and missing an arm

Ed: Uh… S-somebody knocked me out, stole my arm, and ransacked my room….

Ed sees Wrath holding the book

Ed: T-that book! Where did you get it?!

Envy: Oh no! Fullmetal pipsqueak, Wrath stole your diary!

Envy looks at the arm on the ground and throws it back at Ed, hitting him in the face

Envy: And he stole your arm too!

Ed (addressing Wrath): You didn't read the book, did you?!

Envy: Oh he read it alright! He read it all!

Ed: WHAT?!

Wrath: … I liked the story about the button, Edward.

Ed: … Y-…you did?

Wrath: Yes, it made me sad…. I hope you find your button, Edward.

Ed: So do I limb stealer…. So do I.

All homunculi but Wrath inch out of the room and flee

Okay I hope everyone enjoyed this one, it was a lot of fun to write. I love comments so what ever you have to tell me about it please do, as long as you do it politely :P

A Girl Called Tennessee