This story was written originally as a one-shot entry for the

The Sparkle and Snark-full Twilight Humor Contest

By Pastiche Pen

It was the THE CO-WINNER, along with Duskwatcher's Smell of the Tourists.

Disclaimer: I don't own twilight or any of its characters. If I did, I'd add a little bit of crack in it just for shits n giggles. :P

Warning: A very stupid and pointless attempt at humor. So go ahead at your own risk. Also, beware of some sexual situations, minor violence, and complete insanity.

A/N: I'm rewriting and continuing it finally. It won't be long, just a short novella of sorts. I'll update it when my head feels wonky enough to write crack. Like I said, it's a crackfic, so there'll be plenty of crazy shit happening. But there's also a lesson for Bella to learn. So let's see if she can learn it.

Also, this story happens somewhere after New Moon and before Eclipse. The characters are canon, or at least I tried to keep 'em canon enough. Of course, some OOC happenings take place, but their approaches are essentially the same as canon.

I opened my eyes slowly, rubbing the sleepiness away.

Yet another cloudy day greeted me, with the faint glow of the morning light filling the room.

Something seemed odd today.

No, nothing was different: my bed was the same, the clouds in the sky were the same, and Forks was the same. But it felt different.

Maybe it felt strange to me because Edward wasn't with me last night. Of course, I didn't sleep well, which was why I still felt drowsy.

I squinted as I looked out the window. The same old wall of green trees stood in front me.

I sighed, remembering the events of last night...

Edward sat on his knees at the edge of my bed.

"Bella, you don't understand. I have a part of me that thirsts for your blood. It's a very dangerous part," he said, running a hand through his beautiful bronze mane.

He was his usual pensive self, full of self-loathing.

"I understand and love every part of you, Edward," I replied promptly, and then bent down to kiss him.

He gave me a light peck on lips, leaving me unsatisfied again. I pouted, and that made him smile a little.

I so wished that I could make him smile forever.

"When will you be back?" I asked, already feeling sad that he was leaving for his hunting trip.

"As soon as I can, love." He gave me his typical crooked smile.

I smiled in return, but it was a forced one.

"All right, I think I'll be back by tomorrow morning," he answered finally, and gave me a much fuller kiss on the lips.

And then, like always, he jumped out of my window and disappeared in the night.

I moved away from the window, feeling content with the fact that he would be back soon.

I decided to take a long, relaxing shower in the meantime. Sundays always gave me the extra time to get ready a bit languidly.

As I picked up my bag of toiletries, a flash of movement at the window caught my eye. Before I could turn my head to see what was happening, I was jostled back on to my bed.

Shocked, I tried to scream, but a cold hand covered my mouth quickly. A cold hand… Oh!

Then the glorious scent hit me, and I relaxed.

Edward had caught me in a tight grip and was hovering over me. I would have been glad by this action, if only I hadn't seen his face.

He courted a murderous expression, and his eyes were… black.

I gulped.

"Er, didn't get any mountain lions this time?" I tried to distract him, but his eyes weren't even looking into mine. He was looking at my neck. Oh… Oh, my God!

As he dipped his head towards my jugular, I started struggling. What was wrong with him? He had been in perfect control last night!

And then suddenly, he was no longer on top of me. I breathed a sigh of relief; he had found his control just in time.

But then, a loud bang at the other end of the room alerted me.

I sat up quickly, and at first, I couldn't even understand what I was witnessing.

I contemplated insanity—my own, not Edward's—for it could only be my overactive imagination, nothing else.

They were fighting, right in front of me, and they were fighting for me.

One wanted my blood, and the other wanted to protect me, and I feared for them both. I loved them both. Both Edwards…

"Oh no! Don't clutter the room!"

My eyes bulged as I heard the familiar velvet voice from the window. I turned and gasped.

Yet another Edward. What. The. Hell?

My jaw dropped as I watched the third Edward climb into my room. He grabbed the two fighting Edwards and pushed them out of the window.

Loud thuds resounded from below and then the sounds of fighting intensified.

"As I thought," the third Edward groaned. "Look how they scattered your books on the floor! Now I'll have to catalogue them and put them on their shelf."

I stared at him, too shocked to say anything. Maybe I was hallucinating; maybe it was just a dream.

Three Edwards had visited me this morning, and all of them were very comfortable around each other. They weren't shocked to see their look-alikes.

Right, I was going crazy.

Perhaps, I needed to get myself together, to take nice long shower and then come back.

There wouldn't be three Edwards around my house then. There would only be one Edward, the Edward I loved.

I left my bed in a hurry and dashed for the bathroom, leaving the third Edward with my books.

As I pulled my tattered nightshirt off, I heard a knock on my bathroom door. I creaked it open slightly to find Edward holding my bag of bathroom essentials.

"You left it in the bedroom." He smiled softly at me, and my heart melted away immediately.

"Thank you, Edward. I thought you were too busy with my books to notice," I joked as I took the bag from him.

"Oh no, that's not me. That one is still in your room, putting your books inside the shelf, in alphabetic order," he replied.

I blinked.

He kept smiling.

I shut the door on his face.

This was getting worse. I guessed I needed to see Carlisle… soon.

So I closed my mind and tried to stop thinking about my madness. This wasn't real, this was my brain turning to Jello.

I took all my clothes off and stepped into the shower. I was banking on the shower to calm my nerves and bring back my sanity.

I soaped and shampooed slowly as my hands felt shaky.

As I rinsed off my hair beneath the warm spray, I got an odd feeling, a feeling that I was being watched.

Panicking, I rinsed quickly and opened my eyes.

A loud shriek erupted from my throat as I saw Edward standing at the edge of the shower curtains, staring shamelessly at me.

"Edward!" I squeaked, grappling for the towel.

He stood firm, his eyes raking across my body, my naked body! Oh! Oh…

I wrapped the towel around myself quickly, but I knew that he had seen too much, much sooner than I would've liked.

"What the hell, Edward? What are you doing in here?" I barked at him, my voice shaky.

"Watching you," he replied unabashedly.

"What?!"

"You're so beautiful, Bella. I could watch you for an eternity," he said, looking unfazed by my reaction.

"Edward! I was showering! What gave you the authority of ogling me in my shower?" My whole frame shook with anger.

"I like watching you." His face seemed innocent and diabolical all at the same time. "You're very fascinating… when you shower."

"I thought I could at least trust you with this. I left my door open because I never dreamt that you'd barge in on me!" I glowered at him.

"I didn't barge in, I was just looking from a vantage point."

"Right!" I muttered angrily.

I plodded past him, out of the bathroom.

"I just like watching you, Bella. It's the other one that you should be bothered about," he said, trotting behind me.

"The other one?" I whirled around to face him. "Who?"

He just smiled and leaned on the wall.

A series of bangs and thuds emanated from the hall below. I leaned over the stairs to see what the noise was all about.

To my horror, two Edwards were fighting, again, in my living room. Shit!

"Get out of here, you two!" another Edward shouted from the kitchen. "I'm making her breakfast!"

"Oh no! You'll clutter the living room as well!" The book-stacking Edward flashed past me and tried to dislodge the fighting Edwards from the living room.

I just blinked, too numb to form any coherent thought.

"I need to get dressed," I announced to myself.

I turned around and found the bathroom Edward still ogling me.

I didn't even bother to chastise him this time. I went straight to my room and locked the door, hoping that he wouldn't break in just to watch me.

Oh God, I prayed silently, closing my eyes and leaning against the door frame. Help me, for I don't know what in the holiness is happening here...