Chapter Nine: Easier To Run

Disclaimer: The plot's mine, just borrowing the rest.

A/N:- I can't believe we're actually here at the final chapter. I've never completed such a long multi-chaptered fic before so thank you for sticking with me. I guess it was a bit foolish to start by tackling the Red John story since no doubt as the series progresses and the convoluted RJ story deepens on the show, my amateur take on it will seem more and more pathetic. Thank you for reading!

They say that in life everyone has one defining moment. For a long time Jane thought that his moment was when he stood over the dead bodies of his wife and child and stared at his reflection in the mirror.

It wasn't until the noise of the shot echoed round the room and Red John fell to the ground that he realised that this was it, this was his defining moment. Everything in his life from now on would be shaped by that one decision.

He staggered back and watched as the others ran forward surrounding the body on the ground.

"Get an EMT in here." Minelli shouted before turning round and looking at Jane.

Jane stared at him blankly and then his gaze dropped to Red John who was curled up, clutching his shoulder.

"You should have killed me, you coward." He seethed before exploding in a tirade of expletives.

"Death's too good for you." Rigsby said pressing a cloth against Red John's shoulder as Cho pulled him to his feet and handcuffed him before letting the paramedics take over.

Jane blinked. The pounding in his head was gradually escalating to a dull roar.

"Are you okay?" Van Pelt asked, appearing next to him, holstering her gun. "Jane, are you okay?" She repeated, touching his arm.

He jumped and felt his whole body beginning to shake. "I need some air." He told her, handing her the weapon. Then he ran out of the house, across the back yard and into the middle of the adjoining field until he was sure he was out of earshot before throwing up.

And then he began to scream.

He screamed with frustration, anger, guilt, regret, sadness and everything that was torturing him on the inside.

Now that Red John was in custody, it didn't change anything. He had still won. He had still ruined his life and destroyed the people he cared about.

He wanted to go back in and strangle him with his bare hands, he wanted to physically erase him from existence ….

And at the same time he wanted this one act to restore balance to the universe. He wanted his sacrifice to mean Lisbon would be okay. He wanted to look into her eyes and know that he had made the right choice, although it might not feel like it at the moment.

And then when his throat was hoarse and he could scream no more, he sank down onto his knees and cried.

Two hours later everyone was back at the hospital. Lisbon was still in surgery and even though none of them had slept in days, they had all dismissed Minelli's tentative suggestion that they go and get some rest. The sheer exhaustion was beginning to show now that the adrenaline had worn off. William, Sophie and Emily were huddled in a corner resting and Van Pelt was dozing on Rigsby's shoulder whilst Minelli was outside trying to hold off the hordes of journalists.

Cho, Jane and Rigsby were sitting in silent vigil. Jane had not said anything to anyone since he had handed his gun to Van Pelt but now they were in the hospital with nothing to think of except Lisbon, he could tell all the silence was just a buffer until either Cho or Rigsby found the guts to broach the question he knew was just waiting to be asked.

"Where did you learn to pull off a shot like that?" Rigsby said, at last.

"Guess it was his lucky day. I was aiming for his head." Jane lied.

His attempt at humour was badly timed and there was a heavy silence.

Cho turned to him. "Don't try saying 'killing him would have been giving him what he wanted' bullshit. All you've ever talked about is your desire for revenge and what you were going to do to him when the time came. You had the opportunity and more than that, we all saw him reaching for the knife."

"Honestly Jane, with the way he was goading you and talking about Lisbon like that, I would have emptied my clip into him." Rigsby said. "In fact, I wish I had."

It seemed like they were blaming him, like they had been counting on him to get vengeance for what their boss had been through and were disappointed he hadn't made the most of the opportunity. "You really want to know why I didn't kill him?" They nodded. He took a deep breath. "Lisbon wouldn't want me to. And after everything …" He paused and looked down at his hands. He thought back to the last thing she had said to him in the car as they drove back from San Angelo. "I owed her this."

Just then the door opened and the doctor came in. William woke up and walked up to him nervously. "How is she?"

"She's out of surgery but she's lost a lot of blood and we nearly lost her again when she was on the table. She's in pretty bad shape but we managed to repair the damage as best we can and if she regains consciousness in the next twenty-four hours and can breathe without the help of a ventilator then there's a chance she might pull though."

"Might?" Jane said, standing up.

He was tense and agitated again and the doctor looked at him almost apologetically. "We've done all we can; now all we can do is wait and let Teresa do the rest."

The ICU was strictly 'family only' but William had taken Sophie and Emily to a hotel to get some rest for a couple of hours and Jane had dug to the bottom of his soul to drag up some of his charismatic charm to get the nurses to bend the rules for him.

He sat by Lisbon's bed, his gaze drifting back and forth from the heart monitor to her pale, unresponsive face. He knew from a brief glance at her chart that it was nothing short of a miracle that she had made it this far.

He put his hand on top of hers and pulled his chair closer. There were so many things he wanted to say to her and so many things he had said in the past that he wanted to take back but he couldn't find the words. What do you say to someone whose life you had just destroyed?

"I'm sorry." His voice echoed around the room and the words sounded even weaker and more pathetic aloud than they did in his head. "I'm sorry" wouldn't erase what she had gone through or ease the pain she would be feeling every day for the foreseeable future. He had always thought that the day Red John was dealt with would be the day his nightmare would begin to come to an end and the realisation that the nightmare for her was just beginning made him sick to the stomach.

He didn't think it was possible to feel more guilt than the load he had been carrying around for the past six years and yet here he was so completely overwhelmed that it felt like the pain had been multiplied tenfold.

He wiped his eyes on his sleeve and gulped in some air. It came as a shock to him but he realised with startling clarity that if he could turn back time, he would willingly walk away and stop chasing Red John because nothing, nothing, not even the closure that could only come from hunting down his wife and daughter's murderer, was worth what Lisbon had just been through. He would rather live with the pain of unfinished business hanging over him than feel what he was feeling now.

Suddenly he felt her hand move and then Lisbon started choking on her breathing tube. Before he could call for help, the on-call nurse rushed in and pulled it out, replacing it with an oxygen mask.

Then the doctor came in and looked over her chart. "It's good to have you back with us, Agent Lisbon."

Lisbon looked confused and scared and the nurse had to gently force her to lie down again.

"Don't worry, you're going to be okay. Just rest." The doctor said, injecting something into her IV before turning to Jane. "She's still very weak so I've given her a sedative so she can sleep. You've got a couple of minutes before she's out of it."

Jane nodded and clutched Lisbon's hand. "Hey. You gave us all quite a scare." He said, sitting down on the edge of her bed. Lisbon stared at him and tried to speak but Jane stopped her. "It's okay, it's all over. We've got him. He's in the hospital ward at Folsom State Prison, hopefully in a lot of pain."

She closed her eyes for a second and swallowed. Then she reached up and moved her Oxygen mask off for a bit. "You," she started. Her voice was dry and weak. "should've killed him." She said, forcing a smile.

"Yeah, well, I didn't need another reason for you to be mad at me." He said, treating her to a grin. He reached forward and moved the hair out of her eyes. He couldn't believe she was there talking with him now when she had been so close to dying in his arms earlier. "You're going to be okay Teresa."

She smiled at him weakly and placed her hand over his. "Thank you."

After everything that had happened he couldn't believe she was lying there thanking him but before he could say anything, her eyes closed and drowsiness took over. Jane put the mask back on her and waited until she was fast asleep before leaving.

He was just coming out of the room when he saw Will rushing down the corridor.

"She woke up? The doctor said she woke up?"

"Yes she woke up and is breathing by herself. The doctor gave her something and she's asleep now."

"Thank God."

Jane smiled at the relief on his face. "You should stay with her, I'm going now."

"Yeah, you look like you need the sleep."

Jane forced a smile. He didn't think he'd be able to sleep tonight. "Give Teresa this when she wakes up." He said, pressing Lisbon's gold cross and chain into his hand. "She'll want it back."

William looked at it and nodded slightly. "Why don't you give it back to her yourself tomorrow?"

Jane didn't say anything to that. He knew what he had to do no matter how difficult it might be. "Take care of her Will." He said and then in one of the hardest moments of all, he walked away.

Fin.

A/N:- I know the show has led us to believe that when the showdown happens either Red John or Jane (or both) are going to end up dead but I knew for various plot reasons, the one thing I didn't want Jane to do was kill him so I tried to create a situation in which he made a conscious choice not to exact his revenge – it's not that he didn't want to but there were other factors in play, namely stemming from the first chapter and the gradual realisation of what Lisbon meant to him and what she would have wanted. As to the ending, I know a lot of you would have preferred something a little fluffier but I am trying to keep this vaguely in character and I honestly believe that he would have walked away (for a lot of reasons), and anything a little less bittersweet seemed forced. However, this does leave the way for a possible sequel…….

Once again thank you for all your support and feedback. :)