Disclaimer: I do not own NCIS.

Reaching the End

I have had enough. This is it, the end. I can't stay here for much longer, dealing with the same shit over and over again. Everyone pushes my buttons expects me to sulk and get over it, most of the time I'm not even granted that small courtesy. After all this time, I am experienced in letting them get their potshots at me but still every once in a while someone will manage to score a direct hit. I never cross the line, I may push prod and poke until their ready to scream, sometimes until they do scream but I do it so they can get it out.

The team has become a family. But I know, I can be replaced. I don't doubt that it would take time to get used to the new guy but people adjust. Plus, I've worn out my time line. Hell, I learned my lesson in letting people get to close.

I could yell and scream but there is no point. I would actually love to have a breakdown. That way at least when they tell me, I betrayed them, I might be able to let some of my pain leak out. At the same time, I know it won't happen. Too much, too little, too soon, and too late. I never did get a hang of timing and no matter how hard I try, once I start I can't help but put my heart and soul in to it all. Too bad, I don't get as much of it back. Now though it just feels as if everything left is just in torn up pieces. The rags barely big enough to keep me alive with no real hope of ever being sewn back together.

I was 5 the last time I cried. You know the kind of crying where you actually let go for just a moment. I mean I had tears in my eyes for Kate, Paula,Jeanne , Jenny,hell even my mother. I can tear up on command after all the practice. Just another thing that makes being undercover so much easier. My childhood was probably one of the best environments for learning to go undercover. Learning how to live a cover because that is all your life can be when your inside. My father taught me to never cry, you never show weakness to anyone; enemies,friends, family alike. Most people don't bother to look behind the mask. Why bother? It involves far more work than is needed to just see what is shown. Like Gibbs the man had his own ironclad list of rules. Only in his case, at least he told me what I was and wasn't allowed to do instead of just expecting me to pick up on it. I know I'm bitter, but at least I'm not a homicidal maniac with bodies in the backyard. God knows, I have reason to be.

I really hated Kate when she first joined up. I mean after all the hell Gibbs put me through and all the extra work he dumped on me, she comes in and handles the bare minimum of the workload with me picking up all the slack and more. Even after which, he actually tells her what he wants. He asks her what she thinks about cases, more than that he actually listens to her. Me, I'm the class clown, the one who gets laughed at and put down despite the fact that I put everything into the job.

What I find hilarious though is the fact that even after all the undercover ops I've pulled in front of their eyes, they still believe that they've managed to penetrate my defenses. Any time I even think about letting them in, I remember how they react whenever I try to be different.

Even Kate, for all her boasting about being trained as an FBI profiler never bothered to look beyond. She talked to me about growing up and yet found a great deal of satisfaction in taunting me with memories of Voss. McGee for all intents and purposes has set the standard for being the biggest proponent of double standards I have ever met in my life. He complains about little pranks I pull like putting superglue on his keyboard and then goes and writes a book based on our lives. Leaving out the fact that he talks about real cases - confidentiality issues aside- he extrapolates on the private minutia of our lives. He almost got Abby killed for GOD's sake and he still can't admit to the truth. Just who the hell does he think he's fooling- Tibbs, Tommy, and Lisa. I mean if nothing else I thought he would have enough of a sense of self-preservation to prevent him from spilling insider knowledge about his teammates, especially when they include a former Marine sniper and Mossad assassin. HE says he is being creative and I keep wondering since when has mixing gossip with confidential files been encouraged as a creative outlet for federal agents. I wonder if anyone, including Gibbs, even realizes how many strings I had to pull to stop him from being sent to jail let alone in order for him to actually keep his job. (Trust me, I still owe favors. Frankly I wish I could have just crawled and begged dear old dad for help rather than some of the political leeches. - Mind with my resources and well to be perfectly honest connections in the right circles it's going to be more of a matter of introductions between the right people at the right time. Hell, I would trust my somewhat underground contacts more than these guys.- Another mess to straighten out before I leave. Have to let them know that their window of opportunity to cash in is closing.)

Abby is a sweetheart, she is and she really and truly only sees the mask and simply believes that all that I'm hiding is some childhood secrets. She is one of the most straightforward people I have ever met in my life. Yeah she is a little condescending but it is surprisingly easy to forgive her. I mean she treats me like her older brother and I can't help but be at least partially wrapped around her finger. Huh, guess it's not so surprising. She's going to deny I'm leaving until I do and then pout until she realizes that it's real. Then I'll get bombarded with messages to come back because I don't have the right to leave them. She'll be the one to raise the topic of betrayal. She'll forget all about her and Kate and the village people digs.I worked vice in Peoria for awhile and we've certainly dealt with enough prejudice on the job. I never let on, but did they really think that something like that wouldn't get out or come back to haunt me. We work in a federal agency affiliated with US Navy. Also, Just for the record, I am a heterosexual male. All this really meant that I had to beat up several men because they thought that beating me (possibly more) would fix the problem. Than cover all of it up because while I may not care about their hides all that much after what they tried to pull, I do care about myself. I know I have issues but death wishes don't make the list.

Ziva ironically enough is the only one who has never even bothered to mislead me. She and I have always understood just where we stand with each other and the whole 'throwing a dinner party for everyone except me' situation only confirmed that fact. She knows better than to fake her way into my good graces and understands the fact that she can rely on me. That any consequence of her actions will simply be a small prank if that due to my own sense of honor and to be perfectly honest chauvinistic tendencies but I will never let my own guard down. She acknowledges the fact that even the occasional jab that she manages to poke under my skin, is only allowed there with my permission. She may get irritated with my secrets but then again I wonder exactly how much of my file she has and how much she has discovered is missing. I know she has a constantly updating dossier on Vance, Gibbs, Ducky, McGee, Abby, Palmer, me and even Fornell. I know she kept one for Jenny too.

Ducky with all his grandfatherly advice and soothing presence has always been one to be quick to spot any and all problems within the teams infrastructure. He does give good advice and I rarely bother with even pretending that what he sees isn't a mask - not that I ever actually let him see through it. His stories are always amusing and whenever I have the time and can escape Gibbs, I sit and listen to him talk about past adventures. He knows better than to push and we have a cordial if a bit distant friendship. He'll understand that this is my decision and that it is extremely unlikely that he or any of the others will be able to change my mind. Not that, that will stop him. He can be a recalcitrant bastard when he feels like it.

As for Palmer- the little autopsy gremlin is probably the only person is the whole place who actually acts like a colleague and quite simply a friendly acquaintance. We get along fine and play our roles but outside of that we rarely have any interaction. Lately we've been meeting up for drinks and a night out. He knows how to have a good time and knows better than to spread rumors and understands me enough to expect me to return the courtesy. He is probably the only one in this whole place who wouldn't drop me for something or someone better. I know my leaving will probably hit him hard, loyal as he is. I hope he doesn't spoil what he has for me. Have to make sure I keep in touch with him. Make sure he doesn't blame himself.

Then there is Gibbs. Leroy Jethro -second-B-is-for-Bastard- Gibbs is as always at the center of the whole situation. I have lived through him at his worst and know more about him than anyone including him suspects. Everyone knows about Jenny and Gibbs. The two of them flaunted that so much it makes me wonder if they really thought the other would suddenly bend because of a long ago affair. Then there is his boat, a boat like the one he was building with his daughter. Yeah, I knew about Shannon and Kelly before the coma. God it was a sucker punch to realize that he really and truly doesn't trust any of us enough to share their memories. This from a man who expects me to spill every single secret from my life and trust him even when he uses them to attack me.

Still I'm used to double standards.

It's time for me to leave. Actually, that was a long time ago but if I don't check out now I'm going to be leaving in a body bag.