A/N: I found a wonderful article in a magazine and thought "This is so ShikaxIno!". Therefore, I should share it with you guys. It amuses me to the end! I couldn't stop smiling as I read it through, so I hope there will be a smile on your face, too (wow, it rhymes).

Disclaimer: Naruto is fully owned by Masashi Kishimoto. This article is written by Lewis Nordan. I take no credit from this story.

Things A Man Doesn't Want To Hear

(Shikamaru's POV)

Once upon a time, let's say, there was a tragic princess. She was very beautiful, of course. The tragic princess had a single flaw. It was that her tongue had been enchanted by an evil king when the princess was a child, and it was doomed forever to tell lies against her.

At night, she slipped into bed beside me, between the clean lines. I breathed in the satin of her skin, the course silk of her hair.

She said, "That candle stinks."

I said, "I'll put it out."

She said, "I'm allergic to the new bubble bath."

I said, "I'll rub you with oil."

She said, "I forgot to shave my legs."

I said, "I'll shave them for you."

She said, "I have a varicose vein. You might nick it and make it bleed."

I was beginning to understand.

She said, "I'm fat."

I said, "You're gorgeous."

She said, "I'm old."

I said, "You are the woman I love."

She said, "My breasts are sagging."

I said, "Stop. Please stop this."

She said, "My thighs!"

I said, "Cellulite?"

She said, "How could you!"

I said, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean…"

She said, "Did I take a sexy bath and come to bed to be insulted?"

I said, "It hurts me for you to talk this way."

She said, "I share my feelings with you, and you turn against me. And now you're the one who is hurt!"

Then the princess demanded an apology. Lovesick, hopeless suitor that I was, I invented one sufficient to appease her. Later she forgave me, and at her suggestion we made love.

When we were finished, she whispered, "Why do you love me?"

I said, "Because you are beautiful."

The room was dark. I could feel her warmth beside me. I could have gone to sleep on these words.

She said, "I think I have a yeast infection."

I closed my eyes tight and would not answer and would not look in her direction, for fear of the monster I might see. I lay and hated the evil king who had cursed this princess in her crib.

How troublesome.