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Me: BWAHAHAHA! *thunder and lightning flashes behind me*

Matt: WTF WHERE AM I?

Me: WELCOME, CHILD. MEET YOUR DOOOOOMMMM!!!! Your doom, meet Matt...lol.... ^^

Matt: Dear god, not another story. I'm doing the disclaimers, aren't I?

Me: YES! Hello, everyone, and welcome to a little thing I like to call The Completely Serious Adventures of Super Matt, a collection of one-shots by multiple authors in which Matt is the center of it all. Matt, DO THE HONORS! ^^

Matt: *sighs* Misseh doesn't own Death Note or its characters. Any and all other one-shots NOT by her will be labeled; all credit of separate one-shots go to thier original authors.

Me: Thanks! ^^ Let's now begin the journey into crack-dom...have a cookie ready. We start with introducing this all with a one-shot I made, where Matt's mission to search for chocolate goes horribly wrong. xD

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It's Jeevas. Mail Jeevas.

Original Author: MissehKeehl (me! ^^)

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Charizard was so kicking ass right now. Venusaur didn't stand a chance; I almost felt bad for it.

"Time to put you out of your misery," I mumbled, completely in gaming mode. Yes, I talk to myself. But I'm nothing compared to Im-a-gay, and everyone knows it. You know it, your children will know it, and your children's children will know about how Light laughed like a seal for a full minute for nothing to only get totally owned by Matsuda. And don't get me started on Mika-

"OH MY GODIVA! MATT, GET YOUR ASS UP IN HERE, YO!"

Ugh…what does he want now?

I unwillingly paused my game, walking over to the said chocolate addict's room, where I found him wide eyed in the center of the floor.

"Uh…there a problem?"

"THERE AIN'T ANY CHOCOLATE, FOO!"

I sighed, rolling my eyes. "First of all, you quite the mafia weeks ago, so stop acting like you need to be 'gangsta', since it's not impressing anyone. Second, why don't you go buy more chocolate? It's not the end of the world."

"Y'ALL GOTTA BE SMOKIN' SOMMIN', HOMIE, IF YOU THINK I'M GONNA BUY MY OWN CHOCOLATE. GO GET IT. NOW."

When Mello asks you to get chocolate, one of two things are expected to happen: You get it, no questions asked, or you can refuse, in which he will proceed to tear your nads off and feed them to a pack of hungry gerbils.

I happen to like my balls, thank you very much. Oh, wait, that sounded-

"STOP DAYDREAMING!" Mello shouted, proceeding to grab anything solid or relatively pointed from his desk to throw at me. Like the great Sonic himself, I dashed for the door before he discovered the stapler conveniently placed next to the mouse pad.

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C.V.S. was just a few blocks from the crappy apartment we were living in, so I decided to walk. It's not like I've been outside or anything in the last few days…*coughWEEKScough*….for exercise, so I guess it would be good for me.

Besides, I don't want my arms to jiggle violently whenever I play the Wii. So, walking is my friend.

On the other hand….GameStop was only half a block further from C.V.S…..

I quickened my pace towards GameStop, passing C.V.S. when I heard some cries from down an alleyway I passed by. Walking in reverse, I peered into the darkness to see three guys surrounding what looked like a defenseless girl.

Oh yeah, Super-Matt to the rescue. They won't know what hit them, I thought, sneaking up slowly behind them. When I was finally got close enough, I knocked the guys' heads together hard, and they fell limp to the floor.

"Are you okay?" I asked the girl, her blonde hair coming over her eyes. She wore what looked like a pink Lolita dress, frills around all the edges.

Man, it's like Mello with boobs…

The girl bent her head forward, covering her face with more hair. She suddenly leapt forward, hugging me around the waist as a silent "thank you."

"U-Uh, hey, you're welcome. Anybody would do it, right?"

The girl pressed her face rather cutely into my shirt, and then suddenly took off running, flailing her hands in the air as she dashed.

Something small, square and checkered was in her hand, and my pocket felt suddenly lighter.

Ah, shit…

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"H-Hey! Get back here!" I shouted breathlessly. I had been chasing this damned mystery girl for ten minutes now, and I'm beginning to lose recognition of where I was. The girl turned a sharp corner into yet another alleyway, but stopped dead in her tracks when it turned out to be a dead end.

"I've….got….*wheeze*…you now!" I said, leaning against the wall for support. The girl stayed with her back to me, staring down the brick wall ahead of her as though she expected it to spontaneously combust at any moment.

"Hey! Give me back my wallet, thief!" She didn't respond and only inched closer to the wall, mumbling incoherently to herself. I walked slowly towards her, trying to see exactly what she was doing.

"HEE-HEE-HEE!" she cackled suddenly, her voice unnaturally high-pitched. She suddenly dove into the wall, taking my precious wallet with-

Wait. She dove into the wall.

I blinked twice to make sure what I had seen was real. I ran towards the wall, just inches from its surface. I tentatively moved my hand towards it…

…and it went right through.

ZOMG WTF BBQ?!

I lost my balance and fell through the strangely permeable wall, landing face-first in what seemed to be grass. I sat up slowly, rubbing my head, and looked up just in time to see a flash of pink run past me.

"Y-You! Get back here youuuu…ah whatever it's useless telling her to stop. It's not like anyone does anyway," I moped, standing up and brushing myself off.

Where the hell am I, anyway? Some other dimension?

I turned in circles to get a good look around when I spotted something in the distance. It looked like some huge, upscale building, almost like…a school.

So that's where she ran to, I thought, jogging my way towards the structure.

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Sneaking into the school was easy; after all, the security guards were all too busy having tea and using 100 dollar bills as napkins and coasters.

Damn rich people with too much time on their hands, I thought, climbing up and over the back fence. All the students wore some weird uniform, signifying that this definitely was a school. All the boys wore blue suede jackets with an emblem on them, and the girl wore long, flowing yellow dresses.

Wait a sec…who gives a shit?

I waltzed right into the front entrance of the school and sauntered down the hallways, trying to act as natural as possible while looking for anyone in a pink frilly dress. As I wandered through the school, I found the hallways to be less and less populated until I finally reached what seemed to be the end of the building, where I was completely alone. To my right, I noticed a strange double door labeled Music Room 3.

Huh…wonder if maybe anyone's in here…

I cautiously turned the handle, opening the door a crack….

To be attacked by flower petals.

"GAHH! I'M ALLERGIC! PFFFFTTTT!" I spat, swatting my hands in front of my now swelling face. I stumbled blindly into the room, falling at the feet of a group of handsome young students.

Pedophile alert.

"Hello, and welcome to the Host Club!" some blonde guy greeted me, pulling me up to my feet. "We've been expecting you, my princesssssuuhhhhh I mean prince…? I'm terribly sorry, but we don't usually get the gays too often. Still, allow us to attend to your every desire!"

"I'm not gay! Where the hell am I?!" I shouted, my eyes slowly swelling shut. A tiny blonde with a rabbit in hand ran up to me and hugged me around the waist.

"This is Ouran Academy, Tomato-chan!" he said between giggles. What's an elementary kid doing here? And wait a minute…Tomato-chan?!

"I don't want your services, I was just looking for someone!" I shouted, wiggling out of the smaller blonde's grasp.

The taller blonde guy put a hand to his chin thoughtfully. "Hmm…you don't seem like a student here, hence the lack of a uniform….GASP! BE YOU A COMMONER?!" he shouted, pointing a finger at me dramatically.

"Common-what?! Look, buddy, I just need to get out of here," I said, turning for the door when the blonde guy somehow teleported in front of me.

"Worry not, commoner! I see you need advice and help, and by the goodness of the amazing Instant Coffee, we, the Host Club, shall help you!" he said with a princely grin, sparkles coming out of his hand as he stretched it out to me.

Yeah, that isn't gay. Completely heterosexual sparkles.

Fine. Maybe I'll use these guys to get that little witch who stole my wallet. That tall, silent-looking guy has some muscle to take her down, I bet, I schemed, looking around at this "Host Club" through swollen eyelids. I finally gave a short nod, earning smiles from all the club members.

"Perfect! To communicate commoner-talk with you, I shall bring in Haruhi, who is one himself! Haruhi, come hither!"

Huh?

The said Haruhi came forward, an annoyed look on his face. Or should I say…

"That's a girl," I interrupted, pointing at Haruhi. Even with a swollen face I can tell the difference; I'm no idiot!

All the members looked at each other with wide eyes before glaring at me.

"HOST CLUB MEMBERS, UNITE!" the tall blonde shouted, and for absolutely no reason, they all began morphing into transformers.

Kill me now.

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So, here's how the whole "transforming Host Club" worked out.

I freaked out, jumped out the third story window, and fell into some bushes. I am now running for my life while they proceed to shoot at me.

Again, please, will someone, ANYONE kill me now!

I had run two laps already around the perimeter of the school when I felt something vibrate in my back pocket (and I know what you're thinking. I AM NOT NEAR, OKAY?! I don't do those things….anymore). I reached inside the pocket and pulled out my cell phone, never being happier to have it.

"YO, HOME-SKILLET."

"M-Mello! You've got to help me! There's some crazy mofos shooting at me and-"

"YOU'RE AT THE ARCADE, AREN'T YOU? THIS AIN'T NO TIME TO BE PLAYING GAMES!"

"B-But Mello…!"

"GET ME MY CHOCOLATE, BITCH."

With that, Mello hung up, leaving me stranded on the other line. I quickly turned a sharp corner when I bumped into someone familiar.

"HEHE….ow," she mumbled, still giggling uncontrollably for no reason. She shot up swiftly, taking off again, with me right behind her.

The girl ran into what looked like a maze-like garden, and I had to be careful to make each move exactly as she did. One wrong turn, and who knows how long I'd be trapped in here with the Mighty Gay Rangers.

The girl made a last right turn and dove into what looked to be a gazebo, hiding under the table with her hands on her head.

"Give me back my wallet, now. Then, tell me what the hell is going on and how the hell I got here!" I demanded, crouching down to her level under the table.

"…..HEHEHEHE!" she giggled, grabbing my wrist and pulling forward, smothering me in her chest.

"MMMPH!" I cried, flailing my arms in a panic. I don't want to die through boob-induced suffocation!

I felt a sudden shift in angle, and before I knew it, I got the sense we were falling.

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The girl released her grip, placing her palm over most of her face and waving at me before diving headfirst into the air.

Diving headfirst…huh…..

"AAABQDEFUDJGUUUU WE'RE SKYDIVING?!" I screamed, turning uncontrollably in the air. I shut my eyes, clasping my hands together in silent prayer, when I fell with a thud in something soft.

"…H-Huh?" I stuttered, entangled in some sheets. I gripped tightly to the fabric, looking around to see where she had led me this time. I followed the clothes liner I seemed to have landed on to a building it seemed to be connected to.

What a weird building, I thought, admiring the crude design. I looked all the way down to the building's base, expecting to see concrete, as any normal person would. Instead, I saw what looked to be metal feet, and the huge structure was moving.

"WHOA! Where the hell am I?!" I yelled in panic. I gripped onto the clothes line and began making my way towards the castle-like structure, yearning to feel solidity after the little "Surprise! You're flying to your doom!" incident.

After I finally touched on a solid surface, I began shuffling towards an open window; breaking and entering like it was child's play. And it was, technically; but I'm not going to dwell on my days in juvenile correction.

Moving on….

As I heaved myself through the window, I found myself to be in a poorly kept bathroom. The place reeked of dog shit and rotten eggs that were wayyyy overdue….

….or me on Bath Day….

"Ugh, does anyone ever clean the place?" I mumbled; palm over the bottom half of my face. I held my breathe as I tiptoed through the room, reaching for the rusty door handle, when someone opened it for me first.

And old woman stood in front of me, wide eyed with a mop in hand. "Who are you?"

"Uh….I'm Matt, and I was just dropping in. S-Sorry for intruding."

"….You don't happen to be a witch, do you? Or that horrible Witch of the Waste in disguise, are you?!" she demanded, pointing her broomstick at me viciously.

"…What? No, I'm not a witch, crazy hag. Do you mind letting me through?" I mumbled, pushing past her and dashing down the steps.

"HOWL!" she shouted. "THERE'S AN INTRU-"

"I already know, Sophie," said a voice, and before I knew it some blonde guy in a sissy cape stood in front of me.

"ZOMG MELLO?! I didn't know you led a double-life!" I said in shock, pointing an accusing finger at this guy named Howl. He narrowed his eyes slightly, pushing my hand away from his face.

"Tell me, are you by any chance a wi-"

"What the hell is with everyone and witches? Do I look like I fly around on a broomstick?!"

"I-I'm offended! That's such a common stereotype! I'll have you know we don't do that as much as everyone believes."

"Oh really? Then just what do you do, Wolfy?"

"I turn into a bird man!" he said proudly, swishing his cape extravagantly.

"….Right."

I stood awkwardly in silence when I heard faint giggles from outside the door.

"…hehe….heHE….HEHEHEHEHEHE!"

"Shit! That's her!" I said, turning towards Howl with a smirk. I swiftly grabbed a piece of flaming firewood from the (talking?! Really?) fire and pressed it against half his face.

"GWAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"

"COSPLAY PROPERLY! YOU DISGRACE MELLO'S NAME!" I shouted happily, running out the door. I watched as some sort of multicolored dial turned multiple times, until it finally landed on the color black. I threw the door open, finding the lady in pink I was after, but with a catch.

"HEHEHE!" she giggled, throwing her arms around me and leaning back. We fell into complete darkness, no idea where we were going or if it would be my last little adventure in weird dimensions. I lost consciousness as I passed out in the arms of my captor, fading into darkness.

They better have fucking Mario in heaven…

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"Captain…! Captain….!" I heard someone faintly shouting at me. My shoulders shook as I opened my eyes cautiously, groaning as bright light hit my corneas like An overwhelming flood.

"Ugh….Where the hell am I now?"

"There's no time, Captain! You must hurry onto deck!"

Deck…? What, I'm a pirate, now? B-But…Ninjas FTW!

"Uh, s-sorry. But I don't know where I am!" I said, rubbing my head. I could see more clearly now, and I was looking as what seemed to be three people in plain, single-colored shirts. They wore some sort of emblem pin on their shirts, but I couldn't see exactly what it was. Peering around, I noticed what seemed to be an entire room filled with futuristic technology, and it was made obvious I definitely wasn't on a dingy old pirate ship.

"Captain, are you feeling alright? We are in a dire situation!" one of the people addressed me, a look of worry on her face. "A strange woman boarded our ship in a giggling fit somehow and intruded. Before she arrived, you went missing. She carried you in her arms, however, and claimed she saved you, Captain Kirk! It seems she prevented you from dying from a strange death involving red dye, which I suppose explains your hair," she said breathlessly, pulling at my arm for me to stand up.

Oh God, don't tell me I'm on the-

"Captain Kirk, the U.S.S. Enterprise is under fire from the Romulans!"

Crap.

My "subordinates" pushed me towards the deck, leading me to see a huge holographic screen where all of space was before me.

"What are your orders, Captain?" another of the people asked as the ship trembled from another attack.

"Erm…to be honest, I don't really know….," I murmured, earning shrieks and gasps from my crew. I turned my attention to the screen, the huge Romulan ship now in view.

On the other hand, if I'm skipping from dimension to dimension, I might as well have some fun…

Smiling wildly, I pushed one of the shirted guys out of my way, taking the main controls. "C-Captain! What are you doing?"

I have always wanted to do this…

"What does it look like I'm doing?" I shot back, earning a confused look.

"I'M FIRIN' MAH LAZORSSSS!!!!!"

Fuck. Yeah, I thought, pressing all the buttons at once.

That is, that was the last thing I thought before I felt something hard hit me on the back on the head, knocking me out cold yet again.

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I groaned as I felt my cheek pressed against something cold and hard, dust invading my nostrils every time I breathed in. Coughing, I sat up, blinking twice to see what dimension I may have landed in. I felt relief and pure happiness flood over me as I actually recognized where I was.

"I…this is the same alleyway! I'M BACK, BITCHES!" I shouted joyfully, fist-pumping the air. I stopped my celebration as I saw two pink ballet flats step before me, the owner obviously being that of the little annoying thief.

"So, you plan on giving me back that wallet?" I said through gritted teeth. I still didn't make a move, though, from fear she'd start running, and I'd have to do all this crap again.

"HEHEE."

"Is that all you can say?!"

"HEHEHEHEHE!"

"I'll take that as a 'I'm retarded'."

"HEHE….HEEEEE!!!" she said in an annoyed tone, glaring down at me. She took out my wallet and tossed it from palm to palm, turning on her heels to walk away, just like that.

"W-Wait! At least tell me how you did all that crazy shit!"

"HEE."

"Why did you steal my wallet in the first place?!"

"HEE."

I balled my hands into fists. She thinks she can get away with this?! Well, a lot of crazy happenings caused the problem…so maybe a crazy solution will solve it!

"Hey, you!" I called after her, standing up with a smug smile.

"HEE?"

"Before you go, I have to say something."

"HEHE?"

"Ummm……You just lost the game!" (1)

A look of horror overcame the girl's face, or at least what I saw through those bangs. She dropped the wallet and began to tremble, clutching her own shaking shoulders.

"I'M MELTINGGGG!!!!" she screeched out, shrinking by the moment. I grimaced as her features became more and more distorted, and when she had disappeared, her remains somehow solidified into a single bar of Hershey's chocolate.

I walked over and picked it up, flipping it over a few times. How convenient…all this crazy shit and my reward happens to be just what Mello wanted. I can practically taste the irony.

I sighed deeply as I waltzed out of that alleyway, whistling to myself as though nothing had happened. Normalcy is the word, I believe.

…Or at least this is how I was until I got home.

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"MELLO!" I yelled, throwing the door open to his room and nearly yanking it off its hinges. "YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT CRAZY CRAP JUST HA-"

"DID YOU GET MY CHOCOLATE, MAN-BITCH?" he yelled back, cutting me off. I grinded my teeth together in impatience as I threw a mushy Hershey's to him.

"Yeah, here. It melted on the way home. Anyway, about what happened-"

"THIS IS MELTED CHOCOLATE, FOOL!"

"…Yeah; any more epiphanies, Captain Obvious, or can I continue what I had to say?!"

"I DON'T GIVE A DAMN 'BOUT YO THUG STORIES. YOU DIDN'T GET ME GOOD CHOCOLATE, SO GO PISS OFF, HAMBURGLER!"

I felt something inside of me literally explode. After all I did for this little piece of work, he doesn't even say thank you, much less give a damn about the torture I went through for his stupid pleasures!

"…You know what, Mello? SUCK MY 12 INCH OSCAR MAYER WEINER!" I yelled, slamming the door behind me.

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Mello leaned back in his chair with satisfaction after Matt's little rampage. "You don't need to tell me twice, Matt," he mumbled, eyeing a pink outfit tucked away neatly in a corner.

Heh…That'll teach him to try and avoid his chocolate-retrieving duties for GameStop.

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(1) AND SO HAVE ALL OF YOU! MWAHAHAHA! Lol don't hurt me, blame Matt!

Matt: WTF.