This story is based on the song 'You won't find this' by Carrie Underwood. Hope you enjoy.
Disclaimer: I own nobody apart from Jessica.
Flashbacks in italics. Song words in bold and italics
"Did you check the tyres?"
"Put gas in the car?" JJ asked as she watched Emily gathering the last few things off the kitchen side.
"JJ this would be so much easier if you just stopped talking." Emily replied angrily.
Totally unfazed by the words JJ carried on.
"Don't think you need too much, 'cause you ain't gonna get that far."
Emily sighed and grabbed her bag from the floor before pushing past JJ and entering the hallway. She had one foot out the front door when JJ's words stopped her in her tracks.
"Did you pack the good times?"
Emily turned with tears in her eyes and gave JJ the death glare. She thought she was doing a good job, she'd managed to stay strong enough to walk out the door. Her heart didn't want her to leave but her head said it was the only way to get over this. Why did she have to mention the good times?! There had been many good times in their relationship, in fact it had been all good times until three months before. They had been so happy, neither of them had ever felt this good in a relationship, or so Emily thought. It's funny what a difference a day can make.
"Em where the hell are we going?"
Emily smiled in delight at her girlfriend's obvious discomfort. She'd never been one for surprises, she liked to know exactly what was going on. JJ becoming frustrated moved her hands up to the piece of cloth covering her eyes.
"JJ don't even think about it."
"Or what?" Emily could see a smirk forming on her lips and although she couldn't see her eyebrows she knew one would be raised.
"Or you won't ever be sleeping with me again."
"Wow sweetie you could at least come up with something realistic." JJ giggled.
"You think I'm joking? I can go elsewhere for that baby."
"Uh huh but you won't find anything as good as this."
Emily couldn't help but smile. "You're right babe, I certainly won't find this."
Emily had stopped the car, ran round to open the passenger side door and carefully helped JJ from the car before taking her hand and leading her in the right direction. She couldn't wait to see her face when she realised what Emily had done, it was going to be a picture. Not just any picture, a perfect picture. She opened the door and waited until JJ was safely inside before she closed the door and removed the blindfold from JJ's eyes.
JJ looked around confused and wondered what the hell they were doing inside someone else's house. She looked to her girlfriend of two years for an explanation. Emily smiled and continued to tease the frustrated blonde.
"Take a look around."
"This is our first day off in weeks and you've decided that it would be best spent looking around someone else's house?
"Um baby, this isn't somebody else's house."
"What? What do you mean this isn't somebody else's house?"
Realisation suddenly set in and Emily got the reaction she had been hoping for. She only wished that she had taken her camera to capture the moment.
"Oh my God! You don't know how much I love you Emily Prentiss!" The excited blonde screamed as she ran around the house taking in everything that had just become theirs.
"You can show me later." Emily called after her.
It had been a long day and Emily had sneaked home a little early to make some minor adjustments to the house before JJ got home. She'd left a note on the press liaison's desk. It didn't say much but at the same time it said everything she needed it to.
JJ,
Hurry up and get your sexy ass home!
Em
JJ walked into the house only to find it in complete darkness, she knew Emily was in because her car was parked in the drive way. She kicked off her shoes, slid her arms out of her jacket and dropped it over the banister as she made her way through the house.
"Baby I'm home. Where are you?"
"I'm in here." A reply came from the kitchen.
JJ walked into the kitchen and could see by light of candles flickering on the table that Emily had a romantic dinner prepared. She smiled at her girlfriend and wrapped her arms around her waist.
"What's all this in aid of?"
"Do I need a reason?"
"I guess not." JJ shrugged as she leant in and claimed Emily's lips.
Emily pulled the chair out for her and allowed her to sit before bringing their dinner to the table.
"Wow you go to all this effort and you bring me a take out?" JJ laughed.
Emily smiled and put a dish down on the middle of the table. JJ took one look at the charred mess and could no longer hold back her laughter. Eventually she calmed down and wiped tears from her eyes.
"Well baby it's the thought that counts."
Emily smiled. "I wanted everything to be so perfect that I got a little carried away. Dinner got a little burnt."
"A little burnt? I'm surprised you didn't have to call 911 to put it out."
Emily laughed and swatted JJ's arm.
"I'll make it up to you later. We could create a little fire of our own."
JJ almost choked on her mouthful of noodles.
"Suddenly I'm not hungry. Let's go be arsonists."
Emily laughed and took JJ's hand leading her upstairs to their bedroom, where not only was she planning to ignite their passion but to propose the rest of her life to the woman she loved.
Emily shook her head to rid it of the 'good times' and continued walking towards her car. She noticed that JJ had now disappeared from view but it didn't last for long, she was soon back at the door with something in her hand.
"Don't forget a map." She called out.
Emily ignored her and yanked open the car door, throwing her bag onto the back seat.
"Just in case the route you take isn't there to take you back."
Emily slammed the car door and marched up towards the slightly shorter blonde woman. Anger was pulsing through her body and she wanted nothing more than to slam the blonde up against the wall and show her who was boss.
"You listen to me Jennifer. I don't need air in my tyres, I don't need gas in my car, I don't need your god damn map and most of all I don't need you! And you know why I don't need any of those things? No? Well I'll tell you, it's because I'm never coming back."
Emily stopped ranting and looked up to see the tears falling down JJ's cheeks, she closed her own eyes knowing if she looked for too long then her heart would break. Her defences would drop and she'd end up upstairs in bed with the woman she was trying to walk away from. She'd come so far that she just couldn't let any of this happen. She slowly walked back to the car more than aware that JJ had something more to say.
"Emily please......I don't want you to leave." Her voice was pleading.
"You should have thought about that before you slept with HIM!"
Emily hadn't been driving for long, an hour at the most when she heard a hissing noise coming from the back of the car. She sighed and pulled over cursing under her breath at the situation. She slammed the car door and knelt down next to the back tyre.
"Fuck it. I don't believe this!" She screamed to herself.
"Having trouble there sweetheart?"
Emily looked up only to be met by a pair of intense blue eyes and flowing blonde hair. If Emily hadn't of known better she would have sworn it was JJ. From a distance she could easily be mistaken for her but the accent was a dead give away.
"You okay?"
Emily suddenly realised that she was staring, that in itself was bad enough but the fact that her mouth was hanging open wide enough to catch flies only made it a hundred times worse.
"I'm...uh....I'm fine. Just a bit of car trouble, nothing I can't handle."
"You have a spare in the trunk?"
"I should do."
Half an hour later and Emily's car had its new tyre fitted and she was ready to hit the road once more. The younger woman smiled as Emily stood up and wiped her hands down the front of her slacks.
"Thank you for the help." Emily offered her hand.
"You're very welcome. I'm Jessica by the way." The blonde took Emily's hand and shook it firmly.
"I'm Emily. Nice to meet you. I must get going, it's getting late. Once again thank you."
"Where ya headed?" Jessica asked.
"I'm not sure yet." Emily replied with a slight smile as she got back into her car.
She fitted the key back into the ignition and attempted to turn on the engine. The engine spluttered a little before dying. Emily tried again only for the same thing to happen. She hit the steering wheel in frustration before allowing her head to fall into her hands. A minute or so later a knock on the window made her jump, she looked up and quickly wound down the window.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you."
"Its fine. I'm just having the worst day." Emily forced a small smile.
"I know the feeling. Engine trouble now?"
"No. Damn I feel like a first class idiot. I ran outta gas."
Jessica laughed a little.
"You need a ride into town?"
Emily thought it through in her mind. Normally due to her nature and her job she would refuse a lift from anyone. It was only natural for her to be weary about strangers. After a few minutes deliberation she figured that she had a gun under her car seat and that Jessica was at least several inches shorter than her and around 20 lbs lighter, she could overpower her without a second thought. Just like she could overpower JJ, she shook her hand and cursed herself for thinking about her.
"Uh sure as long as you don't mind."
Jessica raised an eyebrow and laughed at the dark haired woman standing before her with her hands shoved into her pockets.
"What?" Emily asked innocently.
"You're funny that's all. I wouldn't have asked if I didn't want to give you a ride."
The journey into town was mainly silent, neither knowing exactly what to say. Jessica watched the brunette intensely out of the corner of her eye trying to figure out exactly who she was. She'd noticed the wedding band on her left hand almost instantly when she'd stopped to help, looking at her hands now she could see it was no longer there. Somewhere between now and then she had managed to slip it off and place it in her pocket, Jessica could see the outline against her thigh.
Emily felt increasingly uncomfortable. Her body was screaming at her, her libido raging. She hadn't had sex for months, she couldn't bring herself to sleep with JJ after finding out she had been with him. It had taken her 3 months to finally pluck up the courage to leave and now here she was already fantasizing about a substitute. One she had only met an hour or so before.
They stopped at a small gas station, collected some gas and then drove back to Emily's car. Jessica waited until the car started up before saying her goodbyes and heading back into town. Emily continued to drive into the night not even knowing where she was going. She knew she couldn't head back into the town Jessica had driven her to earlier, there were far too many things wrong with it. At first she told herself it was because it was too near to home, it was too tidy, too perfect but deep down she knew the real reason was because Jessica was there.
She hated herself for feeling something so quickly, she knew exactly why she was attracted to her. She was the spitting image of JJ and she knew that her heart was still aching for her, it would be wrong to start something new when she was still hurting. She wished she could stop loving JJ, that she could turn off all of her feelings but it was impossible and she realised that bringing a substitute into her life would only complicate the matter.
Suddenly realising that she had been on the same road for over an hour she sighed loudly and knew that she was well and truly lost.
"I must have taken a wrong turn, that sign said that the next town should have been nearer than this. God damn you Prentiss, you should have taken the damn map instead of being so damn stubborn. She was only trying to help." Emily said to herself with tears pouring down her cheeks.
She decided to take the next right hoping to end up travelling in the right direction. The clock on the dashboard reminded her that it was the middle of the night as she pulled into a motel car park over an hour later. After collecting some keys from the office and dropping her bag onto the floor just inside the door she suddenly felt exhausted. She quickly undressed and climbed into bed. It was your average double bed, same size as her bed at home but suddenly it felt a million times bigger. Although over the last few months she couldn't bring herself to be sexual with JJ she also couldn't bring herself to stop sleeping in their bed. They had an unspoken agreement that they stuck to their own sides and that there was to be no touching. Occasionally she would feel JJ's hand brushing her thigh, never knowing if it was intentional or not. She sighed and realised that although there was no intimacy she missed the warmth of her wife's body beside her and the sound of steady breathing.... the calm after the storm. Most nights she'd wake to JJ screaming and thrashing around beside her and it took all her strength not to reach out and pull her close. Some nights she was simply not strong enough and reached out for her wife, kissing her hair and telling her everything was going to be okay. If JJ ever remembered those nights she'd known well enough to never mention them. Admitting defeat Emily realised she'd have many more nights to get used to this.
It had taken several days for Emily to venture out from the motel. The past two days had been spent lying in bed staring at the ceiling, sitting in a chair staring at the wall and pacing the room staring at nothing in particular. She'd also spent the last 48 hours ignoring her cell phone. Names flashed on the screen constantly and she did nothing but sit and stare. They left messages and Emily knew it would be much easier to listen to the messages than actually answer.
Garcia;
"Hey sweetcheeks, I'm just wondering how my number 2 girl is because my number 1 girl is truly broken. One of you is gonna break eventually and tell the wonderful goddess that I am. I never thought you'd leave without so much as a goodbye but I'll forgive you if you bring me back some chocolate. Give me a call honey!"
Emily couldn't help but laugh a little at Garcia's attempt to lighten the mood.
Morgan;
"Hey girl, just checking how you are? Missed you at work today. Hope to see you back soon. Oh and just a quick heads up, you're mother is looking for you. She's not happy!"
Emily sighed, the last person in the world she wanted to speak to, other than JJ was her mother. She'd be chomping at the bit to tell her "I told you so" and tell her how stupid she was to marry JJ without a pre-nup. Even after everything Emily didn't regret her marriage and she certainly didn't regret allowing JJ access to her cash. In all their years together JJ had never touched a cent and she knew that even now, even though she still had access she wouldn't play those cards.
Reid;
"Hi Emily, I know that you probably don't want to hear from any of us right now but we're worried about you. I thought you and JJ had worked things out? You know running away won't solve anything. Give me a call if you need to talk, I promise not to bore you with statistics."
Hotch;
"Prentiss what's going on? I should sack you for just leaving like this. Whatever it is you know you can talk to me. If you need time I can give you it, just let me know what's going on. I can't cover for you without knowing the truth"
She knew she had to ring Hotch back, even if she ignored the others she had to let him know what was going on. Maybe she would just tell him she needed some time and not elaborate that needing time meant she needed forever.
Rossi;
"Emily I don't understand why you just left like this. This isn't like you. I thought you would have understood? I guess I was wrong. Please just let one of us know you are okay."
Emily frowned and wondered what the hell he was talking about. He expected her to understand her wife being unfaithful, he expected her to give her another chance and say "Oh it's okay honey, lets just pretend it never happened." Who the hell did he think he was?! Listening to the last message had been the trigger to leaving the motel.
She had no clue where she was going but headed in the direction of civilisation, hoping to find herself a decent meal. She hadn't eaten anything but take outs since she arrived and she felt her stomach starting to turn. She wasn't sure if that was the greasy food or the feeling of being lost and well and truly alone. Walking along the street it suddenly hit her that she'd ended up exactly where she didn't want to be. The wrong turn and correctional turn had only led her in one big circle back to the very same place she already despised. She noted the gas station where they had come for gas and the diner she'd passed up a drink in. Deciding she was too hungry to turn back she walked into the diner and took a seat in a corner booth so that no one would bother her.
Burying her head in the menu, she didn't even bother to look at the waitress as she appeared at the table asking for her order. Emily chose the first thing on the menu as her mind refused to focus.
"We really need to stop meeting like this. People are going to start talking!"
Emily looked up to see her worst nightmare coming true, standing before her was Jessica. She looked slightly different with her hair tied back, a little make up and a uniform. The tight shirt complimented her curves perfectly and Emily cursed herself for having such thoughts.
"Uh I got lost."
Jessica laughed.
"And you found your way back to me...maybe it was meant to be."
Not receiving a reply she spoke again.
"I'm joking honey! I get off in 5, mind if I join you for something to eat."
Emily didn't want her to join her, she didn't trust herself. She'd hurt her wife because she was too weak to walk away and now she was going to hurt this woman for the same reason. She opened her mouth to say she had to go but something very different came out.
"Sure, that would be nice."
Jessica smiled her million dollar smile and hurried off to get their food and drinks. Ten minutes later she was back placing their orders between them on the table. She'd let her hair down and loosened her shirt a little with one reason in mind. It didn't take long for her to realise that her chest had definitely gotten Emily's attention.
"So you still lost?" She asked with a small smile.
"A little but like you said, maybe it was meant to be. I mean maybe I'm supposed to settle in this town."
"Maybe. So Emily you have a last name?"
"Prentiss. How about you?" She answered quickly to stop herself from adding the hyphen and Jareau to the end.
"Jackson. My friends call me JJ. You can too if you like."
Emily froze. This was too freaky, too wrong. Every little thing about her reminded her of her wife and now they practically had the same name. She couldn't let herself do this, she absolutely would not succumb to her feelings because her feelings were definitely trying to bring her down.
They sat for hours, just laughing and joking. It all seemed so natural, like they'd known each other a lifetime. There had been gentle arm strokes and every now and then Jessica would rest her head on Emily's shoulder, only for a few seconds at a time but it was more than long enough to make an impact.
Jessica had driven Emily home after their meal, insisting that it was too dark for a woman to be walking the streets alone. Emily didn't argue and had kept her FBI status secret because she wasn't really sure who she was anymore. Turning at her motel door to say goodbye she was met by those intense blue eyes, eyes that held a definite sparkle. A sparkle which she'd seen leave her wife's eyes many months before. She missed that sparkle. Jessica leaned forward and gave Emily a hug while thanking her for dinner, Emily felt awkward but eventually hugged her back. As chocolate eyes met sky blue Emily knew she couldn't do this. She quickly moved her head away to avoid the kiss that was heading her way.
"I'm sorry Jessica. I can't do this."
She watched the smile leave her lips and the sparkle leave her eyes.
"Its ok Emily, I rushed you I'm sorry." She handed her a small card.
"Give me a call sometime. We can still be friends right?"
"Sure." Emily smiled and disappeared into the sanctuary of her motel room.
Sliding down against the closed door she allowed her emotions to flow out. Tears plagued her face and her hands shook violently. She closed her eyes hoping that she could erase all images of Jessica, only to be met with images of her wife. Although everything about Jessica almost mirrored Jennifer there was just one problem. One big problem that was always going to get in the way, she just wasn't Jennifer. She turned on the radio and allowed her eyes to close.
You can hold any girl that you like
Fall in love when it's easy at night
But, you'll wake up wondering why she ain't ever something better
When you're lost and run out of road
Find what I already know
In the end close is all there is
But you won't find this
No, you won't find this
She called Hotch after a couple of days to tell him she was okay but just needed some time. He had agreed as long as she called him on a weekly basis to let him know how things were. He didn't ask where she was, he didn't even ask why she was gone but Emily knew he was analysing her every word.
Days turned into weeks and Emily couldn't stop bumping into Jessica. Whenever she left the motel and headed into town she would see her at the gas station or outside the diner or in the supermarket. If she went for a drink in the local bar she would be there too and there was nothing she could do to stop the attraction.
There had been several occasions in the last week where after several drinks too many Emily had given in to everything, let down all her walls and allowed Jessica to kiss her. Her lips were soft and her tongue was gentle in its demand but it just didn't feel right. Jessica had wanted to come in for 'coffee' but Emily made the excuse that she was tired and needed to be alone. She was somewhat proud of herself for walking away even when drunk and not thinking straight.
Unfortunately she couldn't stop herself every time and looking down at the head resting on her chest she suddenly felt very confused. She laughed to herself, thinking that statistically speaking she was probably one of the very few people in the word that could get away with screaming their wife's name during sex with their lover. It wasn't funny, not in the slightest but it was the only way she knew how to react. She outright refused to call Jessica JJ, it was too weird and too wrong and she knew when she reached her climax that screaming her name was no mistake. The lights were out so she wouldn't be reminded of what she was doing, in the dark she could easily convince herself that she was sleeping with JJ. She felt disgusted and dirty for what she was doing, she never meant for things to be this way but her body had long since betrayed her mind.
After sneaking from the bed and having a long hot shower Emily was relieved to find Jessica had already left for work. It was easier that way, she didn't have to say the words she was longing to say. That one event suddenly triggered something inside of Emily, after weeks of not wanting contact with any of her friends she realised she needed to talk, talk more than anything else in the world.
"You know sweetie. I love you, I really do but you've got to stop this. Come on tell me what happened because you're leaving something out."
"It's not that easy." JJ sighed and looked away from her best friend.
"Nothing is easy baby but some things are just worth fighting the pain for."
"She's made her choice Garcia."
"No sweetie, I don' t think she has."
Before JJ could answer the sound of 'The Ketchup Song' filled the room. JJ raised an eyebrow at her friend.
"What? It's a catchy song."
Garcia's eyes fell to the caller id on the screen and JJ could tell by the change in her expression that this was going to be difficult.
"It's her isn't it?" JJ questioned.
"J..."
"Put a track on it. Garcia please, I need to know where she is."
"Honey I can't break my number 2 girls trust."
"But you'll break your number 1's instead."
"Okay okay. I'll do it but you owe my girl."
JJ reached out and touched her friend's arm, whispering her thanks in the process. Garcia answered the phone and set about working her magic.
"Hello, the one and only technical goddess at your service."
"Hey Pen, it's me."
"Emily, sweetheart. Where are you? Are you okay?"
"I'm.....Garcia I need help."
"Well you've come to the right place, I am the one and only all singing, all dancing, all knowing sensation of the FBI. What could you possibly require my services for?"
"I met this woman, the day I left and things have...they've escalated a little."
"Honey I...." Garcia tried to warn her friend of JJ's presence.
"Garcia please I need to finish or I'll never say it. I slept with this woman last night Garcia, she's almost perfect, too perfect in fact. It's just I'm attracted to her for the wrong reasons."
As Emily carried on, Garcia held JJ close to her chest and rubbed her back as the blonde sobbed quietly. She always knew there would be a day when she'd have to face facts and admit that Emily no longer wanted her but she did expect it to be this soon. She was still hoping Emily would come home.
"She's a spitting image of JJ. Hell they even have the same initials. I'm sorry Garcia I shouldn't have called, I have to go."
"Em wait...."
The phone went dead and JJ pulled out of Garcia's embrace.
"Did you get a location?"
"JJ I don't think going after her is the right thing to do, not right now. You're too angry."
"I'm not angry with her, it's my fault. I pushed her to this."
Garcia stopped speaking and suddenly realised why Emily had left. She looked to her best friend and sighed.
"Oh sweetie you didn't tell her the truth did you?"
"No, I tried, I really did but I just couldn't tell her."
"What did you tell her instead?"
"I'll trade you the answer for the trace location."
Garcia smiled. "Okay J, we'll trade but don't you be holding me responsible for any mess you get yourself into."
JJ sat on their bed and pulled her knees up to her chest. It had been a long day, a very long day. She had spent the afternoon telling Garcia why she had lied to Emily and most of the evening phoning contacts close to Emily's location. She wasn't going to stalk her but she was damn well going to find out if she was okay. After all they were still married and as long as JJ didn't receive divorce papers she was going to look out for her wife. Knowing that she was only a few towns away helped JJ to focus, if she had not gone far it meant she still needed to be close to home and that in itself gave JJ some comfort.
She sighed as the thoughts of Emily sleeping with another woman flooded her head. She wasn't angry, or even the slightest bit mad well not at Emily. The feelings she had towards herself were something different entirely. She knew it was her fault that Emily had turned to another woman, she had lied to protect their relationship. She hoped that the fabricated truth would be easier for Emily to understand but she had been so wrong. She closed her eyes and let her mind wander back to the first time they made love, completely unaware that Emily was letting her mind do the same.
Crashing through the front door and into the hallway both had managed to stay attached to each other. Their lips were locked together and Emily's hands were tangled in JJ's hair. The kisses were both possessive and hungry and they only ended when they broke for air, waiting for enough air to fill their lungs before carrying on their assault on each others lips.
Emily lowered her mouth to JJ's neck. She kissed and nibbled the exposed skin there as JJ groaned in her ear. They made it upstairs to the bedroom, losing all of their clothes along the way. The journey up the stairs had been rushed as they both tried to dominate each other and find a cure for the passion pulsing through their veins. Pushing Emily onto the bed and straddling her had changed something within them both, they suddenly felt the need to make love rather than fuck each other senseless. JJ fell on top of the older woman and pinned her hands over her head as she made her way down Emily's body, kissing and caressing every curve. Before long Emily had flipped JJ over and pushed her thigh up to JJ's soft centre, she pushed against her with a constant rhythm, wanting JJ to know she was the only one who got to see Emily Prentiss come undone. They ground against one another until it no longer satisfied their needs. Fingers had found their way between wet folds and both women knew they had found the one. Throughout the night they had both cum loudly in the process screaming each other's names.
"I love you Emily, I want to spend the rest of my life with you." JJ whispered into the morning light.
"And we you will. I don't ever want to be with anybody else."
The sex hadn't been important to JJ, she had enjoyed it at the time but the words spoken afterwards were what really got her. They had declared their love for each other right then and there and they had made promises of forever. Now all that remained was a forever full of loneliness and tears.
JJ picked up the phone and waited for the answer phone to kick in before leaving her message. She fell asleep that night praying that there was still time to make things right.
Emily woke up aching from the activities of the night before. She had promised herself that she wouldn't do this again but she just couldn't help herself. She doubted whether Jessica could make her happy, she was a sweet girl but there were just too many comparisons going on in Emily's mind. She picked up her cell phone to check the time. The screen indicated a missed call and an answer phone message so Emily slipped out of bed and quickly pulled on a T-shirt before heading outside to listen to the message.
"Hey Em, it's Rossi. I spoke to Garcia last night and she told me you had called. Please don't think we were talking about you behind your back, it's just there's been a big understanding and the only way to fix it is an intervention. It isn't my place to say exactly what's happened but JJ wasn't exactly honest with you about her indiscretion. Please call her."
Emily deleted the message and was about to hang up when she realised there was another message.
"There's once in a lifetime and there's once in a while"
Emily froze as she heard JJ's voice. Part of her wanted to hang up but the other part wouldn't let go, she unwillingly hung on every last word.
"And the difference between the two is about a million miles"
"Oh, you might get lucky while the moon is looking up but in the truth of the morning, the stars will be long gone."
"You can hold any girl that you like, fall in love when it's easy at night but, you'll wake up wondering why she ain't ever something better."
"When you're lost and run out of road, find what I already know. In the end close is all there is, but you won't find this."
Emily quickly exited from the answer phone options and hit speed dial one on her phone. She prayed that they would answer, she needed them to answer before she lost the courage. A tired hello came through the phone and Emily's heart skipped a beat.
"I wake up wondering why she ain't ever something better."
"Em? I....I never thought you'd call back."
"I guess you got lucky because Rossi left me a message first. He said you weren't honest with me. I don't understand JJ."
"I was ashamed Em, I didn't want you to think differently of me, I didn't want you to think of me as a victim. It was easier to lie. You know I've never lied to you before but I stupidly thought it would be easier, that you would forgive me. I was trying to save you the pain of thinking it was your fault."
"Well it was my fault wasn't it, I couldn't satisfy your needs. I didn't want us to have a family and you rebelled against that. JJ I understand that and that is why I can't be with you. I don't give you what you need."
"For Christ's sake Emily! It's not about that, it's never been about that. I gave up on that idea years ago. I love you Emily Prentiss more than anything in the world and I've accepted the fact that we would never agree on that subject. The day I married you I promised to give myself to you completely and if that meant sacrificing a family for love than so be it. I didn't cheat on you Emily."
"WHAT? YOU DIDN'T CHEAT ON ME? WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY YOU DID? OH, OH I GET IT, YOU JUST DIDN'T WANT ME ANY MORE AND IT WOULD BE EASIER TO DO IT THIS WAY. I'M YOUR WIFE GOD DAMMIT, DID I NOT AS LEAST DESERVE THE TRUTH."
"I....I didn't cheat on you Em....he raped me."
Emily felt all the air leaving her lungs, her windpipe seemed to constrict and she could no longer breathe. She heard JJ screaming her name down the phone but she couldn't find the calm she needed to reply. After a few minutes JJ heard the small sobs from the other end of the phone.
"Baby I'm sorry, I just couldn't tell you the truth. I put you through hell I know and I'm truly sorry for that. Please Em just come home. Even if you don't want me just come home, come back to work. Back to your friends. They all love you."
"You lied to protect me from myself."
"Em, I....."
"I understand JJ, I respect you for what you did, it shows how much you love me. I just wish you had been honest, I wouldn't have thought of you as a victim. I would have killed him though, believe me I would have. I should have known, I should have realised you would never cheat on me and I should have pushed for the truth. I've wasted almost 5 months of our life. I'm so sorry I couldn't protect you baby."
"Come home?" Was all JJ said as she cried into the phone.
Emily lay on the bed looking down at intense blue eyes and she smiled to herself realising that the sparkle she knew and loved had returned. It wasn't going to last long but at least she could entertain herself with the notion that she was the one that put it there.
"Something on your mind?" The blonde questioned.
"About a million and one different things are racing through my mind right now." Emily laughed.
"Care to share?"
Emily sighed and knew hearts were about to break.
"I made a mistake coming here. I can't be who you want me to be, I can't give you what you need. I'm sorry J, I really am."
"Where are you going to go?" She asked with tears in her eyes.
"Home."
"Back to your wife." There was sadness in her voice but no anger.
"What? How? How did you know I was married."
"Your wedding ring was a big give away. The picture in your car, the distant look in your eyes. I knew all along that I could never mean to you what she means to you and I'm not angry. I knew it would end this way and your wife seems nice. I think she is genuinely sorry."
"My wife seems nice?"
"She turned up at the diner looking for you. She told me everything, about how she pushed you away and it was at that moment I saw something in her eyes. I realised that you were her life and I knew I would never be able to erase her from your mind. Just like she can't erase you from hers."
"I'm so sorry Jessica."
"Don't be sorry Emily. Just go home to your wife."
You can hold any girl that you like
Fall in love when it's easy at night
But, you'll wake up wondering why she ain't ever something better
When you're lost and run out of road
Find what I already know
In the end closer's all there is
Oh, in the end it's me you're going to miss
'Cause you won't find this
Oh, you won't find this