Disclaimer: I own nothing, sadly. Nothing except for the audience members. And even they are trying to sue for their own rights. SCENE 1: PROLOGUE
In Which Valjean Gets No Party and the Bishop Turns Hip
CONVICTS:
LOOK DOWN, LOOK DOWN
AT ALL THIS PRETTY DIRT
WHY DO
I HAVE
A HUGE HOLE IN MY SHIRT?
JAVERT:
NOW BRING ME PRISONER 24601
YOUR TIME IS UP AND YOUR PAROLE'S BEGUN
YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?
24601:
Yes, I get to have one of those going away parties! You know, like a retirement party, except I'm not re-
JAVERT:
NO!
IT MEANS YOU GET YOUR YELLOW TICKET OF LEAVE-
24601:
...and I get to go visit Willy Wonka! This is better than a party!
I'VE GOT A GOLDEN TICKET, I'VE GOT A GOLDEN TWINKLE IN MY EYE-
JAVERT:
Wrong musical, fool!
It is a parole ticket. You show it to anyone who would ever dream of hiring you so that it diminishes your chances of getting a job to about negative 5, thus making you have no money and needing to steal all over again so that you come back here. This way we at the jails don't have to hire any real workers!
24601:
All I did was steal some bread so that my starving sister would not be hungry!
JAVERT:
No excuse!
Cannibalism is always an option, but breaking the law is not!
24601:
Wait, isn't cannibalism illegal too?
JAVERT:
...
Get out of my sight, 24601!
24601:
MY NAME IS JEAN VALJEAN!
JAVERT:
AND I AM... JAVERRRRRRRRRRRT!*
DO NOT FORGET ME!
DO NOT FORGET MY NAME, 24601!
(Walks out in a huff, pushing down random prisoner instead of politely walking around him. Someone got up on the wrong side of the prison warden bunk today...)
24601 (or, VALJEAN as we will now call him):
DRINK FROM THE POOL, HOW CLEAN THE-
Ergh! Chlorine!
I think I should go find a job now.
VALJEAN:
Will you hire me?
FARMER LADY:
I-
VALJEAN:
Wait! Let me stupidly hand you my parole ticket!
FARMER LADY:
Well, now. This changes things. You can work here, but only for a short 5 second musical interval. Seeing as you are a thief that probably can't be trusted. And I have to do my duty in making sure that the prisons don't run out of free workers!
VALJEAN:
Excellent!
He happily picks invisible weeds** for 4 seconds. FARMER LADY lied.
FARMER LADY:
Alright, get out!
(Rudely throws money and ticket at him. Jeez, what's with all these grumpy people?)
FARMER LADY'S SLAVES:
(Walk out mumbling something about how insignificant their parts are)
VALJEAN:
Now I'm sad.
BISHOP:
(conveniently popping up out of nowhere)
'Sup, hobo! Let me stuff your face with stale bread and grapes while talking about how humble I am yet simultaneously tempting you with my PRETTY SILVER!
VALJEAN:
(Grabs silver)
Ha! Stupid Bishop. I steal things from nice people!
(sung very high)
RUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
VILLAGERS:
(also conveniently popping up out of nowhere)
AH! SCARY MAN WITH SILVER!!
(chaos ensues)
MEG GIRY: ***
The Phantom of the Opera! He's here!
VILLAGERS:
...
POLICE 1# WHO IS NOT JAVERT:
TELL HIS REVERENCE YOUR STORY
POLICE 2# WHO IS ALSO NOT JAVERT:
LET US SEE IF HE'S IMPRESSED!
POLICE 1#:
YOU WERE LODGING HERE LAST NIGHT
POLICE 2#:
YOU WERE THE HONEST BISHOP'S GUEST
POLICE 1#:
AND THEN OUT OF CHRISTIAN GOODNESS
POLICE 2#:
WHEN HE LEARNED ABOUT YOUR PLIGHT
POLICE 1#:
YOU MAINTAIN HE MADE A PRESENT OF THIS SILVER
BISHOP:
Psyche!
POLICE 2#:
That doesn't rhyme.
BISHOP:
It's part of my new ultra-hip attitude.
POLICE 2#:
Ah...
BISHOP:
Anyhoo, I did give this to him as a gift. He just left before I could give him the rest of my life's savings!
(hands life's savings to Valjean. Hey, that's kind of funny... in giving him his life's savings, he was actually doing some "life saving!" hahahahahaha... oh never mind.)
So you all can skedaddle now.
POLICE 1#:
I got up at three in the morning for this...
(exits with other dude and villagers)
BISHOP:
(to Valjean)
Good luck in life, buddy!
(exits)
VALJEAN:
This silver has made me see the light! I will start my life anew! Let me epically rip up this parole ticket!
PAROLE TICKET:
Ahhh! Help me!
(Cries of protest are ignored. Gets ripped up.)
*The main reason Javert announces his name is because he just has a lot of fun saying it.
** These are an invasive species only known to France. Very hard to get rid of, for obvious reasons.
*** From the Phantom of the Opera.
a/n: I was informed by one of my friends that the whole "*sung very highly* "RUNNNNN!" part was also used in another parody… I was not aware of this… so then I checked out the parody and it is actually quite hilarious. So, anyway, I suppose the whole "sung very highly" is copyright to them. I can;t figure out how to put the link in here, sadly.