"Dad. Dad. Dad. Daaaaaaaaaaaad. Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!" Pause. "He won't listen to me. Jones, you have a go."

"Dad. Hey dad! DAD! Vince! Oh, hang on." Jones walked over to the high-fi and turned it up as loud as it would go. "ANYTHING?" he screamed over the music.

Vinward shook his head and the music died away. "Rich, you have a go."

"Dad. Please talk to us."

Silence.

"I tried." shrugged Richmond. As he sat back on his beanbag the three boys heard a sharp intake of breath and they looked back over to the hunched figure of their dad. He had his back to them and was reading a letter over and over again. He hadn't moved since he'd received it this morning. Richmond had announced he was in a trance and they'd left it there but they were hungry now and although Jones had claimed he could live on sweets, even he was craving some real food.

"Dad?" Vinward said slowly. "Are you… I mean, are you…"

"crying?" Jones finished.

"Well, I was gonna say 'alright' but, yeah, that too."

There was a sniff and Vince rubbed his face with the back of his hand. "I'm fine," He choked out, "you go and play outside."

"Brilliant!" grinned Vinward, "Can we take our bikes into the street?"

"No!" Vince almost shouted. "Go out the back. Don't. Don't leave the house today, okay boys?"

"Why?" asked Jones.

"Just do as your told!" Vince yelled and the boys gasped and ran into the back garden quickly.

--

Jones was throwing a tennis ball against a wall. He had zero co-ordination and kept having to run and retrieve it. Once it went near the window and he couldn't help peek through the lace curtains. Vince was shaking, sobs into his hands. He was still clutching the letter and Jones didn't like it.

"Psst." he hissed at his brother. "What do you think's on that letter?"

"Maybe his hair dye's run out?" shrugged Vinward.

"No." Jones replied shaking his head to emphasise the point. "This is bigger than a hair dye mishap. He looks really upset. Do you think something really bad's happened?"

"Like what?"

"I don't know, Uncle Bollo's getting on a bit."

"What are you suggesting?"

"Nothing… I just… Have you ever seen Dad Vince cry before?"

He had a point. Vince was always seen to be the girly one. Everyone thought that he was the crier but he wasn't. That was Howard. Vince never cried. He was always the strong one really but now he was sobbing like a big baby. Suddenly, he looked up and saw the three boys peering through the window.

They dropped to their knees to get out of site but they knew it was too late. Vince suddenly appeared out of the back door and walked over to them. They got sheepishly to their feet.

He considered them for a second. His cheeks were shiny with tears and his eyeliner was streaked down his face. His eyes were red and bright and Richmond immediately knew what that meant. He was angry, not upset. Just furious about something… about that letter. Richmond swallowed, bracing himself to get screamed at but Vince just sobbed and gathered them into a desperate hug. He held them so tight it was almost painful. He held them for ages and when he did pull away, he kissed each of them on the forehead. He walked back into the house leaving the boys to ponder what the hell was going on.

--

It didn't get any better when Howard got home from his jazz day with Lester Corncrake's head. As soon as he walked through the front door, he knew something was wrong. He could sense it in the silence of the house. He went into the living room. The boys were all there. The TV was off. Jones had his headphones in. Richmond was painting and Vinward was reading. He frowned.

"What's wrong?" he asked. Vinward was the only one who looked up, Jones because he could hear and the asker of the question already knew the answer. It was a trait that infuriated his teachers at school.

"We don't know. He wont tell us." Vinward answered.

"Who wont?"

"Dad."

"Sorry, what?"

"Dad. Vince. He's crying."

"He's what?"

"Has been since the post came about lunchtime. We don't know what's wrong. He wont tell us but he's acting really… weird. It's a bit scary."

"Right. I'll go have a word."

Howard shut the door. Vince crying over a letter. It didn't sound right. Vince didn't cry over anything, except maybe a ruined outfit but even then, he never really cried. Howard was nervous when he opened the kitchen door. Vince was hunched over the breakfast bar his head in his hands, then, without prompting. He thumbed the table top with his fist.

"Vince." Howard whispered. "Are you okay?"

The younger man turned and suddenly leapt from his seat and ran to Howard, throwing his arms around his waist and burying his head in his chest.

"Hey. What's wrong?"

"Th-they're g-gonna t-take 'em." Vince sobbed.

"Take who?"

"The boys."

"What? What are you talking about?"

"S-social services."

"But we're good parents."

"It's not that. They think we adopted them illegally." Vince wept shoving the crumpled letter at Howard's chest. "It says they haven't got records of us adopting them. They're going to take them from us until we've got legal docum- docment-"

"Documentation?"

"Yes." Vince sobbed. "What are we gonna do? They're coming to get them tonight."

"Tonight?!"

Vince nodded.

"When?"

"Nine o'clock."

Howard checked his watch. Eight thirty. He swore under his breath. How could they do this? They were their sons. They had proof, well, a few pictures of some scans and a birth certificate scrawled out by a gorilla. He sighed. Not exactly the kind of thing that would hold up in court. It wasn't as though they could've marched into a hospital or a government building and a real birth certificate drawn up. They'd have been shoved in straight jackets and put in a padded cell for trying to explain what had happened. They'd just pretended everything was normal but really… they were just waiting for things kick off. Official, Vinward, Jones and Richmond didn't even exist. How can you prove three people who don't exisit are your sons?

"We'll hide them." Vince said. "We'll take them to Naboo's. Leave them there until it blows over."

"What with a stoner and an ape? Excellent Vince," scorned Howard, "we're trying to proove we're goo parents."

"We are good parents! This is so unfair. None of this would have happened if you were a woman!"

"If I were a woman?! You, sir, got pregnant!"

"Only coz you came and hugged me in the middle of the night like a soldier away from home, missing his wife. Not in a gay way." Vince mimicked Howard's reaction when they'd talked about it (not that his frantic use of all the soap in the hotel room hadn't been an over reaction in itself) . "That hug. It wasn't a hug in a gay way. I'm not gay. I'm still in love with Mrs Gideon. Howard, you haven't seen Gideon for three years. I still love her. I write her poetry. I'm a big poetry writing sap! I spent all these years pining after her. " He stopped.

"Feel better?" Howard asked.

"A bit." Vince nodded coyly. "Sorry," he added, "I just… what are we going to do?" Vince asked, banging his forehead against Howard's chest.

"I… I don't know. We'll just have to prove it with a DNA test I suppose."

"Yes. Brilliant. Great idea. I've seen Jeremy Kyle. It's all done by the next day."

"Yeah, that's not reality though, is it? That's a dickhead, showcasing chavs to lift the mood of the rest of the country because they can watch it and go; 'well, life's not so bad… at least my nan's sisters not going out with my boyfriend of fifteen years and he's contracted syphilis from her coz she's a right goer around the sleazy parts of the east end..'"

There was a pause as Vince's brain digested what he had heard. Then; "That's more Jerry Springer."

"No, on Jerry Springer there'd be incest."

"Hmmm." Vince hummed. "But it will all be sorted out tomorrow, right?"

"Well, maybe but…"

"But what?"

"How are we going to explain this when people come knocking? I mean I love you and the boys. I love our family but… me and you, we're both men. We can't technically conceive children. You'd become a freak show. Showcased all over the world held up as a medical phenomenon. Probably locked in a cage and…"

"Woah. What did you say before that?"

"Medical phenomenon?"

"No. That 'all over the world' bit?"

"Showcased all over the world?"

"Yeah. I could be quite into that."

"No Vince!" Howard said firmly. "It wouldn't be good. They'd do millions of medical experiments and you're no different from the rest of us. You're just too lazy to read a juice carton!"

Suddenly, Vince burst into tears all over again. Howard stood flabbergasted.

"No. No. Don't cry. Vince, come on. I didn't mean it. It was just a joke. Come on, little man. I'm sorry."

"It's not what you said," Vince sobbed, "it's… it's… we're never gonna convince people, are we?"

"Yeah we will." promised Howard, though he didn't believe the words he were saying. "We're good parents, yes? They're not going anywhere. Understand me. We're not letting anyone take them. They're ours."

Just then, the doorbell rang and Vince looked up at Howard, fear evident in his eyes, his face, the way his grip tightened, vice-like on Howard's bicep.

"Don't open it." he whispered but Howard was already on the way to the door. Vince ran to the living room.

"Boys." he cried urgently, "listen to me. We love you very, very much. Okay?"

The triplets shared a confused glance.

"Okay?" Vince repeated angrily.

"Of course."

"Yeah, yeah."

"We know dad. What's going on?" This was Richmond.

"I… nothing." he lied, "Just… we're your dads too. Yeah? Whatever anyone tells you. Whatever they say… whatever they try to prove. You know the truth. You've seen the pictures and the ultrasound scans."

The boys nodded. They looked totally confused and the three stepped closer together. Just then a stern voice said,

"Mr Moon, if you stop me from entering your house, I can have you arrested."

Vince closed his eyes tight and ushered the boys behind him. Jones clutched at Vinward's sleeve tightly and Richmond squeezed in the other side of the moustached boy. The no touching rule had gone completely out of the window.

There was a stopping of footsteps along the tiled floor. They were getting louder and louder. Jones free hand slipped into Vince's. He squeezed it tight as a man in a suit, with a briefcase and a business card strolled towards them,

"Mr Noir. I presume. And these," he peered around Vince's thin body and pressed his face in line with Jones', "must be the boys."

"Piss off!" Vince spat furiously. The man raised an eyebrow, slowly unfolded a handkerchief from his pocket and wiped away some imaginary spit. He replaced the handkerchief and then said,

"Now, now. No need to get aggressive."

"This ain't me aggressive. I'm a cockney ragamuffin, you ain't seen nufin yet." Vince slurred, his finest South London accent starting to show through, just like it always did when he was backed into a corner. Howard presumed it was his flight or flight mechanism, the talk like a cockney thug last resort. He also knew that Vince wouldn't exactly be above the use of violence. Not where the boys were concerned.

"Alright Vince." Howard tried to sooth, though, in reality, he wanted to add to the threats with a few of his own. "Why don't we all sit down and I'll get us all a cup of tea?"

"Mm. Lovely." the social worked said, a weird smile forced its way across his lips and Vince's face screwed up in disgust.

"Don't go Howard," he said desperately, "don't leave us with him!" Vince glared at the man, forcing his sons further behind him.

"It's just tea.""I don't care. He might try and steal 'em."

"Mr Noir." The social worked said, "I'm just trying to do my job."

"Fuck off."

"Vince." warned Howard, "Little ears."

"I'm sorry… I'm just… I'm furious. Don't leave Howard. Okay?"

The older man looked at the social worked apologetically. He shrugged a little and sat in a comfy armchair. Howard's comfy armchair, Vince thought as he sat himself on a sofa. He pulled Richmond on to his lap and put his other arm around Vinward who'd cuddled up to his side. Howard sat close to Vinward and placed Jones on his lap. Jones was holding onto Howard's shirt like his life depended on it and all three boys were terrified. Something was wrong. That much was clear. Vince was shaking too so Howard put and arm out and hugged him. They couldn't have been pressed closer together if they'd been the blocks of a well played Tetris game.

The social worker cleared his throat and opened his briefcase on his knees. The little click sounded and Vince jumped. Howard rubbed his shoulder.

"Now, Mr name is Charles Gordon. I'm not here about the welfare of the children. Anyone can see you're doing a wonderful job. We just seem to have misplaced the adoption certificates. If you could just get them so I can have a look, then I'll be off."

Vince panicked. He pulled the boys closer to him. Richmond winged a little. He was being held so tight now, it was starting to hurt. Vince loosed him a little.

"We don't… erm, have the papers."

"What?" the man looked up.

"At the moment." Howard said, "They've gone to the erm…"

"… pub." Vince suggested.

"passport office." finished Howard.

"Oh yeah, your ones better."

Mr Gordon raised an eyebrow. "Please Mr Moon, Mr Noir, don't give me reason not to believe you."

"Ignore Vince," Howard said, "he talks nonsense when he's nervous. And all the time actually, when he's having a bath, cooking tea, buying a wicker basket."

"We do do that a lot. We go on picnic's at the local park and feed the ducks. The boys love it and…"

"That's all very interesting," Mr Gordon sighed, rustling about behind the lid of his briefcase, "but I still need to see some form of documentation. You must have something."

The two men looked at each other and then back to Mr Gordon.

"Mr Moon, Mr Noir. I do not have time for this. You are perfectly at liberty to adopt but it must be done legally."

"Dad," Richmond asked, "are we adopted?"

"No." said Vince firmly, "I told you. You know the truth."

Mr Gordon raised an eyebrow. "Surely, surely, you don't expect them to believe they're not adopted." he asked, "I know some heterosexual couples don't tell their children but… I mean, you two can't conceive."

"That's what you think." muttered Vince. "We did!"

"Padded cell." Howard warned under his breath.

"Oh shut up Howard!" Vince snapped. "This is unfair." He glared at the social worker. "They are ours. Both of ours. I got pregnant by accident and had the boys."

"You can't get pregnant." Mr Gordon said, looking into his briefcase and scribbling something down.

"I can! I did! I…"

"He used to be a woman!" Howard blurted out and Jones' eyes grew massive and he looked up at Vince and then pointedly at his chest. He didn't look like a woman. Richmond and Vinward were ignoring the conversation now because, for the first time ever, they thought maybe this family wasn't exactly the norm.

"I what!?" Vince exclaimed, looking at Howard.

"Pardon?" Mr Gordon asked,

"He used to a woman. He's like that, erm, Thomas Beatie."

"Ooookay."

"We don't have the birth certificate because we didn't want any fuss."

"Wait. You don't have any documentation?"

"Erm… no." Howard admitted quietly "But we'll do all the DNA tests you need." Vince nodded desperately in agreement. "But I mean, it's obvious anyway, isn't it? They look just like us." Howard pointed out.

"Hmm. Okay. Well, we'll get you into the hospital tomorrow for the tests."

"No problem." Howard said, "How long does it take for the results?"

"Well, it takes five to ten days."

"That's not too bad."

"But it takes six weeks for them to start work on it. There's quite a backlog in the labs."

"Six weeks!" cried Vince.

"Yes. But you'll be able to visit the boys whenever you want."

"Woah, woah, woah." Howard said, "visit?"

The man nodded. "You can't honestly think I'm going to leave three boys with two men, who apparently have no right to look after them and claim to have conceived together."

"I told you, he used to a woman."

"What? He was a woman and decided instead of that he'd become a gay man? That doesn't add up, does it?"

"It was a mistake." Vince said, "should never have done it. What a fool? Happens all the time, I'm sure."

"No sir. Most people enter into something like a sex change with a lot more care than that. You seem to have rushed and cut corners there like you did with the adoption."

"Oi. What d'you mean, cut corners?"

"Well, you still look like a woman."

"You bastard." Vince spat.

"Little ears." Howard growled.

"Right, well… I don't think there's anything else to say. I will be taking the boys with me now and you can apply for visitation rights."

"You can't have them." screamed Vince, turning so that he was protecting his sons.

"Daddy." Jones whispered, clinging tight to Howard's shirt, "I don't wanna leave. This man smells."

"I'm not letting you go anywhere." Vince promised, stroking hair from Jones face and pulling him close to his chest.

"I'm afraid Mr Noir, it's not up to you." Mr Gordon said getting to his feet. "If you do not give me the children then I can have you arrested."

"So arrest me!" shouted Vince, "I don't care. Tell him Howard. He's not having them."

"Maybe it's best not to provoke them Vince."

"No! You have no idea what it's like there. You had family growing up, with their weird traditions and moustache fetishes. I had nothing! Just a cell and my imagination all because of people like you!" he glared at Mr Gordon. "People like you!" he repeated, they were all on their feet now. The boys were behind their dads peering around sides and through gaps at the man. He was giving them a patronising smile and Richmond rolled his eyes. He hated these types in suits.

"Mr Noir. You're hysterical and quite frankly. You appear to be scaring the boys."

"I'm scaring the boys?" Vince laughed shrilly. The social worker was right, he was hysterical. "You, sir, are the one who's marched into their home and is attempting to take them away from everything they know."

"Please Mr Noir. This is difficult enough as it is. Don't make me get the police involved."

"Get 'em involved! I don't care."

"Mr Noir. Stop this or I will have to suggest you can't visit the boys."

"Howard! Tell him. Tell him he can't take them." begged Vince. Howard wrapped his hand around Vince's middle.

"Please." he reasoned, "we're good parents. Why can't we keep them until the court decide? It seems mad to unsettle them." He was remaining incredibly calm and that was because he wasn't really letting himself believe that this was real. This was still the mad far off dream, he'd wake up in a minute. He could feel Vince shaking in his grip. He could feel his sons clinging to one another and to their dads.

"Anyway," Howard said, "shouldn't you be protecting kids who are being abused by their parents?"

"Yeah." Vince agreed.

"Right. That's it." Mr Gordon said firmly. He walked determinedly towards the family and stretched out a hand to grab the closest boy. Jones screamed as the hand clasped around his arm.

"Get off him." Vince cried. He threw a punch but Howard stopped him. He knew that if they did anything too stupid they could lose the boys forever. Vince struggled against the older man, swinging with his right hand.

"Don't make it worse." Howard said, tears streaming down his own face, "we'll get them back." he whispered.

"Jones!" yelled Vince as his son was dragged from the room. He was kicking Mr Gordon in the shins and the man yelped as a pair of sharp little teeth broke the skin on his wrist. Vince was trying to run. He was trying to get Jones back. He was going to tear the social workers eyes out. He'd kill him if he had to but he couldn't escape. Howard was holding him. He was stopping him from protecting the boys.

Vince was bruising Howard's shins but the older man held him firm as he cried helplessly, tears falling down his cheeks getting caught in his moustache. Mr Gordon came back and grabbed Vinward next. The boy ran but Gordon had longer legs. He soon caught him and dragged him from the house. Vince was still yelling and screaming.

"Dad?" Richmond said slowly, "we will come back, wont we?"

"Yes." Vince promised, crouching down to hug Richmond tight, "we'll come and get you. I promise. We're gonna fight this every step of the way. Do you understand?"

Richmond nodded.

"We love you." Howard said, "think of it as a holiday. Okay?"

"Yeah," agreed Vince, "behave yourselves."

Richmond nodded again and took a deep breath, when Gordon returned Richmond went without a fuss. Vince followed to the door. The whole street was out watching the fiasco unfold. Vince slammed the door as accusatory eyes fell on him. He fell to his hands and knees and curled up in a ball. He cried until he felt sick and his throat hurt.

"Vince." Howard whispered. He was stood a few feet away, the tears were streaming down his cheek but he wasn't making the same desperate sobbing, gasping noises Vince was. He had nothing else to say so he just left it there. Vince, on the other hand, had plenty to say.

"You." he seethed, leaping to his feet. He shoved Howard hard in the chest. "You didn't stop them. You let them take our sons. You… you…" Vince thumped Howard hard in the chest until the older man caught his hands. Vince fell weakly against Howard chest and cried.