Amargosa Sun: The Obsessions

Temari was alerted when a group of ninja approached the sand village. Suna's defenses were higher than normal, as most of the public thought that Gaara was sick and unable to see anyone. But it had been weeks since he had been spotted. Doctors from all over the village wanted to attend to him, but Temari explained that Gaara ordered not to be disturbed, and that his condition would slowly, but surely, improve. Only a select few knew the truth. Gaara was no longer there, and now, he was missing.

Temari walked slowly to the village entrance, her head filled with worry for her brothers. The village needed Gaara back, and people missed his presence dearly. And Temari had to admit that she didn't realize just how many duties and responsibilities Gaara actually had. Now, she felt foolish and like the biggest failure in the land for letting him leave so easily. She had just been so sure that things would come out okay….

She was so lost in her thoughts that she didn't realize that she was at the entrance and fast approaching the small group of ninja. She sighed in relief when she realized that it was a team from Konoha.

"Gai-sensei," Temari smiled. "It's good to see you."

Gai flashed a flamboyant smile, standing tall in his all green outfit and green vest. Temari never failed to notice that his black hair never moved in the wind. But at least now she had learned not to stare.

"As you might have guessed," Gai said, his face growing serious, "I'm here to speak to Gaara. My cute students never returned to the village! The Hokage also sent me to return to him with any more information you might have on The Pillar."

Temari took a deep breath. Gai noticed her hesitation.

"I hear Gaara is ill," he said softly.

Temari looked up at him, her eyes wide. But she knew the moment she looked at him that he knew something was wrong. He knew Gaara wasn't sick.

"I'm going to be completely clear here," Gai said, putting a hand on her shoulder. "The Hokage wants to know exactly what is going on. You're our allies, and you were attacked. We, too, were attacked. We need to take care of this threat before anything else happens to our villages." As he spoke, he had been walking her away from the other ninja until they could no longer be heard over the desert wind. "I also want to be clear that I know you're covering something up. And if I'm right about that, your village can't handle another attack, from The Pillar or anyone else."

Temari glanced back at the village, staring at it for a long time. She loved the village dearly, but as it stood now, she would be here alone, without her brothers. Her only family. For a brief moment, she wondered if it were worth it. Would it be selfish to reveal the village was missing its leader and that she wanted help getting him back? She was confident that Suna could survive an attack, but if word got out that Gaara was missing, there would be chaos. And not only that…. Some people on the council might go as far as to replace him and appoint another Kazekage in his place.

She handed Gai a slip of paper with a copy of a map and carefully printed directions. "This is where they went," she whispered to him. "Gaara and your team, they both headed in this direction. That was weeks ago. We've still had no word."

Gai took the notes from her and quickly tucked them away. "I'll tell the Hokage and no one else," he promised. "He'll know how to help."

Gaara shivered in bed. Morning had arrived and the air in the palace was heavy with the chill. He was still mostly asleep, and although his body was terribly uncomfortable, he was too tired to get up and try to warm himself. Suddenly he felt a light weight fall over his body and his body instantly relaxed. He opened his eyes to see a thick blanket had been tossed over his bed. He heard footsteps and caught a glimpse of Neji walking back into his room. There was food on the table. Since conjuring wasn't allowed or possible inside the palace unless the royal family did it, Neji had to do what he could to make Gaara comfortable with his own two hands. He was doing his job and being obedient.

Something about that didn't sit well with Gaara. Clearly Neji was up to something.

This went on for a few days, with Neji going to the kitchen and serving Gaara his food. He also made sure Gaara was warm enough. He was there whenever Gaara wanted something. Neji didn't complain, or show any fear or discomfort. Every day he would serve, but when he wasn't needed it didn't escape Gaara's notice that he'd leave his room and explore the palace. Even though Gaara spent much of his time with Kaali, he noticed when Neji wasn't close. And with every passing day Gaara could see Neji's eyes growing more and more secure with his surroundings and his situation. He was getting to know the palace, finding out what he needed to know to escape, and most importantly… no one suspected that he could be of any danger.

Gaara started to get more and more frustrated with him. Every time Gaara tried to remember him all he could remember was how no one had been there for him, and how his life was devoid of love or friendship. But he couldn't deny that there was something about Neji that was interesting… even inviting. Denial seemed like the best action, and Gaara proceeded to take out his growing frustration on Neji.

While Gaara usually preferred to keep to himself, he found himself seeking out Neji purely for the sake of making his life miserable. He tried to degrade him, to insult him, to give him chores to do to keep him from wandering the palace. And Neji would only smile, nod, and calmly obey. But despite his refusal to rebel or disobey, between the two of them, he was always the one in control. Behind Neji's smile Gaara could see strength and pride. He had a powerful masculine appeal under a graceful, almost ethereal appearance. The more Gaara noticed this, the harder he tried to push Neji to his breaking point. The harder he tried to push him to see how far he could go. To test the boundaries of Neji's strength and control. And ever enduring, Neji's composure never slipped.

"Where do you go every day?" Gaara asked finally as they both sat at his table one day.

"I explore and observe," Neji said simply.

"For what purpose?" Gaara asked.

"To understand my enemy," Neji responded.

"Do you still plan on taking me away from here?" Gaara asked, a little annoyed that Neji didn't seem to mind his position as his slave.

"Of course," Neji said. "And I have no doubt that one way or another, I will succeed."

"The second you get me away from here," Gaara warned. "I'll kill you. If we cross outside of the boundaries of this kingdom, my chakra will regenerate, I'll gain my abilities back, and I'll kill you slowly before returning here."

Neji only smiled softly at him. "Could you really do that to me?"

"I wouldn't think twice," Gaara said. "And I'd feel no guilt. I hate you. I hate the fact that you're trying to take me back. I hate the fact that you're parading as my friend. I hate everything about you. You are completely and utterly without worth to me, and I'd be glad to see you suffer."

Neji took a sip of water and seemed to be calmly contemplating this. "You know what the oddest thing about this situation is?" he asked softly. "The oddest thing is, you were never like this in the past. Not even when Shukaku had a hold on you." He tilted his head in thought. "When I first saw you years ago, you were calm and collected. Lee said you were blatantly honest, but never rude or nasty. Even when Shukaku was raging you seemed to be attempting to maintain some sort of control so you didn't destroy everything in your path."

"Like I said, you didn't know me…" Gaara said lowly.

"What could be causing this change in your attitude?" Neji continued to speak thoughtfully.

"You're annoying," Gaara said, sitting back in his chair with a sigh.

"And then I realized you don't like not having something to control you," Neji said, meeting his eyes with a subtle smirk. "Before you had people to control you. Your father, your village. Now you have only yourself."

Gaara narrowed his eyes into a glare that could have killed someone with a weaker will. "Excuse me?"

"It must be hard, living a life in which losing control would lead to people being killed or lives destroyed," Neji said, his eyes fixed sharply on Gaara from across the table. "Or maybe you were given too much power from a young age, and you didn't like the responsibility of it. Either way, you enjoy giving up that control. You constantly challenge everyone and everything around you, just waiting for someone who actually has the strength to put up with you. The more you push the situation, and the crueler you get, the more you subconsciously desire a complete and total loss of control over things."

Gaara was silent and shaking with anger. He slowly rose from his hair. Neji rose as well, because he could see it in Gaara's eyes. Gaara really wanted nothing more than to beat him senseless right now. Or worse.

"That explains everything," Neji smirked. "That explains why you were such an out of control kid so many years ago. Maybe it wasn't always Shukaku pulling the strings. Maybe you committed some of those crimes of your own free will, just hoping that someone would come along and care enough to put you in your place."

Gaara was advancing on him slowly, his calm disintegrating.

"It's like some sort of masochistic father complex," Neji continued, standing his ground, a smirk on his face. "Raising yourself since you were a kid, always being in control and always taking the blame, having no one to protect you or take the reins for once in your life. You need someone to play daddy, don't you?"

Gaara was getting closer, moving like a predator, unable to block out the words that stabbed him.

"That was why you said you only loved yourself, Gaara," Neji said. "It was really just an excuse to push as many people as far as you could, even if it meant hurting them, just to find someone who could fulfill your most selfish desire. And you pushed some of them so far that you killed them."

Gaara was standing just inches from him now.

"Just like your uncle," Neji said, a dark smile on his lips. "You told me you killed him. Did you really have to push him that far to get him to prove that he didn't think you were just a worthless test of will for him? Or have you forgotten Yashamaru too?"

Gaara suddenly punched him across the face. Neji expected it, but what he hadn't expected was the sheer force behind it. He stumbled backwards and grabbed on to a chair to remain standing. "Did I say something wrong?" he chuckled. "Did I insult you somehow… even though you find yourself beyond redemption?"

Gaara punched him again and again, shaking with rage. "You don't know anything!" Gaara yelled, grabbing Neji by the front of his robes and slamming him back against the wall. "I have never, ever taken a life for such petty and pathetic reasons! It was always Shukaku! I couldn't control him!" He slammed Neji back against the wall again, harder this time. Neji took the blow with maddening calmness. "I didn't kill Yashamaru in cold blood. I never want to hear you speak his name again!"

"You don't take lives for satisfy your whims and you don't kill in cold blood," Neji said. "You make yourself sound almost noble for someone beyond redemption. But I'm pretty sure that when you crushed my friend's body in the middle of a tournament and left him to live his life as a cripple you knew what you were doing."

Memories flickered in Gaara's mind. He did crush someone. There was a tournament. But the person he was fighting… he couldn't remember who it was.

"It stands to reason that you always knew what you were doing," Neji said, blood trickling down the side of his mouth. "How many people did you kill when you had Shukaku's power to rely on?"

"I didn't use him! He was the one using me!"

"Do you or don't you have more sins on your shoulders than you can count?" Neji said. "Don't you even know?"

"I do…" Gaara growled. "Just not… what you think."

"Then what?" Neji pushed. "Are you a murderer or aren't you?"

"I'm not what you're making me out to be!"

"Then why act like such a demon if you've got so many excuses as to why you weren't one?"

"Because it's the only way my life makes sense!" Gaara yelled, backing away from Neji and pacing in the middle of the room like a caged animal. "Don't you get it?! I can't be the good person you're always trying to convince me I am! I have to be sinful and ugly and horrible and worthless! That's the only way I can justify being treated the way I've been treated all my life! If I were so good and respectable then why did I get treated that way?! Why did people hate me?! Why was my life hell?! Playing the part of the villain is the only way to make sense of things! It's too hard to think that being a good person would lead to a life like that! So I'd rather be a bad person. Then it makes sense!"

Neji stared at him. His expression softened, and his eyes were apologetic. Gaara realized that it had all been an act, and that he'd fallen for every word.

"You don't want to believe that good would have to face that type of evil," Neji said. "So deep down, you're still the same old Gaara."

Gaara stood there in shock. The anger, the sorrow, the bitterness… all of it was draining from him and fading away. He was emotionally exhausted, and unable to hang on to any of those tiring, negative emotions. He started to feel the euphoria of releasing them one by one. And the euphoria spread throughout his body, relaxing him and soothing him. He shut his eyes, and then looked up at Neji again. He saw past the white hair, and past the dark eyes. He looked deeper and deeper. He saw kindness in those eyes, and friendship, and assurance. He realized that he wasn't alone. And as soon as he realized that, all sorts of possibilities opened up, and memories opened up in him like a flood.

He walked over to the table and picked up a napkin, wetting it a bit in one of the glasses of water. He walked over and wiped the blood from Neji's mouth.

"Nice disguise," he said softly.

Neji smiled. "Nice punch," he said.

"Why did you let me hit you?" Gaara asked as the last of his memories righted themselves. He remembered everything now. Including the abilities of the friends he had tried to forget. Neji could have easily dodged those punches.

"Because you needed it," Neji said, wincing a bit as Gaara cleaned the last of the blood from his lips.

Neji looked down into Gaara's eyes. They were patient, wise, soft, and kind again. Gaara reached up slowly and touched Neji's white hair curiously.

"It's just an illusion," Neji said.

"Good," Gaara said bluntly. "But before I lost my mind I told myself to look with someone with dark hair and light eyes, and here you are with light hair and dark eyes."

"You were looking for me?" Neji asked.

Gaara looked away and cleared his throat. "It seemed logical," he shrugged lightly. He slowly walked away, looking at the room with a new perspective. He glimpsed himself in a nearby mirror, clothed in black robes, making his skin look ghostly pale. Blinking, he stepped closer and rose his hand to his neck. There was a deep red mark there…. Almost like….

"What the hell was I thinking…" Gaara muttered, sinking down into a soft chair nearby.

Neji tilted his head and walked closer, brushing his fingertips over the dark bruise. "How did this happen?" he asked.

Gaara averted his eyes and opened his mouth, then seemed to decided against it and closed it again. He glanced up to Neji with a somewhat guilty look on his face. Neji's eyes widened for a moment, then he frowned. "Is that…."

"Yes," Gaara said, sitting back with his hands over his face.

"The princess?" Neji asked.

"Yes," Gaara sighed.

An awkward silence passed between them.

"Did you two… you know…?"

"Yes…" Gaara said.

Another awkward silence passed.

"What were you thinking?!" Neji suddenly exclaimed.

"I didn't have my memories!" Gaara said. "I wasn't thinking at all!"

"You ran away from home to get laid?!"

"It just… happened," Gaara groaned. "She was there, I was there… I was tense. I wasn't myself! Years of lessons and morals and wisdom were missing…."

"I thought you had higher standards," Neji blinked.

"I do," Gaara said. "You can't blame me for stuff I did when I was missing so many memories I didn't remember who I was. Do you think I'm proud of it?"

More silence passed.

"Why did you lose your memories?" Neji asked finally. "Did they brainwash you somehow?"

"No," Gaara said. "I did it to myself. I had to keep myself from being comfortable. Otherwise, I'd fall into a dream state and become completely obsessed with what this place can give me." He suddenly remembered something and looked up to Neji. "That's what happened to Tenten. She's in the city. This place has a hold on her now."

Neji shut his eyes and nodded. "We got separated," he said. "We found Kankurou not long after we got here, but we all got separated from each other."

There was a knock at the door. Neji and Gaara looked at each other nervously before Princess Kaali stepped inside.

"Gaara, love," Kaali smiled. "Shall we go for a stroll?" She blinked and looked at Neji. "What happened to your face?" she asked. "You're bleeding. You look like a fighting vagrant."

"I…"

"He tripped," Gaara said.

"Yes…" Neji said, tracking his eyes over to Gaara. "I… tripped."

"I'm a little tired today, Kaali," Gaara said. "I hope you don't mind if I rest today."

"Oh, of course not," she smiled sweetly. "I suppose I tired you out yesterday."

Gaara could feel Neji's eyes staring like daggers at the side of his head. "I suppose you did," Gaara said with a slight smile.

"I will check on you later then," she said as she leaned in to kiss him. He returned the kiss, and he could swear that the room got colder in Neji's direction. Kaali smiled and then left.

Awkward, awkward silence.

"I don't feel anything for her," Gaara said, breaking the silence that was so thick you could cut it. "The time I spent with her was completely hollow."

"You don't have to explain," Neji said softly.

"Yes, I do," Gaara said, meeting his eyes. "It's important to me that you believe me. I know it sounds crazy, but I couldn't help it. It wasn't just my memories. It was like something was driving me to her. And I couldn't come to my senses until it was too late. I can't explain… I just want you to believe me. She means nothing."

Neji blinked and nodded. "I believe you."

But Gaara was still studying his eyes. He stood up slowly and walked a little closer. "You haven't been sleeping properly," Gaara said. "Have you been unable to find a place to rest?" His face grew concerned. "Have you been out there in the snow without shelter all this time?"

"I usually found somewhere to rest," Neji said.

"But…?"

Neji sighed softly. "I'm afraid to sleep."

Gaara rose a brow. "Why?"

Neji told him about the rotting, bloody, evil woman from his dreams. To his surprise, Gaara nodded in understanding.

"She's the reason I'm here," Gaara said. He shared his dreams with Neji, and Neji found himself relieved to be understood.

"Why does she want me dead?" Neji asked. Even as he spoke he was holding on to a chair to steady himself. He was tired, and was extending himself beyond his capacity. The short bursts of sleep he was able to get weren't enough anymore.

"You need to sleep," Gaara said. He nodded over to his bed. Neji looked over at it, dread in his eyes. "Believe me," Gaara continued. "I understand."

Neji looked at him, suddenly remembering that for years, Gaara couldn't sleep properly… if at all. The dark rings around his eyes were proof of that. Neji had just gotten so used to them that he'd forgotten what had caused them.

"I will try," Neji said, turning to go back to his room.

"No," Gaara said. "Stay here."

Neji turned and hesitated, but walked over to the large bed. He laid down on it with a contented sigh. But he was still too tense to sleep. Gaara pulled up a chair next to him and brushed his hand gently over Neji's face, guiding his eyelids closed.

"Didn't I tell you to stay out of trouble before I left Suna?" Neji whispered sleepily, his eyes closed.

"You also told me I'm defiant because I want someone to put me in line," Gaara said. "Good luck with that, by the way."

Neji smiled softly in response, but his body relaxed and his head rolled gently to one side. He was asleep. Seeing this, Gaara reached out and took his hand. Suddenly he felt his heart speed up, and his muscles tense. He could feel rage building inside, but he easily pushed it back. She couldn't make him hate Neji again. She couldn't make him angry at him, and she couldn't make him hurt him.

"If you want me to end your pain," Gaara said against the building rage, "You'll spare him. Or it will go on forever. And no matter what horrors you show me I would rather die than let you hurt him."

After that, Neji slept peacefully for hours, his hand in Gaara's.

After night fell, Princess Kaali picked up her hand mirror and stared into it. Gaara hadn't wanted to be with her badly enough. That was an issue. He should have dropped everything to be with her, as wonderful and beautiful as she was. Maybe he was really tired, but as glorious as she was it shouldn't have mattered.

Little did she know, in the other room, Neji awoke with his hand in Gaara's. Gaara's fingertips were idly brushing over the skin of Neji's hand as he stared into space, still seated in the chair by the bed, unaware that Neji's eyes had opened. And Neji made no effort to pull his hand away. Instead he sat up on the bed, pulling Gaara forward by the hand so that he had to lean in closer.

"I'll just have to continue what I started before that frail little sacrifice rejected the pillar," Kaali said to herself as she picked up her hand mirror. It glowed in her hand.

She didn't see how Gaara let himself be pulled in, or how he slid his hands into Neji's hair. She didn't see the silent exchange of their eyes, or the way Neji roughly pulled Gaara close and whispered something in his ear.

"I command you…" Kaali said to the mirror as it glowed.

Neji crushed Gaara in his arms as their lips met. There was no hesitation. Neji's lips were soft, but his kiss was commanding. Without breaking their rhythm he guided Gaara from the chair onto the bed. Gaara found himself on his back, Neji's weight on top of him. The kiss was long and deep and so forceful that Gaara could taste the blood from the wound he had inflicted on Neji earlier. He only had a brief moment to feel apologetic before their kiss wiped away any worries he had.

"And this time," Kaali hissed into the mirror, "I want no mistakes. This must be binding and unbreakable… or you will pay dearly."

At first Neji's tongue was a slow, probing wetness, but Gaara parted his lips and explored Neji's mouth with so much enthusiasm that Neji had to push him back onto the bed again before Gaara sent them rolling off and onto the floor. They broke the kiss and Neji smirked down at him. Gaara stared up into his eyes, a smile tugging at the side of his mouth. His hands were still in Neji's hair, pulling him down again.

"Make Gaara fall in love with me!" Kaali yelled into the hand mirror talisman.

And in the other room, Gaara froze before Neji could kiss him again. He inhaled sharply as if in pain, his eyes widening and his hand darting over his own heart.