Act II

Open on exterior shot of Ron's apartment building.

RON VOICEOVER: You want some breakfast, baby?

Cut to the bedroom. Ron and Hermione still in bed.

HERMIONE: You don't have to go to work?

RON: Nah, I shut the crew down for the day. My guys start dancing around me, I don't know if I can deal. It's a flab thing. So, waffles?

HERMIONE: Will you still make me waffles when we're married?

RON: No, I'll only make them for myself, but by California law, you will own half of them. (kisses her) Hey, how about omelettes? I could do an omelette. I've almost got that-

Ron continues talking unintelligibly as Hermione sits up and begins to sing to the camera.

Song: "I'll Never Tell"

HERMIONE: This is the man that I plan to entangle, Isn't he fine? My claim to fame was to maim and to mangle, Vengeance was mine! But I'm out of the biz, The name I made, I'll trade for his, The only trouble is [pauses, shakes her head] I'll never tell.

Hermione gets up and walks off. Ron sits up in bed and sings to the camera.

RON: She is the one, She's such wonderful fun, Such passion and grace.

Hermione returns, sits beside him to put on her slippers. Ron fondles her knee.

RON: Warm in the night when I'm right in her tight- [catches himself] Embrace! Tight embrace! [hugs her] I'll never let her go [Hermione putting slippers on] The love we've known can only grow, There's just one thing that - no. I'll never tell.

BOTH: 'Cause there's nothing to tell.

Cut to the two of them leaving the bedroom, emerging into the living room.

HERMIONE: He snores.

RON: She wheezes.

HERMIONE: Say 'housework' and he freezes.

RON: [opens the fridge] She eats these skeezy cheeses that I can't describe.

Ron picks up a green cheese, sniffs it and makes an "ew" face.

HERMIONE: I talk, he breezes.

RON: She doesn't know what pleases.

HERMIONE: His penis got diseases from a Chumash tribe! [Ron looks annoyed, closes fridge]

BOTH: The vibe gets kind of scary

RON: Like she thinks I'm ordinary

HERMIONE: Like it's all just temporary

RON: Like her toes are kind of hairy

BOTH: [giving each other fake smiles] But it's all very well 'Cause god knows, I'll never tell!

Ron opens the newspaper. The headline on the front page reads: MAYHEM CAUSED. MONSTERS CERTAINLY NOT INVOLVED, OFFICIALS SAY.

HERMIONE: When things get rough, he Just hides behind his Harry! [Ron gives her a look] Now look, he's getting huffy 'Cause he knows that I know.

RON She clings, She's needy, She's also really greedy, She nev-

HERMIONE: His eyes are beady!

RON: This is my verse, hello! She-

Hermione begins to dance in flapper style.

HERMIONE: (spoken) Look at me! I'm dancing crazy!

Ron joins the dance and they dance together around the apartment.

BOTH: You know...

RON: You're quite the charmer.

HERMIONE: My knight in armor.

RON: You're the cutest of the Scoobies, With your lips as red as rubies, And your firm yet supple- [catches himself] Tight embrace!

They resume dancing, then go to opposite sides of the dining room table and sit.

HERMIONE: He's swell

RON: She's sweller

HERMIONE: He'll always be my feller

RON: That's why I'll never tell her that I'm petrified.

HERMIONE: I've read this tale, There's wedding, then betrayal, I know there'll come the day I'll want to run and hide.

They get up, crawl across the table toward each other.

BOTH: I lied, I said it's easy, I've tried, But there's these fears I've can't quell

They sit with their backs pressed against each other.

RON: Is she looking for a pot of gold?

HERMIONE: Will I look good when I've gotten old? [stands up]

RON: Will our lives become too stressful if I'm never that successful?

HERMIONE: When I get so worn and wrinkly that I look like David Brinkley?

They get up, resume dancing.

RON: Am I crazy?

HERMIONE: Am I dreamin'?

RON: Am I marrying a demon?

BOTH: We could really raise the beam in making marriage a hell! So, thank god, I'll never tell! I swear that I'll never tell!

They walk around the table, toward the couches in the living-room area.

RON: My lips are sealed

HERMIONE: I take the Fifth

RON: Nothing to see, Move it along

BOTH: I'll never

Tell!

They both fall back onto the sofa, clutching each other and laughing fake Hollywood-musical laughs.

End of song "I'll Never Tell."

Cut to the street. Hermione and Ron are on either side of Dumbledore, all walking down the street. Hermione and Ron both talking at once.

RON: It's a nightmare.

HERMIONE: It has to be stopped.

RON: It's a plague. It's like a nightmare about a plague.

HERMIONE: It was like we were being watched.

RON: It's like, I didn't wanna be saying things-

HERMIONE: Like there was a wall missing-

RON: -but they just kept pouring out.

HERMIONE: -in our apartment.

RON: And they rhymed and they were mean and

HERMIONE: Like there were only three walls and not a fourth wall and

RON: My eyes are not beady!

HERMIONE: My toes are not hairy!

They stop talking over each other.

RON: Dumbledore, you've got to stop it.

DUMBLEDORE: Well, I am looking into some leads, and I-

HERMIONE: It's just, clearly our number is a retro pastiche that's never going to be a breakaway pop hit.

RON: Work with me, British man. Give me an axe and show me where to point it.

We hear a woman singing but we can't see her or make out the words yet.

DUMBLEDORE: Well now, Ron, it's not quite that simple. But I have learned about some disturbing things. Basically-

They continue talking in the background as we focus on a woman who is standing by her car singing to a policeman. The cop is writing her a parking ticket and we see that her car is parked next to a fire hydrant. As she sings we can see Dumbledore, Ron, and Hermione standing and talking in background.

BELLATRIX: I'm asking you please no, It isn't right, it isn't fair, There was no parking anywhere I think that hydrant wasn't there [cop gives her the ticket] Why can't you let it go?
I think I've paid more than my share...

She continues singing in the background as Ron, Hermione, and Dumbledore resume walking and talking.

RON: As in burnt up? Somebody set people on fire? That's nuts!

HERMIONE: I don't know. One more verse of our little ditty and I would've been looking for a gas can.

DUMBLEDORE: Well, clearly emotions are running high. (We see people in background dancing together) But as far as I can tell these people burnt up from the inside, spontaneously combusted. (Three street sweeper men in background dancing with brooms) I've only seen the one. I was able to examine the body while the police were taking witness arias.

RON: Okay, but we're sure that the things are related: the singing and dancing, and burning and dying.

They stop walking. The street sweepers continue their dance in background.

DUMBLEDORE: We're not sure of much. Harry's looking for leads at the local demon haunts, at least ... in theory he is, but ... he doesn't seem to-

RON: He's easing back into it. We pulled him out of an untold hell dimension. Ergo the weirdness. The important thing is to be there for him.

DUMBLEDORE: (shakes head) I'm helping him as much as I can, but, uh...

Hermione pats Dumbledore awkwardly on the shoulder.

Cut to Draco's crypt. Harry enters. Draco emerges from his underground lair.

DRACO: The sun sets and he appears. (climbs up the rest of the way) Come to serenade me?

HARRY: So you know what's going on.

DRACO: Well, I've seen some damn funny things in the last two days. A 600 pound Chirago demon making like Yma Sumac, that one will stay with you. I remain immune, happy to say. (holds up a bottle of whiskey) Drink?

HARRY: A world of no. (sits) So any idea what's causing this?

DRACO: (disappointed) Oh. So that's all. You've just come to pump me for information.

HARRY: What else would I wanna pump you for? (cringes) I really just said that, didn't I?

DRACO: Yeah, well ... don't wanna bore you with the small talk.

Draco walks to the door, opens it and turns toward Harry.

DRACO: Don't know a thing.

HARRY: (frowns) What's up? You're all bad 'n moody.

DRACO: Nothing. Glad you could stop by.

He makes a gesture toward the door. Harry stays seated, looks at him.

DRACO: (defensive) It's nothing.

HARRY: What?

Song: "Rest In Peace"

DRACO: (verse one) I died, So many years ago. [Draco looks surprised to hear himself singing. Harry rolls his eyes] But you can make me feel, Like it isn't so [shakes his head, closes the door]
And why you come to be with me, I think I finally know, Mmm, mmm.
(verse two)
You're scared. Ashamed of what you feel [Harry not looking at him] And you can't tell the ones you love, You know they couldn't deal [Now he looks at him, frowns] Whisper in a dead man's ear, It doesn't make it real. [points to his head]

Harry looks at him, then looks away. Draco rolls his eyes in annoyance.

DRACO: (verse three) That's great. But I don't wanna play. [walks over to a coffin] 'Cause being with you touches me, More than I can say. But since I'm only dead to you [jumps up to sit on the coffin] I'm saying stay away [lies down on the coffin, crosses arms over his chest] And let me rest in peace.

Draco jumps up and the song takes on an angry rock beat for the refrain.

DRACO: (refrain) Let me rest in peace, Let me get some sleep [grabs whiskey bottle and throws it against the wall. Harry jumps up] Let me take my love and bury it, In a hole six foot deep, I can lay my body down [advancing on Harry] But I can't find my sweet release [turns away from him with an angry gesture] So let me rest in peace!

Harry looks annoyed, turns toward the door, but Draco intercepts her.

DRACO: (verse four) You know, You've got a willing slave [goes to his knees] And you just love to play the thought, That you might misbehave. [Harry rolls her eyes] But till you do I'm telling you, [stands up] Stop visiting my grave [angrily] And let me rest in peace.

Draco yanks the door open again.

Cut to the graveyard. A group of men carry a coffin along. A few dozen yards away we see Draco and Harry walking along side-by-side.

DRACO: (bridge) I know I should go, But I follow you like a man possessed, There's a traitor here beneath my breast [exchanges a look with Harry] And it hurts me more than you've ever guessed [looking at Harry] If my heart could beat, it would break my chest [they stop walking]
But I can see you're unimpressed [angrily] So leave me be.

Draco jumps up onto the coffin being carried by the men.

DRACO: (refrain) And let me rest in peace, Let me get some sleep

The pall-bearers tip the coffin and Draco tumbles off the end of it, bounces to his feet and shifts into game face.

DRACO: Let me take my love and bury it, In a hole six foot deep

He rampages through the mourners, tossing their folding-chairs aside. The people scatter.

DRACO: I can lay my body down, But I can't find my sweet release...

He grabs the priest, stares at him. Harry comes up behind Draco, grabs him and turns him around.

Draco and Harry tumble backward into the open grave. Draco lands on his back with Harry on top of him. He's back in human face.

DRACO: Let me rest in peace. Why won't you, Let me rest in peace?

End of song "Rest In Peace."

They still lie in the grave with Harry on top. He stares at Draco for a moment, then gets off him, leaps out of the grave and runs off. Draco pokes his head up out of the grave to watch him go.

DRACO: So ... you're not staying then?

Cut to Ginny's bedroom. Ginny is dumping stuff out of her schoolbag. Luna watches from the doorway. Luna has the "forget" herb pinned to her blouse.

LUNA: Lotta homework?

GINNY: Ah, math. It seemed cool when we were singing about it.

LUNA: (smiles) Cho said they have a lead on the whole musical extravaganza evil. This demon that can be summoned, some sort of Lord of the Dance. (grins) Oh, but not the scary one. Just a demon.

GINNY: Um ... do they know who summoned it?

LUNA: They don't even know its name yet. But Cho will find out. She's the brainy type. (smiles)

GINNY: Hm. (smiles at Luna) I'm glad you guys made up.

LUNA: What?

GINNY: That fight you guys had about magic and stuff? It gives me belly rumblings when you guys fight.

LUNA: (confused) Ginny, Cho and I never fought about-

GINNY: It's okay. It's just ... you guys are so great together. I just hate it when you-

Luna puts her hand to the herb on her blouse, removes it.

Her "I'm Under Your Spell" melody plays in background.

GINNY: But that was the only fight I've seen you guys have anyway. But I'm still glad it's over.

LUNA: (staring at the herb) Ginny, I, um ... there's something I need at the shop. Will you be okay for a little while?

GINNY: Yes. The fifteen-year-old can spend a half an hour alone in her locked house.

LUNA: I-I won't be gone long.

Luna leaves.

Ginny goes over to a side table, opens a small wooden box. It's filled with stuff she has taken from the magic shop. She takes out the necklace from before and puts it on, looks at herself in the mirror.

GINNY: (sings) Does anybody even notice? Does anybody even care?

She turns around to find a demon (Death Eater's) standing behind her. Its whole head is like a big mask. We see there are actually three of the minions. They throw a bag over Ginny's head. She continues screaming, muffled.

Blackout.